missmars22 Posted February 3, 2010 Share Posted February 3, 2010 Long story as short as possible and as unbiased as possible. We were young when we met, moved in too fast, etc. etc. Kids are in the picture now and about two years ago we split up. We were both emotionally abusive to each other. He would push us to the point of breaking up, he would sleep with someone else, and i would take him back but couldn't trust him, watching his every move thus harassing him and making both of our lives miserable, so we broke up. He's been with a younger woman all this time who I don't approve of but it's not my call. We've finally settled everything for custody and support for the kids a few months ago. I've cried countless times over this relationship and haven't been able to move on, I've met one man who I care deeply about and would even say i love him but not as much as i love my children's father. My children's father had a lot of possesive traits and at times went way too far with threatening me etc and what eventually led to our breakup was a restraining order. Everything has been lifted, he is yet no probation but he recently mentioned if i would be willing to go to counseling with him. he said we have both changed for the better and matured and he does still love me. I'm so torn. I do still love him and because i am so lonely, i miss him alot. i haven't been intimate with anyone but the one man i previously mentioned. What does everyone think? Especially because there are 2 kids involved, i'm worried this could really hurt all of us, more so them. i also know my friends would be very angry with me for taking him back. any advice would be great, this decision has been ruling my mind for weeks. Link to comment
metrogirl Posted February 3, 2010 Share Posted February 3, 2010 Does he want you back because he doesn't want to have to pony up added support payments or is he truly remorseful about the way he treated you and wants to make it up by being a good husband and father? Link to comment
missmars22 Posted February 3, 2010 Author Share Posted February 3, 2010 That's what I'm not sure of, I KNOW the support is hurting him, he's asked me to give him some money to make ends meet so that is a very likely possiblity. He said he's done counseling on his own and wants to go together, at least starting with family counseling for the kids to handle this as best as possible but he hopes we can continue working on our marriage. Link to comment
Catdancer Posted February 3, 2010 Share Posted February 3, 2010 You can go to counseling with him and not get back together with him. Counseling will help you and he get along and get over your issues with each other so that you can co-parent your children. I highly recommend going and NOT getting back together with him. Link to comment
metrogirl Posted February 3, 2010 Share Posted February 3, 2010 That's what I'm not sure of, I KNOW the support is hurting him, he's asked me to give him some money to make ends meet so that is a very likely possiblity. He said he's done counseling on his own and wants to go together, at least starting with family counseling for the kids to handle this as best as possible but he hopes we can continue working on our marriage. See right there, the bolded part above is exactly what I am talking about. If he is asking you for money, then he's not exactly fulfilling his support obligations. That leads me to believe that he may be grasping at straws here and now suddenly wants to go to counseling to work on the relationship when in reality that is what he should have been doing when he saw the relationship go downhill. Link to comment
Catdancer Posted February 3, 2010 Share Posted February 3, 2010 I can also see alot of parallels to my own situatiuon. My son's father doesnt pay for anything. I've just paid $726.00 for daycare, $300 for my son's 1st birthday party, a $25.00 copay for a doctor's visit and about $30 in stuff that his daycare said he had to have. Do you think I've seen a dime? hell no. And now he wants to know how to get back together with me?? I just laugh. His stupidity gives me motivation to get angry. ANd that is what you need. TO get angry at his actions. be pissed off...get it out of your system and then let it go. Then armed with the knowledge that your ex is a deadbeat and only wants to get back with you so that he doesnt have to pay child support, you show up at counseling and learn how to deal with him so that you can do what's best for your kids. Link to comment
missmars22 Posted February 3, 2010 Author Share Posted February 3, 2010 Catdancer, I'm also scared that because i haven't been able to let go of this relationship that being with him on a regular basis under such emotional conditions could make me very weak and willing to let the past go and get back together. If we didn't have kids, I would because it would only be my heart to break if he hurt me again but this time, i can't pull my kids through that. Link to comment
metrogirl Posted February 3, 2010 Share Posted February 3, 2010 Catdancer, I'm also scared that because i haven't been able to let go of this relationship that being with him on a regular basis under such emotional conditions could make me very weak and willing to let the past go and get back together. If we didn't have kids, I would because it would only be my heart to break if he hurt me again but this time, i can't pull my kids through that. Ms Cat is probably the best person to talk to you about this right now....She's in your shoes.... Link to comment
missmars22 Posted February 3, 2010 Author Share Posted February 3, 2010 he pays ALOT for the kids, childcare pays for itself from his support which is a nice cushion and i'm sorry you don't have that (i hope you go for support) i can see why he would be hurting financially, if tht money was coming out of my paycheck i would be very uneasy too. You have to remember, i had him arrested as well for what he did. i dont think he's had any "straws" to grasp at until now. Link to comment
