Possibility of having to meet ex's new girlfriend tomorrow night

[rapunzel]

We have a show tomorrow night and as far as I know, ex is still dating this new woman...which of course, is totally within his rights. He's living his life and other than us being in a band together, his life does not include me. I am still single, and really don't have any prospects at the moment. Oh well.

 

The venue is a small rather cozy bar/restaurant and there's no way I'll be able to avoid seeing her if she is there. I may be able to avoid talking to him/her but what if it turns out that they are standing next to me and I am introduced?

 

My plan is to just be as nonchalant as possible, smile and just say "nice to meet you" and not engage in any conversation, hopefully I'll be able to excuse myself. Of course I know nothing about their relationship and/or if she knows about me.

 

I'm also preparing for watching his public displays of affection, and based on the past, I can be prepared for anything: kissing, hugging, touching.

 

Has anyone been in this situation and how were you able to deal with it?

[jettison]

Yep, been there. I texted her to see if she was going to an event where I'd be. Didn't know she'd be there with her new BF. We hung out for about an hour together, just talking and chatting... Then she announces... "See that guy over there.... We're kind of seeing each other." Felt like someone kicked me in the stomach. But it's nothing compared to the kick I felt when he came up to say "hi", she kissed him on the lips and put her arm around him, and then she introduced him to me. Ouch.

 

So yeah, wouldn't really want to go through with something like that again. It wasn't fun. I "handled it", but I was a mess for days after. Couldn't sleep at all that night. It made me realize just how much I wasn't over my ex at the time. I've seen them together since, and it's never something I look forward to.

 

Sitting at a dinner together? I honestly don't think I'd be able to manage an entire meal. For starters, I wouldn't have an appetite. My ex is going to marry this man, btw. I remember when she used to tell me she was going to move out of state, and part of me wished against that. Now, all of me wishes for it.

[rapunzel]

Hmmm...not encouraging.

 

But you haven't had a year of regular contact with your ex and I have. Not that it has made life much easier.

 

We won't be sitting at a table together, as I will be on stage and then in the back room...which is tiny and he even entertained the thought of bringing her into that room, well, I can't even go there in my mind.

 

I can avoid her completely if I want but I don't want it to look obvious, like I can't bear seeing them together. Don't want to give him that kind of satisfaction. Not that it matters.

 

Then again, maybe she won't be there...the venue is a good 40 minute drive from the city she and I both reside in, and hopefully he'll think better of bringing her as it is SUCH a small intimate place. But there I go again, giving him too much credit.

[jettison]

On he plus side, it's like dipping your toes in cold, cold water. It's shocking and hard to bare at first, but eventually you tolerate, then you get used to it, then you don't mind it, then you could care less. Eventually, if you let the process take its course, you really will care less. And truly, this is a quicker way to get over someone. You may even find that, at some point, you're able to befriend the girlfriend. That kind of stuff happens all the time even if it seems kind of unfathomable at the moment.

[Clabs]

Hi Rap

 

I have tried to butt out of your more recent threads because you seem to have lost a paddle somewhere along the way and are going round in circles - not picking on you hun - sometimes we just have to find out in our own time some times.

 

I have mentioned to you before how I dealt with situations like this (NC definitely impossible because children involved). It did hurt like hell the first few times but I used this to kick my arse into reality - we were no longer together in a romantic way. So fake it till you make it and till it doesn't bother you so much any more.

 

But that is on the premise that you begin to be realistic about your situation and don't carry on clinging to what is no more.

 

I dunno hun - you just don't seem to be able to shake these feelings off. I am not inside your head so I dunno what you think could still happen in the future with the jerk and quite why someone who treated you pretty crappily could still remain such a priority in your life.

 

Go and be YOU and put your shoulders back and your head up. Say high and be pleasant if you are introduced. And that's it!

 

I know you too well tho and I know that if this comes about, you will be a total mess for the next few days. Because you won't accept that the jerk is just that - a JERK.

 

Of course, she may not even be there, and even if she is, you don't really don't know what the jerk's new relationship is like. He will likely hop onto someone else as soon as he is bored!

 

You don't have any prospects now and I am sorry to say that you won't have any prospects so long as you are totally and utterly hung up on the jerk - you will drive anyone else away.

 

I so wish you were in my country because I want to hound you and kick your cute ass to WAKE up! Keep doing the same thing and you will stay in this funk forever.

