So your other half needs space???? i hope this will help you

[DopeStar]

A very long post!!

 

Ok, so you significant other needs, seems or acts like they need some space. What do you do you ask. Give it to them, that's it, its that easy. Well it's not easy to do but it is easy to remember. Remember they wanted it and as a caring, loving person you should respect that. The respect you show them by doing this will help their opinion of you. They will see that you are giving them what they need and want and they will start to think about you differently.

 

Now I know that it stinks, I've been there, I know, but its what needs to happen. Obviously there is something in the relationship that isn't working at the moment, and unfortunately the problem is probably you, well their problem is you. I know its sounds harsh but seriously, they have been with you for X amount of time and things were good and something changed. Now its not you fault completely, comfort levels with other people begin to increase and both parties start to get too comfortable with each other and let things happen that they really didn't want to happen (IE: sitting on the couch watching TV and not hanging out with friends and family). All of a sudden one person recognizes this, bugs out and starts to do things to get out of the situation, bad things start to happen at this point. Things probably changed slowly, may not have even noticed it at first, then one day you wake up and realized that your other is not who they use to be. So you start to become needy, trying to get them back into the cycle you knew before and you were comfortable with. This is not good and the point where things get really bad.

 

At this point ask yourself, how bad is it? Is it worth holding onto? Do they deserve to be with you after treating you this way? Why are you fighting for something that seems to be dying?

 

If you want to maintain the relationship then maybe what I continue on about will help you. If you want to end then do it there is no need to stay somewhere you don't want to be.

 

So now your other thinks your needy and they start to pull back even further because you keep trying pull them back in. DON'T DO THIS. That will only make things harder on you.

 

Ok, when you first start to notice this happening you need to take a step back yourself. Look at yourself and see what's going on around you, don't jump to conclusion just yet and remember DO NOT bug out. I know at this point all you want to do is talk to them and fix things verbally, I really don't see this working, for some it might, I guess it depends on the maturity level but if the other person was mature enough for this though they would have come to you in the first place instead of just pulling away without warning.

 

So relax things probably aren't as bad as they seem, you just don't have any information about what's going on so you feel left out, your hurt, your sad, you may even reach the point of tears (don't do this if you can). Crying to them and preaching your love for them is only going to push them another step back and if you do it frequently enough they may start to run. You don't want that I'm sure, well maybe you do and you just don't know it yet. I mean has the relationship really been everything you wanted, you say yes now but are you sure???? This is why you need to take a step back for yourself, you need to assess the situation and start making some calls that are for you, not them, they don't want you around right now anyway so the hell with them, make it about you for a change. I know, I know, how do I do that? Well depending on how bad your situation got there are different things you'll need to do. The worst I've ever been, I was completely in love with this girl, who I thought was a great girl, but I let myself fall for her little game of wanting me around all the time, so I gave that too her, I had no friends and my family and I didn't really talk to much anymore, it was bad. I had nothing but her in a place I didn't want to be. Anyway you have to stop, stop calling them at work to say hi, stopping going out of your way for them, don't ask them nicely if they can grab you a pack of smokes on their way home from work, tell them to grab you a pack, be a little rude about it. Don't call them to find out when they will be home, don't call them to tell them when you'll be home, at this point they don't deserve anything from you. Are they giving you anything, do you feel respected by them? Probably not. So don't give them what they won't give back to you. This is not easy to do; actually it will be the hardest thing you have ever had to do. Just remember they aren't respecting you, get a little upset about it, feed off that resentment you now have towards them, that's how they got this way. Your allowed to be angry at them for what they are doing but if you want to keep them around you cant tell them.

 

Words at this point will do you no good, they are tired of hearing you, so whatever you say, will NOT be heard. Now you have to show them what you want and how you feel. And your angry now so make sure they can sense that but don't ever get angry at them, even if they do something they deserve to be yelled at for (well there a few things that you can get mad about, cheating is one and probably the only one at this point). Just shrug it off, act as if you don't care, remember they don't care so why should you. Try not answering the phone when they call, its pretty liberating. Let them call you but don't always be available. Don't wait to see what there doing to make your plans, there is a good chance that they already have plans and YOU are probably not included. Use this against them, they are expecting you want to hang out with them and/or get upset about them going out, again, so they will call you and tell you they are going out, tell them to have fun and nothing else, do not ask where they are going, who they are with, what they are doing, act as if you don't care, just tell them to have fun and you will see them later, it will drive them crazy. If you are going too and IF they ask what you have going on tell them your going out and not much else, if they ask for more detail (and they will in time start to dig for more) be vague (IE: me and the guys are going to shoot pool) but DON'T OFFER any info to them they don't deserve that respect right. SHOW them how it feels, leave them in the dark for a bit.

