Broke up after three years

[kholdstare]

Hey wondering if anyone could give me some advice. I will start at the beginning. My ex and I moved in together three years ago, everything was great until the past two months, she even mentioned finding engagement rings this past feburary. Anyways she went away for a weekend with friends and when she came back I noticed she had changed she seemed less affectionate and distant. I confronted her and she said she wasnt sure she still loved me in the same way. It is important to note that she just finished school and bought a car, and it seemed I wasnt part of her post University plans. To continue, I felt absolutely horrible she said she needed time to think and went to stay at her parents for the week. I decided to leave our apartment and went to my sisters, my sister told me it was probably over. I finally contacted her at the end of the week by phone and I could tell it was bad news so demanded to know, and she said it was over. It has been two weeks since then and she just came back from a trip, I called and asked when I should move my stuff out and she said later this week. I cant get my head around her indifference, or is it just a mask she is putting on. Anyways I would appreciate any advice it seems many of you have had similar experiences, and may know what this means because I dont.

[ang3l2004]

Hi there is not really much I can say because I am going through a breakup as well,I can only tell you to give her time and space as ppl are telling me,What causes the breakup?Keep your head up and try to stay strong that is the only thing I am trying to do now,I know your probably really confused and in pain right now and it hurts,But could you be a little more specific,Where there alot of problems throughout the relationship or did it just happen?Good luck with everything try to sort everything out in your head step back and look at the situation and see if you think mabe this was a good idea,If you do think there is any chance of working out mabe you should try no contact even though its hard I was told nc is the best thing to do.Sorry im not that much help only telling you what many ppl have told me on the forum

 

 

 

 

[kholdstare]

No, there werent really any warning signs, not any I could see, even all my friends and family were shocked it happened. As far as no contact thats a little hard at leasst until I get my stuff out of the apartment. Its the indifference that she seems to have that makes me really confused, after three years of incident free relationship, you would think this has to hurt her as well. However she seems set on not trying to work it out which I think is a loss. thanks for the advice, it is slowly getting better and parts of me realize that this is for the best, but I think we should of givin it a try.

[amaranth_04]

Hi kholdstare,

 

The indifference could be bcos she's had time to work through her feelings and let you know only towards the end. Did something or someone happen on that trip away.... you could find out and it may be less puzzling for you, but quite likely she's not really going to be specific on why her feelings for you disappeared. If nothing (or no-one) happened on that trip, or even b4 that, then it could be that she felt like the two of you just drifted apart and her feelings just slowly died and the trip made her realize it.

 

The engagement rings sound serious but perhaps after that, she realized just how serious things are and will get, and she re-evaluated the relationship and decided it's not really for her. So that could be another reason.

 

I think there's always reason, just that you will either not get told cos they don't want to tell you, or they don't quite realize it themselves, but it's there.

[raider5]

First of all you are dealing with this REALLY WELL!!!!!!! You must be older than most.

 

Second, you didn't give a reason. You DESERVE a reason. If nothing else, but to know how to fix your problems for your next relationship. Put it to her that way.

 

Could it be that you are unemotional?

Does she have fear of commitment? women have "passive" fear of commitment. Is she with some jerk or someone "unavailable."

Has she been talking to an ex?

Could it be that the relationship wasn't as great as you said it was?

She may just need time to understand what she wants

 

It's hard to know how to act without knowing the why.

 

It's odd to me that your not doing ANY Begging and pleading. That's usually the standard thing. How can you be so apathetic? Are you afraid of commitment? Be honest. Maybe your one of those men that "can't love".

 

Sorry I'm just grasping for straws becuase I don't know whats going on here.

 

If you do want to do NC you better make your last moment memorable because if she ever does think about you you want her to remember that moment. You should go to her, tell her you love her, tell her you're sorry and you'd like nothing better that to spend the rest of your life making her happy. Tell her you have to move on and fix the problems that you had in the relationship, and I would say that this is one of the few times that you could cry in front of her. Make the last moment like it was out of a movie, or the goodbye episode of Friends. So that this is what sticks in her mind for the rest of her life, and maybe if she does think about you she'll remember how much you loved her.

[ziggystar]

i think she's ambivalent. she's having commitment problems. basically, she's scared of the whole marriage and forever part. she feels the walls closing in and that all her dreams and fantasy are over. not that she might have any intention of doing all the things that she fantasized or dreamed of, but that their gone after she commits. forever is a long time. i'd say instate NC, because her ambivalence will not change as long as you are there for her. it's difficult but you have to let go, if there is any chance. and if she does change her mind, do not let down your boundaries. tell her if she really wants to get back together with you, she needs to seek counseling before that can happen.

[kholdstare]

Thanks for the advice all. I will keep you guys up to date how things work out.

[kholdstare]

Hopefully advice givers are still paying attention to this post. It seems that your advice is to move on. I know I am still not over her because I am willing to try a reconciliation. I was wondering if there is at all a possibilty we could get back together, or am I just grasping at straws. The past three years on my part have been great and I dont think I can really give up on that. but as she has said to me it takes two people to want to try and she doesnt. I guess my question is, will she realize that she is making a potientially bad mistake?? I was never bad to her and treated her like a princess, I still do to this day, but everyone around me seems to be extremely hostile towards her for what she has done.

[amaranth_04]

She may realize she's made a mistake, or she may not. She may realize it tomorrow, or in ten years. She may even think she made no mistake.

 

she has said to me it takes two people to want to try and she doesnt

 

If she's not willing to try, you're fighting a losing battle. I know you feel you were happy with her and will be happy again with her, it's natural for you to want to feel happy but don't let her control when/how you should receive that happiness. Achieve it on your own terms.

[kholdstare]

Thats really to bad I would of liked to further our relationship. It is going to be hard to make a whole new life without her in it, guess that's part of this ride. Thanks for the advice although I had came to the same conclusion it helps to hear it from other people.

 

I guess its weird how one person doesnt feel the love die and the other person can move on like nothing happened. Especially after all the talk about marriage and children, we were truly in love and I am having a hard time accepting that someone can end it that easily.

[amaranth_04]

I know, sudden endings are not nice. You can't really predict how another will react. Even you yourself may react differently when circumstances change for you.

It is a let-down when you still want to try, are willing to try, and the other party seems to let it all go so easily. Direct these energies onto something/someone worth the effort. Of course it will take time to get over this before you feel like starting anew with another. Many on here have said do something for yourself, esp at a time like this. And I'll say it again, spend all that attention that you've got to give on yourself. You're the one person who will never let yourself down.

 

Hope you start feeling better.