I'm angry.

[BrokenLisa]

Got a weak apology from my ex for being 'useless' when I rang him because my dad was in a hospital. He hung up on me several times during the phone call when I was crying and not knowing what to do. I then apologized like an idiot the next day through text when he wouldn't take my calls ( claims he didn't hear them, it's funny how all of a sudden he's started missing every single call I make when he never ever did before). He then apologized and when I didn't answer back immediately ( had better things on my mind-like my dad) he sent an another text. He was out with his friends the next night, and my friend happened to bump into him. According to my friend she tried to talk to him about me ( I know, not her business, told her she shouldn't have done it) but his friends kept rolling their eyes and s * * * * * * ing either at her or me? I know my emotions are running high because of everything that's happened, but hearing about that made me really angry. Obviously he's told them things about me that are eye-roll worthy, perhaps my desperate calls when my dad was ill or my sadness during our break-up? I texted back last night that yes I was hurt by him hanging up on me several times and asking if the eyerolling was true. No text back. Should have known that he apologized because he felt guilty, not because he felt genuine remorse. I know he doesn't owe me anything, but we broke up a month ago, and haven't rung him since except for this one time. Have a heart.

 

So I'm done loving him. This is not the person I fell in love with. As much as I did wrong in the relationship I'm opening my eyes to the person he really is. I've apologized endlessly and I'm going to therapy now, but when we broke up he said that he struggled to find faults in his own behavior towards me during the relationship. At the time I was so guilt ridden that I accepted that and said no it was all me. Now I'm seeing it wasn't. A lot of it was me, but not all. He did not treat me particularly well. Always keeping secrets, a lot of disrespectful behavior in the beginning and end of our relationship, lying to my face time and time again. Feel like telling him this but what's the point?

[ElChup]

Did he end the relationship? If so he probably feels that whatever is going on in your life, no matter how bad, is not, ultimately, any of his business or concern. If he left you why do you feel he has a duty to you now to comfort you in bad times?

 

Perhaps if you agreed to stay friends I could see a case for wanting his support, but if you didn't then maybe its time to respect his space.

[BrokenLisa]

Yes, he ended the relationship. I understand why he might feel that whatever is going on in my life is none of his business anymore. I guess after spending 10 months together I was hoping for a bit of compassion. I don't understand how people cut themselves off totally after breaking up, like nothing ever happened. My parents live in an another country, I don't have a very good support network here, so in panic I rang him.

[ElChup]

Yes, he ended the relationship. I understand why he might feel that whatever is going on in my life is none of his business anymore. I guess after spending 10 months together I was hoping for a bit of compassion. I don't understand how people cut themselves off totally after breaking up, like nothing ever happened. My parents live in an another country, I don't have a very good support network here, so in panic I rang him.

 

I totally understand. I found myself the other day talking to my ex about a personal issue, but after a while I realised that although she, perhaps unlike your ex, was bothered by suffering I was going through, it just wasn't her concern any more and there was no reason to burden her with it.

 

I think this is a time when our friends need to come into their own and be there for us.

[BrokenLisa]

I know and understand this. Won't ever contact him again. Can't stop crying this morning, how silly, just because he didn't answer my text or show genuine remorse. What I didn't understand before is that he doesn't care if his friends find humor in my distress, he doesn't care if my dad is ill. Haven't been crying this hard in a while. I guess it's a combination of my dad and everything that's happened. I feel like the first time we broke up. I should have never contacted him. He feels guilt, yes, but not much else. That's fine and I get it now. I've accepted that we are through when we broke up, but accepting that he really doesn't care at all has taken me longer.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

He sounds like an incredible jerk..and so do his friends. Do you really want to be with someone like that and be with his friends who behave like that. If someone bad mouths and disrespects their partner, their friends will often take their cue from them and also be disrespectful. It is important to have a partner who supports you and comes to bat for you in front of friends, not someone who makes fun of you to friends. You are better off without this guy.

[BrokenLisa]

Since when was S N I G G E R I N G a bad word?

