Is silence the best revenge?

[yasmina]

I just recently broke up with my bf...we were together for two years and the last 3 months he became verbally abusive..aggressive...and began cheating on me...as soon as i found out i broke up with him...he still calls me and talks to me as if we are together saying he misses me etc..but when i suggest we meet in person and sort it out instead of stupid phone calls, he becomes distant and refuses to meet up with me saying why bring it all back; yet he is the one acting as if nothing has happened. I wake up in the middle of the night crying i cant seem to get over him, my every thought is consumed by him and yet he seems to be fine. I want him to hurt as badly as ive been hurt...is no contact.. complete silence the way to do this or will he just forget about me completely...

 

completely lost..

[kungfumaster]

Hi yasmina,

 

Welcome to enotalone. You have come to the right place. Alot of people here are feeling the same way you are, and we can all try to lend you a hand.

 

From your post, I think you have done a good thing to end the relationship. Being verbally abusive and cheating on you is not acceptable, and from your post, he doesn't even sound like he has any regrets about it. He doesn't act like he really wants to put any effort into saving the relationship - so why should you try too? A relationship requires 2 people to pull the carriage, and if you're the only one pulling, then you'll have a really hard time.

 

So, sorry to say yasmina - you'll have to let go. I think in this situation, yes, silence is the best thing. This way, it will give you the space you need to start healing instead of him always upsetting you during your contacts. If you're ready, you can start now - but if you need some kind of closure, talk to him one more time and tell him what you feel, and that you do not want him to contact you for a while. Then, after you initiate no contact, rely on your friends and family for support. Trust me - they help.

Come here to this forum again if you need advise or a place to vent. We're all in the same boat.

 

Good luck and take care.

Kung fu

[mahlina]

Wow, I'm speechless. Aaw, little puppy wants to play games, huh? What I see is: #1, He's playing games! If he truly respected you enough, then:

A. He shouldn't cheat.

B. He shouldn't be verbally abusive.

C. Making these obscene, wannabe, "Hey sweetie, how are ya do'n, I miss you honey" kind of phone calls.

 

If he truly missed you, then why did he have to break your heart for? To treat you that way, play it off like it's all cool? That doesn't sound like a healthy behavior/relationship to me. I think you deserve much better. Look at how it's tearing you up, and messing you up inside. I was there once, and know how you feel. Trust me. He's nothing but a phony, two-faced, playing, heart-breaking, cold, sweet talking, selfish-LIAR! I dislike it when I hear stuff like this. We need to be wise, and clear about what's going on. Love truly is blind.

 

Just realize it. You're in a 'cloud' of emotions right now. And your perception is fogged up with your love for him.

Keep on reminding yourself of all of these things, so that you'll stop from giving into your emotions for him:

1. All of the nasty words he said to you.

2. How he neglected you, emotionally.

3. How he lied.

4. How you felt, when he cheated. (All of those burning/heart throbbing emotions that you went through, when you heard about the news.)

5. Why he acts the way he does: leave you, call you, and act like you're still his. (Cowardness/shadyness. What a poker-faced liar!)

 

Remind yourself of all of these traumatic times. Yes! It is traumatic, because he broke your heart. For goodness sakes, you're waking up in the wee hours of the morning, crying? I did that too! And what makes it tougher is to 'get out of bed' in the morning. Girl, you are better than that! Try to be rational about this relationship K? Ask yourself:

1. Is this relationship healthy?

2. Do I need this in my life?

3. Will this drama help us in progressing in life, in our maturing process?

4. Is he the type to walk out on his woman, if we were married, and had 2 (or more) kids?

 

Yes. Some people will do this! Walk out on their spouses, cheat, even when their spouse is pregnant. They'll enjoy it, and have their fun n' games! It's like some kind of 'sick' high that I don't understand. It's sad situation, but it does and can happen to you, or to anyone! So, try to wisen up from this experience, so that you'll be able to prevent situations like that from happening. After all, verbal abuse may lead to physical. So be careful k?

