3rd time is the charm?

[peavy]

I have recently gotten back together with a guy I dumped twice. The first break-up occurred after we had been together 5 months, and the second 2 months after that. The first time we were apart for about 3 weeks, the second for about 2 months.

 

The first time we broke up, he sent me text messages begging me to come back the whole time we were apart. I missed him and did. He later told me he had not dated/slept with anyone during the separation.

 

The second break-up, he initially started with the needy text messages again. Those continued for about 2 weeks. Then I wanted to reconcile. We hung out for a whole weekend, and I thought things were going well. Then all of a sudden he told me he had a date with someone else. I was upset, as I had just assumed we were back together, though really it was a stupid assumption on my part. I told him that I understood why he'd want to move on, but that I really didn't want to hear details. He said he would call me back and explain the next day when I was less upset, but never did.

 

That was the last I talked to him, until over a month later. He called just to say hello. We ended up setting up a time to get coffee. Coffee led to sex, and after about two weeks of casually sleeping together he told me he wanted to be back together. I told him I wanted that too.

 

Here is the problem: he refuses to discuss anything that happened around the break-up or during the separation. He won't talk about the fight that happened before the break-up, he won't tell me who he was dating, or if he had sex with them. He says we are back and that is all that matters.

 

The problem is, one of the reasons I broke up with him both times is that he was uncommunicative and seemed hung up on his ex. He would talk about her constantly. He had broken up with her because she was pushing for marriage, and she was trying to get him back. I know that I can't blame him for her behavior, but he was not upfront and honest when she would stop by his house, leave him notes, etc. I felt like I was coming between people with unfinished business.

 

I don't want to have to break-up a third time, but I feel like I need to know what transpired while we were apart. I am assuming he went back to her for a while, knows I'd be upset and won't tell me. Am I wrong for wanting to have this conversation? I realize I broke up with him, but I feel he owes me some honestly and an explanation about his behavior? He coud have slept with her, or with someone else and I feel I need to know?

[vertigoxo]

I have a feeling he went out for a coffee date with the ex you mentioned. :S

[HeartGoesOn]

Why do you keep taking him back without resolving your issues first?

[peavy]

I know it is stupid. I don't know why I keep taking him back without resolving our issues. The first time he did assure me that he was over his ex, and that we wanted to be with me. Since I gave him space to go back with her, and he didn't and still pursued me I felt like he demonstrated this was true. He explained he couldn't prevent her from showing up places he'd be, emailing him, etc. However, I felt like he COULD have done more, like being ruder to her, not responding to her emails and such.

 

I don't know. He really says he is over her, and points out HE ended it. But I don't want to feel like he is only back with me because it didn't work out with her because we were apart.

[Tired Tiger]

What I'm not reading here is why these break ups occur in the first place. There's core issues behind why this happens. If you don't address those, all you're going to do is repeat the cycle. You need to focus on what has happened to cause the break ups - not what happens when you're apart.

[peavy]

Basically the core issue is that his ex-girlfriend, who he was with for four years prior to me, seems to still be too much a part of his life. She has followed me, followed him, showed up at his house, left him flowers, followed us on dates, etc. More or less, she is a stalker.

 

I realize that he cant' control this, but he wouldn't confront her, he would still take her calls and try to reason with her, and sometimes he would even intiate contact. He said he did it because he felt bad for hurting her. Once she made something up about having a new boyfriend and he told me he was really upset thinking about her with someone else.

 

I felt like he was still in love with her, even though he had broken up with her. He claimed he never wanted to go back to her though. So, what he did during the break-up IS kind of relavent, because if he went back to her.....it demonstrates that my fears were right.

[Tired Tiger]

I hate to say it, but... you appear to be in something of a rebound situation. Have a read of this thread (particularly Zorba's post) -

 

Reverse psychology and the "Rebound" relationship

[vertigoxo]

Tired Tiger is right, sadly. A man can lie and deny until his face turns blue, but if his actions says otherwise... Basically, your boyfriend is repressing his deepest feelings for his ex-gf, and is probably trying to move on from her, but is still way too stuck on her to do so.

[peavy]

Hmm, that is what I fear too. Why would he come back to me, twice, though?

 

And he initiated coming back both times. I had not contacted him at all. It seems like if I meant nothing to him, and he still loved her, he would have found someone new?

[vertigoxo]

Hmm, that is what I fear too. Why would he come back to me, twice, though?

 

You want the truth?

 

You're a "safe bet". You're his safety net, his "special friend" rather than a real proper girlfriend. You gave him a first chance when you walked out on him, you gave him a second chance... So of course he'll trust that you'll give him another chance.

 

Does he show clear signs that he isn't over her? Like, does he bring her up a lot, or stares at her in public, etc?

[peavy]

Yes! He brings her up constantly. I'll mention a song, and he'll say "oh, my ex-girlfriend liked that." He also definitely stares at her in public. We had a fight about it once.

 

I have also gotten different versions of why he dumped her. I don't know, his female friends tell me that he is way more into me than her and they have never seen him this enamoured with anyone. I don't see it though.

[Tired Tiger]

I won't presume to suggest what you should or shouldn't do, but I can say with almost absolute certainty that he's not over her. For what it's worth, that doesn't make him a bad guy at all - just someone who hasn't properly healed before moving on.

[peavy]

Well, I talked to him and he did sleep with her. He was also dating two other women and slept with them too. At first he lied about it when I asked him, but then I caught him in a story and it came out. He said he lied to protect me.....but now it pretty much makes me question everythng.

 

I don't know what to think... I guess the fact that he was dating other people and did not reunite with her makes me feel like he doesn't still love her.....and that he does not want to recommit to her. But the fact that he slept with 3 people in such a short amount of time sickens me. I told him I needed time to think. I am pretty sick over the whole thing.

[minou]

Sleeping with 3 people is a short time is casual sex. At a certain age, that may happen. What does it matter if you were apart. If he wanted to be with her, he would. He wants you. Why is that so hard to have sink in? I think you're the one who needs to let go of his ex. The way I see it, you dumped him. What he did while you were apart is none of your business. Maybe he just had lots of casual sex and thinks you would judge him for that. Maybe he was with her, but if he wanted her he would be with her now, wouldn't he? I think you are obsessed with the past and need to focus on the present. One rule, no talking about the ex, on both your parts at this point, otherwise something that is no longer an issue will haunt you and break you up for good. People are bound to still have some feelings about exes. It's NATURAL. What's more important is your time together and whether or not you can make each other happy.