Talk with her tomorrow...

[gp913]

Okay, so here's my situation: My ex and I have been dating for the past two months, but she didn't want to commit to anything... she just wanted to date and see where things go... the 2nd month, she said that she might want to date someone else also... I went with this for a month until 2 weeks ago when I suddenly told her that I was feeling stressed and confused. I didn't think that this scenario would come into play... Me just wanting to tell her that I was stressed and confused turned out very bad. She felt like I was attacking her and we both ended up getting defensive.

 

I sent an email the next day apologizing for that day and then stating that maybe it is best if I step out of the picture while she wants to date someone else... I didn't think it was healthy...

 

She felt like I was trying to pressure her and was attacking her... We had just had a great date the night before and she felt like I tricked her by having the great date and then told her how "I REALLY felt". Everything I said to her that day was misinterpreted. I was just trying to say that I was confused and stressed... However, looking back on it now, I could've been fine. I let me emotions get the best of me and I told her that.

 

One thing that sparked me wanting to talk to her was that she never updated me on what was going on with her dating other people... I wasn't even sure if she WAS dating someone else... she had told me this 3 weeks prior and I had never heard anything again, even though when she told me, I said "Just keep me updated on things, okay?"

 

On our date night, she asked to go on my computer real quick to send a reply to a friend who she was holding a class for... well, the friend I saw she was writing to was the person I had been assuming she was seeing (loads of FB activity)... I was a little hurt that she didn't just send a reply and hit send... she said she was just sending a message to acknowledge she saw it... his message was long and she typed out something long too... Also, on other dates, she likes to text people a lot... I just think it is kind of rude... Should I bring these up with her?

 

She finally IMed me tonight (did not expect that) and we talked for a bit... then I asked if we could talk in person and she said "Fine". She told me that she was angry that we had just had a great night together and she didn't want be jerked around (as in me seeming cool with things and then going back). How I seemed fine and so sweet, and then I dropped this bomb on her... She said that she wasn't angry if I felt like I couldn't see her while she was unsure of things, but she was angry because she felt like I was inconsiderate of her feelings by telling her this at such a wrong time and how she felt like I was pressuring her...

 

What should I talk to her about tomorrow? I want to address why she still feels hurt by me... I don't feel like she was fully over the breakup... I see her getting closer to this guy now... but I don't know what is going on with that... Should I ask her how she is feeling about the dating situation (with someone else)? I just want to express that I do care about her and I wanted to take things slow, but I feel that this complicates things... but I'm worried that I am only going to push her closer to him now... Should I keep seeing her until she decides what she wants to do? She's on break now and not so busy... but I've learned to do my own thing, live my own life, but I want her in it... I know to take things muuuuuch slower now.

 

Please help! About 12 hours to go...

[vivia12]

If your ex wants to date someone else,that is a big red flag,meanings she wants to keep her options open,while dating you. Ask yourself if thats what you are willing to do,and if not,be honest with her.

 

She knows how you feel about it,she cant expect you to be a stand by or better than nothing guy while she keeps her options open. Be honest with her,if that snot what you want.

[EQIQ]

If your ex wants to date someone else,that is a big red flag,meanings she wants to keep her options open,while dating you. Ask yourself if thats what you are willing to do,and if not,be honest with her.

 

She knows how you feel about it,she cant expect you to be a stand by or better than nothing guy while she keeps her options open. Be honest with her,if that snot what you want.

 

I agree, but try to not get emotional over it. Be chill and confident. IF you get all angry and emotional, it will turn her off, because it will send this huge insecurity message that you are scared she will choose the other guy over you. Even though this insecurity might be what you feel, and hey i don't blame you, try to not get this message accross, because its not going to help.

So tell her, that you think it's not such a great idea for you to be going on dates with her while she is going out with this other guy, and just be calm and relaxed about it.

[gp913]

I'm really unsure of what I want to do... I see her getting closer to this guy, but I don't know what is going on between them...

 

If I take a stand and back off, I feel like I'm just going to push her more towards him...

 

I do feel like more time is needed between us, though... and I don't think her spending time with two people is healthy? Should I mention that?

 

I feel like I could do it (hell, I bought her a present and planned on surprising her with going to the Nutcracker, something we had wanted to do together for years)... I would only hope that things would go well and hope that she chooses me over him... and that isn't healthy.