Catdancer Posted February 3, 2010 Share Posted February 3, 2010 Catdancer, I'm also scared that because i haven't been able to let go of this relationship that being with him on a regular basis under such emotional conditions could make me very weak and willing to let the past go and get back together. If we didn't have kids, I would because it would only be my heart to break if he hurt me again but this time, i can't pull my kids through that. Yep, I am in your shoes. lol And I am finding the courage, the control and the power to say NO to my ex. I've never ever been able to say no to him. And last weekend I did for the first time. He knows how to play me, he knows how to push all the right buttons and get me in bed, then all the bad stuff that he doesnt want to deal with magically goes away. See, I have an ex like yours. It has taken me a lonnnggggg time to stand up to him and stand up for myself. But I am doing it. You need to do the same. Link to comment
Catdancer Posted February 3, 2010 Share Posted February 3, 2010 If you are not strong enough to face him in counseling by yourself, then DO NOT do it. I know what that's like and I know what will happen. He will be all sweet and nice and conn you right back into the same position that you just got yourself out of. I have been attending Al-anon as my ex is a binge drinker. It helps having a support system. I would suggest you go to counseling by yourself. You need to learn the tools, like I am learning, to protect yourself from your ex, emotionally. Link to comment
missmars22 Posted February 3, 2010 Author Share Posted February 3, 2010 Yep, I am in your shoes. lol And I am finding the courage, the control and the power to say NO to my ex. I've never ever been able to say no to him. And last weekend I did for the first time. He knows how to play me, he knows how to push all the right buttons and get me in bed, then all the bad stuff that he doesnt want to deal with magically goes away. See, I have an ex like yours. It has taken me a lonnnggggg time to stand up to him and stand up for myself. But I am doing it. You need to do the same. It sounds like we do have alot in common, thing is in the last two years I have been extremely cold hearted, not bending on anything or giving into anything. I fought and spent thousands of dollars for my children, fought false accusations and lies from his friends and fmaily. I have been very strong, and suddenly i feel my armor breaking. I want to do this for me and for my kids, we all want to be a happy family and not have kids from different dads etc i just wish i could tell if he truly wa sincere. Link to comment
Catdancer Posted February 3, 2010 Share Posted February 3, 2010 It sounds like we do have alot in common, thing is in the last two years I have been extremely cold hearted, not bending on anything or giving into anything. I fought and spent thousands of dollars for my children, fought false accusations and lies from his friends and fmaily. I have been very strong, and suddenly i feel my armor breaking. I want to do this for me and for my kids, we all want to be a happy family and not have kids from different dads etc i just wish i could tell if he truly wa sincere. See, I am just starting the custody fight and fight for support. And the mud has only been slung a little. I'm still waiting for the rest. I'm not naieve. I have a feeling he and possibly his family may start saying things, I dont know. But I will face them head on just as you have done. Now is NOT the time to get mushy. I understand more than you know the feeling of wanting to be a family. I have wanted that for years and I tried to make us a family, but one person trying for everyone isnt enough. It's just now that I am seeing that we wont be a family and I need to do what is best for me and my son. That's it. I cannot control the path that my ex has in life, but I can control mine. I really suggest talking to a counselor by yourself. Link to comment
missmars22 Posted February 3, 2010 Author Share Posted February 3, 2010 I will go to a counselor, thank you for the advice. My unsolicited advice to you (hehe) is to document everything! Every visit! Every time your son is dirty or hungry, etc. My ex made claims that i didn't cook which i found hilarious because i even have a chest freezer stocked with vegetables and meats etc. Don't trust anyone, my ex mother in law was like a big sister to me and she turned on me before i caught on, lies and deciet because it is his family not yours. If you don't mind, I'd like to save your screenname if i ever feel weak or if you ever need advice on your current battle you could contact me or i could contact you? Link to comment
Catdancer Posted February 3, 2010 Share Posted February 3, 2010 I will go to a counselor, thank you for the advice. My unsolicited advice to you (hehe) is to document everything! Every visit! Every time your son is dirty or hungry, etc. My ex made claims that i didn't cook which i found hilarious because i even have a chest freezer stocked with vegetables and meats etc. Don't trust anyone, my ex mother in law was like a big sister to me and she turned on me before i caught on, lies and deciet because it is his family not yours. If you don't mind, I'd like to save your screenname if i ever feel weak or if you ever need advice on your current battle you could contact me or i could contact you? Thank you! I will PM you. Link to comment
Catdancer Posted February 3, 2010 Share Posted February 3, 2010 Ahh~!! I cant PM you. Grr... let me see what I can do. Link to comment
Catdancer Posted February 3, 2010 Share Posted February 3, 2010 OK...you need a couple of more posts, then we can talk privately by Private Message. Also, off topic posts dont count. lol Link to comment
missmars22 Posted February 3, 2010 Author Share Posted February 3, 2010 what do you mean by off topics? Link to comment
metrogirl Posted February 3, 2010 Share Posted February 3, 2010 what do you mean by off topics? There is a section in the forum called off topic..... It's a place to hang out and talk about random stuff....LOL It's good to go in there and kinda let your hair down. All the cool people hang out there......LOL Link to comment
missmars22 Posted February 3, 2010 Author Share Posted February 3, 2010 lol i guess i better work my way over to that board... Link to comment
metrogirl Posted February 3, 2010 Share Posted February 3, 2010 lol i guess i better work my way over to that board... It's good to go there from time to time just to take a break from the serious stuff going on. Everyone needs a break. Link to comment
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