Psychological Problems that keep your ex away

[raider5]

I'm fascinated by psychology, but I don't know a lot about it. WARNING: A lot of the stuff that I say, although researched maybe flat out wrong, but I'm just looking for input really.

 

At the risk of all of us explaining our breakups via psychological problems I ask the following question:

 

IF your ex is having a hard time coming back to you do you think there is any psychological issues that are keeping them from coming back? If so, what are the symptoms?

 

Even better question: Do you feel you suffer from any of these conditions yourself? If so, what do you think the symptoms are?

 

I imagine that many many people here and our ex's suffer from some mild psychological issue.

 

Possible conditions:

Fear of Rejection

Fear of Abandonment

Fear of Commitment

Fear of loss

Dependency

Codependency

Depression

Loneliness

Trust Issues

Shyness

Overemphasized Male Autonomy

etc...

 

 

Questions to ask:

Childhood: How was their relationship with their mother/father? Was there a divorce? Has a parent died? Did they ever have an example of a loving relationship when they were growing up? Are the first born? middle child? last born?

 

Previous relationships: How were their previous relationships? long? short? Did they have many relationships? Were they rejected repeatedly or did they do repeated rejection?

 

Current life situation: Are they accomplishing goals? Do they refuse help?Do they spend a lot of time alone? Are they a social butterfly or very shy?

 

The questions are endless!

 

Please post

1) Conditions

2) Symptoms

3) Questions to ask yourself

[raider5]

Oh yeah please note if anything is researched or just personal opinion.

 

I'll get the ball rolling:

 

Fear of Rejection

 

Symptoms/Questions to ask (researched online):

-Has been rejected in the past.

-Bends over backwards to please the person they fear will reject them

-Adapts the interests of the person they are afraid will reject them so as to lose a personal identity

-Lies to one's self

 

 

I believe my ex MAY suffer from a mild fear of rejection.

 

She was the youngest of three children where a general lack of attention for the youngest might have contributed to a fear of rejection. I'm not sure about the relationship with her father, but her bf (was her ex until late) is much older and she consciously him, but subconsciously doubts this trust. Maybe she didn't have a great relationship with her father and sees that in her bf (this is definitely unconfirmed)

 

When we were dating, she constantly wondered if I missed her when she left (although this is a normal female trait). But what was odd was a utter lack of affection. She would always welcome affection when I initiated. But after the honeymoon phase she was rarely affectionate towards me, she always wanted me to make the first move (hold her hand, kiss her, etc.) This makes me feel as if she was looking for validation.

 

She went back to her ex for the 3rd time. He always was the one who broke up with her(i.e. rejected her). She bends over backwards to please him (bought a cell phone to call him (he didn't), visits him more, calls more, will move to be with him) but he does none of this. She has SOME interests that correspond exactly with his. I'm not saying that she didn't have these interests before, but she has emphasized them since their dating and his subsequent rejection of her. I can count about 5 times when she said one thing ("95% - 100% sure that I will"....) but ends up doing the exact opposite; lying to herself, betraying her subconscious in favor of his acceptance.

[raider5]

Maybe this will help some females, maybe not.

 

Overemphasized Male Autonomy

 

If I suffer from anything this would be this and immaturity.

 

The following was researched:

According to John Grey, M.D. (Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus) male's build identity via accomplishments and women build identity via relationships. Ever wonder why guys watch sports and play on the computer all the time and women talk on the phone and build a nice home?

 

The following was NOT researched:

I believe that there is a point in which male autonomy becomes a problem:

 

symptoms:

-Works alone

-Doesn't ask for help to the point of being detrimental

-Is hypercritical of others' accomplishments

-I was a first born, and my parents were divorced. I had to be the man of the family.

 

So if your a female, and you're wondering why your ex doesn't call you. Well it's hard enough to call someone you broke up with. But why do you think guys don't ask for directions? We don't want to look weak, so if someone suffers from the same condition as I do then it will be harder for them to call you.

