Confused by her actions... Is she just selfish?

[WhyAmIShy]

OK... first a little background to bring everyone up to speed...

 

I have known my girlfriend for about 8 years now, and we have been dating for the last 2 1/2 months. Back in junior high, when we first met, she asked me out; I turned her down; we still remained friends all through high school and until now. Being friends, I was skeptical about dating her, as ex's have the tendency to become enemies upon breaking up. Oh yeah, she is my first girlfriend.

 

So we come to the decision that we will begin dating, everything is going great. My first kiss; good for me, great for her. My first EVERYTHING, still going good. About a month into the relationship we go away together to Niagara Falls, Canada. A little soon? maybe, but we've known each other for years, and in Canada we are old enough to drink! In Canada, we had made a mutual decision not to "go too far" and no matter how much we wanted to, we held back (although we did just about everything else...). Everything progressing nicely up to our 2 month aniversary when we finally have sex. Even afterwards, no akwardness or anything.

 

End of background... Start of trouble...

 

But now, suddenly, a couple days ago, something changed. I'm not sure what even... She called me one afternoon and we talked for a few minutes, everything normal. She asked me if I wanted to hang out, I said yes. She asked me what I wanted to do, I told her I didn't know. For some reason she wanted to hear anything but that. She says fine, nevermind, I'll talk to you later, and hangs up!!! So the next day rolls on by with no phone call from her, and the next day we have a night class together, so I called her and asked if we were going to get dinner or anything before class. She is very distant, all answers are kept to a minimum. Mostly one word answers. Just yeah, sure, fine, OK, bye. Not knowing I've done anything wrong, we go to dinner, class, Borders, Friendly's, home. She is talking to me all night, but only like a friend, not holding my hand, no kisses, nothing!! When she drops me off at home, I ask about her plans for the next couple days, hoping to secure some time for the two of us. She is busy the next night, but maybe we can hang out the night after that (tonight).

 

I didn't hear from her again yesterday, but didn't think anything of it because I worked until 11 and I knew she was busy anyway. I worked 'till 8 tonight and didn't hear from anyone until around 11 from a mutual friend. She tells me that if I don't start picking up the phone and calling my girlfriend, she will probably dump me. Now this is where it gets confusing (to me, anyway).

 

She will dump me if I don't start calling her, yet she has stopped calling me. Crazy? Only a little... She knows I have a problem with phones. I have always hated them. I can't stand them. We almost didn't go to Canada because she said that I have to make the phone call for the reservations. I just don't like calling people. I never know what to say. I guess I just have trouble handling all the akward silences. Sorry, went off on a tangent... So if this phone issue is such a big deal, why doesn't she talk to me about it. At least tell me "If you don't start calling me, I gonna stop calling you." You don't just stop calling someone and expect them to understand what you're thinking. And she made it sound like we had lost contact for a lifetime, when in fact we had only not talked for 1 day!! It's not like that was the first day in 3 months that we haven't talked to each other. It bothers me that she gets so angry so easily.

 

And she doesn't understand how hard it is for me, I work 36 hours a week + go to school full time + spend as much time as I can with her and get all my homework done.

 

And now I'm almost afraid to call her. I know she's waiting for me to call, but she is just so passive aggressive that I know when I do she will be rude and spitefull towards me like the last time we talked. And she feels (or so I'm told) that this is all my fault and that I should apologize and get her flowers or something. This is at least half her fault for completely cutting off communication with me and not telling me.

 

Is it crazy for me to feel that she doesn't deserve an apology? Does she really deserve flowers for her actions? I don't think I should be rewarding her for punishing me, or herself. Am I crazy? Oh, and I found out that tonight she was at a movie we had already seen together with her ex-boyfriend... I'm not supposed to know that... but that ain't right, am I right?

 

OK, I'm done... not sure if I left anything usefull out... sorry if I put in too much info. that wasn't usefull. Please leave me your thoughts, questions, comments, and advice. And if you honestly think I'm the crazy one, don't hesitate to tell me. Oh, and if you really wanna know, there is more crazy stuff I could've put in, so if you wanna read more craziness, let me know...

 

Thanks in advance, WhyAmIShy

Also, sorry about the length...

