Should I send an email?

[arsenic_n_lace]

Everyone is telling me not to do it and sometimes I feel that way as well but at the end of the day I think I want to make things better. All I’m doing is playing a game with myself anyway; you know the “how long can I go without contacting him” game. We’ve been broken up for almost a year now after being together for three and while I don’t want to be best friends or anything it would be nice to talk to him every couple months or so. The last time we talked things didn’t end well and basically he just started ignoring me which is why I then went NC and he didn’t seem to care as he hasn’t tried to contact me.

 

So part of me wants to contact him but the other part of me just doesn’t want to get rejected again and I’d rather him contact me first.

 

I just don’t want things to have ended the way they did, I don’t want the last conversation we had to be the last conversation if you can understand where I’m coming from. But I also don’t want to contact someone who doesn’t want to talk to me. And in the last email that I sent I said that if he ever wanted to be friends he could contact me and he hasn’t so maybe he’s just totally over it? I just don’t know what to do, what do you all think?

[wlh22]

Can I ask if the breakup was mutual or who dumped who? That plays a role in answering this question. Also, what are you expecting?

 

But like most people said, the best thing probably is just to let go...

[Dinka]

My advice in writing a letter to your ex is always this:

 

If you choose to write a letter (or an email) then that is fine. Just make sure that you aren't doing it in order to get some sort of response. If you write a letter, do it for yourself and then expect that you will never hear anything ever again. Letter-writing should not be some passive-aggressive means to an end.

 

Another word of "wisdom" is to never, never EVER send the first letter that you write. Write a letter as if it's your final draft, then leave it for a day. Come back to it at least 24-hours later and re-read it. You'll find that there are MANY things you want to change. Never write an angry letter, you'll always feel guilty or bad about it later.

 

It sounds like you want to write a letter to initiate contact. If you're on good terms with your ex, there is nothing wrong with writing a letter just to say hi. But don't write him a letter saying, "By the way, just reminding you that if you ever want to keep in touch, you can write me a note." You already did that, and this is his response. Writing another letter will not change that response. In fact, it'll probably just annoy him and cause him to withdraw even further.

 

You left the door open, and that's all you can do. Don't use letter-writing as a means to try and squeeze your way in because that's not a good reason for writing a letter.

[lipgloss]

i have to agree with dinka.

 

it is cathartic to write out how you feel. but don't send it. you owe it to yourself to keep your personal feelings to your own. the person you broke up with is now unfortunately someone you can not lean onto.

 

it's hard. i did it. and i look back at what i wrote and laugh - wishing i could have revised some of my thoughts. they weren't angry, just thoughts that i wished i could have kept to myself.

[Kaytie]

Have you tried writing it in a journal instead?

[MakestheBest]

I think that the journal idea is a good one...also be truthful with yourself. Can you honestly say that you could contact him with absolutely NO hope of a reconciliation. I doubt it. So i would say no, dont contact him, unless you are sure you don't want him back in the slightest bit. And the only way you'll know that you don't want him back in the slightest bit is that you won't have an urge to contact him. Life sucks, I know.

[California Boy]

I think you write the letter, hold it for a day or two, reread it, decide if you want to send it or not.

 

The way I feel about it, if it's something you need to say, then say it. Understand it may or may not change anything. If you'd regret not sending it, send it. If you'd regret sending it after you've had a few days to think about it, don't send it.

[arsenic_n_lace]

Well he was the one who broke up with me and it definitely was not mutual. He’s contacted me a few times to be friends and I’ve contacted him a few times but it just never seems to work and I think the reason is because I always wanted more and I guess that made him uncomfortable so we would stop talking.

 

And thinking about it now, I mean it would be good to be able to talk to him every once in a while but I think I’m just feeling a little lonely at the moment and I haven’t met anyone that I have that same connection with, so maybe I’m thinking that if we can become friends he might see what he once did and want more?

 

I guess I’m just afraid that I won’t find anyone again, I’m thinking that maybe I already had my chance and I blew it…

 

But like someone said if I do send the email I’d be saying the same thing I already did and he didn’t answer that one so what makes me think he’ll answer this one? I guess part of me just wonders if he feels the same way I do. I’d like to talk to him but I’m afraid of being rejected which is why I have not yet contacted him and maybe he’s afraid too? I don’t know…

[Dinka]

...maybe I’m thinking that if we can become friends he might see what he once did and want more?

 

Then this is not a reason to write a letter; hoping to get in contact with an ex so that they'll want you back in the long run has the possibility of being even more damaging to you than a break up.

 

Instead of putting your efforts to this, I suggest that you instead focus on trying something new: join a new group or a club and make some new friends. Meet new people and expand your social circle. It's a far more positive effort and, in all likelihood, you'll end up finding more people that you are compatible with.

[catfeeder]

Given that you've already sent him an opening to communication and he didn't respond, there is no way I'd send him a letter.

 

If you think you feel bad now, think of how it would feel to expose your vulnerabilities a year after your breakup and have him still ignore you. What's the point, anyway? You say you've already invited him to contact you, and he's passed. What's left to say to that?

[BriarRose]

Given that you've already sent him an opening to communication and he didn't respond, there is no way I'd send him a letter.

 

If you think you feel bad now, think of how it would feel to expose your vulnerabilities a year after your breakup and have him still ignore you. What's the point, anyway? You say you've already invited him to contact you, and he's passed. What's left to say to that?

I agree. Please don't do this. I recently broke NC and was totally ignored and it wasn't liberating or cathartic....it felt like crap. Still does.