Looking back, I think NC does work.

[VeraLynn]

This may be kinda long, but I'm comparing to my getting dumped to the time I dumped someone I loved and they didn't go NC..

 

I've been struggling to get back with my ex for around five months now. It's been up and down and a roller coaster that I'm sure everyone here is well acquainted with. The only time he would pursue was when I became pre-occupied with my own life, but after a few good weeks I'd fall back in to chasing him. I hate chasing, it's exhausting and brutal on the emotions!

 

We had a vicious falling out on Sunday as I finally became frustrated with being on the back burner yet still hearing the words "love" right next to "don't want to be in a relationship with you." He said "I'm just leading you on, I dont care, stand up for yourself." He was right, I was tired of fighting for our love, so I hung up the phone, sent over a final message: "You're right about everything. In the end, I guess I rather find happiness than spend my time chasing someone who hurts the people he loves the most." Yes, it was bold, but I know the man loves me, I have no doubts about that. I've been no contact since then. There are days where I regret that text, but what can you do? I sent it, whats done is done.

 

Everytime i've walked away, I would message him a few days later, but I haven't yet.. and interestingly enough, I see his name log in and log out of my messenger (I'm at work, he's at home and was off today and yesterday), so a part of me thinks he's sitting there waiting for me to break.. I only think this because it's google messenger, we use that at work (he has about four people on it) to talk off the record, so there is no reason for him to be on it at home. Either way, when I saw his name, I didn't flinch, it seems I've lost all energy and will to want to fight for him.. burn out.. empty and just exhausted. On top of that, I'm speechless, I couldn't even come up with anything to say if he contacted because I am so emotionally drained and need space.. But, even with that, I do hope to rekindle with him eventually, just obviously not when emotions are so high and its so difficult to get through his walls.

 

I sat down and thought about my relationship before this (my first love), I was with him for four years and I left him. I still have a piece of my heart dedicated to him and when I left, I wanted space and time and always thought we would rekindle once the storm calmed down, I knew it was a gamble, but the risk out-weight the stress of trying to work out the swelling problems. But, instead of giving me time and space as requested.. he texted, called, emailed, myspaced, and even signed my phone number up for one of those websites that sends you love quotes once a day. This went on for months, I was afraid to move on because I felt guilty (I loved that man with my full heart at the time), but the more he pushed me to come back, the farther away I fled.. and then I met a new guy. At first I wasn't interested, but the more that ex persisted, the more I wanted something new, so I took a chance with the new guy and went for it. My ex flipped as I knew he would when he found out, but I didn't want to hide or lie, I was seeking happiness and the new guy was great, we worked great together.. In fact, we worked great together for 2.5 years up until a few months ago..

 

Now here is the kicker that I realized and I'm probably going to get a lot of flack for this, but i'm trying to be brutally honest.. I think the only reason I was finally okay with stepping into the new relationship was because I knew if it failed, I had my prior love (as stalkerish as he had become) to fly back to at any moment. If he would have walked away and not sent me the meanest messages you could ever concoct for the next two years, I think I actually would have reconciled with him and wouldn't have put in so much effort to make the new relationship work.. I probably would have freaked out that he was gone and improving himself and no longer chasing me. If that man could have shown me that he was confident, secure, and can survive on his own two-feet, it would have made me smile and he would have been just as attractive as he was when I first fell in love, but it didn't happen that way. In fact, to this day he has found new ways to contact me and he even wants to be the shoulder for me to cry on about my current break up. I won't do it because that's cruel and unusual; I wouldn't want to be the shoulder my new ex cries on and I'm certainly not going to allow someone else to be in that position either, it would just suck. It may sound heartless to compare the NC to all the things my prior ex did wrong, but I'm trying to take it as a learning experience and maybe tell the story to help another benefit..

 

Granted, after it's all said and done, I'm thankful the cards fell where they did as I am thankful to have fallen hopelessly in love with my new now-ex, but it still makes me wonder what would have played out differently had he instilled no-contact and worked on himself. I can promise it would have been different, so I'm trying to instill that and go NC with my recent love and find myself and my own happiness.. and hopefully him along the way. My experience has taught me, the more you push, the more they run, and the easier it is for them to move on when you're around. I guess it's human nature.

 

Even if it NC doesn't bring my ex back, at least I walk with dignity, self-respect, and move on to a new type of happiness.. but as always.. I still want the current ex, that takes time though.

[TimeToGrowUp]

Vera,

 

I actually applaud you for your honesty. I'm sure I'm not the only one who thinks this - but your comments gave tremendous insight on situations like these.