[DragonGirl724]

hmmm i dunno if this is wat youre lookin for but ive analyzed my EX alot since the breakup...my ex was always the one breakin up w/ his ex's he never got his heart broken by another girl (tho he told me his heart is breaking b/c he feels he has to break up with me right now)...i guess im just part of the trend...he was controlled a lot by his parents & the second he feels any kind of 'answering to' with his GF's he bails, and despite the fact hes always had long term relationships i think when it comes to marriage he might have a fear of commitment at the time of his life hes at right now.hencing why he needs space to be carefree & wants no one to answer to. hes very social & loves ot be the life of the party hes the youngest one in the family (he has 1 older sister). i think he also fears confrontation, he tends to run away & avoid his problems when he comes face to face with them. before he went away to school he was a mommaboy & had no issues to deal with now he does & he feels he cant handle them. he never was like this until he went away to college. his parents are pissed at the way hes acting now opposed to how he was prior to moving far from home. i think his mom can be overbaring at times & if he senses that AT ALL from his GF's he wants nothin to do with the relationship, he prolly feels suffocated & always has to answer to someone. i also think he has issues with not accomplishing what he wants to...he was happy away at college because he was a starting player on the university football team & was happy & had fun & was in a major he enjoyed doing & was interested in. well the school he was going to didnt follow thru with his scholorship & he couldnt afford to go anymore. now hes goin to a local state university & is in a major he hates & isnt playin football for them (but he might this season). he said as well as his mother said hes not happy with himself right ow & thereforeeee he cant possibly be happy with someone else & if one doesnt love themselves & isnt satisfied w/ themselves they cant love or be satisfied with anyone either...so i think that has a lot to do with this...plus he was unemployed at the time when we broke up so i dont think he was too satisfied w/ his life....he said he wants this time to get his ***T together & its not for dating around...i just hope he doesnt find anyone else in the meantime, id die.

 

 

like i said i dunno if this is what your post was looking for...

 

-DG725

[raider5]

Nope DragonGirl, that's exactly what I'm looking for.

 

What do you think causes and are symptoms of fear of commitment? My gf went back to her ex and believes he had a fear of comittment. I'd like to think that it was just because he was a jerk that he left her not because he had a fear of commitment:

 

Things working for him:

Was in a 5 year relationship that didn't work out

 

Working against him:

-Was in a 5 year relationship

-is in his 30s so why would he still have a fear of commitment

-why would you end a relationship out of a fear of commitment? Doesn't fear of commitment just mean "I'm not getting married". Even if it didn't if you're not making any additional commitments (say you're dating long distance with someone, how could you break up with them and then later blame it on fear of commitment? You're not commiting to anything that you haven't already commited to for a year or so.

 

I guess I would just like it if he didn't have the symptoms of fear of commitment so that he wouldn't have this excuse. But in the end, I would think true love would break through the barriers of fear of commitment. I love my ex, if we were dating again I would marry her in a few years. He shows no sign of this. How you can love someone so much and not want to start your your life with them is beyond me.

[fantasia2004]

 

 

 

 

I DON'T know if my ex had a problem with coming back, but all the issues that you mentioned except maybe. .. male autonomy. I have most of those issues my life as in currently now. I have self esteem issues that have yet to go away which probably caused my ex to leave me anyway.

 

My mother's relationship with me was strained because maybe things never turned out the way she wanted for her. I am an only child. It has been lonely and hard yet it got worse when I became older. I lost total self confidence It is just weird that way. My previous relationships were short before this one which was 2 1/2 years , It means probably very shy a loner now more than ever and I am almost a basket case dealing with the situation.

 

My questions is why do I choose or allow myself to be a doormat and or put my needs before otners?

 

How can I regain self esteem and confidence and maturity whle standing up for myself without really losing my cool?

 

I allowed my ex to walk all over me when i went through trying to please him for acceptance.

