Card, call, or ignore???

[dikaia880]

Soooo....If you don't know the story look it up under my name...it's long!!!

the short...4 or 5 months together in same town 3 or 4 months long distnace...she broke up with me (has said a lot why, but mainly I think she gave up and got scared as it would have been 2.5 years more Long distance and then marriage(which she talked about mind you)) well now it's been five months, she's given me a lot of mixed signals (I'm not over you, my heart is still with you, yada yada yada, they always end up her still not wanting the relationship) Well last month or so we haven't really talked but I did see her about two weeks ago and it was good light hearted fun (except I was drunk and tried to tell her I was finally okay with the way things are, which I had to send an email to clear up because I don't think it came out right) So anyways...

 

A week from tomorrow is her birthday what should I do send a card, call, email, ignore it??? She'll be on the otherside of the country over her b-day and I doubt she'll have her phone so calling is out, she rarely checked her email during the school year and I doubt she'll check it much now that school is out, so thats sort of out....So I think the real question is this...

Do I send a card or ignore the fact it's her b-day?

If I do send a card what should I say?

 

I was thinking "happy birthday XXX!" XXX being a petname I called her everynow and then that she didn't really like but we kind of joked about it...

 

Any thoughts or suggestions would be great, thanks!!!

[spatzcolumbo]

Hey Dikaia,

 

you know what i think...send the card...and you should say:

 

Hey happy birthday xxx...sorry i know you hate the name, but i couldn't resist!! Have fun

 

from the ever amazing and brilliant DIKAIA

 

ps - please come back to me and also head on over to http://www.enotalone.com and point out to everyone on there exactly why you exes behave the way you do

 

hehehe ok so maybe leave out that last bit, but i think the first bit would be ok...

[SincerlyHurt]

I can only tell you my experience with the B-Day situation. My ex had a b-day on April 25th. She is with someone else now and he was in town that weekend for her B-Day. I waited until the 26th, the day after her B-Day and the day after he went home and sent her 26 red roses (one for each year) and a nice Scooby Doo card with a sincere letter enclosed within. She broke down at work when she got the flowers and read the card. Had I played my cards right and actually stayed around and fought for her we may have still had a chance. The card and the words I expressed in it hit home with her.

 

Back then when I was on here desperately searching for advice alot of people said my letter would be a spill and not to send it. But I knew my situation and the reaction she has to my words very well and so I did what I thought was right and it did its intended job. I have no regrets about any of my actions.

 

Just think about it and do what you know in your heart is right.

[shockeddismayed]

Dikaia,

 

I also had a birthday to deal with about 2 weeks ago (2 months post breakup).

 

I've asked for advice on everthing I've done... but the one piece of overwelming advice was: Unless she has been absolutely HORRID to you, you MUST MUST MUST acknowledge the birthday.

 

I would say that you are likely safest with a nice card. Whether you want to say anything of significance is up to you, but normally simply something to the effect of "thinking of you on your birthday" is most effective. It doesn't profess undying love, but it does give a warm fuzzy.

 

In your case, she is taking you being around for granted (from what I recall) so I wouldn't go much more than that.

 

Mind you.... just for fair warning, with my EX, we'd had a series of "us" talks the week before her Bday. I sent the card with a new CD from a band we both enjoy (that I introduced her to). Our chats had been left at her trying to sort "us" out in her heart/head, and me needing to do what I can to move on. She hasn't contacted me EVEN TO THANK ME for the Bday card and gift.... is she simply waiting until she has *something* else to say? Who knows..... but I've given up on games, so I'm going to call her tomorrow night just to chat. I know she is missing me, so I don't want her to get trapped into NCing me for no good reason... I'm strong enough to hear from her and would like to be kept posted on her progress.

[dikaia880]

Thanks for the replies...

Spatz, thanks again...and I don't think I'll be putting that last part in there!

 

It's hard at this point to know where I stand with her, and it's sort of killing me...

I've put my feelings out there too many times to throw it all out there again, it wouldn't change a thing now if it didn't then...

 

We haven't talked much lately, the last two weeks she was hella busy with work and finals in school, but she's been done since the end of last week and hasn't called...So is she being stubborn (i.e. he has a phone he can call me) Is avoiding calling me because she doesn't want to lead me on (a girl I hardly know, sort of knew my situation and told her not to lead me on, so she might be NCing out of not wanting to confuse me) Or she doesn't really care to talk? I don't know...too many questions in my head...four months ago I would have told you I would either be with her or over her..and now it's neither just stuck in a rut of thinking of her all the time!!!

Hows this for a card....

XpetnamehereX,

Thinking of you on your birthday, hope it's wonderful, talk to you soon!

p.s. sorry about the name, couldn't resist!

Always ~JC (my first and middle initial, which she calls me by)

 

How's that? That'll get her to come running back to me....won't it j/k

 

Hope all is well in your worlds!

