stupid me,broke the no contact

[ilios69]

Hello all,about a month ago my girlfriend of 4yrs.and i broke up.Mostly her decision but i knew it was right because of the constant fighting.Anyway thursday i called her and of course i turned into a fight.Because i asked her if she was still on birth control,and she said yes.i asked her if she is seeing someone else she told me no..But why would a women stay on birth control if she wasnt sleeping with someone else.She also told me she still wants to be friends.I just missed her so much i knew i shouldnt of called her,but i did.I thought by now i would be over her but i still think about her every day.But the thought of her with someone else is turning my stomach.I really dont know what to do anymore other than just leave her alone,and let her call me.But she knows how i am and if we ever get back together she will never tell me if she slept with someone else.Am i going to wonder that forever because thats just going to put us back to the beging which caused the break up in the first place.......Any advice will be greatly appreciated....G

[Grahamdubya]

Some women stay on birth control because it helps to regulate the period, puts it on a predictable schedule, which I'm sure is quite helpful. Also, I know how you feel about her sleeping with someone else - I feel the exact same thing less than a week after my break-up. Don't worry about it, though, if you're right for her, than she'll see that compared to whoever she's with - if anyone.

[densil]

Ah don't worry too much harcam we all mess up. Just have to use how you feel now as an incentive not to do it again! I' m in the same position as you and I am mega paranoid. You know, watching messenger to see if she is online, "Who is she chatting to? ... Where has she gone?... Who with?... Doing what?...". Its all madness and you will drive yourself crazy. with this sort of thinking.

 

I am afraid that you are just going to have to be strict with yourself. Just don't do it! Thinking about it is only going to wind you up and make you all tense! Its basically not going to help in any way. I am ofcourse being quite hypocritical as I find myself doing it, but I'm sure it will only make you even more paranoid and sad. I have done a little chart where I put a tick next to each day that I manage to not contact her, its quite satisfying, try it! (Although I'm only on day 4!).

 

I wouldn't worry about the pill issue. I'm no woman and I dont pretend to understand them (or else I wouldnt be on this forum!) but they stay on the pill for many reasons. You know regular periods, other medical stuff, its no big deal.

 

Ok, you messed up, everyone does and she won't hold it against you, as long as you dont do it again!

 

Steve

[pepsimax]

harcam, i don't mean to be nasty (honestly) but don't judge her about staying on the pill. if you're being judgemental about her lifestyle choices (the issue of a woman's own health is very much her OWN concern) this will probably show in your attitude towards her and if you DO talk you might ask her again. it is a BAD idea to disapprove of anything a woman chooses to do as regards the pill. starting and stopping birth control is a very traumatic thing for the body to cope with. it messes up your periods, makes you gain or lose weight, makes you spotty, it can even affect your moods and appetite. once a girl is in a pattern that works, she is best not to break it. i have a birth control implant that stays in for 3 years, i've only had it in since Feb and i have NO intention of having it removed! why would i? i didn't have it put in my arm because my ex asked me to.

 

that's the harshness over

 

i'm broken up after 5.5years, for just two weeks. i am already feeling a little more at peace with the situation. this board really helps.

 

the things that are moving me on are:

 

- realising that things could not have gone on as they were

- realising that a massive shock was required to shake me out of my patterns of behaviour (which were wrong, but not intentionally so)

- realising that i cannot make him come back and it would mean nothing if i did

- understanding that he has issues in addition to the relationship problems that i cannot solve

- learning to let go of the control aspect and embracing uncertainty and chaos

- leaning on friends as hard as i have to

- writing a journal to avoid leaning on friends TOO much - it's set up to only allow certain people to look, so they can read it if they want, but they don't have to, and my ex cannot see it if he tries

 

i have been expecting a call that my ex promised for two days now. we ended our last conversation on a bad note and i have left a message to apologise. i am just sitting out the worry and the frustration and the uncertainty. uncertainty is good. that helps when you are applying no contact.

