do i have an inner demon?

[lovekitty]

for years now iv been sufferin from depression in some kind of way no matter what,even if family lifes going great,friends are surrounding me and i have a loving boyfriend i still feel empty inside.well at the moment in my life i feel empty despite having the boyfriend of my dreams who is in love with me and a lovin mother and father,yet i hav no mates and i find it hard balancing my social life with other activities because i dont have it..neither do i have the confidence to hold down a friend or make a new one...and i bet anyone that replies would normally say ...go out n make a friend n then ur life will b solved but what im sayin is this IS one aspect of my life but the main one is ruining my reputation.

every now and then i get this depressing wave of thoughts overpowering the good,i'll be fine one minute havin a laugh and bein all smiles and then i suddenly become depressed,feeling paranoid that evryone is better than me and worried that sum girl on tv will seem more appealin to my bf than me,sometimes when we watch tv i get in a mood because it would be a comedy show n the girls in it will seem hilarious n so perfect,or then adverts come on and i think eevryone will know that knowadays all u see on tv is sex sex sex,and its advertising for only one type of person and thats men,ther will b gorgeous women on tv and adverts that treat women as objects and they hav a laugh about it,which my bloke finds funny yet hes not like this in character may i make a point.but i feel so insecure about it,call it paranoia...thats one problem i have.but ther are moments i get up and leave the room in a storm and mope about,yet i had no intension to do so cos i know that once i do that i will have to explain myself n my bf will b wonderin wat hes done,but when i realise what iv done its like i havent even done it,like sum demon inside has pushed me to act so immaturley...call me weird but i dont even understand it myself,im tryin to explain it but all i can put it down to is attention seeking.for no aparnt reason though,i dont even want to be so obvious cos i know the end result will be my bf bein totally annoyed with me instead of bein sympathetic,sometimes i cant even explain myself and i just say im fed up with my life at the moment.i really cant understand myself never mind my bf not being able to,but its losing me self respect and mayb other ppls im acting totally out of character and i dont know wat to do,i need advice asap,its so scared of losing my bf,im not bein myself and i dont want him to end up thinkin this is really what im like.

[Silent Man]

You explained it fine. I know exactly what your saying because I'm the same way. I mean exactly the same. It can be very frustrating. I've been on some anti-depressants and been to counseling. It does get easier but I'm not sure if it will ever go away. I have trouble making friends too and thats why I came here, so if you ever wanna talk...

 

Silent Man

[Taomagicdragon]

take a moment every now and again and list the good in your life, you'll fine that you have good things and good qualities. After doing this a few times, you'll be able to rebound quicker just by thinking of that list (which i'm sure would be long). Hope i helped

[blowfish]

Yes I am going through exactly the same thing as you...

 

I have a girlfriend who loves me and I love her, but since a stupid event which occurred last year, I've lost a lot of friends... or believed I have. Now I don't have any social activities except going out to see my girlfriend. I am trying to get back into some form of education so I can socialise again, because I find that socializing makes me happy, and I am free from thoughts of any kind... good or bad.

 

I really don't know how to help you because I am dealing with my own depression, paranoia and loneliness. A change in your lifestyle would be the best idea, once you have changed... or should I say... through improvement of your lifestyle, you are also improving your mind and spirit, and you would gradually find that you are changing mentally, and with this you are able to gain self-esteem and that confidence you have searching for, making it easier for you to make friends and socialize...

 

I've come to the realisation that my girlfriend cannot be there for me all the time, and since I am alone until the time of my return to education. I also realise that there are more important things in life then just being with my girlfriend and wondering what my girlfriend is doing. For you, you are jealous of the girls on TV, for me, I would be jealous of everyone, so what should you do about it? So many things, just know that these women on TV are covered in makeup, and probably have bad attitude, so that is not perfect, you must say to yourself "who cares..." and move on... Or if that is impossible, you can work on ways to become better then them, this may seem bad and all, but hell... it gives you something to do. I'm going to improve myself, whereas other people around me are quite smart, I'm never going to sit around and say... I wish I was smarter then they are anymore, I am going to work on being smarter then they are.

 

So referring to the above post's point of putting down points, you can do the same for the things you don't like about yourself and improve upon that. Post yourself journals or write in your diary about thoughts that come to your mind... it makes you feel really better. Don't worry your boyfriend too much, because he has other matters to attend to... and so do you.

 

I hope I really helped here, but I too am dealing with the same situation you are in, anbd I just want to let you know that you are not alone. My good side occasionally returns to ensure me that everything is fine, but my demon dominates my mind... Control your demons and angels, don't let them control you... it will be hard, but if you put in the work, not only would you be occupying your time with something useful to do, but also you are going learn so much from this... you will gain self-esteem, confidence, learn to not give up on things easily, your train of thoughts would change, you will be happier and discover things that you never thought of discovering.

 

Good luck