 

Besides, the man of your dreams, should treat you with respect, honesty, and just the opposite of how he treated you. I know that the 'Player, bad boy, living on the edge' kinda attitude is what keeps some women interested, but truly, those types of relationships are NOT what you need. In the end, guys like him, don't change. Not especially if he's calling you, sweet talking, playing games, and then throwing you away, when he feels like it. This boy sounds like a womanizer! I hope that you'll feel better. Take care. Healing takes one day at a time, not over night. What you're feeling is 'normal,' and don't deny yourself happiness ok? Be true to yourself.

 

Check out the article on the "Grieving Process" by Dr. Kubler-Ross (Under Healing From a Break-Up, on enotalone), and "Relationship Co-Dependency" (Under Abuse and Violence?). These articles will help you to clear up that 'cloud' of emotions associated with love, so that you'll benefit & understand what's really going on in your relationship. Strive to be happy, not 'settle' for some guy who's not willing to respect you.

 

Take Care,

Mahlina

[amaranth_04]

Yes, silence is the best weapon here, but don't concern yourself with using it for revenge. Use it to heal yourself. Stop contact.

 

As kungfumaster said, if you need closure, talk to him. Instead of listening to his ''i miss you'' lines, steer the conversation to what you want said, tell him to not contact you, and start the process. He does not seem remorseful over what he has done, so why would you want to entertain him?

 

It's not easy, but you deserve better than what he has given, and what he quite obviously will continue to give, easy to gather that from his lack of remorse. Granted, people do make mistakes, some mistakes bigger than others, but they express true remorse after and make real changes. Some others exploit the kindness shown and intentionally behave in a very inconsiderate manner. He seems to be the latter kind.

 

Look to people you can count on to get through this.

[yasmina]

Thank you for your replies...and what all of you said is truly what im feeling but somehow could not get out in words...its true..he isnt showing any remorse and i think that is what hurts me most of all as i had so much love for him...and leaving him was one of the hardest things ive done..when somebody beats down ur self esteem and makes you feel worthless its very hard to scrape yourself off the floor...

 

but you know what they say...its all like a mirror...what he says and does is truly what he feels and sees about himself...ive come this far...theres no turning back...and if anything he has only gotten worse..he rang up up abusing me calling me all sorts of names because he saw me talking to some guy...which happened to be a close family friend...

 

needless to say i was very embarrassed...i know in my heart what ive done is right...i am so used to holding onto any tiny crumb of affection i got that one nice word from him seems like an earthquake...

you are all right...silence is best to start my healing process...if i did stoop to revenge...i would just be as cowardly as he is...

[SilverSurfer]

i'm pretty much in the same situation as you, went through a 6 month relationship which i would call emotionally abusive. i never went through a week without feeling upset over something, and never felt as if she really loved me.

 

link removed

 

2 weeks back, I tried NC - as much complete silence as i could muster. its something i realised i needed to do, because i needed the space to jump back into a life i once led. yet because the relationship was so upsetting and abusive, i can't help but feel that ignoring her is a way of hurting her as well.

 

good luck with the healing, its not easy, especially when the relationship was abusive.

[beancounter999]

Your story is much like mine. I understand how hard it is when the person you love lied, cheated, emotionally abused and betrayed you and then shows no remorse! I'm sure you stuck right by him through all the crap and saw the good in him. We have such a hard time understanding because our minds don't work that way. We cannot understand something that isn't rational. Today is day 10 of No contact for me and sometimes it just kills me. I want to contact him soooo badly, but I just picture how badly the conversation could go. I mean, don't we really just want another "crumb"? Some reassurance that we weren't that disposable? But, what if we don't get it? We'll just feel worse! As hard as it is, you have to stay away. With no contact to confuse you, you'll learn more and more about how damaging the relationship was to you. It does get better. One long, hard day at a time. ((hugs))

[yasmina]

It just feels good to kno that im not alone and im not the only one in these sorts of situations...its so true...if i did talk to him..and did search for that 'crumb' of affection...im sure id get some sort of abuse in return..like im not good enough or will never find anybody like him...it hurts..it really does...and i know i will be counting down the minutes of no contact...but it does get easier right?...time does heal wounds right??...initially i felt upset when i thought about him with somebody else...but now i think poor girl...i hope she treats him like S@#T so he realises what sort of a creature he really is...some days are good...some days are so bad i cant sleep...but hey...im a firm believer in karma...hopefully my goodness to him will come back to me...