 

Really, she felt like I tricked her because I seemed fine with it for 3 weeks and then I told her this... I WAS fine with it for 3 weeks (I felt confident in my standing), but then I just started stressing out... because I started to feel like I was left in the dark and in limbo... if we were atleast committed on working on things between us, I could have all the patience in the world for her... Should I address this?

 

Should I ask how she still feels hurt by me?

[gp913]

Anyone else?

[gp913]

Only a few more hours... If someone could please respond with their opinion on this...

 

I'm going to go in, confident and chill, and ready for anything... I want to address why she still feels hurt by me since I always hear that problems should be addressed before reconciliation is possibly... Also, one problem that existed is that I seemed to push things the past 2 months and I probably appeared clingy. I want her to know that I am my own person with my own life, but I would love to have her be a part of it. Tell her that I create a lot of the stress in my life (I'm seeking help for anxiety) and how I feel better when I just let things go. How I don't want to go back and forth with how I feel and I want us to start fresh.

 

If she seems receptive, I may mention tickets I bought to go see the Nutcracker in a week or so... and say that she doesn't have to answer me now, but I would love to take her. If not, I understand.

 

I may not be living in the same state (or country) for a 6-month assignment in 2 months at my job... she always told me that I shouldn't give up this opportunity just for her... even recently... I feel like it would be good for me, but I want her in my life and I feel if I just chill out, I can handle anything.

[bish0p2004]

Honestly, I think it's a bad idea that you're seeing her to talk. She has already given you many red flags...the same things she has said to you are things I've said to get rid of previous ex's. Even though I still cared for them and wanted them to be happy, I didn't want to be with them romantically.

 

It doesn't matter if you are cool and indifferent, going to see her at this point (especially since she answered you with "fine.") is a bad idea in my opinion. You're not going to change her mind right now. You say you see her getting closer to this guy and you fear that you will lose her; unfortunately, that's what will keep you from getting her back at this point.

 

Either way, I wish you the best.

[gp913]

Well, I went over to her place and talked to her... got to see her mom (she lives with her mom after she moved out with me).

 

Everything went really well, I thought, even if it wasn't what I had expected... I can live with that...

 

We talked about random stuff for a while, joking around, and then I apologized for that morning. She said that she didn't like how I wasn't considerate of her feelings and that I was coming off as possessive. How she knew that that wasn't who I was, but is scared her (she told me it reminded me of her old old ex)... I told her that my feelings got the best of me and I realize that I create my own stress and I can let go.

 

We talked about why she feels hurt, well, I told why I thought she still felt hurt and I was right and I explained myself.

 

She told me that she had not even been dating other people... She had only gone on one date with someone during the past month... how she felt like I was being obsessive and freaked out when she didn't talk to me for a few days. I had to explain myself on that one, because I wasn't freaking out, I was just confused.

 

Anyways, I think we cleared things up... but we both agreed that maybe now isn't the best time for us to be trying things and that we will be in a better place in the future, if it happens.

 

Right now, it still seems like she is very confused, but she told me that she felt like we were beginning to start a relationship again until I told her... It just seems like I need to give this time and space, but I told her that I'm not holding onto hope...

 

Anyways, I'm glad that we talked. We're on good terms now. I guess I'll see where this goes, but I'm happy by not obsessing over this. I just need to chill and I think she could see that I'm still growing.

 

Ideas on all of this? I almost wish that I had just not brought anything up that morning 2 weeks ago... but it WAS driving me crazy that one day... but I'm better now... I'm becoming stronger.

 

I'm guessing that I'm jumping into the LC zone now?

[moondog627]

Ideas on all of this?

 

Yes. Start dating other people asap. Doing so will help to keep your emotions in check, let you see if there's better people for you out there, and show your ex you're not solely hung up on her. Right now it seems as though you're pressuring this girl too much. And simply hanging low, laying back in LC is not going to truly help your situation any. I'm not saying go NC but do your best to move on (emotionally). This will make you that much stronger when you do actually hang out with your ex. Good luck.

[gp913]

Thanks. Noted about dating other people. It has been suggested to me before. I'll have to look into this...