 

Dunno - just want to help and hate to see you waste erm - how much time is it now, of what could be a beatiful life.

 

Mark

[browneyedgirl36]

I've been in this situation too, and I "handled" it technically, but looking back, I know I didn't handle it as well as I could have.

 

In my situation (not with recent ex but another guy I dated about ten years ago), I showed up to an event that I knew he was invited to as well -- it was cocktails, dinner, and then a group jaunt to the movies afterward. When I showed up to the cocktails, there he was, and he was with someone else, though at first I couldn't tell if he was "with" her. I asked him if I could chat with him after the event because I had a Christmas gift for him (why, oh WHY do these things always happen around the holidays?) and he hesitated before saying, "Uh...sure." Next thing I know, he's draped all over this other woman, rubbing her back and kissing her on the cheek. That was his way of telling me that he was with her. UGH! It was awful. I already knew the woman, so there was no need for introductions. She was someone I rarely spoke to, and quite frankly, I didn't like her even before she ended up with him, so it wasn't like there was any pressure to be friendly with her.

 

I was a HUGE martyr back then -- I think I really enjoyed suffering or something -- because I stuck around for the dinner after the cocktails, too. How I handled it was that I didn't speak one word to him, didn't even look in his direction. I held it together, but I was miserable, and he was VERY uncomfortable. He barely touched his dinner (this was a guy who was VERY into food and was like a human vacuum when he ate, normally) and out of the corner of my eye, I could see that he was looking at me throughout the evening. He and his woman even got into an argument that night, apparently; she asked him what was wrong -- why he was acting so "weird" -- and they started to bicker at the table. Ooops!

 

After dinner was over, I had had enough. I passed my money down to one of the other people I knew and said that I was sorry, I had to leave. I then walked out, and on my way to my car, tossed my movie ticket into the garbage. I am pretty sure that he saw me do that.

 

I have to say that was one of the worst nights of my life, dating-relationship wise. I have never felt so low. No one else really knew how badly I was hurting, but I know HE did, and that was enough for me. I promised myself I would no longer put myself in those kinds of situations, and I haven't. Last summer, my boss invited all of the faculty to his house for a party, and even though I wasn't sure if my ex would show up, I didn't go becuase I was afraid he'd bring his girlfriend, and there was NO way I was going to act all friendly with them and put myself through all of that. I remembered my previous experience, and I told myself that no matter what, I wasn't going to put myself through that again.

 

Rapunzel, I'm not sure what to tell you. If it were me, I probably wouldn't go, but that's just me. I put myself through YEARS of abuse in these types of situations -- one guy I was madly in love with reconciled with his ex right before my birthday and brought her to my 21st birthday party and since it was my party, I had no choice but to act "as if" everything was great, and I certainly couldn't leave.

 

I know that people say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, but...ugh. I don't know. I think I'd rather avoid putting myself through a lot of unnecessary pain. There's already enough suffering that comes upon us that we can't avoid. For me, avoiding suffering that IS avoidable is becoming the way to go.

 

EDITED TO ADD: Having just read Mark's post, and realizing that technically you HAVE to go, I have to agree with Mark that maybe this is the best thing -- go and hold it together and be cordial and perform your best and the hell with him/them! If this guy wasn't someone you worked with, and if this was just a social function, and you could cut him out of your life and never see him again, I'd suggest not going and just putting it behind you. In my situation that I wrote about, the guy was someone I didn't have to see again if I didn't want to, so it would have definitely been better for me to have NOT gone, and if I had known he would been there with another woman, I wouldn't have.

[browneyedgirl36]

As usual, Mark has some excellent advice and encouragement. You are awesome, Mark! (Just thought I'd say that. Sorry to hijack the thread!)

[rapunzel]

Hey thanks Mark, I hear your frustration.

 

I actually am doing a bit better. I KNOW he's not every coming back, EVER. So I have pretty much let go of that possibility. And I realize that even if he DID, after everything that has happened, it would never work. I haven't been able to fully eradicate thoughts of him/this woman from my mind, however.

 

Admittedly, I'm lonely, it's 20 degrees out, the sun goes down at 4PM and I'm human so it's natural to feel a tad anxious about this situation. Is it not?

 

I've tried internet dating, and there were a few guys that wanted to meet me but none that made me want to make it actually happen. I'm just not up for it, and there are not that many other venues. I've been going to bars for 25

and have never met anyone. I went to two parties this last weekend: No available or appropriate men at either one and BOTH parties had at least 50 people there. I do have a party to attend this weekend, and I'll just go with no expectations as I know the odds aren't good. I have to enjoy life and accept that I might have to live it alone - OR - settle for someone who is nice that I am just not that attracted to (a lot of people do this).

