Confused over ex. Any women shed any light?

[killer_bimbo]

A little background, I was with my ex for 3 1/2 years, she split with me over commitment issues, she wanted to go out with her friends more, go travelling, etc, and wanted to be on her own. This was a year and a half ago. After 4 months of no contact, we started seeing each other again, as a "see what happens" kind of deal, then as just friends (again, her choice). She's now on a cruise ship, for at least 6 months, so we can't see or talk to each other, she's been gone for about 3 weeks.

 

In the past year or so of seeing each other, I found myself loving her in the same way again. Whether I lied to myself about it in the past or the feelings have just come back I don't know, but that's neither here nor there. Recently I tried to talk to her about maybe getting back together, there seemed to be so much chemistry between us still, what, with anyone else, I would consider to be really positive body language. She denies that there is any chemistry between us, and says she hasn't noticed me acting anything other than just a friend, which seems a little odd as I've always been worried that I'm maybe a bit more physical with her than I should. I'm confused as to whether to trust my instincts which say there is somethnig special between us, even though I know they're biased by my feelings for her, or to trust what she says, knowing she's definitely the type to hide her feelings from herself, and that she's still in her no commitment to anything or anyone phase. There's lots of things that seem to be between us that, if it was anyone else, I would see as signs of something more than friends, always standing right up close to each other, quite touchy feely, affectionate, still calling each other our old pet names, that kind of thing. Though I know that she is in a different phase of her life right now, I've always had the attitude that if the time was right for both of us, we could get back together, as the chemistry would always be there.

 

Recently I've discovered some other things that have made me question whether I really know her at all. She's always acted completely different with me than she has with her friends, her voice is different, the way she acts is different, it's like a different person. She still says I know her better than anyone else, as we spent 3 years in a very close relationship, but I'm not sure. I've since found out from other people that she's having a lot of casual sex, not really caring who it's with, which really shocked me, because it really isn't the person I thought I knew, and though it obviously hurts to know, I know I have no right to expect her not to. The thing that hurts the most is to feel like the person I knew has gone, or seems to have, except that when when we spend time together, she's still the same person as she's always been. It's like she's one person with me and another with her friends, and I don't know which person she really is. I also found out today that although she hasn't answered the one email I've sent her asking how she is, since she's been away for a month, she's answered all the mails from other people that she's received.

 

I get so many mixed signals from her, not only with her saying one thing but seeming to act another, but it's like while we're actually spending time together things are great and affectionate, we hug each other goodbye, a couple of times that we've had arguments she's been really concerned about us both making up, always asking me to text her to say I've driven home safely and just general affection and best friend type stuff, yet the times we're not together, she acts like she doesn't want to know me, will usually only phone me just before she goes to bed, and so we only talk for 5 minutes and generally pushes me out of her life. I don't really know what to think, and don't know how to approach things when she comes back. Maybe I'm a fool, but I genuinely don't think she's trying to play around with me, but other than that, I don't really know what's happening in her head. I've tried talking to her about it, but she clams up, or doesn't even seem concerned if I am in her life or not, yet other times she acts like I'm the most important special person in her life, and she wants me to always be there, she still thinks about me and still occasionaly thinks about the relationship, yet doesn't want to get back together. Any women here who have acted in similar ways in their early 20s who can help me to understand what's going through her head at the moment.

 

It's still hard for me to understand why she finished what was a very happy relationship (there was never any suggestion from her, even now, that things were anything other than perfect, and that we weren't right for each other, and though I've met other people since, nothing to compare to what I felt and still feel for her), I've always felt like when she finally does calm down and grow up (she's 21 now, and is quite immature for her age), that she's going to regret throwing things away. Anyway, I'm just venting, so I'll stop now

[ForeverMore]

Forget her, if she's having casual sex, just leave.

[killer_bimbo]

Thank you for the advice, though I was more looking for someone who might have been able to explain her actions from the perspective of someone who has done the same kinds of things, rather than just straight advice

[kleptoz28]

I can't offer it from her perspective, but I can offer some advice from someone who's been in your shoes.

 

I recently broke it off with a girl whom I broke up and got back together with 3 times. She had changed, and became a completely different person than the girl I fell in love with. I was in denial about it. She still told me she loved me, and I believed her. But she acted like a different person around her friends than with me. And she excused all her behavior with crap about "a confusing time in her life" or "I need some time to...", always promising that things between us would be okay at some later time.

 

I got tired of it. There's no special time in someone's life where it's okay for them to jerk on your emotional strings. And if she's having casual sex on top of that, forget her! Unless you're content to be her backup guy while she goes out and looks for someone else, just move on with your life.

[Michael2]

Remember actions speak louder then words.

 

Unforunately this situation is an easy, "forget about her"

 

You have to heal yourself if you expect to ever be with her again.

 

For now, move on and do what makes you happy. The more you think about her, the worse you will become.

[Ingrid]

If you cheated on her after 3 yrs and a half, you must have hurt her a lot. She is probably very attached to you, but has a lot of resentment against you. One side of her is probably in love with you, one side of her hates you.

 

It is normal that she have difficulties attaching to someone else now. You should really try to get her back if you love her and if you guys are compatible. If you do get together you should seek counselling, otherwise it won't work.

 

The fact that she act very differently with other friends sounds very suspicious though. She might be a hypocrit and may lack good character. Be careful. Follow your instinct.

[killer_bimbo]

There was no cheating involved, and it was her who had the commitment issues. So far, so typical of a girl in her early 20s, from what I've seen reading around. The sleeping around, although making me obviously feel uncomfortable thinking about it, only really bothers me because I always thought she was someone who connected sex with love, that's the way it always with when we were together, and it feels a bit weird thinking about her having drunken one night stands, but I'm open minded enough to not look down on people who do it if that's what they want, I'm just surprised that she would want it. She's always insisted that she didn't want me as a bofriend, and didn't want anybody as a boyfriend, and that's kind of backed up by the way she is right now, living an inherently temporary lifestyle on a cruise ship (before which, she was thinking of moving away to the opposite side of the country with nobody there she knows for a while, just cos she liked it there), casual sex with people from what I've heard, she has no intention to be with. I've always got the impression she's exploring who she is. Doesn't really help me, though. Yes, I've tried dating others, and it hasn't really worked out, and I'm not putting my life on hold waiting for her, but at the end of the day, I still love her, and it feels like there will always be that level of love for her, whether we're in each other's lives or not.

 

My instinct kind of tells me that she prolly does still love me, and there prolly is still the chemistry there, but she doesn't want to persue that or even think it, as she's still in this stage of her life where she's exploring who she is, and so it's more in her interest to believe there is nothing and never will be nothing to make things easier for her, as I've written, she's definitely the type that puts any difficult feelings in a box and pushes them away as far from her life as possible. But then, I don't know if that's just what I want to believe. She's always refused to talk about us breaking up further than "I just didn't want to be committed anymore", and wouldn't mention to her parents that we see each other quite often, saying that she didn't want them asking questions. Again, instincts telling me she decided what she feels when we broke up, and is a bit scared to look deeper and question things just in case what she finds out upsets what she actually wants right now, but again, I don't know whether that's the way things seem or the way things I'd like them to be. I know that at least right now she doesn't want me, but I've always felt that I truly love her, and I'd really love to find out if things would work out now that we've both grown a bit more. There will always be something inside me that would want to see how we work out now as a couple, as the relationship was amazing, and seemed to only end because we met too early, and we're at different stages in our lives