[beancounter999]

Yes, Yasmina it will get better. And I believe that you're right about karma - you'll get what you deserve and so will he. You're dealing with and processing your feelings - this will make you so much stronger. Although it doesn't feel like it sometimes, I know that I'm making progress. The biggest indication to me is my journal. When I go back and read what I wrote three weeks ago, it is so full of despair - like I never had any good moments. Now, not every moment is bad. I still think about him 518714342 times per day, but I am able to get up and go to work and clean my house and eat and do the things that I couldn't manage a couple of weeks ago. The changes are subtle, but they are there. I also noticed that lately I'm only writing a page or so in my journal a day instead of several pages. Hang in there. You are dealing with a lot of feelings right now. You'll get there...

[fantasia2004]

karma really works I thought that stuff happens in the movies?

[bogahome4]

Yashima, Let me sat that I am proud of you...In your last post you really made sense..i was with an emotionally abusive guy for 7 yrs..finally told him 3 weeks ago to call me when he had something nice to say...he called to say he was thru and wanted to be friends and would be over to get his stuff..I told him it would be in the porch..he agreed to pick it up that weekend 3 weeks ago, never did..so after 3 weeks of no caontact and my having time to rreflect and get angry...to stay sane...he left a message today asking me to call him so he can get his stuff..I would love to hear his voice but the abuse would be there..I believe he is shocked that I have not called and needs to hear me...LOL...once he did he would feel trapped again..so I am being strong...hurt for awile..to hear his voice..but I will not call and he knows his stuff is in the porch..just hope I am not home when he comes...hang in there.I can imagine the abuse you get is like mine and it is awful...my self esteem is below the ground....time to let go and heal

[NightLily]

mahlina, you are now a new member of my "favorite person's list." I absolutely loved you post lol. I believe that should go for everybody else on this thread as well. ^_^.

 

Yes, I too, am in this position. What kills me as well is the lack of remorse. I say us woman (and man) get together and bond over chocolate, ice cream, and horror stories over ex's.

 

Hun, all I can say is this, hang in there. Everybody on this board and every woman (or man) on this planet we call Earth, that has ever been in your position, is backing you up on this. We all support you and wish you the best of luck. You do, like many others have said, deserve so much better. I'm sure you are such a beautiful woman (or girl?) both inside and out, you deserve the best of the best. What you don't deserve is all of this pain over a guy that.. well, when all is said and done, will feel all of that pain he caused everybody else. I'm sure that somewhere down the road of his life he will suddenly be extremely lonley if he continues down this path. He will get what he deserves, you don't have to worry about giving it to him. Worry about yourself That's who everybody else on this thread is caring about while they posted you a reply. So you deserve it!

 

(wow, my mood is all over the place),

SuzyQ

[mahlina]

Hey, thanks Suzy! We all know how it feels to have our heart's broken, and now it's time that we step up, and say, "No!" No More Heartaches! Not especially to the two timers. Sooner or later, karma will make them pay. Meanwhile, we should sit here, learn, and wsien up. Be thankful that we found out sooner, rather than later, when it's too late, right? You guys ROCK! No one deserves to get stepped on, played, or broken-hearted!

[yasmina]

Every single one of you guys posts seems to make me stronger...thanku for being there...i am noticing more and more that it is the good people who always get hurt...i think its because we try and do the best for the person we love and somehow manage to forget about ourselves in the process....