 

I would say more but I am really tired right now until next time ask questions if wondering

[Mix Maxster]

Well honestly Raider you've outdone yourself again lol

 

I was hoping to start a thread just like this. I mean really EXACTLY what you said is EXACTLY how I've felt about my ex. I mean I see so much within my family that I can see a trapped person when I see one and my ex is definitely one of those people. I mean really she could be open and talk to me, but she just never expressed her feelings or talked seriously and I think that has to do with her upbringing. I mean in the entire time that I have known my ex, not once and I mean ONCE did I ever see affection coming from her parents. I never saw them hug or kiss or do ANYTHING, it was like roomates living together really. I never saw such detachment. I mean whenever something bugged her mom she would just kind of joke about it when I COULD TELL it was really bugging her, but she had to bite her lip and just take it. I mean what could she do? chances are the husband wouldn't listen or know what to do and so she'd only make it harder by herself by opening up. Now if you're wondering how this ties in with my ex I'll be blunt, never was my ex ever to express herself easily. She even said it herself that she had a really tough time getting feeligns out and talking about what she was thinking. Whenever I messed up and whenever I did stupid crap or did something she didn't like she just told herself that there wasn't anything wrong, that he'll be fine or get better. Kind of like a verbal abuser or physical abuser, where the victim hopes that they'll get better or they just take the abuse because they won't stand up for themselves. Anyway I feel that way about my ex, I'm COMPLETELY honest and open about my feelings and yet she can't tell me when things HURT her. If there's somethin I did or am doing to hurt her she COULDN'T feel like she could talk to me about it and THAT hurt me because I felt I failed her. I mean I dont' konw where it stemmed from, but I'm sure it's from the fact that her parents never expressed their feelings, never expressed concern or worry that they basically had to accept it and just live with it instead of trying to work on it or through it. I mean what does that teach their daughter? That there's no use getting it out because it shouldn't be. Maybe that's far fetched, but I don't think I'm wrong with this one as I only sense that if I couldn't do anythign to help her, no one can and surely this new guy she has WILL NOT and I mean WILL NOT be able to do it himself as I'm sure he hasn't been around closed people before so he cannot see it in her. I don't want to pretend I know what's going on, but to say she didn't feel like S*** when I did the hurtful thigns I did would be a falacy and she would only be fooling herself if she said it didn't bug her.

 

With that said, what the heck does one do? My mom told me I shouldn't be bothered with it, that it's not my place to be responsible and it's not my place to ever interfere with her, but it's not like an alcoholic helps themselves because THEY dont' think they have a problem. Well if they dont' think they have a problem, how will they ever fix it? That's my point and I COULD give up and move on with my life and JUST PLAINLY not care, but what would stop me from doing that to my own flesh and blood? what, just because they're my son or daughter that means I HAVE to? and that because my ex isn't my flesh and blood I thereforeee DO NOT have to put myself through anything because I just don't have to. That she's not my responsibility anymore and I don't have to care because someone else without problems will come around? That may be true, but that's not who I am and doing what I did today, I feel, only will help my ex in the end and as hard as it was on me I think she'll finally SEE it for herself. I also do NOT want to see my ex be a closed up person the rest of her life or she'll never truly be happy. That's my honest opinion and now i want to konw what others think.

[raider5]

Mix,

 

You described the symptoms, but do you know what you might classify it as? Would you call it depression? A bipolar disorder? fear of rejection? Maybe just call it "communication issues" which stem from her childhood and relationship with her parents? I don't know you tell me.

 

I'm no psychologist, but depending on the condition, like the alcoholic example you gave, she may need to hit rock bottom before she heals. How that will happen in her case I don't know. IF she needs to hit rock bottom then you being there may very well put you in the role of an enabler--those that support a particular bad behavior in another. But actually you realize her condition now so you probably wouldn't actively encourage her condition. But you knows, maybe your mere presense and history would encourage this destructive behavior. But her new bf probably will be an enabler for her. He might walk all over her in the same way. I think she'll have to spend time alone, learn to live alone, before she actually tries and fix her problems. But I don't know much of what you can do. You can't really tell her that you think she has these problems. You can't try and fix them.

 

 

If she does come back to you, you better go very slowly. I mean give her enough space for her to realize her problems, and make sure you encourage communication. My ex told me once that she didn't want to cause conflict between us so she often held back the things she wanted to tell me. I ascribe this as another symptom of a fear of rejection. But there's nothing I can do for her now either. If she does come back I have to make sure to encourage positive communication. I don't know Mix, you've got a tough one there.