 

The whole point to this is that you need to take control and you can't do that living your life for them. So take control of the situation, they think they are in control and that's why they don't feel bad about what's going, their friends keep telling them that they are right and making them feel better about this. But if you take away the things that they are feeding off of, then they will starve to death.

 

Even if the whole thing doesn't work out, you at least have begun to rebuild your life with out them, this way you will not get massacred if the goes down.

 

Just remember you were not born to serve that person and they weren't born to serve you, a relationship is a two way street but when one person is using both lanes to go one way its time to take your lane back and get things moving in your direction too.

 

I like this post I think it's a fitting end to mine, check it out, we all have Spee to thank for this one.

link removed

 

Comments? Questions? Argument? Let me know. I wrote this to help others and myself and if something is wrong or if this really helped you, I would like to know. These are just from my experiences and may not work for you, but it has seemed to work for me.

[strong1]

I needed a little kick in the booty today..and this is just the ticket. Esp. since I am entering the 'anger' stage..but waving a bit. My two favorite lines of yours are:

 

"The whole point to this is that you need to take control and you can't do that living your life for them. So take control of the situation, they think they are in control and that's why they don't feel bad about what's going, their friends keep telling them that they are right and making them feel better about this. But if you take away the things that they are feeding off of, then they will starve to death."

 

"Just remember you were not born to serve that person and they weren't born to serve you, a relationship is a two way street but when one person is using both lanes to go one way its time to take your lane back and get things moving in your direction too."

 

Not to mention your W. Churchill quote in your sig line. I'm taking back the steering wheel! LOOK OUT WORLD! : )

 

Congrats on a great post.

[lisaria]

I wish I had found this site three months ago. God! Things would be so much different now. You have lots of wisdom in that post Dopestar. Well done!

[mtastic]

great post, wish somebody told me that about a month ago

[DragonGirl724]

your words are so much appreciated. i wish i knew about this syte 3months ago as well. . . i found it after a month (the first month i cried alot & i tried to convince him to be mine again) yea Fd up bigtime there... everything u said makes sense and its EXACTLY what happened to me too...where do i go from here to get him back? ive been cutting off instant messenger convos sayin 'well i got to go now im headin out tonight' or sumthin along those lines, keepin it vague so he has sumthing to ponder over if he even wants to...probably doesnt right now. i always let him IM me first & he does, but i see him online less & less now-a-days... is NC still the way to go? i miss him so much i feel sumthing with him i never felt before i can see us together & we are both what eachother alwaysss desired for. his friends are jealous of him b/c they all wanted me at one point & were actually envious my ex had a "cool GF" unlike theirs or what theyre settling for. and i think the fact that were both so strongly phsycially attracted to eachother helps alot he said he cant believe he got a girl like me...etc & i feel the same about him. you make a lot of sense in what u say could you please give me sum pointers im startin to feel hopeless/helpless & possibly considering counseling which is sooo out of character for me. he said he needs space & hes confused about things in his life & cant worry about a GF. hes surprised i dont hate him yet he said all his exs hate him, i told him its an unconditional love that i cant explain. we never talk on the phone & we havent since about April 9th. i hang out w/ friends & i "distract myself" w/ my artwork & i want to learn an instrument, and i always meet guys at my job (I bartend). so i have distractions but my heart is missing. he always told me when we started goin out that what he loved most about me was "how good i look", & how independent i am & how much of my own life i have...last time we talked i told him im goin out havin fun chillin w/ peeps im meeting etc. hinting at him i have a life again. i know i bacame 'needy' at the end of our relationship. he told me that i was but i didnt see it b/c i acted the same as i always have but he wasnt feelin the same he was comin off as distant making me appear more needy...& i asked him about it & he denied it but his mom told me hes been thinkin it over & has been confused on whether or not to break up with me...he told me hes scared of losing a great girl thats so unique but he has to in order to feel he got the space he needed since he had a gf since he was 16 yrs old (hes 21 now)...ugh im so confused i would give anything to know what hes thinking!!!!!! what do i do from here o wise one??

