Do these things mean shes over me or that she still cares?

[Tears May Fall]

So my ex and I are "friends" again after not having spoken for over a year. We dated for a little over 2 years and for the past few months now became friends again.

 

We went from talking once or twice a week, to talking/texting practically everyday now. We hang out periodically from time to time too. She'd come over to my house randomly too at times saying "oh i was in the area and wanted to drop by." At first when she started talking to me again, I was like "why is she talking to me again" and I thought I was over her, but as we spent more time together, I realized the feelings were still there.

 

My question is, I cant figure out what she wants from this "friendship," just friends or the potential for more again? Is she becoming friends with me to keep the option open? I dont know how she still feels...

 

So the strange occurrence that took place this weekend that had me wondering yet again...is I had a friend who was visiting from out of town and I told her Id spend the weekend with her here in NY. My ex texts me and asks me what I was doing this weekend and if I could help her with a paper and some studying for school (she's taking a class now in grad school which was my major and focus throughout school). I told her I was busy and Id have to see if I can swing by late sunday night to help her but I couldnt promise it and Id be more free during the week. She got curious and asks (im assuming in a playful manner) "what could you be doing thats more important than me." And I replied "ur so funny." And then she continues to insist on asking me, and it got to a point where it made me uncomfortable. And then she goes "If you're hanging out with a girl you can tell me, I tell you about my life (she tells me about a guy shes kinda talking to)." And thats when I had to let her know that it made me uncomfortable talking about my personal life with her and that I didnt want to know the details of her life either. She sounded shocked and upset and goes "I thought we were friends and that friends could talk about these things but I guess we're different" and then says to not worry about helping her with anything that she'll do it on her own.

 

This isn't the only time that she was insistent on knowing about what I was doing, a few weeks ago I went to the movies and she was very insistent on knowing who I went with.

 

Its just that when she talks to me about her personal life and tells me about a guy she is talking to, i get anxiety wondering if i'll lose her to him, and it makes me uncomfortable the thought of her being with another guy and I just feel that I dont wanna tell her about my life because I wouldnt want her to feel like that...but perhaps she doesnt care anymore and just looks at me like just a friend.

 

Ive heard flipped sides to this..some people say if shes ok with talking to you about her personal life and dating then she might just look at you as JUST a friend and nothing more...and then some people say if shes sooo curious to know then that means she still cares...i dunno which it might be but i know im not over her and I still feel very strongly about her, but Im not sure if its too late for her part and she is over me and looks at me as just a friend now...

[tehh]

This is a tough one.

[Llama Dancer]

You can't force this -- this is a case of having to wait and see. It sounds like there's potential there for the two of you, but if it's going to happen, it's going to happen.

 

Personally, if it were me, I'd tell her that I still care very deeply for her and that this is uncharted territory for me. I would let her know that while I very much care about her life, certain details can make me wobbly. If she doesn't grasp that bit of emotional maturity, well...

 

You're not following her around like a puppy -- that's a good thing. Nobody respects that. Let the friendship take it's course. Focus more on enjoying her company and less on over-analyzing it. Don't worry about being "friend-zoned." If there's chemistry, there's chemistry.

 

Oh -- and if you think that after two years of feelings and a year of not speaking that there isn't a sea of conflict in her as well -- you're likely mistaken.

 

Good luck to you.

[MakestheBest]

I wouldnt put myself too far out. Esp if she is the dumper.

 

Yes, I think that she has feelings for you. If she was just a friend, she wouldn't react so strongly to you saying that you don't want to talk about your personal life by saying " don't help me at all ". She is still attracted to you on some level, but if she is attracted enough to date you remains to be seen. After all I have male friends that I feel possessive about, but I would prob never date them seriously.

 

At some point I would put your feelings to her the way you have to us : " when you talk to me about your personal life and tell me about a guys your are talking to, it makes me uncomfortable-the thought of you being with another guy and I just feel that I dont wanna tell you about my life because I wouldnt want you to feel like that ".

 

This is a sweet but strong way to put it, it will also keep you out of the "friend" zone, while assuring her that you do have things going on, so don't take you for granted.

[Tears May Fall]

Thanks, great responses guys. You're most probably right in that she does still care because if she didnt she wouldnt have flipped out like that.

 

I think the reasons she wouldn't date me aren't whether shes attracted to me or not, but whether she believes things can work again, and I myself have the same concerns. We didnt break up over any major incident or fight, it was just series of minor issues that carried along, the pride and stubbornness is really what ended the relationship, neither person wanted to sacrifice a bit of their own happiness for the other persons. We were young and immature, atleast I know I was as I reflect back on it.

 

I might have been a bit too straightfwd in my response to her the other night and she mightve felt like i didnt care and just brushed her off like her needs are irrevelent. I kinda used to at times do that while we together and she would feel as though im selfish. Only difference this time around right now is that shes not my girlfriend, so she doesn't hold that precedence in my life and I dont feel its any of her business to be poking around in my personal life.

 

My other concern is with this other guy shes seeing. She blew me off two weekends ago, then the next night tells me its a girls night out only for me to find out that her brother and this guy actually tagged along. Then she goes on to tell me a story about how her cousin pissed her off because he was holding her hand and kissing her in the club and her cousin pulled her away from him asking her why the hell she is with this guy. And then she even says to me oh i dont even know what im doing, I dont think its gonna work out with this guy anyway. Really upset me, to 1) know she just made plans with me for the weekend only to jump at her "better" option and 2) to rub it in my face that he kissed you...why in the world would she throw that in there grrr

 

Playing games, teasing?? Sounds very immature to me on her part and makes me annoyed. Because I dont think she'd like me telling her about some girl im making out with or even more...