[fantasia2004]

Well raider I don't know if my post makes sense but funny thingis I am majoring in psychology, and yet this is a great thread you started for people like me. But I am wondering my ex haye the fact that I was in the field he used to complain about me over analyzing to much. Don't you think this kind of thinking can keep us from moving forward or is it to hewlp us get a better understanding of how relationships work? God or Bad?

[raider5]

fantasia2004, I'm glad you're here! We could all use your expertese. Do you know much clinical psychology? I know starting ugrads don't really jump into this stuff right away.

 

You're so right. You mentioned the two problems with this thread:

1) Keeps you from moving on

2) Overanalyzing

 

Let me TRY and defend:

1) People should be alowed to fight for as long as they want. It does become destructive after a point but at the early stages of the breakup the person wants to understand why the breakup occurred to make sure it doesn't happen again. So I can't see how understanding each persons psychology is a bad thing in that respect. And do you really think that analyzing a situation from a different angle would keep you from moving on? We all analyze our situation to death--it's my favorite pastime actually. But just because we have new tools to use doesn't mean we're going to stop moving on. If the person doesn't move on, I would argue that with or without this thread, they're not going to move on. This might hold them back a little, but once they finish this new way of thinking they're back to where they started. I think the reason people don't move on isn't because they keep looking at their situtation from different angles, it's because they keep looking at it from the SAME angles OVER AND OVER again.

2) Frued said that, "sometimes a _____ is just a ______." This is something that we should understand, not everything means something. But I still think the benifits of this excercise outweigh the costs on this one. Say the person does suffer from some condition. If you do overanalyze at least you understand their problem and mabye something about yourself. The latter is the MOST important. Say they don't have any problems and you ascribe something to them that they don't suffer from. Well then you just made a mistake but your not with them anyways. But you should keep checking the evidence as it occurs to see if they really do suffer from any condition. And of course you should never tell them, "honey I think you have a fear of rejection."

 

I know your ex got mad at overanalyzing? But do you think that you shouldn't analyze AT ALL? It must be tough for you, and I wouldn't know how to respond, you would have to ask your fellow students how they deal with a relationships and their knowledge of the human psyche. I'm sure it comes up thousands of times, but I'm sure many of your professors are still married. They would probably know best about how to deal with the tendency to analyze. But I think your ex should understand the difference between analyzing and overanalyzing. I imagine that he just got defensive at what he saw a personal attack. You understand things about him that he doesn't. I'm sure that scared him.

[tere]

 

So if your a female, and you're wondering why your ex doesn't call you. Well it's hard enough to call someone you broke up with. But why do you think guys don't ask for directions? We don't want to look weak, so if someone suffers from the same condition as I do then it will be harder for them to call you.

 

I think the post is great at understanding some points about breaking up. I guess that my case is described by what you wrote about "Overemphasized Male Autonomy", my ex is just that way... in this case how can a girl give enough security or make him feel safe so not to look weak?

[raider5]

tere.

 

Are you with him, or is he your ex?

 

Either way, I seriously recommend reading the book, Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus. Dr. Grey would be much better at describing the steps of getting a man to "come out of his cave" I'm afraid I would just butcher his analysis.

 

I recommend this book to anyone regardless, because it helps build a better relationship, but since I haven't finished it yet and I don't think he talks about broken up relationships, I recommend reading it yourself to see if it applies.

 

It should be at your local library because it's been the definitive text on relationships. But if you can't find it, or you still want me to try and surmise the books points just let me know and I'll try.

 

James

[Dragonlady]

great post: just thought I would add some comments. As a women who is still in counselling and has been going every week for 3 months I have started on the path of self discovery, originally it was my ex's choice to start counselling but he obviously couldn't handle it and when he left me he stopped going whereas I have continued..

 

My ex -fiance broke up with me in March and I was a mess, started blaming my self, cut my wrists (physical pain is easier to deal with than emotional) and all the usual crap. Counselling helped me to not blame myself but to understand what happened in the relationship.

