So... She cheated on me. Now what?

[Mr SIBLEY]

I'm still upset, yes. Still got all those thoughts running through my head, I've cried, yelled and called her slag.

 

But this is an opportunity really. I mean, now I can move on, find someone who does care and just think about myself. So, with this in mind, should I wait before getting back into dating? Or should I concentrate on my career?

 

I'm not sure to be honest, but just want to let people know I won't let this hold be back and now I'll be stronger. Any advice on how I can make sure she never darkens my doorstep again would be fantastic.

 

Thanks in advance x

[Crazyaboutdogs]

How long ago did this happen? Have you been in contact with her since things ended? Just stick to NC and if she contacts you just tell her you want nothing more to do with her. As for your career, why not concentrate on that for a while until you are not as angry and bitter and truly ready to meet someone new.

[g_the_wanderer]

I'm assuming it's truly over right? I hope so. Once a cheat...

 

Oh yes: the anger, hurt, sadness, betrayal, loneliness, loss of confidence, cynicism, going over what went wrong in your mind... It's all real, so may as well grieve properly. At the same time, keep telling yourself things will get all shiny again, and never play yourself off as a victim or dwell on the fact you think it's her fault. We all get bad breaks, but it is what it is. Besides, you also make your own luck in this world, so may as well start on that. How?

 

Next: I agree with no contact. I couldn't really move forward until I did that. Cheaters are still devious after the fact and she'll probably come at you with tears, offers of off-the-chain sex, vicious outbursts, attempts to put you down, etc. Keep a cool head and move along. If you run in to her by chance, do not get angry, sad, start asking questions, engage in chit-chat, etc. Nothing sets you back further than contact. Avoid your ex.

 

Then: do the things that make you happy. Try new and random things. It's just you now, so you might as well do whatever you like, whenever you like. It'll start to take some of the sting out of what happened. And yes, throw yourself into work. Let it consume you for a bit. You'll sometimes be distracted by thoughts of what she did, but just get stuck into the job.

 

After the anger dies down, start dating again. Lots. Don't go into it with any expectations whatsoever. Have some fun, enjoy the company of different women and take nothing seriously/personally. Be a frequent Durex Flier if that helps, but avoid relationships. Just be a ball of radiant man-sunshine. Met some lovely women this way and it helped bring back the self-belief.

 

You might be feeling like you lost your girl -- something you felt was good -- but it definitely wasn't that good any more, anyway. If you're really hurting right now that's cool, feel it, but also start living for yourself again (yup, be very selfish, it's therapy) enjoy your life and do not contact your ex.

 

Good luck.

[Mr SIBLEY]

I found out this morning. And it hurts. I do still love her and I'm afraid that when I go over to hers tonight I'll cave in.

 

What happened is that she wanted a break. We were having a few issues and she said she wanted to take it slow and think. I agreed and she had a friend down for a week because he had some issues with his girlfriend and needed a break.

 

Yes, alarm bells rang, but I didn't want to lose her. She TEXT me this morning saying that she got drunk and had sex with him (bearing in mind she invited me over for casual sex yesterday, i declined thankfully).

 

I'm a bit afraid that she'll lay it on and I'll cave. I do still love her but I don't want to be a doormat.

 

Just need some advice.

 

I just want to know what to say, just to let her know that I won't be taken for a fool and that she's gone. Just some help on what to say.

[mikem]

Be strong and don't go back to her. You might rescheduale the meeting if possible so you can collect yourself. Tell her you need some time to think.

 

I'd take some time to heal. These things are shocking experiences and you need some time to heal before jumping back into another relationship. Stay in No Contact with her and get yourself healthy. The 'time of healing' doesn't have to be forever, but it's good to give yourself time to heal emotionally before jumping back into another relationship.

 

God bless...

[mikem]

Just read one of your other posts. DEFINANTLY DON'T GO BACK TO HER! YOU DESERVE FAR BETTER!

[j.r.c.123]

I'm still upset, yes. Still got all those thoughts running through my head, I've cried, yelled and called her slag.

 

But this is an opportunity really. I mean, now I can move on, find someone who does care and just think about myself. So, with this in mind, should I wait before getting back into dating? Or should I concentrate on my career?

 

I'm not sure to be honest, but just want to let people know I won't let this hold be back and now I'll be stronger. Any advice on how I can make sure she never darkens my doorstep again would be fantastic.

 

Thanks in advance x

 

i think the damage she has done to your relationship is irrepairable. once someone cheats, the trust instantly goes and it's an unforgiveable act. i think you should call it a day if you haven't done so already. concentrate on yourself and doing everything you can to make yourself better.

[ElChup]

She has crossed the line and it's time for the end. Simple as that.