[ElChup]

I know and understand this. Won't ever contact him again. Can't stop crying this morning, how silly, just because he didn't answer my text or show genuine remorse. What I didn't understand before is that he doesn't care if his friends find humor in my distress, he doesn't care if my dad is ill. Haven't been crying this hard in a while. I guess it's a combination of my dad and everything that's happened. I feel like the first time we broke up. I should have never contacted him. He feels guilt, yes, but not much else. That's fine and I get it now. I've accepted that we are through when we broke up, but accepting that he really doesn't care at all has taken me longer.

 

Well he probably needs to move on himself and if he cares and gets involved it could well harm his own efforts to move beyond the relationship. Plus, I don't know the guy, but he may be trying to put up a macho shield up in front of his mates.

[FreedomRing]

Sorry to hear about your father's illness.

 

However I can't bash your ex for reacting the way he did. Sure he could've showed some 'compassion' but even that is rather subjective....he could've answered your call, and quickly put you off the phone with only a "sorry to hear that, I do hope your father gets well though, bye" - and one might consider even THAT kind of response to be rude... who is to say(now that you two were no longer together) what kind of response would have been decent?

 

Having an expectation at all after a breakup, particularly, on the dumper, is where your mistake lies, imo..

[BrokenLisa]

I guess so. I know he tried to stay with me on the phone but I wasn't making much sense at that point, just hysterical and out of control. I know I shouldn't have expected anything from him. I don't know, I'm alternating between being super angry and understanding that he doesn't owe me anything. I guess the news from the night out really made me slide into the anger side of things. I wanted him to say " no of course my friends weren't rolling their eyes". Who knows what really happened since I wasn't there to witness it.

[FreedomRing]

Yeah, I don't think it was in your best interest for your friend to relay what his friends did(supposedly anyway) back to you.....what good could have come from that? But at any rate, focus your attention praying for a quick recovery for your dad and being there for your family(as much as you can be given the distance)

[DN]

I understand that you are upset and angry but I really don't see why he is a jerk. You say he gave a 'weak' apology but he did apologise. What constitutes a 'strong' apology? What more did you want?

 

Your friend confronted him on your behalf and judging by the reaction it was not a friendly conversation. So she was supporting you and his friends were supporting him - which is what friends do. What she did was unfair and unwise and reflects badly on you.

 

I know it is hard to accept but he is your ex and you phoning him, as much as you needed compassion, put him in an awkward position that not many people would handle well because of the concern about giving false hope for a reconciliation.

 

Your best course of action is to stop being angry with him over this because it won't serve you - it stops you moving on from him and keeps you stuck.

[BrokenLisa]

I am indeed focusing on my family and my dad. He is doing heaps better, he is home now and undergoing medical tests.

 

I've reflected on this today, and have come to the conclusion that yes he tried to be there for me, which I appreciate. I shouldn't have got angry with him. I still think even though you don't owe anything to the person you break up with, there is, at least in my opinion, a moral code when it comes to these things. Most people would feel compassion and be there for their ex partner. Not because they have to but because they want to. Even though you don't love the person anymore, it doesn't mean you once didn't care for that person. It does not mean they want to get back together, it does not mean anything but just that: being there for someone in their hour of need. I'd like to remind people that this was not a small thing: at the time of me calling my ex, both me and my mom were under the impression that my dad's life might be in danger. I wasn't able to reach my mom after she told me the news, and reached out to him. My dad had been hospitalized 2 days before the incident, during which his condition did not appear to be serious, I did not contact my ex then. I only did it because I was desperate. Granted hearing his voice then brought up a lot of issues which I should have not discussed with him. In short it was a huge big old mess. So yes he was there for me, but no I did not appreciate being hung up on. As for my friend I understand now after thinking about it that she might have been quite accusatory and what she did was definitely not fair on me. I don't care if it reflected badly on me, so did his friends' eye rolling. Who knows what happened. I guess with emotions running high for me personally at the moment, I reacted from the wrong place and did not think things through. Thank you for your input everyone.

[Ms Darcy]

What I find interesting is that you had a friend who said something to your ex. Wasn't she a good person to go to in your time of need? Do you have other people to rely on in the future?

[BrokenLisa]

Well to be honest she's a friend but not someone I can feel safe confiding in if that makes sense. Yes, we go out, and she even confides in me, but I don't feel comfortable doing the same. I have plenty of friends but really only feel comfortable talking to one of them about anything. But yes in the future I will be reaching out to my friend in situations like these for sure.