 

thanks a bunch load.

-DG724

[Caldus]

Even if the whole thing doesn't work out with them, you at least have begun to rebuild your life with out them, this way you will not get massacred if the goes down.

 

This is absolutely perfect. Even though I've never been in a relationship, that is just excellent advice right there. I think one of the main 'themes' you are trying to present here is that you have your own life as well. Life isn't just about relationships (although for some people it can be!). I will keep this information in mind for the future.

 

That post was well-presented. Great job!

[lonelyangel912]

Ur post was exactly what i needed to hear at this point in my life. I have been struggling with trying to be "just a friend" with my ex now for 4 weeks and it has been hell!!! I have lost all my self respect and forgot what it felt like to be happy. Ur post showed me that i don't deserve this type of treatment and that in order to seek any type of happiness, I would have to not let someone walk all over me and get away with it just because i would do anything to have them back. Thanks for the enlightenment, god bless.... [/u][/i][/b]

[DopeStar]

OMG i cant belieive it, first off, I would like to thank my mom, god, my keyboard, the mouse and the monitor, without them this could not have been possible..(blow kiss, wave, blow kiss, wave, take over boosted pride and walk off stage)

 

Anyway

 

I would like to thank all of you for kind words about my post. I am glad that it has helped you. I hope it will continue to help you.

 

First of all though this topic was written to help those still in relationships who are having space issues. I am just shocked at how many of you have already split and are finding the topic useful, i had no idea that it would be so versital. I wrote this because i am currently dealing with a space issue between me and my GF and these tactics seem to be helping me win. she is coming back to me, shes starting to "need" me more now. you know, the extra little attention we all deserve in a realationship, not the crap that drove them away.

 

ok Dragongirl,

I hate to say it but i think you should seriously start to move on. i know you dont want to but 3 months and your still that upset about it. I know you say your going out and having a good time but how much ar eyou actually going out? once twice a week? you need to go out and have fun everyday till way late at night, for example i went out so much one week that when friday came around i passed out before i got a chance to leave the house that day and blew off all my plans that night(because i was a asleep, not upset). you need to distract yourself, if physical and mental exhaustion are the only way to do then do it its not going ot kill you to be a little tired and besides people notice when your tired and they ask you about it and when you tell them why, you will look like a fun and exciting person. youve got a killer job to help you get over this also. YOU WORK AT A BAR AS A BARTENDER, you cant get any better then that. im sure you can slip your self a drink here and there through out the night to loosen up a bit and there are a ton of people just looking to talk to someone and you get to talk to everyone, do some shots with your customers(if you can) im sure soem guy out there has offered you that chance before, you work at a nonstop party, have some fun there. and seriously if he is still unsure of what he wants do you really want to be with someon so indecisive someone that easily confused. also youve done a lot of fighting to get him back im sure, do you think its worth your time and effort, you guys have distance between you too right? you need to move on stop talking ot him all tegether or youll never get over him. Look if you want to talk you can PM me ill help you in anyway i can.

 

Strong1

Thank you for quoting me, Im glad that those two staments meant something to you.

 

Caldus

that is one of my favorite parts too. Its the most important part i feel. and you are right, your life should not be about a relationship, they are nice, but should never consume everything about you. a friend of mine from work gave me some advice i believe is good advice the other day. he said "never give more then 80% of yourself to someone, you need that other 20% so you dont lose yourself"

 

Lonelyangel

Go out and live for yourself its the only way youll turly be happy

 

Mtastic

Its only been a month im guessing the pain will stop soon as long as you dont linger on it

 

Lisaria

me too my friend, me too.......

[fantasia2004]

I stumbled on this post from another one and I want to know although your points are very good and useful even though I did the no no's calling, begging, pleading. I wonder will he ever come back eventually despite the mistakes and finally giving him the space after trying for 5-6 months?

