back and forth and now what?

[Anon333]

Me and my ex have had a very rocky relationship. Too many little details to go into of infidelities in the beginning and uncertainties. We have broken up and gotten back together a handful of times. But we both managed to pull through some hurtful situations and still want to be with each other. We had a long few months were things were going well. We both enjoy each other, get along well, have similar values, and lots of things in common. We want siilar things out of life. We really care for each other and it has been painful when we are apart.

 

The most recent breakup was on his end on New Years Eve. I admit my feelings were starting to wane, he had a problem with a guy friend of mine and didnt feel like I was reassuring him enough and he couldnt take it and broke up with me. I didnt fight it, in fact it almost felt like the breakup was mutual even though I was the one crying and I did say I didnt want to break up unless it was out last option...

 

A week went by and I missed him deeply, but I was functioning surprisingly well and doing good not contacting him and staying busy. I was beginning to realize it was all for the best, but then he contacted me saying he really wasnt thinking when he broke up with me. That he missed me and wanted to be with me. That he could see a future with me..blah blah blah...At that point it was the push pull situation. After a week of what was nice time alone I had cut myself off emotionally from him and said he was probably right in breaking up with me. That we should just move on. Then he said he was hanging out with another girl but he wanted to be with me. And I was hanging out with another guy at the time so I felt we were even in that deal.

 

Anyway, We hung out the other week and he was all nervous and wanted me and I just didnt care what I looked like and easygoing and didnt take it serious. He left after a talk we had and him saying he wanted to be with me.

 

the next day I suddenly missed him out of no where and realized I wanted to be with him. I texted him at midnight and he was hanging out with a friend. I said I missed him and wanted to see him and he texted me too. But then when I tried texting and calling him he didnt respond. The next day he just wrote a quick text that he was sorry, it was late and he was busy hanging out with his budy.

 

That threw me over the edge....thinking, how can you break up with me, say you want me sooo bad and then when I want you, you flake out. I totally freaked and sent him a million texts which made him more distant and pull away..Now we are at the point where I hadnt heard from him all week....Up till tonight.

 

I couldnt take having no explanation to his coldness after the whole situation. All he can say now is that he is sorry and that he is confused and he doesnt want to hurt me and it is too hard to be just friends because he wants to be with me? I just dont understand any of that.....I wanted him to fight for me back if he regretted breaking up with me, but now I feel like I am lowering myself by calling him and asking him why he doesnt want to be with me, even though last week I was telling him all the reasons we shouldnt be together...confusing.....

 

I know whoever reads this will tell me to just move on, but that is easier said than done...We really do care for each other. He does not know how to communicate and shuts down easilly and I freak out on him alot with so many texts...Tomorrow we are supposed to meet up and talk because I have so much anger towards him right now..I want him to be begging for me back and apologizing and instead he is just giving up and thinking its just a lost cause.....](*,) We both just cant walk away....And the thought of him with another girl makes me want to vomit..But I know it will happen if we move on....Am I lowering my standards? Or am I confusing him just as much as he is confusing me?

[JBaker]

It sounds like you two could work things out if you would just stop with the games and speak frankly with each other. Here is what you did:

 

You told him that we was right about the breakup, but what you were really thinking was that you wanted him to fight for you. Then you get upset at him for not reading your mind and fighting for you.

 

You both very quickly jumped into things with someone new - within a week... What does this say about how strongly each of you feels for each other? Stop and think about that before you go any further. Did you do it because you were lonely?

 

If you two both still want to be together, then sit down with each other and talk openly and honestly. There is no need to tell him one thing and mean the opposite. You can't expect him to read your mind.

[Anon333]

Thanks...I think we are both confused and have been so for awhile. But we dont want to let each other go, though it may be inevitable. You are correct in that I shouldnt expect him to read my mind. But I would assume that if I were to have broken up with him and then regretted it, Id have to win his trust back that my feelings were true. And he did none such things.. Seemed like all words and no action to me. Tomorrow we will talk and maybe end up at no conclusion and Ill still be angry and at a wall. But I appreciate your time reading this and your input. It can look at it more now as a matter of my expectations not being met and me being disappointed to the point where I was angry and told him to leave me alone..And when he did leave me alone I was heartbroken but now feel too prideful to be rejected all over again...He seems to be talking in circles....Saying he wants me and cant just be friends and he wants to move on but he cant stand to let me go....Guess we both feel that way..If only it was easier....Guess I need to let go of some of my pride here? Even though he essentially broke up with me and now doesnt even know what he wants anymore..I should just try to be open and not defensive or feel rejected? Cause thats how Ive been feeling.....

[Crazyaboutdogs]

The most recent breakup was on his end on New Years Eve. I admit my feelings were starting to wane, he had a problem with a guy friend of mine and didnt feel like I was reassuring him enough and he couldnt take it and broke up with me.

 

Were you flirting with this guy or in contact with him more than with your boyfriend? At the beginning who cheated or did both of you cheat. If this relationship has always been rocky the things now are no different than they always have been. Both of you don't communicate properly and resort to playing games. If your feelings for him were waning then it is possible he sensed this and that is why he flipped out over your male friend. You only seemed to want him when he didn't want you...and vice versa. It seems both of you lose interest once you see the other person wants you back. Too many games. I also agree with JBaker that both of you immediately got together with other people 5 seconds after splitting up. Do you two really care about each other or is it the drama that has you both addicted to each other.

[minou]

It sounds like you will probably get back together. After all, you have both wanted to within the last 2 weeks. The feelings are too strong here for it to be over. However, you really need to sit down and look at what causes all these break-ups. It's unclear whether he was being unreasonable and too possessive, were you provoking him with the other guy friend? Why did he need all this reassurance? Why are you not able to be secure together when you are together? What are other fights about? Is there just some growing up to do or have you had trouble getting over the cheating in the beginning of the relationship? It's not clear in your note who cheated, but whoever did does need to be reassuring with the other & understand that it takes time to get over infidelity, and the other needs to eventually let it go. The fights will continue until a choice is made the cheating is in the past and the one who was cheated on will really consider this a fresh page, as far as possible. That may take time and both need to develop patience. Either way, you both could use some patience with each other. If you get back together take a pause whenever a fight is looming. Calm down. don't let feelings that could blow over the next day influence your actions. Good luck.

[Anon333]

it seems the odds of us being back together lower each day. last night i asked him if we could meet up and talk today. i guess in my head and all day i pictured we would meet up and things would be fixed somehow. but he misunderstood me i guess and said maybe us breaking up was the rite thing and he doesnt think its good for us to see eachother. now im even more devistated. you are right, we both want eachother when we cant have eachother. its hard to move on because in my twisted head i will be hoping that makes him want me. it is so back and forth and painful i just want to get over it but we are both so wrapped up in eachother more than we realize. or maybe its just me now.