[PennyLane09]

you need to be a hard a** now when you go over there. she cheated, break or no break...work on yourself and your career. DON'T CAVE!

[pinkrobot]

You don't have to get right back into dating in order to prove this isn't holding you back.

 

If you get back into dating immediately, you're doing it for the wrong reasons IMO. You'd be doing it because you can, not because you truly want to. I mean, you just found out this morning. Take some time and focus on yourself.

[Mr SIBLEY]

When I go over there, should I get closure, or just pick up my stuff and pretend she doesn't exist.

 

I won't go back to dating right away, wouldn't be right and it wouldn't be fair on the people I date.

 

Just advice on what I should do round there. She keeps saying we should get back together, but says she doesn't regret what she did.

[Spanky88]

but says she doesn't regret what she did.

 

Don't even consider it. That statement right there should tell you everything you need to know about her. If she doesn't have any regret, what's stopping her from doing it again? You don't want to have to put up with that. You don't need to be be constantly worried about it happening again. It's going to be hard to do, but in this situation it's best to move on.

[pinkrobot]

Just advice on what I should do round there. She keeps saying we should get back together, but says she doesn't regret what she did.

 

There's your closure right there. You already sound well-prepared to move on and forget about her, so that's exactly what you should do. What benefit would you really get by talking to her more about it?

[g_the_wanderer]

I had caught my ex-wife being/trying to be unfaithful a few times over a two-year period. Despite my attempts to fix it (renewing our vows, talking, courses, counselling) it merely got worse. Your GF is very likely to be unfaithful to you again, because if you stay, she knows she can be. By doing what she did, she has shown that she has lost all respect for you.

 

And you have lost all trust in her. Unless you're willing to suffer immensely on the (very slim) hope that you can rescue this, I hope you can find the strength to move on.

 

She willed those circumstances with her (also emotionally vulnerable male friend) into existence, and her saying 'she needs time to think' is just a euphemism for wanting other partners. She even had the cheek to text you what she did.

 

If you carry on with her, you now put yourself at huge risk for mental anguish and further damage to your self-worth.

 

I hope you will move on from her. She's in a very destructive place right now. Take steps to start removing her from your life as soon as rawness of it all wears off. She does not deserve your love. You are probably in shock, numb, angry and full of questions, like I was when my ex placed the last straw on my back. I apologise to this thread for my rude typing but DO NOT SEE HER TONIGHT OR ANY TIME. At least not for a few days if you need to collect your things. She won't want to see you walk away from her , so will try everything to get you to 'talk'. Don't give in.

 

You no longer need to fear losing her, because unfortunately you already have. The dead giveaway is what she's done, how she's handled it, and what she's said to you.

 

Take the time to get over the loss. Talk with parents, friends, church , this thread or whomever you feel will help you sort this out. You've just been strapped into an emotional roller coaster. Just hang on tight and ride it out -- it'll end eventually.

 

Stonewall her for now; no contact, be strong.

[g_the_wanderer]

When I go over there, should I get closure, or just pick up my stuff and pretend she doesn't exist.

 

If you have stuff at her place, don't go over there tonight. Wait a few days, if it's not urgent. Try to get a friend to get your stuff, or have it sent to you. If you can't do that, just silently collect your stuff and leave.

 

... says she doesn't regret what she did.

 

I've heard that, too. There's anger/malice in what she said, and she will hurt you again. There's nothing more to be said between you. If you engage with her so soon, she'll fill your head with hope and have your heart/mind in more knots than it already is.

 

Sorry if I come accross as harsh or overbearing, it's just that it seems so clear to me how this will play out and I hope you will be strong enough to say nothing and don't see her for a few days.

[meyoufools]

Dude. Just leave...no in fact, run for your life! Just get out now! If you need your stuff so bad you can get a friend or two to help you with it and they will keep you level if she tries to lay it on (hopefully she won't though because your friends will be there and its embarassing to get all drama in front of strangers).

 

She has no respect for you and obviously doesn't love you so why even think about trying to work it out. Sadly you are already the doormat soooo... now you should pick yourself up, leave her and get to work building back up whatever vestiges of self respect and pride there are remaining.

[Clarity]

Don't see her. There's no way you can get closure right now with how fresh this all is and the emotional state you're in. Closure will come a long time from now.

[sturuguru]

um this happened to me she cheated I took her back guess what she did it again and married the guy. So my suggestion run as fast as you can and dont look back, I mean who needs that. I believe if ya take this person back you will be giving them permission to do it again as they will look at it as "that was easy". So close the door on this one or just use her for sex, your choice.

[meyoufools]

guess what she did it again and married the guy.

 

wow that's harsh. But i would bet a nice chunk of cold hard cash that the same is gonna happen with them and she's gonna go down in flames soon enough!