 

1) X couldn't committ, had been married and divorced within 2 years, had a failed serous relationship before he met me, thought I was his soulmate, we got engaged, planned the wedding but as soon as it was within a few months, it got scary and he cancelled. This is because he has an attachment disorder (can't remember the name of it0 which stems from his childhood, the death of his twin in the womb and how his parents treated him.

 

2) As a child he witnessed his father hitting his mother, a lot of our problems within the relationship could be classified as emotional abuse (he never hit me or any physical abuse) but the emotional side stems from the physical abuse of his mother.

 

3) Because of his fear to tackle a problem he would ignore it or pass the blame, this is because it didn't feel safe or was too scare for him to go there.

 

4) As a result of my abuse from previous relationships I loved too much and created my whole world around my X, (partly becuase I moved a long distance to be with him).

 

I was recommended a book by my counsellor could women who loved to much by Robin norwood and it is a very intresting but hard read.

 

 

I could go on forever about this subject and I would say seeing my counsellor and reading the book has helped a lot.

[raider5]

Ah! Dragonlady you have to help me!

 

You mentioned some things that is parallel to my situation.

 

1) What was the main thing that caused your ex's fear of commitment? Was it his childhood or his failed serious relationship?

 

2) This is a tough one: How can you tell the difference between someone who has a fear of commitment and someone who just doesn't love someone and is stringing them along or just wants to be with someone but doesn't love them.

 

3) You created your "world around X" and you "moved to be with [him]" Is this from any resulting condition such as a fear of rejection. (I postulate that my ex suffers from a fear of rejection and she is also creating a world around her bf (was her ex) and moving to be with him too.) I know symptoms of conditions overlap and yours might not exactly be a fear of rejection, but I was wondering if you could tell me more about your "loving too much".

 

4) What's the name of that book again?

[spatzcolumbo]

Good post - interesting but also quite hard to read!!

 

I find the idea of commitment phobia really really interesting. I find the whole psychology of relationships really interesting. I just wish i understood it better.

 

I agree with the opinion that a lot of people ARE scared of commitment, but i have no idea or understanding of why some people have this phobia.

 

I honestly believe that my ex has a problem with commitment. i think she gets scared after about 12-18 months in a relationship. We split after 16 months, and her previous 3 relationships have also ended 12 months in. Her main reason for the split (which i realise is probably a massive excuse) was that she was scared about the seriousness. In her own words "i feel this is too serious for someone my age, and it scares me and i don't want to feel tied down".

 

I think part of it stems from the fact that she wants to feel like she is experiencing everything she can whilst at uni. She does not want to feel held back, and she wants to feel like she is in control. That is very important. i don't think she likes the fact that something was happening to her that she had little control over.

 

Her parents married very young (19-20) and are still happily married. I don't think that their relationship has much bearing on her actions, but maybe it scared her that she might be doing what her parents did - getting married very young and not really having the chance to 'live' before they ended up settling down with kids.

 

I think that more often than not 'fear of commitment' is used as an excuse more than anything. having said that, it is also a pity how many people miss out on great relationships because of this fear.

 

I also believe that my ex has a fear of being alone. I think she Needs to have somebody there for her. Within 2 months of breaking up with me, she was with a new guy, and they are still together (at least they were a month ago when we last spoke). She has told me it is more a 'convenience' relationship more than anything else (this makes me feel worse) and that she is not trying to replace me, and doesn't want to replace me. This merely backs up my feeling that she is not strong enough as an individual to be on her own.

 

I worry about this because sooner or later someone will dump her (she has never been dumped in a serious relationship) and she will find it hard to cope.

[DragonGirl724]

raider,

 

i think my ex is a special case he always had long term relationships longest being 5 yrs right b4 he met me. so in a way maybe fear of commitment isnt the right word..we were 2gether for about 8months. he broke up w/ his ex of 5 yrs for many reasons, 1->she was a B**** & didnt get along w/ his sister & was manipulative & jealous 2-> she wasnt any fun. & 3-> david wanted space to hang out with his boys cuz he had a gf since he was in like 10 grade. hes 21 now & in college so i think he split on me b/c wen he broke up w/ her he wanted to be alone & he saw how much more fun I am opposed to his ex..so he figured hey screw bein single i want this girl!! and he said he couldnt pass up the oppotunity to be with a girl like me, but the desire to be single & worry about no one but himself stayed haunting him no matter how great things were between us. he never had the time to be carefree & chill w/ his boys w/o hurting a gf by canceling plans etc...so i became kinda smothering & he said he has to be single he cant handle this right now...so i guess all i can do is wait til this selfish stage of immaturity time w/ his boys is over...*sigh* he told me post breakup that im all he wants in a girl & would like to have a future together so i guess thats all i have to go by now...i jus hope he keeps his word. NC until then for the most part....