 

i know im getting there...tiny tiny baby steps at a time...it is really difficult when he keeps breaking no contact...and to tell me about girls that we had problems with in the past..then goes on to say anyway i dont care your not my gf anymore...at which point i walk away...he is very physically over powering as well as emotionally...i

 

t takes alot of courage to walk away...soon enough i wont be even tlaking to him...but when he doesnt get his way...he will get nastier..how can one man be so pathetic...and so cowardly that he needs to over power a woman that would do anything for him...didnt he get it?...he had me..i would do anything for him...theres nothing left to control...but still...the no remorse really really puts a bug in my apple...

 

anyway..to show you all how much i appreciate you...i have a poem that has got me through many a hard time...and hopefully it will do the same for you guys...thanku u all

 

YOU LEARN

 

After a while you learn the subtle difference

between holding a hand ans chaining a soul

You learn

That love doesn't mean leaning

and company doesnt mean security.

And you learn that kisses arnt contracts

and presents arnt promises

and you begin to accept your defeats,

with your head up and your eyes ahead

With the grace of a woman not the grief of a child.

And you learn to build all your roads on today

because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans

and futures have a way of falling down mid-flight.

After a while you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much.

So plant your own garden and decorate your own soul

instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.

And you learn that you really can endure,

you really are strong,

you really do have worth

and you learn

with every goodbye,

You learn.

[amaranth_04]

Keep going, yasmina. It's not easy to put away the love in your heart but it's good to know that you are no longer blinded by your love for him; that you can see him and the situation for what it is. That's progress, a hard one to arrive at, and you're there.

 

There's a part of your poem -

... and you begin to accept your defeats,

with your head up and your eyes ahead

With the grace of a woman not the grief of a child ...

 

- which reminded me of a quote about the way a woman loves :

 

When you have loved as she has loved, you grow old beautifully.

~ W Somerset Maugham ~ (1874 - 1965)

 

I know we still have many years to go, and this is an experience we pick up on life's journey, but it's good to know that we actually do gain even when we suffer a loss.

 

Thank you for your poem, it was a meaningful read.

[kungfumaster]

Wow yasmina, thank you for that beautiful poem. Wow - that's all I can say. It brought a chill up my spine. Inspiring, wise, nurturing, real. I don't know how else to describe it - but I'll stop caging the meaning of this poem with my mere words. Thank you again.

 

Take care.

Kung fu

[yasmina]

..and so the story goes...just when you think it cant get anyworse...the dreaded ex not only broke no contact to be nasty...but also has been going around backstabbing me to friends...aquaintances...and god knows who else..revenge for me breaking up with me?...who cares i just dont understand why he wont leave it alone and go on with his life...and leave me the helll alone...maybe if i close my eyes and wish really hard...he will go away...or maybe that only happened to dorothy in the wizard of oz...we can all dream.

[kate111]

Dear Yasmina,

 

I went through something similar to you too. Cheating ex.

 

It hurts badly.

 

Silence is definitely the best revenge here. It is giving him nothing, letting him know nothing and cannot be misconstrued. If you talk to him he may use it against you somehow.

 

Do NOT talk to him. Do not even grace him with a response. Even though you want the immediate gratification of contacting him,DO NOT DO IT. Think of giving him up as if you were a heroin addict giving up drugs. You just need to go through the pain now and then you will be over him for good.

 

Don't worry about what he says about you to others. Any decent person doesn't believe in hearsay. They wait and judge for themselves.

 

If you just stand your ground and say "no" to the position he put you in then you will be so glad in the end.

 

The truth will come out in the end. Just do your best to look after yourself and try to be above his level.

 

My ex texts me every couple of months. I ignored him until recently when I wrote something back for closure. I immediately regret it. He hasn't learnt his lesson, he just wants to use me as back up.

 

Because that is the kind of person he is. He will never change. thereforeeee I will never respond to him again, and I am quite happy to never see or hear from him again.

 

It is 6 months later and I now have a beautiful kind and intelligent boyfriend who is so attentive and supportive of me that it just melts my heart.

 

 

Yasmina,

I am sharing this to try to help you realise that:

 

1. Silence is best. You are only fuelling the fire by reponding to him.

2. It is unlikely that he will change.

3. You will meet someone else who will appreciate you.

 

All the best.