 

He refused , rejected and called me on my b-day despite telling me to get a life, & move on. Should I let him call me and wait ? But I have already told him not to call me unless he wants a real friend in his life?

 

Will I get the satisfaction of him thinking damn I am making a mistake?

 

He is currently dating someonesince we broke up. dated her the minute we broke up.

 

 

Okay what to do if you run into your ex and their new flame what not to say and do ?

 

FANTASIA

 

thanks

[DopeStar]

he is probly not coming back Fantasia, IM sorry but that is probly the case. He may care for you but by now he is probly tired of you. Move on, you need to, after 5-6 months of being talked down too you deserve better. if you see him in public ignore him if he comes over to you be friendly but short and vague. Try to look happy, if you can't do that i would get out of there before you do have to talk to him. I am sure that this is tough for you, you seem to be very invested with this guy but you need to jsut start moving on. It really is the only way your going to feel better and its the only thing that is going to get his attention. and the fact that he is and has been dating someone else since the minute you split, that would tell me that he may have even sheated on you towards the end. Doesn't that make you want to get away from him. try to figure out things like the anger will help you distance yourself from him.

[beach2112]

Good stuff, I wish I found this site two months ago

[fantasia2004]

I had to read this post over to get it together . Boy was I stupid thanks again dope star!!

[DopeStar]

unfortunately this has not worked out for me but it turned out my GF was cheating on me, so i left her and you know what ive only cryed 3 time since yesterday morning and the last two time were only for a minute, if i hadnt followed this i think i would have been much worse off. I still stand behind this even though it has turned into a failure for me(since she didnt come back, well actually she was starting to come back, but she was cheating so i kicked her to the curb) but i dont think it was my fault shes the one that wanted to play outside the rules. I will continue to follow this path not only with GFs taht want space but GFs in general. i ahve spoken to alot of people int he last few weeks and i find that the general idea of what i have written is applicable to almost any situation with you Other. it seems that noone wants to be fawned over so i will treat them like they dont think they want to be treated, even though it really is what they want, atleast at my age this is how the game seems to be played. I wish everyon the best of luck and i jsut wanted you all to know that i still stand by this theory and i have no reason to believe it will not work in the future.

 

good luck to everyone, all things cannot be that bad, so you just turn your head look somewhere else.

[bzborow1]

Yes Dopestar your post is awesome. I will award you Bill's Pulitzer for your efforts. I think most everyone who's been screwed over in situations similar to the ones posted on this topic will end up with the wisdom Dopestar portrays. If I had to do my past over again, if someone tried that stuff on me I think the best thing you could tell them is "ok...see ya around...was a decent time though."

 

Relationships work like an elastic. in order to keep the relationship going there needs to be a certain tension on both ends otherwise it falls off. The tension I'm referring to is the individuality and self control between the two parties. If one person pulls more, you have to pull the opposite way otherwise it eventually will fall off.

[Oorg]

I think the key thing we have to remember...is... that sometimes "WE" cannot help reacting to things a certain way - it is in our "nature".

 

Now...look at it from your partner's point of view... they may be facing issues that they best handle by distancing themselves from us - it is in their nature given the circumstances - so, if you really know/love them then try to give them the benefit of the doubt - they may not be able to help being the way they are...

 

So, with that in mind... patience is the most important thing... We all have our limits, and, sometimes space doesn't solve anything - but - when they see us pressing the issue over and over (just like it was mentioned in that amazing first post) - it'll just push them even further away from us.

 

I posted on here last week wondering if my partner is narcissistic...but..now after reading some things about bipolar II disorder (manic depressive) - she only gets that way when depressed and repelling against everything because she hates being in that state and hates being reminded of problems when she's like that... She's never been diagnosed, but it's scary when she has about 90% of the symptoms.. Not an easy topic to discuss... but.. her friend's suicide in late April triggered it... prior to that things were fine... now it is either hell on earth for her one day or triumphant joy the next (like yesterday never happened).

[AllTornUp]

I am currently giving my wife space. She stayed at friends' houses the last two nights. I am going on a camping/canoe trip today (Friday) thru Sunday. She came home this morning so that I could go to work (the kids were still sleeping). She's being nice to me and it scares me. She told me this morning that she and the kids were going to her mother's on Monday (3 hr drive). Anyhow, I'm very scared right now. I don't know what it means that she's being so nice and still doing everything to stay away from me... I am so afraid that she might go file for divorce today and have me served while she's out of town next week. Does anyone have any thoughts for me? Thank you.

