Moving with boyfriend and girlfriend

[rosephase]

So I have two partners who I love very much. We are all together and are planning on moving in together next year. Where is up in the air because it has to do with where my girlfriend and I get into grad school (She is in New York right now getting her Masters and my boyfriend and I are in Seattle living together)

 

She just started mentioning that she would also like to move with the person she is living with now (an old friend from Harvard who is a really nice) boyfriend and I don’t know him that well but we both like him and I think we would enjoy living with him. So we are open to that if he wants to move to where ever we get in.

 

But there is a woman she is dating, I met her when I was in New York not too long ago and I didn’t really click with her. She is in my girlfriends program at school and I’m not sure if I get along with her. This isn’t the first time my girlfriend has dated other people or other women but I just seem to be having issues around this one person. She is young (22 or 23) very smart, very worldly (she speaks five languages) has traveled a lot and just rubs me the wrong way. And don’t know what to do about it.

 

I’ve spoken with my boyfriend about it but have yet to talk to my girlfriend about it because I don’t want to freak her out. She and the woman don’t really have a defined relationship yet, although the woman told her parents she was dating my girlfriend and that my girlfriend is dating other people. She also came out to a friend causing that friend to have issues around her dating a girl. I might be wrong but that sounds like a real relationship at least on her part.

 

My girlfriend has mostly said she doesn’t know how to define the relationship and that she doesn’t know what she wants from this woman. But I feel really nervous about the whole thing. I don’t want my girlfriend to invite this woman to live with us (My boyfriend doesn’t seem to mind her at all it’s just me) but I’m feeling scared to talk to my girlfriend about it. I don’t want to put down rules, or make her feel like she can’t date with woman.

It’s all just so up in the air. I feel like I would feel so much better if I just knew what my girlfriend wanted (even if it was a long term commented relationship) because then I could adjust my expectations and start working on dealing with the new situation but my girlfriend doesn’t seem to know what she wants. And I don’t know what to do.

[Scorpion Fury]

Can you meet her a few more times before this becomes a serious discussion, to see if maybe you start to like her? Maybe she got the same vibe from you, and you guys will end up liking each other.

 

If not, home is where everyone should feel comfortable without tension. I don't think there is anything wrong with you asking her not to move this girl in, if you don't get along well with her.

[HouseKitten]

You do need to talk about this with her, but your feelings are not invalid and you don't have to say it in any way that might insinuate you don't like her dating women.

 

Start off by stressing that you are fine with her dating other people, men or women, whatever, but go on to explain that you don't feel you have clicked with her new girlfriend and you'd appreciate it if she could bear this in mind in the future. Perhaps say you need more time to get used to her before she becomes a stable part of your lives, or maybe ask her where she honestly thinks this is all going.

 

You're in an open relationship, so be open: don't be afraid to at least discuss where things stand.

[Nixee]

A lot seems to hinge on your girlfriend deciding exactly what it is she wants.

 

I agree that it might be nice for you to try and spend more time with this other girl and see if you will end up clicking (sometimes first impressions CAN change..), but otherwise, if that isn't possible... it sounds like you will have to discuss your feelings with your girlfriend if you are worried or if it comes up.

 

Obviously, if you are in an open relationship, you can't really tell her who to date.

 

However you DO have a right to your feelings. And you DO have a right to feel comfortable in your own home... and these are both things that may need to be discussed.

 

Has your girlfriend brought up the possibility of this other girl moving in at all?

[rosephase]

So yeah, I'll headed back to New York in a few months I should try and spend some time with this woman. I do probably need to give her more than just a few days of contact if my girlfriend really likes her.

 

My girlfriend hasn't mentioned anything about this new woman moving in with us. But I'm getting this feeling she is thinking about it. I might be way off. She just asked us if her roommate could move with us (which I think will be kind of great) and we are all thinking so hard about the future that it keeps just popping into my head.

 

But you are all right; I just sent her an e-mail about it. Just asking if she thought she had any idea what she wanted from this woman. And also mentioning that I didn't really click with her while I was in New York. I didn't push her for anything just asked if she thought she had a better idea of what she wanted out of a relationship with this other woman.

 

Hopefully when I hear back I’ll have a better idea of what is going on. Not sure why it feels so scary to me.

[Nixee]

well if she hasn't actually asked about her moving in, try not to worry too much. Since she is the one involved with her at this point, ultimately it is up to her to figure it out.

 

What you said in your email sounds like fair things to ask given that you are in a relationship with her as well and will be moving in together in the future, and I think what you are feeling is normal. When you click with everyone around you it always makes things much easier. If there is tension with someone.. naturally there can be anxiety..... especially if it involves someone you care deeply about.

 

An old roommate of mine once got into a relationship with a man who I did not like from the moment I met him and I felt nothing but uncomfortable right away. In our situation, she actually did move him into our apartment without really communicating with me even.... it was a mess. I felt that we should have definitely communicated better the whole time.

 

As for your fear... do you think part of you fears losing your girlfriend to this other woman? Or does more of the anxiety come from the thought of having the girl you didn't click with being always in your home?

[rosephase]

As for your fear... do you think part of you fears losing your girlfriend to this other woman? Or does more of the anxiety come from the thought of having the girl you didn't click with being always in your home?

 

I think it's more about someone I don't like that well living with me and my partners. Grad school is going to be rough (good rough, but rough) and I want my home to feel safe and loving and I want to know that I can just be me when I'm there.

 

But I'm sure there is some fear about my girlfriend being with another woman. We both mostly date men so it's odd for her to date a woman. And I'm sure it's playing into in someway.

[Nixee]

Well it seems like a good thing if it is mostly about wanting your home to feel safe, comfortable and loving. If you talk to her with this viewpoint should the issue arise, I'm sure she could understand where you are coming from... especially since you will both be grad students.

 

If you had been the only woman she'd been involved with until recently though, I am not surprised that you could feel a bit threatened. Other men is one thing, but another woman is somehow on the same playing field. Maybe if you express some of this to her, and after more time is spent with the other woman, you will start to feel more at ease.