 

do no contact now. it can only be for the best, in my opinion, at least in the short term. you are giving the ex the space s/he wants, you are forcing yourself to fill time without depending on the ex, and you MAY be causing them to 'miss' you - or at least, they will realise you are past the pleading/begging stage which is at least more attractive than calling and hassling them.

 

i don't think NC is a hard and fast rule in all cases - i broke it to call/email and apologise for my behaviour because i thought it was the right thing to do. but i think in general the principle is right. try it for a while. the chart suggestion is often used and i think i will be implementing that myself.

[densil]

 

 

See thats basically what I said!

[ilios69]

i just want to thank everyone for there advice...even you pepsimix...LOL...it was good getting a womens advice...anymore?...G

[murrayfaces]

Thanks Pepsimax for that list of things that are helping you move on, because it made me realize that I was doing/living those things, I just needed to put them into perspective to see how they were helping me.

 

Harcam, I know how you feel about the thought of your ex with someone else. It's a nauseating thought, so try your hardest to eliminate those thoughts, or replace them with better thoughts. I know that is easier said than done, but it can happen. Try having to erase the memories of finding your ex with someone else, once in the act, once post-act, with a condom wrapper left on the floor just to screw with you. That took a while to get over, but actually now reminds me what a lousy person he really was.

 

As for breaking no contact, I think all of us who prescribe to this mode of dealing with things think about breaking it, and wonder just how much it might or might not set us back. Truth is, it would set most of us back ALOT. As for the birth control thing, well, dude it's not really your business anymore if you're broken up. See, I have the same problem of trying to deal with the life of my ex in some way. I talked to him once, and I chastised him for screwing up at work which could get him fired. When actually, I should have just said oh well, and left him to his own business. Once you begin to remove the artificial attachments, you can make real progress. I would consider the birth control issue an artificial attachment, because if you're not the one sleeping with her, and she isn't your daughter, it's not your business. Think about this, had you never called, you never would have gotten the answer to that birth control question, because you would have never had the chance to pose the question. One thing that keeps me in "no contact" is the thought that I would run into my ex and see him with someone else. Now that would be something I'm not ready for right now. Later on, maybe. Now, today.....no.

[FreeAgain]

- realising that a massive shock was required to shake me out of my patterns of behaviour (which were wrong, but not intentionally so)

 

This quote stuck out at me, pepsimax. I was having some personal problems (anxieties and stuff) before the breakup which was a cause in her leaving me. Before she left, I knew i needed to change but felt i needed some kind of spark or something to get me over it. Well, i got my spark (more of a shock as you said). As much as i might hate it now, it may have been the best thing for me to change my ways.

 

And as for the pill, I dont see why a girl would stop after a breakup. Its just something you should try not to think about (or ask ). Hell, im posative that my ex has been haveing sex already .... but thats a thought that i definatly try to avoid.

[murrayfaces]

It's very difficult to "stop" thinking about something, but it's the only thing that works. If you continually rehearse, and rehearse the thought or image in your head, well then it's more prone to stick. If you can actually work into your mental processes, and stop those thoughts, then you'll be better. No, we're not repressing or suppressing those thoughts, we are removing them altogether if they are there, or we are simply stopping the continual rehearsal of them. Sure, it's OK to remember good times, as long as the don't interfere with dealing with our loss. But, if good times have to be remembered at the expense of forgetting bad/rotten memories, then we must be cautious, there. Sorry if this is all psycho-babble, too much developmental psych. talk. But, just like no contact takes a very concerted effort, so does stopping unwanted thoughts. Trust me, you don't want to remember finding your #1 screwing a street whore, paid for with the money stolen from your bank account using your ATM card, in the bathroom of your 5-star New Orleans hotel on a vacation that you paid for.

That's a hard one to eternal-sunshine-spotless-mind away.

(Oh, this wasn't the bitter break-up forum)