Diagonal Posted January 29, 2010 Share Posted January 29, 2010 There are a lot of articles online giving hope and information to those trying to figure out whether their ex is interested in getting back with them. So what do people think of such articles? Are there reliable signs we can actually rely on or are we just grasping at straws? A lot of people say the only real way you'll know is when they say "I made a mistake and want you back", but then actions do speak louder than words. On top of that surely there must be things between "It's over" and "I want you back", which have cropped up time and time again for those reading these boards, who have gone on to get back with their ex. Complicated isn't it? Any thoughts? Link to comment
BriarRose Posted January 29, 2010 Share Posted January 29, 2010 If they are contacting you, they are still interested. Would you contact an ex you had no interest in? I wouldn't. Link to comment
Diagonal Posted January 29, 2010 Author Share Posted January 29, 2010 I think contact is a big one imo, like you said they left you and if they wanted to they could quite easily shut you out of their life forever. Link to comment
vertigoxo Posted January 29, 2010 Share Posted January 29, 2010 Misskitty is def right. Contact is very important, though it depends how much they initiate contact ON THEIR OWN. (Like you not starting it first...) I don't know how much contact is too little or too much, so you guys can help me out here. Um. Physical contact, attraction, flirting can also be signs. Looking at you in the eyes like they did in the past is a big sign... Link to comment
lana111 Posted January 29, 2010 Share Posted January 29, 2010 well i agree with what everyone said, but sometimes all those things can confuse interest with loneliness. my ex and i still have intimate relations, and a lot of the time he comes over he puts his arm around me and does all the sweet silly stiff we used to do, and nearly purrs when i touch him. for the record, sometime sits not like that, but it is a lot of the time. at times i am guilty of the same... but its just that its easy and familiar, not bc we want each other back. Link to comment
Tetsuo_Shima Posted January 29, 2010 Share Posted January 29, 2010 Admittedly I contact my first real ex from 5 or 6 years ago once in a very rare blue moon, but it's only when something needs to be discussed. I've no intention of trying to get back together. Let the past stay where it is. Other than that I try to avoid contact. Link to comment
Tired Tiger Posted January 29, 2010 Share Posted January 29, 2010 The problem with most articles is that they're simply too short to convey anything but generalizations. There's just too many variables in personalities, demographics, and circumstances to surmise anything specific to any given reader. Sure, technically you could say that your ex showing up at your door crying with expensive gifts begging for another chance might be a 'sign', but that's sort of stating the obvious anyway. A lot of people say the only real way you'll know is when they say "I made a mistake and want you back" People who say this are usually those who are projecting how they think it should happen for them, not those who have actually reconciled. And why should the ex profess to 'making a mistake'? What if the ex (as is so often the case) ended things because they felt neglected and taken for granted? What if (gasp!) they were cheated on? I've read stories right here on ENA that are like this. Why should an ex admit to any 'mistake'? The idea that this is how it works is an ego-driven false sense of justice. If there's been an established, mature, and relaxed contact - that's a good start. Let things progress at their own pace, and the sum total of things over time will tell the tale better than looking for potential blurbs from any article. Link to comment
Brownstone322 Posted January 29, 2010 Share Posted January 29, 2010 Misskitty is def right. She's half right. Some people like to stay chummy with their exes, but nothing more. I can see that years later, but some people are just that way right away. A lot of people say the only real way you'll know is when they say "I made a mistake and want you back" People who say this are usually those who are projecting how they think it should happen for them, not those who have actually reconciled. A'int that the truth. They may eventually say that, I suppose, but probably after it's already obvious that you're getting back together. And I've never understood the "he/she made a mistake" theory. Maybe he/she had a good reason. Link to comment
Diagonal Posted January 29, 2010 Author Share Posted January 29, 2010 If there's been an established, mature, and relaxed contact - that's a good start. Let things progress at their own pace, and the sum total of things over time will tell the tale better than looking for potential blurbs from any article. Good point. I don't expect my ex to say she "made a mistake" as it was me who made the mistake, but was para-phrazing and generalizing. Link to comment
rapunzel Posted January 29, 2010 Share Posted January 29, 2010 If they are contacting you, they are still interested. Would you contact an ex you had no interest in? I wouldn't. Not necessarily true. I contact my ex-ex, I broke up with him after 4.5 years. I contact him from time to time and we even hang out every now and then - in fact, we are having dinner with some mutual friends tomorrow night. I have never indicated that I want more than "friends" from him. In a perfect world, we could get back together but the (quite valid) reasons I left the relationship are still there, having to do with his personality, anger/control issues, and I doubt at the age of 47 that he is going to change all that much. Link to comment
Diagonal Posted January 29, 2010 Author Share Posted January 29, 2010 Not necessarily true. I contact my ex-ex, I broke up with him after 4.5 years. I contact him from time to time and we even hang out every now and then - in fact, we are having dinner with some mutual friends tomorrow night. I have never indicated that I want more than "friends" from him. In a perfect world, we could get back together but the (quite valid) reasons I left the relationship are still there, having to do with his personality, anger/control issues, and I doubt at the age of 47 that he is going to change all that much. Fair comment, but I think a lot of people after splitting with an ex, don't keep contact with them - particularly if they know the other wants to reconcile. Ok maybe after enough time has passed and both can look move on, but not before. My ex knows I want her back and she's a kind person and I don't think she'd keep in contact me if she thought it was 100% over. It's just too cruel and she's not like that. Link to comment