 

waddya think?

 

-DG724

[Mix Maxster]

You know dammit in all of this reading and writing and just plain everything I've been through when looking through these forums I've been able to see a continuing pattern and I believe it has to do with Raider's post here. He has a good point as all I'm seeing is this CONSTANT battle the dumper has or our exes have for that matter.

 

We become the ex because either a PREVIOUS ex comes back or there's a new person. I mean where is the line drawn? Is that something WE have to figure out to once and for all get our exes to TRULY choose? I mean really once you look at it like this, what is preventing me from being the ex described in one of Raiders posts? I just finished reading your latest post raider and what is stopping me from being the ex my ex is thinking about, but doesn't want to go back to because she likes things with the new guy. I mean it's so confusing as I mean what is DIFFERENT for me. What, not necessarily, do I have to do to prove it to my ex that I'm truly the guy she could love to be with forever. I mean it's not a game, but all I'm seeing here is ex's leaving others for an old ex or a new person and then being tied between choosing again. It just seems like a crazy enigma! I mean really what the heck are we to do? lol Should I let off? should I try and contact her when the time and feeling is right? Should I save up for an engagement ring so my ex REALLY sees that I love her in the end and did use the time effectively by being able to show that to her.

 

That's the problem I'm trying ot figure out, that our exes do have a problem with committing because THEY don't want to make the wrong choice or make a mistake they're going to regret. It's like when you have a multiple choice question you're unsure of the answer, to give a) only to say afterwards c) but it's too late. I mean it's that level of uncertainty that I feel my ex is going through that is making it that much harder for her to figure out who her "soul mate" is. I mean really there's no one person FOR us, but WE MAKE THE CHOICE to keep just one person to ourselves to make our lives happy and complete. We are perfectly capable of being independent and by ourselves, but we are also humans and we are made to procriate and have families so that they can do the same. I mean we have the feeling called love, it's given to us and it's meant to be shared with someone else. So where it's true that we are fine by ourselves, there will always be something missing without that someoen else to share it with. SO that's why once again I try to figure out the difference between me and this new guy and what makes it so damn sure htat if my ex comes back say, that i'm not going to be dumped again. I mean what has to be different? what do I do to help my ex? to me it sounds like she is lost and is trying to find something she's not even sure she's looking for. It's so complex and maybe I'm going too much into it, but I still think Raider has a good valid point in all of this with the fact that our exes may have a fear of commitment or what have you, based on the past or on a pyschological problem or something. I mean really that level of uncertainty was enough to have her leave, what can I do to make me the ex that stays for good instead of the ex that gets tossed around like so many other exes I hear about. I mean where in the end am I the guy that she finally chooses to live her life with out of all the guys out there. That's the point I want to understand and hopefully be able to make a good valid conclusion so I know what I have to do. (i.e. - pursuing her and not giving up. or trying to be able to help her figure herself out.) I dunno it's all complicated, but I hope people can see what I'm trying to get out of all of it.

[DaisyB]

Funny. . . I guess we all have psychological "problems" to some extent. I was surprised this weekend to talk to my brother's girlfriend and find out she thought he had a fear of commitment. I thought, "No, he doesn't. . . he just wants to take things slowly and do it right." I know my brother well, and I know he takes his time with things, especially relationships. It doesn't mean he doesn't care. . . it actually means that he cares very much. He's worried that taking things fast could mess it up, so he's going to proceed slowly and carefully. He's always been like that.

 

So I'd never seen things from his girlfriend's point of view before. . . but as she talked, I could understand where she was coming from. I still don't think my brother has a fear of commitment, but I do think he wants to take things slower than she does, which is incredibly frustrating for her. I tried to explain that that's just the way my brother is -- but that was hard for her to deal with.