[Beec]

I think the fist question is why do you think she wants a divorce? What is wrong with the relationship? Some time apart to figure out how to fix it might not be bad.

[AllTornUp]

Before we got married, she cheated on me. In the 8 years since that, I haven't been able to trust her. Whenever she goes out to clubs or bars with her friends, I get all paranoid. Whenever she does things that I don't like, I'll kind of blow up--not violent, though. Anyhow, I'll have these blowups every few months. Last time I had a blow up, I sought counseling. I thought it sucked and didn't go back. This time, I went to another counselor and I think he's great and can help me. My wife doesn't think I can change. She told me that she has nothing left and that it can't possibly work. She looks terrible and says she can't sleep very good. I'm the same way. I have lost 7 pounds in the last 4 days. I think the best I can hope for is that she takes enough time to maybe see a change in me from counseling. Like I said, it is just scaring me that she's being so nice to me even though she's all torn up about this mess, too.

[Beec]

You would be a fool to try and convince her that she should not file for divorce through any argument.

 

You need to demonstrate that you can change. How? No idea. Her cheating 8 years ago should have been long ago resolved by either ending the relationship or her showing she can be trusted and you trusting.

 

If I had a move I could think of, I would try to be the guy who slept elsewhere. I'd leave a big fat note how you are going to try to make arrangements to sleep elsewhere after she gets back. You know things need to change, and you need to think about how that is going to happen. Kind of a pre-emptive move. If she has her lawyer filing, then you probably cannot stop service. Would it work, no idea, but hanging on by your fingernails won't work either.

[AllTornUp]

I can try that. Do you think it would be best to make those arrangements now rather than later? What I mean is that we're currently covered thru at least mid next week (I'm not really sure how long she plans on staying at her mom's). Should I call her today and ask her when she was planning on coming back from her mom's so that I could stay someplace else for awhile? We could tell the kids I had to go somewhere for work/training, etc. Or should I wait and see what happens?

[Beec]

If you think she is ready to serve you, then tell her now. If you wait for her to serve you or until after the arrangements have been made it will be too late.

 

I'm not sure this is the right move, but if you think she is getting ready to file for divorce, what else can you do. Begging and pleading won't do it.

 

Simple note, use your own words, indicate love and remorse and regret and respect for he:

 

Honey,

 

I know we both cannot stand our current problems. I cannot sleep, cannot eat, have been losing weight and see the same things in you. I cannot stand the thought of what is happening to us and know that things need to change. I'd like to make arrangements for me to stay somewhere else for a while to see if a little separation can help us work on the things we need to. I'm not ready to give up on us. I want you to be my wife and I want to spend my life with my kids always being around me. But, I also don't like the thought of you coming and going each night. I don't want our kids to be separated from their mother every night. I'm trying to think of what to tell them and cannot bear the idea that we may have to tell them anything. I hope we can work this out. I know I have a lot of work to do on myself. Please let me know what your thoughts are early next week.

 

Love always,

 

AllTornUp

[AllTornUp]

You are good! That letter is perfect! I think I might have to email it to her and have her check her email, though. Would that be the wrong way to go?

[Beec]

If you have to email, then you have to email.

 

But, I'll admit to preferring the hand-written note. Maybe a card with the note would do.

 

You also need to consider one mroe thing, will she think you are a coward for not telling her this to her face. Not sure, but that's your call.

[AllTornUp]

I don't know if she's planning on taking any drastic steps like that. I just know she's being very nice to me and is avoiding me at the same time. It is just scaring me. I hope that it's just my paranoia, but I just don't know.

[Beec]

Well, I am not about to read her mind. You in the best postion to do that.

 

My last comment was toward if you are going to do anything like this, you need to think not only about how you say it in words, but also your medium. You can figure out how she will take it more than anyone else can. Do you need to tell her face to face, in a note, an email, etc.

 

Her sleeping elsewhere is a bad sign. You need to fix somethings, and so might she. But I think she would want to see that you are serious and love and care for her and your kids.