In a great relationship but moving away

[friendly_fairy]

Hey,

 

I'm an international student from Europe who moved to the States a little over three years ago. About 2 1/2 years ago, I met a fantastic guy and firmly believing that I would be able to stay in the United States for quite a while longer, I entered into a relationship with him. We both didn't expect it to turn into a long term relationship, but it did, and we have been very happy together so far. But not being allowed any US scholarships, not being allowed to work off-campus, and having to pay out-of-state tuition for college, my parents have had to pay for everything so far and it has been hard for them. Not to mention that I can't afford a car, which is essential to get around in the area that I live in, but that's besides the point.

 

At any rate, I had originally aimed for a Bachelor's Degree, which would allow me to at least try to apply for a US working visa, but tuitions fees were hiked up recently throughout the nation, and my only option remains to go back to Europe and get that BA for cheap. I will have to move back in a year and there are no other visa's I could possibly apply for at this point, besides a marriage visa.

 

My boyfriend and I met at the college, and since we are both film students, both of us were initially interested in moving to LA. Now he will most likely move there while I'm going away to finish my studies and further my career in London. While this will hopefully bring great new career opportunities for both of us, we have been relying on each other heavily. We are still just as close as ever, but marriage is not an option for him at this point in time, since he wants to start his career first so he can have enough money to support another person (something that he hasn't been able to do since I've known him). Not to mention, we both feel that we are a little bit too young for that (I'm 25, he's 24) - and marriage has had a bad stigma to him since his parents got divorced when he was young.

 

Moving to LA has been his dream since he was a little boy, so I definitely want him to do what makes him happy. On the other hand, if I don't make a lot of money very soon, it will take much longer for me to come back than I had planned. I will be cutting living costs in London (I'll be moving in with my sister) and I will be allowed to work there, but I'm not sure if it will be enough.

 

My boyfriend has of course promised that he will help me out financially once he has reasonable income. He also doesn't seem to be worried about us moving to different corners of the globe - at least not half as much as I am. I am practically going up the wall, and we still have almost a year together.

During this whole relationship, he has shown no interest in other girls whatsoever, has wanted to talk about everything, has been very loving (with the exception of the times when I talked too much about my fear of moving away, which can really annoy him, or my fear of him getting interested in other girls, ironically), and his general statement about the moving-away situation is: 'I'm not sure what will happen. I will definitely try to stay together at first, but if we should have to break up, I want us to remain friends and in close contact because I am very open to the possibility of getting back together at a later point in time.'

 

All of this sounds very nice, and I also know that he is extremely picky and would not think about pursuing other girls for a long time, even if we did break up. He wants to focus on making the best of his career while he is in LA, which I can understand completely. But I still can't help worrying about it.

Is him getting angry at me for worrying a sign that he might be worried himself and just doesn't want to show it? And what can I do to make this last?

Any ideas?

 

Help, as always, is much appreciated!

[alli]

I can't really tell you why he is getting angry at you getting anxious & upset. I can see why you would be upset; I'd feel the same way if I had to move accross the world from him!! But you still have nearly a year together; a lot can change in that time. When you do move to London to finish your degree, how long will you have until you can move to LA with him? A year to finish your degree & however long it will take for you to get a work visa?

 

Honestly, I would ask him how he's feeling about you guys being apart for a year. Even though you still have some time until that happens, you need to talk about it because it's on your mind! Ask him why he gets angry when you get upset about knowing your time together will end soon.

 

I don't entirely see why marriage is completely out of the question. You guys aren't THAT young for marriage. My bf is 23, I'm 25 & we're getting married in a few months. You've been together 2 1/2 years? That's not a short time for deciding on marriage IMO. My bf & I have been together for 2 years. And I don't see why he needs to get an income to "support you" first. You are a partnership, not a child for him to take care of. You don't need an established career in order to know you're going to stay with one person. At least, that's how I feel about it. But, if he doesn't want to get married yet than that's his choice. I don't think his reasons he gave you are very valid, but of course if he just doesn't feel he is ready yet, that is a perfectly valid reason.

 

There are ways you can make it through a year or more apart. Daily communication, webcams, visits.. they all will help you get through it. But a permanent long-distance relationship with no foreseeable end to the "distance" part will probably not work out, so if you figure out how you will be able to be together very soon within the time you move to London, it will probably make you both feel better knowing exactly when the distance will end and when exactly you can be together again. It gives you something to look forward to.

[friendly_fairy]

He will usually tell me that he gets angry at me getting upset over it because it happens so often. And because he keeps telling me to call him whenever and talk about whatever is on my mind, we've both had a lot of sleepless nights over it. He has since not changed his opinion about it, however, and we've been talking about it for nearly a year.

 

We've also been talking about the marriage-thing in depth. The reason he would have to have a good income for that is because the marriage visa requires a form that states the petitioner's (the US citizen in a relationship - in other words my boyfriend) income, which has to be 25% above national poverty level to support the foreign national (me) so I can't go on government welfare in case I can't take care of myself. That's immigration law for ya.

 

There are, however, quite a few people who say we should go ahead with it anyway. Some of them are close friends of my boyfriend, but usually older. Two friends of friends even did just that and they say that it is much easier than immigration would have you believe.

 

I believe that my boyfriend is not entirely opposed to marriage. He's just opposed to getting married, now. He believes that there's a good chance he might completely change his opinion over the next couple of years - and that he will consider me above everyone else. But of course that can't be promised.

 

As far as London is concerned, it will take me about 2-3 years to finish my degree, depending on which University I will end up at (there's about 8 possible ones).

[friendly_fairy]

Well, at least one good thing is that I can visit the States as a tourist for up to 3 months at a time (but no more than 6 months total a year).