[VeraLynn]

Vera,

 

I actually applaud you for your honesty. I'm sure I'm not the only one who thinks this - but your comments gave tremendous insight on situations like these.

 

Thank you. I was expecting to get some angry comments. Also, I read through some of your posts and some of the stuff you ex is sending you brings up old memories of how I acted back in the day.

[vertigoxo]

NC is one hell of a gift, I'll say.

[TimeToGrowUp]

Thank you. I was expecting to get some angry comments. Also, I read through some of your posts and some of the stuff you ex is sending you brings up old memories of how I acted back in the day.

 

You spoke "out loud" some things many of us are convinced are going on in their heads - specifically the heads of women. And it's not like you presented them in a distasteful manner. I mean I once saw a girl post a thread like "I broke it off on Xmas LOLOLOL" .....now that's the kind of thing that will get flamed.

 

My ex- though ..... she's a very stubborn creature. She's capable of the sweetest, most loving persona .....but in a duplicitous kind of way she's capable of such impulsive, unapologetic, and selfish behavior - especially when the going gets tough .....where it's at her job, her friendships, or her relationships. I originally felt like she'd never contact me again...... but literally after 4 weeks of NC it started up because I had left her alone. Luckily I never allowed myself to go overboard with the initial apologies and saying things to try and get her back. I had sent maybe 3-4 text messages over the first 3 weeks of the break up and then said screw it. I knew with her personality it was gonna make it worse and make her feel more righteous.

[vertigoxo]

I have to wonder, though... If an ex did all the classic mistakes (begging, contacting them, generally trying to hold on, etc), and then they decide to just give up and walk away from the dumper... will NC somewhat "erase" their past mistakes and such? Or will it be too late?

[Cnstnt Evolutn]

Not heartless at all... I respect you for not putting your ex through that - I mean allowing him to be your shoulder to cry on. I would not do that to anyone either, nor would I want them to do that to me.

 

I applaud you and hope you do find yourself and happiness again. I am going through the same thing as a dumpee and only respond if and when she contacts me, and that's If and When I feel comfortable doing so. Part of me thinks that life is too short to worry about NC and wishes that actually telling your ex this will mean anything, but it may only prove to do exactly what you said - run!

[TimeToGrowUp]

I have to wonder, though... If an ex did all the classic mistakes (begging, contacting them, generally trying to hold on, etc), and then they decide to just give up and walk away from the dumper... will NC somewhat "erase" their past mistakes and such? Or will it be too late?

 

I think part of it depends on the duration.

 

I just edited the post I made right before yours and I described this scenario somewhat.

[pumpkinmoon]

Hi Vera, thanks for that.

 

So you have decided the relationship is not enough for you and by ending it and going NC you hope that he will come to his senses?

[vertigoxo]

I think part of it depends on the duration.

 

Explain?

[VeraLynn]

I have to wonder, though... If an ex did all the classic mistakes (begging, contacting them, generally trying to hold on, etc), and then they decide to just give up and walk away from the dumper... will NC somewhat "erase" their past mistakes and such? Or will it be too late?

 

I'm not sure.. I can only speak from my view though (and I'm strange): If my ex from over three years ago who is still around suddenly went no contact.. at this point I'd honestly be happy and under the mindset that he found someone to fulfill him and make him happy. There would be times that I would wonder how he's doing and would like to wish him well, but I don't think I'd ever reach out to reconcile. But, who knows.

[VeraLynn]

Hi Vera, thanks for that.

 

So you have decided the relationship is not enough for you and by ending it and going NC you hope that he will come to his senses?

 

The only thing I've decided is that I want to be happy. Do I hope NC brings him to his senses and he decides to start treating me how he once did? Heck yes! But, I only want him back if it that happens.. I don't want him back to be miserable or to fill loneliness.

[TimeToGrowUp]

Explain?

 

Well here's how my situation went down ........

 

When she broke up with me I begged her to take some time to think. I actually cried a little. The whole conversation was like talking to a brick wall - she just wasn't having any part of it. Within the next three weeks I had a sent a couple of "I'm proud of you" texts to her during the days of her fitness competitions. There were a few nights out at the bars that I would send the drunken "You were my dream girl. I hate being back in the dating scene. I wish I could have that first night I had you on my couch watching movies...." kind of stuff. NONE of it was working. I never outright asked her back though. I didn't get a response from any of it.

 

She would end up breaking her own NC to chew me out for some unfounded rumors she heard about me saying things about her and her trainer. She tried texting me about them, but I wasn't going to do the text thing anymore. I called her, we had this huge argument and I stood up for myself and defiantly called her out for the stupidity of the rumors. I then went into NC for 4 weeks. I removed her from my Myspace and Facebook. I changed my gym time to 8pm at night so I didn't have to run into her. I disappeared.