 

My ex said something like how she felt like things were going so well with us and that we were progressing towards rebuilding a relationship... and then she felt like I was pressuring her too much when I brought up how I felt... I could sense this somewhat, but I was just so confused by our situation... I let my emotions get the best of me... and she wasn't really even dating anyone else. I made a mistake and should have chilled out. She said that we should be friends, for now atleast. She kept saying that now isn't a good time for us and I agreed. Her telling me this goes with what I had hoped about having a better chance later... She agreed. She isn't one to play games and I don't think she would play games with me. She said that she was trying to be very clear that now may not be a good time to try things... "for now".

 

Of course there is the possibility that she is trying to let me down easily, but why would she say that she felt like we were near rebuilding our relationship just recently? I told her that I'm not going to hold on for hope, but I'm going to keep going on and she knows that I want her in my life. She seemed to almost expected me to hang on and be upset, but I wasn't... She seemed to be receptive to what I was saying to counteract her assumptions. She isn't one to play games at all. She always says how sweet I am to her, we said that we love eachother yesterday, and she only went on one date when she said she wanted to try dating others. Her saying what she did, she obviously felt like something could work, right?

 

She said that she can't deal with the stress if things continued the way they were, but we addressed a lot of things yesterday that I think were really good to talk about and feel it helped...

 

Is this situation still good for me? I feel much more relaxed... maybe I can just do my thing, see her from time to time, and this way we can see eachother but not feel pressured by "dating" and just let things progress?

[gp913]

Any other opinions/advice on my situation?

[vivia12]

You really want advice how to get her more interested in you and not on this guy.well you cant,and ask yourself don't you deserve to have a girl want you and only you.

 

Look if i can have a magic wand to make my ex leave his current Skag Ho i would, but you cant control people and emotion.

your best bet is spend some time AWAY from her, you dont have to go complete NC,but take a little time to think what you want for yourself.

You are just standing there at her fence waiting for her to make a decision,"pressured"? when a girl is crazy about you she would love to have you for herself,the word pressure only comes from people who are not serious aboutyou,guys like to use that word.

 

do you have guy friends,or friends you can go out with? sometimes solving a problem that seems hard to solve is taking time away from it for perspective,but hey don't have to listen to me

[jim355]

Just my opinion but...

 

If you are having this much trouble at 2 months you should end it now before things get worse.

[Mavh25]

She sounds like the most confusing selfish piece of work. Here you are trying hard to make her happy, listen to her and understand her. She tells you she wants to be with other people but also wants to keep you round as backup, and then when you tell her you wanna back off she blows up at YOU? telling you YOU'RE jerking HER around? gimme a break.

 

I don't mean to be harsh, but if you don't end this now, she will end it soon, it sounds like she is keeping you there so the transition is smoother, I know how hard it is to fathom that the person yuo want to be with does'nt want to be with you, but if she did, she would be.

 

You should'nt play 2nd wheel, you really need to date around. Get rid of this girl, she's awfull.

 

Instead of saying "i'm cool with this, keep me updated with your dating around" you need to say something like "i'm done with this, call me when you decide you actually wanna grow up and make a decision"

[gp913]

You're right. I know I can't make her feel anything. I'm already feeling better by just not stressing on it so much. I can wonder though -- we both seemed to feel it wasn't the right time now -- and she said that she felt like we were recently rebuilding something... She isn't one to play games... She told me that she hadn't even been dating other people, only one date. I did probably push her towards this other guy if she is interested at all. But I can't think and assume things anymore... I don't know what is going on with that. It's what stressed me out before. I felt like she was still hurt and that prevented her from really committing. She said that she is unsure of what she wants right now. Would me disappearing be good? It is scary, especially since we are on good terms now... but she is always talking to this one guy. He seems a little strange and boring though. I don't get it at all.

 

"Pressured" would be my term actually... She never used that word except in responding to me using that word. I always told her that I never wanted to pressure her about anything. And it's true... but I probably came off that way.

 

Really, I'm not wondering how I can get her back anymore, I'm just wondering if by what has happened if there is a likely chance we may have a shot in the future... but nobody is a fortune teller here, I assuming. A lot of people I have talked to think it's good that we agreed that now is not a good time and not healthy. Time away is scary though, because there are tons of risks there. We did agree that we would be in a better place if we were try again in the future (which is very true, but it's a chance that it would happen -- something that I go back and forth about how likely I feel it is... less once she's "In a Relationship").

