Workplace bullying and shame

[Lucy__lou]

I think I'm being subtly, covertly, increasingly mobbed at work. And I find that the more it happens, the more introverted I'm becoming, and unable to speak to even the few nice people I know outside work about it.

 

As for work, I feel that if I tell anyone about it, they'll turn on me too. But the more I cower, the more they seem to kick into me. One person who doesn't like me rapidly spreads to other people I barely know, causing my workplace to feel like a very unfriendly, unwelcoming place.

 

I feel like they're trying to drive me out. Trying to wear me down, and crush me. I feel like there's a survival of the fittest mentality working there, where the weak are sniffed out, their weaknessed identified, and pressure placed on their weaknesses and vulnerabilities until they get so worn down that they are easy to dispose of.

 

I am struggling in my job, not very good at it. But highly dedicated, motivated and passionate. But being hated by everyone is sabotaging my success.

 

How do I survive this?

[wgq]

Hi Lucy, being highly dedicated, motivated and passionate are wonderful qualities. I wonder if you try to open up yourself to people at work and see them as friends instead of rivals might help.

 

Cheers

[russ978]

If you think that being introverted is what is causing it than open up and start talking to people. No one is going to do it for you. If you want to succeed in any job or career, you're going to have to do most of it yourself.

[gsxr104]

Your best weapon will be your effectiveness and how well you do at your job. Learn it, live it and strive to be the best at it. Give it 147%. When you work hard and are good at what you do, people respect you. They may not like you, but they will respect you.

[bugbug]

First, introversion is an inborn psychological trait that means someone's energy is drained by socializing. Introverts aren't necessarily shy or withdrawn. From what you describe, you're becoming more withdrawn, not more introverted.

 

Second, I suggest that you stop thinking with your feelings. Do you "feel" that you're being mobbed? Or do you "think" you're being mobbed? The difference is that the first is an emotion, and the second is a rational conclusion reached logically through evaluation of evidence. I don't mean to imply that you're not being mobbed. I simply know from personal experience that basing decisions on emotions is often counterproductive.

 

Third, if you are being mobbed, it probably won't do any good to speak up about it. Why not? Because mobbing is bullying. And saying "pretty please stop bullying me" is ineffective -- it marks you as an easy target.

 

So I think you have two options.

 

First is to toughen up, accept that this is how the job is. Push back when they step on your toes, and establish some hard boundaries for yourself. But at the same time, use a bit of humor so that you seem casual and calm about it. Some careers, and some workplaces, are like you describe.

 

Your second option is to find another career or another employer. Some others suggested that you work harder to impress people at work. I'm not certain that's good advice for you -- what if they are mobbing you and they don't care about your efforts? Then you'll only bust your back to impress a bunch of jerks. I've quit jobs that didn't fit me -- I'm not too competitive. So it might be good to start looking at other job options where you're not stressed, and where they'll respect your contributions.

 

Good luck!

[pinkelephant]

I've experienced this before and something that works without fail is to go after the top dog. Whoever the top dog is, hopefully not that lady that dislike you -- if it is, go for her rival (yes, there's always a rival), you make them like you. Don't mistaken the loud-mouth for the top-dog. It's usually someone who is very well liked, but doesn't make too big of a deal of it.

 

You don't have to be buddy-buddy although that helps. Don't waste your energy on the little minions and treat them as such in your mind. They are just followers, not worth your time or energy and well beneath you. Don't even be nice to them, because they are the ones who will thrive on this and take advantage of this - much more than someone who's used to having power will. Treat those minions like little minions. Don't pay them much attention. Be courteous, but that's it. Special treatments are for the top dogs. Make sure your interaction with them be public so the minions can see. From there, you will see a change in attitude from everyone around you.

 

Don't do any sucking up, unless that is the kind of thing they like. Know your audience. And remember, shock value isn't just for pop stars. It works to get people's attention.

 

One more note, you have to try to take this off your mind. If you go in with this mood, it won't work because you'll seem serious and they'll see right through you. You have to stay light hearted. Listen to music to sooth you, talk to a friend, listen to the radio, whatever. Stop taking things so personally.

[alli]

I'm suprised no one has suggested going to your supervisor. If they really are treating you badly & purposely wearing you down, you need to bring it to the attention of someone in charge. It is their RESPONSIBILITY to protect you and make sure you are able to work in fair conditions.

 

The other posters do have good suggestions. It might do you a lot of good to get a bit more of a backbone. But you should not HAVE to do that. You should be able to work in peace as the person you are. If you are not comfortable going to your immediate supervisor, go to theirs. Maybe they can have some sort of meeting or presentation on workplace violence & harassment, what exactly is considered bullying & the ramifications for behaving in such a way, without actually mentioning your name. You have a right to do your job without getting harrassed by anyone. You should NOT have to quit your job & find a new one because of other people's behavior. God, people just irritate me to no end, thinking they can treat other people like that. Who gave them the right? Where do they get off thinking they can do whatever they want & make another person's life hell just because they feel like it?