[MakestheBest]

why in the world would she throw that in there grrr

 

She wants a jealous response from you. Don't read that as a b*tchy move unless she actually is manipulative on a regular basis. She is basically trying to see if you still care for her. And also she is putting it out there that the relationship is not serious with him. (her message is tho she is a highly attractive woman with options, she is still available-smirk)

 

Take heart. It seems as though she is into you again. But dumpers get just as nervous as the dumpees-esp. when the dumping is a forced-dump ( dumping the person because you felt you had to) in that case we don't feel like the all-powerful dumpers. But victims just like you do.

 

She is testing the waters with you, I say you do the same, or at the very least give her a positive response, so she feels comfortable moving forward. But you need to figure out a way to work out the issues that caused the problems in the first place. Otherwise you'll both be right back here all over again. Yay! I'm excited for you. I think you have a lot of promise

[MakestheBest]

Really upset me, to 1) know she just made plans with me for the weekend only to jump at her "better" option

 

btw: there are a million reasons as to why this happened. I dont know why she did this. Her plans could have been to have a girls night initially then changed later. Try not to take this too personally or its going to mess up any reconciliation. Also you should expect some weird behavior initially from the your ex as she struggles with her feelings eg: trying to make you jealous, coming forward then needing distance, lashing out, placing blame, She is struggling with her feelings just like you are expect some craziness and try to take it in stride.

[shessofly]

you should ask her what her intentions are

[Tears May Fall]

sofly - I wish I could just simply ask her what her intentions are but she can be complicated and in a way Im afraid of what the answer might be (the fear has struck me hard). I wanted to ask her why she chose to open up contact with me again...and then perhaps ask her what her intentions of that were, maybe ask her if she ever wonders...

 

I dont know if the confusing signal shes sending are simply her being confused, or her just not wanting anything of that sort with me. Im a strong believer that if someone enjoys your company and wants to spend time with you, they'll take advantage of every opportunity they get to do so, and i dunno if I want to be with someone who doesnt want me as much as I want them, Im not going to beg or plead.

 

In reflection to this, I dont feel as though she really YEARNS for me like that, maybe a part of her deep inside might have some old feelings and memories, but for some strange reason, im beginning to lose faith. If you asked me a month ago, I wouldve thought differently but as of late things are suggesting otherwise.

 

She has grown to be more distant this week. She doesnt ever text or call me, unless I initiate it first (and its all just text or facebook chat). Her replies to anything I say or write to her (just general questions about whats going on, hows her day, hows work, etc) are very impassive, and seem like they lack any feeling or emotion, all very mundane one line responses.

 

She told me this past week, saying my name first and then going "I dont think im going to be able to spend much time together with you as i thought, the workload this semester is going to be extremely tough, more than i anticipated, i basically wont be home mon-thurs, and i work three weekends out of the month (she works full time and goes to school for her masters). Like I said earlier, if someone really wants to, they would make the time, but I am obviously not on her list of desires.

 

So it all makes me think otherwise and wondering if I should bother at all. The other problem with just letting time play things out is...

 

1) Our contact and time together is being diminished and it might be an outta sight outta mind kinda deal

and

2) I think its too difficult for me to be just her friend, knowing shes seeing other people and knowing Im JUST a friend...it hurts me too much

 

So one of those damned if you damned if you dont kinda situations...

[Tears May Fall]

sofly - I wish I could just simply ask her what her intentions are but she can be complicated and in a way Im afraid of what the answer might be (the fear has struck me hard). I wanted to ask her why she chose to open up contact with me again...and then perhaps ask her what her intentions of that were, maybe ask her if she ever wonders...

 

I dont know if the confusing signal shes sending are simply her being confused, or her just not wanting anything of that sort with me. Im a strong believer that if someone enjoys your company and wants to spend time with you, they'll take advantage of every opportunity they get to do so, and i dunno if I want to be with someone who doesnt want me as much as I want them, Im not going to beg or plead.

 

In reflection to this, I dont feel as though she really YEARNS for me like that, maybe a part of her deep inside might have some old feelings and memories, but for some strange reason, im beginning to lose faith. If you asked me a month ago, I wouldve thought differently but as of late things are suggesting otherwise.

 

She has grown to be more distant this week. She doesnt ever text or call me, unless I initiate it first (and its all just text or facebook chat). Her replies to anything I say or write to her (just general questions about whats going on, hows her day, hows work, etc) are very impassive, and seem like they lack any feeling or emotion, all very mundane one line responses.

 

She told me this past week, saying my name first and then going "I dont think im going to be able to spend much time together with you as i thought, the workload this semester is going to be extremely tough, more than i anticipated, i basically wont be home mon-thurs, and i work three weekends out of the month (she works full time and goes to school for her masters). Like I said earlier, if someone really wants to, they would make the time, but I am obviously not on her list of desires.

 

So it all makes me think otherwise and wondering if I should bother at all. The other problem with just letting time play things out is...

 

1) Our contact and time together is being diminished and it might be an outta sight outta mind kinda deal

and

2) I think its too difficult for me to be just her friend, knowing shes seeing other people and knowing Im JUST a friend...it hurts me too much

 

So one of those damned if you damned if you dont kinda situations...