 

I think it's so tempting for us to put a label on people ("He's a commitment-phobe," "She's afraid of rejection") because it makes it easier to handle their behavior. But I worry that those labels prevent us from seeing the complexity of human behavior, and from seeing things from other points of view.

[DrNick]

This is a great topic, because I think it gets to the heart of relationships. Most relationships end badly because people are incompatible or they have certain issues which make them say and do inappropriate things. My last r'ship was a perfect example. I had been going out for six years with a girl. She finally broke it off, because I wasn't ready to commit. I went into a rebound relationship within a month (big mistake). The girl I started going out with was very needy, and also had other problems in her life. She clung to me like a life raft, and while it was flattering in the first couple of months, I started to get worried as time went on. She started to make bigger and bigger demands on my time, to the point where she would get actively upset if I didn't spend 24/7 with her. Then she'd go through phases of pretending not to care, like not returning my calls, or ignoring me. If I ignored her, then she'd get clingy again. It was obviously not a healthy relationship, and I ended it. At first she was reasonable, in that we stayed friends and talked on and off. Then she turned nasty and started to ignore me and bad mouth me to other people. I tried to approach her to talk about it, but she refused to speak to me. In the end she said some very nasty things, and I decided to cut off all communication with her. I realise that the blame should be shared. I should not have gone into a rebound relationship so quickly. She needs to realise that relationships are about give and take. At heart she is a very lonely and insecure person, and she hides behind a mask of arrogance and indifference. I feel a little sorry for her, because she's setting herself up for disappointment time after time. I also realise that I need to work on this "commitment" thing. Hopefully, despite the bad words exchanged, we've both learnt something about our own faults.

[tere]

Raider,

The guy I told you about is my ex. I started reading "men are from mars and women from venus" as you recommended, and as far as I've read there are many identifiable behaviour regarding men and women. I mean it has opened the perspective about understanding our partners, about men getting on the cave and how to gradually they get out. I'm still in the part of handling conflicts. But I have to say it was a great recommendation. Thank you.

[Dragonlady]

Raider

 

To define if someone is either a committment phobic or just string you alone is hard because I dont know the details but here are some thought from my counselling session and the book that I have read called Women who love too much.

 

By loving someone too much and creating your whole world around them you are opening youself up basically to a lot of pain. People who do this usually come from a background of abuse (physical / alcoholic etc) whilst my wasn't a result from my family it stemed from my first relationship when I was 16. I was engaged to a guy who kicked the crap out of me for 4 years, although I wanted to leave he was so controlling it took a long time. This in term left it's scars on me that I didn't realise until recently. I was drawn to my recent X who I still love to the end of time because he showed me a world full of love and trust, he took care of me and made me feel good and it continued like this for 2 years of which I have some very happy memories but as soon as the wedding approached he began to shut me out emoitionally & physically. As a result of his past marriage (and he has a daughter from this relationship) he is afraid to commit whether he realises it or not, also from a child we are taught about relatiioships but can only put this into context of what we witnessed, so for my X to see the physical abuse in his parents has distorted his view on relationships.

 

I cannot be nasty about my X because I am coming to understand why he has acted in the way he has including the cruel and harsh way that he ended the relationship (this is so that if he does have second thought he would reason that my his actions I would not want him - I would but on my terms). The sad thing is that if he had carried on with the counselling it wouldn't of took long to sort him out whereas my problems will take alot longer because they have affected so many different spere's in my life.

 

If you want to post some details on your situation regarding committment phobia I will try and help but please remember Im not a trained professional just someone who is on the path to discovery throught my counselling (if I don't I will make the same mistakes because it is a cycle).

 

Also if you want to know more about my situation please use the link because it might make things more understandable (and I would appreciate any advice) because at the moment I find this so hard I just want my X to put his arms round me and tell me that his sorry, we could make it work and to appreciate the love that I have for him. Every day is a struggle, I keep myself busy with work and the gym but I miss him so much it hurts!

 

link removed

 

Thanks dragon Lady