Is faithfulness what matters most?

[Keraron]

Between two people in a relationship, and to determine the worth of the relationship, is faithfulness what matters most?

 

Are there other things that are more important e.g. when deciding whether to continue or end a relationship (especially if one was unfaithful), such as reliability of a person, ability to raise a child, be a good father, a realist and not with the head in the clouds, a person with a safe career, etc.?

 

I was discussing with one of my best friends about the fact that I felt that a person who is faithful to his girlfriend/wife deserves her more than someone who isn't.

 

EDIT/CORRECTED: In my specific case, a girl I like wants to end a relationship with an unfaithful and promiscuous FWB (friend-with-benefits, NOT boyfriend!) and may switch to me, as I think she has strong feelings for me. When I told my friend that I think I deserve her more than him, he severely criticised me, saying that faithfulness is not the most important thing.

 

What do you think?

 

Is faithfulness what matters most?

Should infidelity be forgiven for other factors in the relationship?

 

Does an unfaithful man deserve someone as much as a faithful man?

[JohnnyDynamic]

Trust and communication is the most important aspect of any relationship. If we can communicate honestly, there is no problem.

 

You don't deserve anything in this universe, it owes you nothing. All you can do is give.

 

Be careful about this girl that is in the process of switching to you lol. Sounds like you are in for a heartbreak.

[JJMAC]

Trust and communication is the most important aspect of any relationship. If we can communicate honestly, there is no problem.

 

You don't deserve anything in this universe, it owes you nothing. All you can do is give.

 

Be careful about this girl that is in the process of switching to you lol. Sounds like you are in for a heartbreak.

 

Very wise!

 

Yeah, so to the original poster, here's the thing. You have these strong feelings for this girl, but now is the time to get out without destroying yourself. Your feelings are only going to get stronger when essentially what you will be is a rebound. I know that sounds harsh, and it's easy to say when my feelings aren't involved, but I only say it because you sound like a nice guy. Realize that in 99 out of 100 situations like yours, you're going to end up getting hurt.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Faithfulness is tied in with the whole issue of loyalty, honesty and integrity. A person who is unfaithful has shown lack of loyalty, lack of honesty and lack of integrity...also, in a sense they are NOT reliable because chances are they were shirking responsibilities in order to be with the person they were cheating with. A person who cheats is also not a realist..they do indeed have their head in the clouds as they run after the excitement of something "forbidden" instead of focusing on the responsibility of being a good and loyal partner. People who cheat also end up being reckless..they can be reckless with their money (supporting their double life), reckless with their job (if they are cheating with a co-worker), and reckless with raising their children as they often focus more on their affair than on their children...they may be physically present with their children but their minds are miles away daydreaming about the next hot sex session they will have with their affair partner.

[sophie274]

In my opinion, there are more ways of being faithful and unfaithful that just physical adultery. (And by the way, isn't this girl being unfaithful to her boyfriend, since her relationship with you is overlapping with her relationship with him?)

 

While adultery is incredibly destructive to the fabric of a relationship, it is not the only or even necessarily the most destructive thing. There are plenty of other betrayals.

 

I don't share the opinion of many people on this site that infidelity is unforgivable, and that the only appropriate reaction to infidelity is the termination of the relationship. Sometimes, and sometimes not. Studies show that most people who are cheated on in a marriage remain married, and are not more unhappy than those who weren't cheated on.

 

I agree with the person who said that, unfortunately, no one "deserves" anything in life. However, people are best off when they are in relationships where they are getting as much out of them as they are putting into them ... otherwise it's not worth the effort. If I am a loyal, committed and devoted girlfriend, then I SHOULD be in a relationship where the other person is willing to be the same for me, not one where the other person is disloyal and unfaithful. In that sense, yes, I can morally deserve that, even though unfortunately the universe doesn't always listen!

[Keraron]

Very wise!

 

Yeah, so to the original poster, here's the thing. You have these strong feelings for this girl, but now is the time to get out without destroying yourself. Your feelings are only going to get stronger when essentially what you will be is a rebound. I know that sounds harsh, and it's easy to say when my feelings aren't involved, but I only say it because you sound like a nice guy. Realize that in 99 out of 100 situations like yours, your going to end up getting hurt.

 

Besides already being best friends for several months, we are both at an age level where I think rebound would not occur, especially when the emotions have lasted quite long. But even if that was all she wanted, I'd give it to her until she finds her road.

 

Oh, and I'm not a nice guy

I'm just developing my principles... which include breaking the nose of men who cheat on their wives and girlfriends. Unfortunately, there are too many unfair laws in this world

 

(And by the way, isn't this girl being unfaithful to her boyfriend, since her relationship with you is overlapping with her relationship with him?)

(They were not yet together when the three of us first met. I became best friends with her, but expressed my feelings after they were together and he started illtreating her.)

 

In that sense, yes, I can morally deserve that, even though unfortunately the universe doesn't always listen!