[Meow18]

I don't think it really matters what you put in the card. Just don't not do something. She will think you don't care anymore or that you forgot & that could never be good. Just let her know you are thinking abotu her on her birthday & wish her the best. Bascially she will just be happy to get a card from you. It will show her that you still care & are thinking about her.

[spatzcolumbo]

ok, so i THINK we are all agreed, yes send the card, nothing too over the top, but something that will make her think "ahh he still sent me a card, and it makes me feel nice that he did that" but then she stops thinking about it....but all the time it will obviously be in the back of her mind that you still have it in you to send her a card as if there are no hard feelings...

 

i think...

 

good luck, let me know how ur doing if you need to vent or anything else.

 

Cheers

Spatz

[caveat]

call me cold-hearted, but when my ex dropped the bomb on me 3 weeks prior to her birthday and asked me if i would still call her and/or send her a card on her birthday i said i couldn't. i don't think it was fair for her to ask given she had just plucked my heart out of chest and stomped all over it.

 

for me, no contact has been working wonders on helping me move forward and personally i think that if you are avoiding contact to allow time to heal and create distance that you hope will result in her realizing what she has given up, sending her a card could be risky.

 

ask yourself this question: what if you don't get any response after you send the card? will you be okay with that or will the silence be more painful than before?

[DrNick]

I think it shows maturity and strength of character to send a birthday card. The card, however, should mention nothing about your previous relationship. Write it as if you were writing to a not too close friend. Ie. friendly, but not sappy.

[dikaia880]

I must say I am struggling at this point... I miss her terribly and I don't want her to see that really...

Maggie says that it shows her I still care and all that...well if I don't what would that do?

No Contact is proposed for two reasons...to move on and let the ex miss you...no she broke my heart and with the situation soon becoming me being back in her town and my still fully beleiving I can show her why we stayed together when I originally moved away...there were no problems...just long distance and i think she scared herself with all her marriage talk (oh, but it never scared me, did it??? please see sarcasm!) okay whatever...heres my point...by not sending a card, what would she think, that I've moved on? that I don't care? By sending a card I fear I risk this...showing that I still care (she left me, I've told her the last five months how I feel, could she be taking that for granted?) showing her that I still want to be with her (could she not look at it as my ex who won't let go?) That I'mk trying to find anyway I can to make her miss me or remember the feelings?

 

Okay this is no fun...If I don't send a card I'll feel guilty...If I do and don't get a reply well maybe that would tell me she really doesn't care (which, yes would hurt, but it would help me in healing)

 

Could I be in a damned if you do damned if you don't situation here???

[caveat]

my 2 cents:

 

send the card only if you do not have any expectations of getting a positive response.

 

if you know you will be constantly checking email, snail mail, voice mails, etc., anguishing over if/when you will get a response then i don't think you should send it. you are holding on too tightly right now and this is only going to heighten your anxiety.

[spatzcolumbo]

i had my ex' birthday a few months back, slap bang in the middle of 2 months of no contact...i sent a card and a CD, and as soon as she got the package she replied saying how she couldn't believe she had to wait to open it!!! Then i got a message as soon as she woke up on her birthday saying how much it meant to her and how pleased she was.

 

To be honest, its pointless trying to second guess whether or not you'll get a reply.

 

If you get no reply, it will NOT help you move on - it'll just give you that awful feeling for a few days before you get back to where you are at the moment. If you DO get a response, you'll do what any person would do, and try to read into it as much as possible, and ultimately still be in the position you are in now.

 

But i say send it...you do more damage by not sending it - remember, a birthday card is something which can allow you to break the rules of no contact, but it doesn't have to be something which spills your heart out. It just has to be a nice friendly recognition of the day!!

[dikaia880]

So I start searching for the perfect card and the perfect message...

There's also an album (OAR's live double set) that I could copy for her, I'm not sure how that would come accross or if she even has it already...

I'm pretty sure I once told her I'd copy it for her...I could make copies and say "I'm not sure if you have these or not, but I remember I told you I'd make copies for you..."

Put that part in p.s.

Is this a good idea or does it go overboard and make her think that I'm trying to get her back by doing so?

[spatzcolumbo]

up to you...strange really because that is exactly what i did - i knew some music we had been saying we both really liked so i made up a CD of that music, and sent it as a birthday gift...she really loved the CDs...she messaged me completely randomly one day to tell me how great they were!!

 

But its really a judgement call on your part as to whether its going overboard!!

[dikaia880]

i just don't want it to come off as me doing anything toward's 'us'...

 

If I knew it would just come off as a friends thing, great...

I'm not really worried about sending the card, it's a nice gesture to let her know I'm still thinking about her and reinforce that there aren't any hard feelings...but the cd's may be a bit much...

Anyone else have any thoughts on this?

[dikaia880]

Okay finding the right card that says "hi friend, happy birthday

but also says "you love me and will realise it and come back to me" you know subconsiouly, is really hard to find

 

Any one have any more thoughts? Especially on the question of sending the cd's or not...I'm really stuck on this one....HELP!

thanks all!