vertigoxo Posted January 29, 2010 Share Posted January 29, 2010 I'm a strong believer that when an ex is pretty much done with you, they won't contact you. They won't even want to be friends. What for? They have other friends, families, and a new lover to boot. Link to comment
Diagonal Posted January 30, 2010 Author Share Posted January 30, 2010 I agree with you Vertigoxo. That's why I think contact is a good sign. Link to comment
headwreck Posted January 30, 2010 Share Posted January 30, 2010 The problem with signs the ex is still interested is that the ex can be giving the signs but not realise it themselves........longer gazes, unnecessary contact etc... But are they really signs if the ex isn't deliberately giving them....those signs are the worst because they completley mess with your head! Link to comment
Diagonal Posted January 30, 2010 Author Share Posted January 30, 2010 I see where you're coming from Headwreck. I'm no expert, but I'm sure someone could enlighten us all on the link between the conscience and unconscience. I'm sure the link is pretty strong, in the fact that 'tells' or signs give away what the conscience is hiding. I sound like I know what I'm on about, but not 100% sure..... Link to comment
newinvention Posted January 30, 2010 Share Posted January 30, 2010 I don't agree with the common sentiment here... I dated a girl for 4 years we broke up in college. We were total NC for 13 months until she called out of the blue one night telling me how much she missed me and that she made a mistake. I took her back. We were married.... And divorced 10 years later Some things are better left in the past. Link to comment
bish0p2004 Posted January 30, 2010 Share Posted January 30, 2010 The one good thing about contact from an ex is that you know for sure they don't see you as some psycho stalker. They may also still respect you to some degree (that is, if using you as a possible back up is respectful). At least you know for sure that on some level they still find you sexually attractive, however low that level is. As for caring, it's very subjective. I mean, they can care in a guilty way, or it could be truly genuine. While it's caring regardless, I'd rather the latter type of caring as I don't want any one feeling pity for me. I do believe that a person can win an ex back if they (the ex/dumper) are contacting the dumpee. It's just that the dumpee is usually such an emotional wreck that they communicate unattractiveness through their behavior which makes reconciliation very difficult. Link to comment
vertigoxo Posted January 30, 2010 Share Posted January 30, 2010 I don't agree with the common sentiment here... I dated a girl for 4 years we broke up in college. We were total NC for 13 months until she called out of the blue one night telling me how much she missed me and that she made a mistake. I took her back. We were married.... And divorced 10 years later Some things are better left in the past. Why did you guys divorced? Link to comment
Speranza Posted February 5, 2010 Share Posted February 5, 2010 10 years is a good length of relationship - it can't ALL have been bad, surely? Link to comment
EQIQ Posted February 5, 2010 Share Posted February 5, 2010 I'm a strong believer that when an ex is pretty much done with you, they won't contact you. They won't even want to be friends. What for? They have other friends, families, and a new lover to boot. Well what about this. What if the dumpee contacts them, and they respond in a positive manner, and are happy to maintain contact? However they themselves do not initiate any? What if even during the relationship, the ex was the kinda shy type who did not initiate contact much? I dunno... I kinda get the feeling that while in a perfect world the dumper should initiate contact, it is the dumpee that really has a choice to make. If you want back, then it is your job to work for it. If you don't care about it anymore, then just go about your life, and if the dumper gets in contact with you, then yeah whatever. These situations I am mentioning though.. are like.. after quite a few months, when emotions are not so high any more. Link to comment
Speranza Posted February 5, 2010 Share Posted February 5, 2010 It's a really tough one. I'm sort of in this situation (except neither of us was exactly the dumpee, we just kind of finished, and I don't think we would have done if we'd been able to talk - the fact that we didn't/couldn't said to me that we didn't have the necessary communication for it to work - but I think he has realised this and he has started flirting again). I used to initiate most of the contact - he said he was happy for this. Since we split, it's been fifty-fifty I would say, of course much less frequent but we are still friends and he still calls me to ask for my advice on stuff - both still single. All 'classic signs' - but when you're IN the situation it doesn't seem that obvious! And of course because we still care, there is more potential for hurt if it all goes wrong... tough one! How to find out what he's thinking? Ah - you tell me! I'm aware he probably can't read me either. BUt does that mean I should make the first move? Hmmm... (And he's probably thinking the same! lol) Link to comment
Diagonal Posted February 5, 2010 Author Share Posted February 5, 2010 Tough one. I'd say all the 'signs' are positve for you guys. It seems a little 'textbook' saying it - but I guess you'll know when the time is right. It's easy to over evaluate signs of interest, but I do think you need to be aware of them as they will dicate the pace, flow and direction of the reunion. It's easy to say "they're unreliable etc", but deep down I think you know when your ex is making it aware they still want you or want you to make a move. Do people agree? Link to comment
kvb10 Posted February 5, 2010 Share Posted February 5, 2010 Does telling me she is happier now that she is not in a relationship, saying she hopes we can be friends one day and then going NC mean that she might want to get back together with me?? Sorry I just needed to crack a joke on myself. Link to comment
headwreck Posted February 5, 2010 Share Posted February 5, 2010 It's easy to over evaluate signs of interest, but I do think you need to be aware of them as they will dicate the pace, flow and direction of the reunion. It's easy to say "they're unreliable etc", but deep down I think you know when your ex is making it aware they still want you or want you to make a move. Do people agree? It depends, my ex and I can chat all day, he shows concern for me, asking if I'm ok when I appeared p*ssed off, does unnecssary things like "Likes" my fb status, looks into my eyes too long....all subtle... they are subtle because he doesn't realise he's doing them. I know if I made a move he'd run for the hills because he doesn't want a relationship. Link to comment
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