Should I strive for eternal monogamy or eternal polysexuality

[Keraron]

I am 23 and facing an important decision in my life, and thinking about it has deprived me of lots of time and energy - I also think that I must make a black-or-white choice because that's the only way for me to stay focused in my ambition and work on something specific instead of randomly straying around.

 

My values have always been to keep an open mind, keep exploring and thinking differently... yet now I have this urge for results, concrete results, one or another, and it may be due to this urge that I am growing impatient.

 

I am an extremely social person by nature and I feel that I have literally met thousands of thousands people, comparatively more than any other person I know (how this happened is complicated to explain but is linked to my personal and family history), and this may be the very reason why I feel I need a universal conclusion, one that applies absolutely and not just subjectively.

 

At the same time, throughout the past 3-4 years of my life, I have developed many lifestyle ideas which on the surface make me seem "socially conservative", yet in reality are aimed at what I have come to believe as disciplined paths to advance human(ity): I have become more health concerned physically (alternative medicine, abstention, etc.) and spiritually/psychologically (meditation, prayer, altruism, etc.), and I back most of these things through current scientific evidence rather than dogmas.

 

I would call myself "biologically liberal/progressive" as I subscribe to behaviors that transcend from what is known as 'human nature' . I try to be new and productive instead of limiting myself to what others have done before me.

In this perspective, a quite important personal conclusion is also that I have started to value complete monogamy as an ideal lifestyle, as opposed to polyamory or serial monogamy.

 

I feel that as of today I have had success in every area of my life in which I applied these ideas. Yet, for reasons I consider quite absurd, I think that these ideas and this lifestyle is either impossible or highly difficult to apply in my idea of Love.

 

I feel that the reasons are social norms.

 

One very likely obstacle is the vibes (first impressions, but also other instinct-related emotions over time) I give when interacting with the opposite sex. Due to my very complex ideas it is difficult to categorize me:

I am highly extroverted, yet my ideas are stereotypically conservative, and then again, they are created through very liberal, scientific approaches.

A person who doesn't know me well or doesn't want to spend some time understanding my ideas would immediately label me as a living contraddiction.

Which leads to more difficulties in creating trust. Trust is the basis of all long-term relationships, but how can anyone trust a person with so far-reaching and [apparently] contraddictory ideas and lifestyles?

 

So here is my black-and-white decision:

Considering the difficulty of including eternal monogamy/love in my life, should I...

1) Commit and work harder to understand how to make a relationship work until eternity; I already am in a relationship which is about to fall apart, but the main idea is that if I believe in the infinite possibilities of a human being, I should be able to transform the current situation into the happiest relationship that ever existed. This can means staying positive and hoping even for months, or even years! Working on it forever until I and her are 100% in love again.

OR

2) Completely abandon the idea of monogamy from my life and become polysexual (having more romantic or sexual partners, including no-strings attached and polyamory), merely because it is easier and less stressful and can open up more space in my head.

 

The reason I want to choose only one and close my options to the other is discipline. If I decide now and re-think later it would be somehow wrong, inconsistent.

I know that MANY PEOPLE LIKE TO EXPERIMENT before settling for one thing, but for the sake of congruity: how can one "experiment" premarital sex without loosing the possibility to stay virgin until marriage, and vice-versa: how can one "experiment" virginity without loosing the possibility to try premarital sex?

 

For the sake of congruity/consistency, I can choose only one or the other, and the two choices are mutually exclusive.

 

I think that "keeping options open" is not consistent with any form of disciplined life or making a choice... though I wonder whether not doing so is in contraddiction to open-mindedness.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

2) Completely abandon the idea of monogamy from my life and become polysexual (having more romantic or sexual partners, including no-strings attached and polyamory), merely because it is easier and less stressful and can open up more space in my head.

 

I am sure that has its own set of problems and angst. When it comes to relationships there are always issues..even with some of the alternative lifestyles.

[Keraron]

That's true Crazy

 

As a matter of fact, I forgot option 3.

 

3) Completely remove any possibility of romantic relationships from my life.

That would probably be the most peaceful lifestyle.

 

What is most important to me is that I am utterly fed up with experimenting, trying, etc. They say there are plenty of fish in the sea, 3 billion women in the world, etc. but I'm just fed up.

 

I want to settle for one lifestyle once and for all.

[agent1607307371]

2) Completely abandon the idea of monogamy from my life and become polysexual (having more romantic or sexual partners, including no-strings attached and polyamory), merely because it is easier and less stressful and can open up more space in my head.

 

Lol.

 

The no-strings attached might be less stressful, but anytime you have a relatiosnhip with one person you add stress. Add more stress for each person you're involved with, the people they're involved with and the way they get along.

 

I look towards monogamy because I am lazy.

 

OP, not that it will help you (most likely) but you might like to check out On Love by A Orage. (available at the link removed)

 

Ultimately, the need to settle on one lifestyle completely sounds to me like a futile search. Lifestyles change as life changes, and I'm not even the same person I was yesterday. My needs change as I change.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

That's true Crazy

 

As a matter of fact, I forgot option 3.

 

3) Completely remove any possibility of romantic relationships from my life.

That would probably be the most peaceful lifestyle.

 

What is most important to me is that I am utterly fed up with experimenting, trying, etc. They say there are plenty of fish in the sea, 3 billion women in the world, etc. but I'm just fed up.

 

I want to settle for one lifestyle once and for all.

 

It may be peaceful but it is very lonely.

[Keraron]

It may be peaceful but it is very lonely.

 

I don't suffer from [romantic] loneliness. I don't need romance as such. I would only give romance if it turns out to be a necessary formula for maintaining monogamy.

 

But loneliness is something I never feel. Books, videogames, theater, concerts, traveling... I can enjoy all of those things by myself without the company of anyone.

[Keraron]

Lol.

 

The no-strings attached might be less stressful, but anytime you have a relatiosnhip with one person you add stress. Add more stress for each person you're involved with, the people they're involved with and the way they get along.

So, wow! We found a pro for "promiscuity"

 

Ultimately, the need to settle on one lifestyle completely sounds to me like a futile search. Lifestyles change as life changes, and I'm not even the same person I was yesterday. My needs change as I change.

 

It's not a search, it is commitment. If I choose to do, I will pursue that lifestyle as long as I am not deeply convinced that another is better.

But I won't change randomly. I will change only if argument and logic make me change.

[Unity]

The way I see it, you will probably make a decision one way or another, and then life will then turn around and change it for you. So I see no point in hyperanalyzing this.

[mad rabbits]

If you are not lonely, I would say in the interests of simplifying life for yourself and others, go the "no relationship" option.

[penelope13]

Why does it have to be a black-and-white decision (I get the point that once you had sex you never can go back to being a virgin, yet I don't understand yet why it has to be either one or the other)? Life is usually not binary.

 

Is it difficult for you to realize/ make a decision of how much is enough or not, so that either all or nothing seems to be easier to implement?