Well, aren't we all also an active part of the "universe"? Change starts at home, within ourselves. Whatever are the social norms or set of morals that work in reality, they start from the people who create them. A change in attitude can change all rules.

What I was asking was, indeed, whether I morally deserve it - how to transform the moral idealism into reality is, of course, another story

[sophie274]

 

Well, aren't we all also an active part of the "universe"? Change starts at home, within ourselves. Whatever are the social norms or set of morals that work in reality, they start from the people who create them. A change in attitude can change all rules.

What I was asking was, indeed, whether I morally deserve it - how to transform the moral idealism into reality is, of course, another story

 

Yes, I agree. I think good people deserve good things. Unfortunately, it seems like the rules of life are often that bad things happen to good people, and that no good deed goes unpunished!

 

However, we do make a lot of our own luck and can control our destiny (in my opinion) to a large extent, so it's up to us to create the most favorable circumstances, and be prepared to deal with the rest gracefully. In the case of this woman, I would say she only deserves better than her boyfriend if she does the difficult thing and leaves the relationship instead of being emotionally unfaithful to him by basically starting a relationship with you while she is still with him. Regardless of what he's done, based on what you've said in here, she doesn't really have the moral high ground.

[Day_Walker]

I dont think that it is good to separate the qualities of a person. I think that you take the person as they are and thats it.

 

I do not think that you deserve more than he does because you are both men. Personally, I think that you should be wary of this situation.

[catfeeder]

You 'deserve' her more according to who's rules?

 

You can make the best argument you want, but who's the judge of your appeal? The girl is involved with someone and has feelings for him, regardless of how valid you estimate them to be. In fact, disregard for her attachment is the perfect way to demo that you can run over anything or anyone to get what you want.

 

You can't insert yourself into someone's life and demand that her feelings for someone else be automatically transferred to you because you deserve them.

 

Messing around with someone who's in the middle of a breakup is setting yourself up badly. It positions you to witness her disloyalty as she sets up her 'on deck' guy before ditching a BF--and that means you'll enjoy a few minutes of victory before you start to wonder when she'll start doing the same thing to you. Whether you'd 'deserve' that or not is pretty irrelevant.

[Keraron]

Sorry, I must have depicted the situation too unclearly if you come to such conclusions, both about her and myself.

 

Please read the corrected description of the situation:

In my specific case, a girl I like wants to end a relationship with an unfaithful and promiscuous FWB (friend-with-benefits, NOT boyfriend!) and may switch to me, as I think she has strong feelings for me. When I told my friend that I think I deserve her more than him, he severely criticised me, saying that faithfulness is not the most important thing.

[Keraron]

I dont think that it is good to separate the qualities of a person. I think that you take the person as they are and thats it.

 

I do not think that you deserve more than he does because you are both men. Personally, I think that you should be wary of this situation.

 

I do not follow your reasoning; just because we are both men doesn't mean one can have more integrity/values/etc. than another.

[Day_Walker]

My point is that both of you are men, one may have "better" qualities but that doesnt mandate better treatment.

 

Since you are both men you should be treated the same. It seems as though you want to be rewarded for good behavior but that isnt the case. Good behavior is its own reward.

[Keraron]

My point is that both of you are men, one may have "better" qualities but that doesnt mandate better treatment.

Why not? I still don't follow.

[arcadefire]

I think faithfulness (which equates to honesty and loyalty) do matter, very importantly. If someone displays flaws in that area of the relationship, there's no way I can see it surviving long term.

[Tazmo]

I think it's individual.

 

For me, faithfulness is number one. If you aren't faithful, then we are not compatible in any way (Friendship/Relationship) and I simply do not wish to be apart of your life, or you mine.

 

Some people however, may not put such a big priority on it. I'm sure they don't wish to be cheated on for example, but if it happens, they maybe more inclined to work it out, rather than move on.

 

So yeah, I think it varies individual to individual.

[BellaStranger]

Personally I don't believe that faithfullness is everything and infidelity is the absolute end.

 

The way I see it is that cheating is a symptom of the illness that is a bad relationship. Maybe it is just a justification from someone who has cheated but I genuinely don't believe that happy people cheat on their partner. And if the relationship is unhappy thats the fault of both people involved, not one OR the other!!

 

It's very easy to condemn a cheater without giving a thought to the 'why'... it's a LOT easier to just apportion all blame on them without having to internalise what you also might have done wrong in the relationship!!

 

Don't get me wrong- I DO think cheating is wrong... it's the wrong way to go about treating the dissatisfaction you may feel in your relationship and it hurts a lot of people unecessarily.

 

Basically, I would like to think that if I was cheated on I would be more inclined to find out what went wrong and work things out (if the other person wanted to as well that is). And applied to the particular situation of the original poster- she is contributing to the poor quality of her current relationship- by both staying in it and seeking comfort elsewhere- should they both channel their energy into each other rather than outside their relationship- maybe their perfect for each other? Who knows!?! It sounds like they have both given up on each other and should move on... and if you're the 'lucky' guy who's 'next' on the list... proceed with caution...