 

Just like little kids getting harrassed in school. Do we leave it entirely up to them to protect themselves? Of course not. They are not exactly in a position of power to do so. That is why teachers & school personnel need to step in and correct the problem, because they ARE in a position of power. Just like your supervisor is. It would HELP if you could stand up for yourself, but then again it could also make them harass you more. You need to take action & put an end to this by informing the management of what is going on.

[Lucy__lou]

Thanks everyone for all the thoughtful advice. Special thanks to Alli and Pink elephant.

 

Unfortunately, my Manager is one of the people making trouble for me. She and another senior colleague bad mouth people on their performance constantly, and when I am in the room, they're not as friendly to me as to one another. It's clear they don't like or respect me, even though I'm nice to them. I'm not anywhere near as good at my job as them, but they treat me with hostility, you know, as if I were deliberately not doing a good job. I have different talents to them, but they get frustrated with me for not being like them, and not being good at everything they're good at. It's as if I were doing it on purpose. I go in there with a positive attitude, determination to do a great job, but all they see is that I'm not good enough, and their response is to try to punish me for it.

 

My Manager's boss is nice to me. But going to him about it would be seen as divisive I'm sure. The two main perpetrators know I don't like their bad mouthing. I've spoken up before. But their behaviour is just so ingrained in their personalities, so asking them to stop would be like asking them to dramatically change themselves. They're both harsh, insensitive, bulldozer type characters. Their attitude is 'harden up.' Maybe I need to. But I don't want to become like them. I don't believe their way is a good way. I don't believe in bad mouthing of people, just to vent. I believe in trying to find ways to work with everyone, and to work with people's differences. I guess I'm a little hesitant to toughen up lest I assimilate into the hostile culture which they perpetutate.

 

Thanks everyone.

[Scorpion Fury]

you're not entirely wrong.

 

Is there anyone you do get along with that is friendly to you? I would pick the smartest person and basically have them as my mentor.

[Lucy__lou]

you're not entirely wrong.

 

Is there anyone you do get along with that is friendly to you? I would pick the smartest person and basically have them as my mentor.

 

Good advice. I've actually done that sort of. The guy in question is very busy, but I've sought his advice on my career, and he's been very helpful.

[mgirl]

I'm suprised no one has suggested going to your supervisor. If they really are treating you badly & purposely wearing you down, you need to bring it to the attention of someone in charge. It is their RESPONSIBILITY to protect you and make sure you are able to work in fair conditions.

 

Ironic. My supervisor did nothing to protect me in the end. She kept the bad staff (whom she always complained about) on and let me go when my contract ended.

[Squiggy]

"the pen is mightier than the sword" if you feel being mobbed. i would write a letter/email and cc it to the proper supervisor. often when dealing with workplace bullying, its really hard to distinguish from joking around and social norm. words will do wonder, shows you've taken a considerate thought on what you write, puts your emotions in a readable manner, and conveys the message to the people that has affected you.

 

if that fails, then find out the nearest office for human rights commission as well as labour board (workplace harassment has made changes to workplace laws) and follow it up through them. of course use this as last resort, if you feel it has gone worst and given it time to "materialize" for the better.

[misestopieces]

Not every job is going to be a good fit. A job is more than a set of duties; it's an environment you have to endure and a group of personalities you have to handle. If it's not a good fit because you're not like everyone else already there, then accept that and don't expect anything to change to accommodate you. You may have to move on.

[Cynder]

I am introverted too and I get crap from people. Don't change who you are to please them.

[Squiggy]

i would then cc it to your manager's boss and start looking for a job. reminds me of a story of this guy ryan. he worked as a cashier years ago in a grocery store before becoming a store manager. But he didn't know the job came with a package of working with scumbag head office guys. he didn't like the producer buyer much even though ryan needed his help to figure out what was wrong. after the third visit, he was sure there will be no progress made with this guy and kicked him out of the store. He shouldn't have done it, actually thought it was a career suicide. Nonetheless he reported it to the VP operations guy and nothing was done. So he left the company. Years after his mentor called to become his store manager, obviously he accepted and he's back to where he was, bigger and better.

 

If you posses the traits of hard working, with a little luck, you will find a better job elsewhere. But i would atleast try to cc the manager's boss, think in their shoes. You really think they will pack and leave easily for another? That's probably their dream job and obviously aren't doing it properly. If you can make them change, then your the powerful introvert person. Who knows, maybe they're picking at you so that you can move up from your position. Maybe into their position? I was the shy person in my volleyball team, to this day i still don't know why my coach made me co-captain. Oh and i sucked too at volleyball lol