 

I'll need to see her soon to pick up my artificial Christmas tree that we were storing at her mom's place (where she lives now). She said that this week is busy for her, but to let her know and we can work something out (I don't think she is that busy). I know to just be happy, cool, and myself... no touchy feely anymore... and then not hang around. I have a feeling it will be the last I see of her for a long long time. My therapist didn't even think that we'd get to talk at all and said to just do without a Christmas tree at my apartment this year, haha...

 

We talked in her room... So much stuff she has is stuff that would remind her of me, a picture that we got on a vacation hangs on the wall (her mom put it up, she said), most of her jewelry, places around the city... I guess it's good that we are on good terms now and she may miss me. After the breakup, she was somewhat angry at me.

 

I still have hope for the future, but I'm trying to be realistic... I suppose I'll just back off now, unless she contacts me... but I can't do this just friends thing... some contact here and there maybe, but I can't do it and she knows it.

 

No, I'm listening vivia12. I really appreciate you responding. It helps! Thanks. This is all a learning experience for me... first time someone's broken up with me, long term relationship, and then I go through this... I'm learning.

 

Any opinions on all of this?

[jimmajam]

My opinion is that you just received a temporary high on hope. Things went well, you are on good terms and that gives you hope for the future. It's great, but don't get hung up on it. I don't suggest you become friends, but if you can handle it you don't have to totally disappear. Let her come to you, contact her every so often. You can't be her friend if you want her back, it just doesn't work most the time.

 

She doesn't see you as a candidate while she is still in the mindset that you are broken up and starts looking for boyfriend candidates. So you're there enjoying the "good terms" you're on and she's out looking to replace you. Even if she's "not that way" it will happen naturally. She will meet someone eventually she might be interested in and will date him. If you still have hope to get her back some day I doubt you're going to want to go through that happening.

[gp913]

Thanks jimmajam. I really did get a high on hope... I still have a high on hope, but I'm trying to be ready for anything and not focus so much on this and be hung up on it... I'm feeling way less stressed now.

 

An update:

I sent her a text yesterday which said my busy week was over and if there was a time I could come over... it was a playful text that rhymed (unintentionally) and she laughed at it... she said she'd call me after her volunteering. We talked on the phone for about 10 minutes and then I went over to her place to pick up my artificial Christmas tree.

 

I had been thinking I'd just go there, pick it up, and not stay long... but she asked if I wanted anything to drink, eat, etc... then she said that her mom would be home and maybe she could make us something... her mom came home and she always loves to see me... she made a pizza for us and we watched some episodes of a show on DVD... We were just all hanging out for a while...

 

We showed some signs of affection like holding hands, holding feet in our socks (yes, we do this), a lot of hugging... but I know kissing is off-limits... during one of the hugs, I kissed her on her forehead (by habit). She showed that the was welcoming to it all...

 

I had to leave due to it snowing really hard, but I asked about going to the Nutcracker next week (I had told her last week, but said she could think on it) and told her the time and she was was upset, she had thought the tim was later and she had a therapist appt just after that time... I knew it would be hard for her to reschedule and she hasn't seen him in a while, so I said it was cool... but she told me she wanted to go with me. If she ends up rescheduling, then good! If not, I will probably take my mom as a present. Either way, not a big deal - I won't push it. We said that we'd have to do something else sometime.

 

When she was going through some ornaments, her giving me the ones that belonged to me, she said "I didn't think that this would be so sad..." and you could see that she was sad... I felt a little sad too, but I didn't say anything and tried not to show it... We had some ornaments that matched that had our initials/names on them and we took ours... She just decorated her tree today.

 

I know that we aren't dating, but we both feel way less stressed now and I feel like I am more of myself... maybe talking every now and then and seeing each other casually is good... Not too much though, unless she is ready for more... She sees that I am continuing to grow and we've already laid out the relationship stuff so much...

 

We talked on the phone for about 20 minutes after I got home and then some on Facebook... She initiated the Facebook stuff... I'm going to keep my space best I can, but I feel like a lot of stress is gone and maybe something will just need to build up again.

 

Any takes on this?

 

I am really trying to guard myself from getting hurt, but I have good feelings about this... and this other guy that I was stressing out over, I don't think he is anything... (to her atleast, he may be interested though... just like some of her other guy friends that started hitting on her after our breakup - that she told me about).