[Hannibal]

Well you seem to have quite the situation here. Nothing abnormal from what I've been through or heard of however. It kind of sounds like she is pulling the power struggle bit on you. If you phone her then that makes her feel wanted and all that junk. If she phones you she probably feels infirior to you in some way. Crazy I know but I'm sure if you look deep in yourself its probably part of the reason you're not calling her. Let me tell you this, Sex changes everything in a relationship. No matter what point you are in the relationship somethings change when sex is brought into the picture.

 

Anyways on to my advice on the situation. If you feel that she is worth a fight, then by God put up a fight to keep her. Maybe giving her flowers because you have done something "wrong" is a little extrem, but at least somewhat admit that you were in the wrong by not calling her. Take it from someone who knows, it sucks having to be the one always calling, its really nice to get a call from your special someone from time to time. As for the ex b/f business, question her about it and her feelings for him. Same thing just happened to me and I didn't really call her on it and let her slip away from me into his arms (well not really but its a long story). To sum up, if you really feel like what you have is worth a fight then put up a damn good one to keep what you've got. Pick up the phone and call her and let her know that you still care for her and want to work out what ever problems the relationship is having and listen to what she has to say.

 

Hope that helped somewhat.

[bzborow1]

At this point I wouldn't bring up the ex as it does you no good. Just have confidence and ignore it. The other side is this, what you put a candy on the table and tell a 4 year old, "now don't take that candy" and leave the room...what do they do? Take the candy. Women are the exact same way, if you start to question her, attack her, you're just creating a revenge situation...moreover you're elevating the ex's importance to the world.

 

Maybe I missed some details, but do you EVER call her? If not, I suggest you start. Now you don't have to (nor should you) have hour long sessions on the phone with a woman, but understand that for some reason the phone is this magical invention woman LOVE.

 

What do I think you should do here? I wouldn't apologize to her. Actions speak louder then words. Just call her up to arrange a date, ask her to put on that sexy little thing (i'm sure she's got one) and you'll be by at such-and-such a time to pick her up. It solves your phone problem, no apologies, and it makes for an exciting experience for her.

 

In the long term...I would suggest you follow a 2 phone calls to 1 ratio with her. That is, you call her about once for every 2 times she calls you...that way you keep her in pursuit and keep you woman (and ultimately yourself) satisfied.

 

That's my two cents.

[Silentrose0071]

man, me and the person i'm dating seem to have the same issue escept i'm the one whos mad at him for not calling me, and he doesnt reely like to talk on the phone either. reading this just made me realize what a bitch I am. I don't tell him when i'm angry and I always seem to be mad at him for one thing or another, maybe thats why he doesnt bother to call me anymore. communication in a relationship can be so confusing...my advice is to ask her to tell you when to call her or when somethings bothering her, and to understand how you're busy. My boyfriend also has a job and goes to his classes everyday. I just miss him and want to talk to him alot more but I don't want to sound too clingy by telling him that. I always want him to figure things out on his own. I geuss I pretty much want him to know what i'm thinking and why i'm mad at him all the time. hey...this whole thing was pretty much about me. ha. sry about that. ~Lauren

[mcilcr]

Maybe I am missing something here, but it seems to me she is looking for an excuse to be mad at you. If she is looking for an excuse I can tell you it is because of that ex-boyfriend of hers. She is justifying (in her mind) going out with him because she is "mad" at you.

 

If that is the case, I'd run if I were you.

[OceanEyes]

Only a little... She knows I have a problem with phones. I have always hated them. I can't stand them. We almost didn't go to Canada because she said that I have to make the phone call for the reservations. I just don't like calling people. I never know what to say. I guess I just have trouble handling all the akward silences.

 

Hmmmm. Sounds to me, like if you want to keep this girl in your life and have a decent and loving relationship with her, you're going to have to make the effort. To be honest with you, if I was dating a guy who never called me, despite a 'problem with phones', I would lose interest in a very big hurry. I just need the guy to make that effort in order for me to feel like we're moving forward. I didn't even need to know anything else about the story after I read this part, just because I know how I would react to something like this. Still though, she should probably communicate her concerns to you rather than just making up her mind to be angry and 'punish you'.

 

Sounds like you guys need to have a good heart-to-heart. If she's worth it, you're going to have to start picking up the phone and taking control once in a while. No woman likes to feel like she's always responsible for making plans, dialing you up and making all of the decisions. I wouldn't.