 

Then the text messages from her started up....... texts I never thought I'd get. I mean she made the relationship sound so God awful when she broke it off. She even went so far as to telling me it was never right. And yet her first text after my NC was all about how she wished only the best for me and how we had such great times together.

 

So again, for the first 3-4 weeks post break up I was only hurting myself not giving her the space and sending her those texts. Then when I went NC, I know for a fact she got the message that her spell was no longer as strong and waning by the minute. My guess is that if someone kept chasing for weeks and months on end, it's actually destroying the chances of reconciliation.

[VeraLynn]

Oh man oh man. I'm the epitome of a stubborn woman and friends with many. I can promise you from my point of view that what you see at face value and perceive is so far from what is actually happening on the inside.

[TimeToGrowUp]

Oh man oh man. I'm the epitome of a stubborn woman and friends with many. I can promise you from my point of view that what you see at face value and perceive is so far from what is actually happening on the inside.

 

It took a while for me to finally understand this. Initially it really hurt my feelings that 4.5 years seemed like nothing to her.

[pumpkinmoon]

The only thing I've decided is that I want to be happy. Do I hope NC brings him to his senses and he decides to start treating me how he once did? Heck yes! But, I only want him back if it that happens.. I don't want him back to be miserable or to fill loneliness.

 

Good for you. I have done something exactly like that today and it's hard! How long have you been NC for now?

[Chris Knows]

NC ... crazy how it works

[Snarfing]

Vera,

 

Quick question. I am in a similar situation as you were. Dated my ex of 4 years. She left me 5 months ago. I went NC for 4 months. She has recently started talking to me again, telling me that she still "Is in love with me", "Has a piece of her missing with me gone", "Misses me everyday" ... but is afraid to commit to me just yet. I ask you, because if this happened with your ex how would you feel about the situation?

[doiiiieeezie]

I think everyone on here who hasn't got the result that they wanted will ask themselves: what if I went NC right away? What if i begged? Stayed friends? Spun around and flipped around 10 times? Would they have worked on themselves then?

 

The truth of the matter is that there is no solution to reconciliation or a magical formula. Follow your heart and think with your head. Not speaking to someone in any context for a period of time takes the situation from attachment/panic to reason and sensibility. You do need to take your life back and think for yourself because many times people will lose themselves while in relationships. I know that I have in past ones.

 

In essence, if you are doing NC to get back at them, you are only punishing yourself. It's avoidance and self-torture. Trust me on that. It might work for many to reverse the mind of the "dumper" but it serves no purpose if you don't get up and do something for yourself. Exes do come back... just not when you want.

[VeraLynn]

Vera,

 

Quick question. I am in a similar situation as you were. Dated my ex of 4 years. She left me 5 months ago. I went NC for 4 months. She has recently started talking to me again, telling me that she still "Is in love with me", "Has a piece of her missing with me gone", "Misses me everyday" ... but is afraid to commit to me just yet. I ask you, because if this happened with your ex how would you feel about the situation?

 

Well, that's probably how my story would have went if he disappeared.. It seems like she is definitely hurting and missing you, but she's afraid of leaping and getting hurt. When you're wounded, you don't want to hurt more, so you avoid risks (look at all of us dumpees!). I would simply tell her "actions speak louder than words." and see what happens, but don't put yourself in a position to expect a perfect ending-- we all know how that goes.

[VeraLynn]

Good for you. I have done something exactly like that today and it's hard! How long have you been NC for now?

 

Oh jeez, don't laugh, under a week.. Not long at all. It's a little different since we work together, but I have successfully evaded him when he's been around. I've done NC with him and he seems to reappear around the 2nd week, but this time I'm doing it until I'm ready to deal.

 

Like I've said, I've done NC before, but it was to get a rise out of him, this time I just want a break.. I thought about it would be nice of him to call, but then I wonder why, I don't have anything to say and I'm not interested in meeting up with him to repeat the same ol' cycle, lol.

[pumpkinmoon]

Well over a day is an achievement lol You seem to be coping very well, have your head screwed on and know what you want. I wish I was the same

[VeraLynn]

Well over a day is an achievement lol You seem to be coping very well, have your head screwed on and know what you want. I wish I was the same

 

My head is only screwed on because it's been spun around so much the last few months that the screw is broken in the upright position, lol. But trust me, it took a lot of pain to finally call it how it is.

[dumped]

OP how old are the persons involved?f

[BriarRose]

I think even had Ex #1 gone NC, it would have made no difference. If he had meant that much to you, you wouldn't have wanted your "space" in the first place.