How much help at night for full time working fathers?

[Terry100]

Just wanted to see what kind of effort the full time working fathers put in looking after their new babies especially at night?

Every one that I know (mother or father) that’s had a new baby says that if the father is working full time, then the father doesn’t really get involved with staying up and doing all the night time stuff (e.g nappy changing, feeding etc) because he has to get up early and be at work all day when the mother is not at work. The fathers do however help with night time stuff at weekends and do everything else they can to help during any other time they have at home e.g cooking, cleaning, looking after the baby. This is pretty much what I do (we have a 2 month old daughter).

My girlfriend says the opposite though and says that the fathers of all of her friends with babies do all the night time activities and get up early to go to work all day and then do everything else when they get home from work too (including cooking, housework etc as well as looking after the baby). Hence my girlfriend is complaining I’m not doing enough.

 

It would be interesting to hear from other new mothers and fathers as to exactly how much help the new full time working fathers do (esp at night) too and whether they think what they do is enough?

[DN]

I think your girlfriend is conning you. Work out a fair division of tasks, including work outside the home, and do that.

[BellaStranger]

I haven't personally been in this situation but it does seem like she is expecting a lot!! It needs to be a fair division of tasks accross the board I think, but that includes nights. She also has a full, busy day ahead of her in the morning and needs to be awake and alert to look after baby! She may also not get a chance to sleep during the day because when baby is asleep she is trying to keep the house in order and look after herself too (ie eat, shower etc). Maybe night stuff cant be divided 50:50... but I'm sure if you just did a few here and there, even when you had to get up, she wouldnt feel like all the pressure was being put on her and would let up a little on the complaining.

 

Thats just how I would feel- like I say, I cant call on actual experience!

[Terry100]

Thanks for the feedback guys. It's really tricky as she's so stubborn she'll argue the colour blue is black sometimes just not to lose the argument and have to admit she is wrong (even if she knows deep down she's wrong).

One of the things that really bothered me is some of her friends ask how I’ve been and she failed to mention EVERYTHING else that I do and just said I don’t help out at all at night and gave a bad impression of me. It really got to me as I feel it makes me sound like I’m being a rubbish father and boyfriend when I feel like I’m doing as much as I possibly can (without nightime stuff). I literally get in from work and don’t have any time to myself as I’m helping out so much and then she says things like it’s unfair all the housework she has to do in the week (although if she's so busy how does she find time to still go out and see her friends??).

I do feel like I'm being asked to do too much but whatever I say she just disagrees - it seems unless I do EVERYTHING then I'm not pulling my weight! I really don't know what else I can say to her as I'm at my wits end with it.

She thinks she has a tougher day than me looking after the baby but then like I said still gets time to go out and see friends etc...

[DN]

You need to sit down with her, list all the taks that have to be done and work out a fair division of labour.

[Catdancer]

When we had our son, I was on maternity leave. My son's father has to go back to work after only a week, so I dealt with the baby at night so that he could sleep. When he was off the next day, he would deal with the baby so that I could sleep. We worked out what was best for us. And that's what it sounds like you two need to do.

[anya1607307555]

Ask her why she's in competition with her friends. Every family is different and she's in a relationship with you not them.

[FathomFear]

I know two guys around my age who are fathers, and as far as I know (just based on stories they've told me) they get up during the night too.

[SamiJayne]

My partner does a lot. While we expressed at night (baby refused to breastfeed) I would sit and express while Steve fed Ben. We tried with me doing it all, but I was up 2 hours at a time, and Ben woke every 2.5-3 hours. I was dead on my feet. So Steve helped a lot. Then in jan we gave up expressing. Ben was 2 months old then.

Our days now are..

Steve gets up if Ben wakes at his normal time around 5am-6am Steve will sort him. Then go to work. If not, I'll get up with Ben if Steves not got time. Then Steve gets home, we have tea, I go get a bath while steve watches Ben. Then we both take care of Ben. Then I do the middle of the night feed, and steve gets up in the morning.

Steve does a lot.

I do 90% of the cooking. All the housework. Steve helps wash bottles too =)

However the next two weeks, Steves away at sea. I am doing everything.

 

Your partner is being unfair. I know how hard it is for Steve to work all day, then have to help with night feeds. We really struggled through it. Which is why we gave up expressing. So steve could sleep more.