 

So yeah, I have to "fake it till I make it" - what choice do I have as long as I stay in the group?

 

I do plan to be myself, head high and be friendly to her if introduced, and as you said, that's it.

[rapunzel]

Yep browneyedgirl, I do have to go. It's a performance. I absolutely would not go if this was not the case.

 

Thanks for your post though. The hell with them, indeed.

[Clabs]

Thank you Browneyedgirl - you know - you are one of my most favourite posters on here - very kind and caring -oh, soothing too!

 

I agree that is best to not attend these type of things if they do your head in, but if you use it just to run away from the situation, in your head, then you won't do yourself any favours whatsoever. You just allow it to control you - and it will continue to control you for as long as you allow it.

 

Cummon - you have to be realistic too. Don't you think you are worth more than these "spurious" feelings? Does your ex waste as much time worrying about you as you do about him? The h£ll he does.

 

I can see I need to take a detour from RAP to kick your butt too! You would make someone a most gorgeous partner if you you would just kick your "jerk" out of your life - FOR GOOD!

 

Mark

[Clabs]

Yeah - but this is all because you are desperate to meet someone else - and that is exactly why you won't meet anyone else who doesn't just want just a shag.

 

What is so wrong in being on your own for a while and being happy on your own?

 

Mark

[rapunzel]

Yeah - but this is all because you are desperate to meet someone else - and that is exactly why you won't meet anyone else who doesn't just want just a shag.

 

What is so wrong in being on your own for a while and being happy on your own?

 

Mark

 

Actually, I'm not desperate. If I was desperate, I would dating like a banshee, on the internet, or with the guys that HAVE expressed interest in me (and there are several) but I am just NOT attracted to them so why waste their time and mine? If I was desperate I'd be with the stalker/groupie guy who comes to all my shows, stalked me online and tries to talk to me (and he repulses me at this point).

 

Nothing at all wrong with being alone...but I've spent MOST of my adult life alone - it's rare I meet someone I want to be with. I've been alone now for 15 months....and it gets lonely. And the older I get the harder it gets, which is why now I'm working on accepting that I just might be alone.

 

Time to get a cat!

[browneyedgirl36]

LOL! Thanks, Mark. You are right. I DO need to kick him out of my life. I am getting there. I am on the brink. I am almost *there.* It is hard when you have shared so much with someone, but there comes a time when that has to be put aside, and you have to say ENOUGH, regardless of feelings, history, whatever.

 

I could definitely use a good butt-kicking, couldn't I? I appreciate your words. You are totally right. I would make a great partner for someone else, and I have not been open to that because I have had my head up my...er...arse.

 

I will be going away for several months and will not see him at all, so I think this is my opportunity to break free once and for all and just look after ME.

[browneyedgirl36]

Actually, I'm not desperate. If I was desperate, I would dating like a banshee, on the internet, or with the guys that HAVE expressed interest in me (and there are several) but I am just NOT attracted to them so why waste their time and mine? If I was desperate I'd be with the stalker/groupie guy who comes to all my shows, stalked me online and tries to talk to me (and he repulses me at this point).

 

Nothing at all wrong with being alone...but I've spent MOST of my adult life alone - it's rare I meet someone I want to be with. I've been alone now for 15 months....and it gets lonely. And the older I get the harder it gets, which is why now I'm working on accepting that I just might be alone.

 

Time to get a cat!

 

Cats are highly under-rated.

[rapunzel]

LOL! Thanks, Mark. You are right. I DO need to kick him out of my life. I am getting there. I am on the brink. I am almost *there.* It is hard when you have shared so much with someone, but there comes a time when that has to be put aside, and you have to say ENOUGH, regardless of feelings, history, whatever.

 

I could definitely use a good butt-kicking, couldn't I? I appreciate your words. You are totally right. I would make a great partner for someone else, and I have not been open to that because I have had my head up my...er...arse.

 

I will be going away for several months and will not see him at all, so I think this is my opportunity to break free once and for all and just look after ME.

 

Your trip abroad is the greatest thing - EVER! Maybe the universe will send me a similar opportunity....I am really open to it. Maybe if I visualize a singing gig on a caribbean island for the rest of the winter...hmmm...