How to take the reconcilition process slow.

[Nappyloxs]

So ex. and I are on LC. We talk about once a day for the past week. Mostly she has initiated contact. I may send a text, but she calls.

 

So I am rushing, I know I am. I tell her how much I love her, how I learned, etc... Sometimes I get caught up, other times I am rational about it like when I talk to anyone else.

 

She is afraid. She says I basically broke her heart. I know I am throwing too much at her and that I need to slow down.

 

She is slowly opening up a bit. She still holds back. She wants me to move on saying dating others will help me (I thought of ENA when she said that). I know she is telling me to move on because she is confused now and wants the confusion to go away. She also says she doesn't know what to do.

 

Its kind of like what we have talked about. We are on opposite sides of a wall. She can see through the holes, but is afraid to the other side. I am on the opposite side of the wall, trying to take that hole and knock the wall down at full speed with a semi-truck.

 

I really need to slow down, because I don't want to push her away. She has cried over the phone, because of the confusion; because she doesn't know what to do. I want to make it easier for her to make her decision, hopefully a decision for us.

 

I thought of buying her a promise ring, but besides the fact that I don't know her ring size, I know that it would be overwhelming.

 

I feel like we are making progress, talking about issues, but then I will say something and she gets scared. I know I have to stop talking about us being together again, but at the same time, I have to show her that it will be different this time around.

 

We haven't decided to meet yet, as she says it is too soon. I am hoping that we will meet this week.

 

If we meet for dinner, I want to try and sweep her off her feet. Would that be the right call? Other times, I think it would be better just to have a lunch or coffee. I really want to do anything and every thing to show her I love her, but also allow her to be comfortable opening up again.

[j_cali_man]

Sounds like it might work out to something wonderful. Can you do a quick summary of:

 

1. time together

2. time apart

3. When NC initiated

4. when reconnected

5. anything else you'd like to add.

 

Thanks!

 

J

[LoveFish]

My advice...sorry if I am blunt.

 

I think you should NOT try to sweep her off her feet and no way would I give her a promise ring. You are contridicting yourself by saying you want to slow down but thinking you should giver her rings and sweep her off her feet on a date.

 

Slow it WAY down and give her space to breath. In fact don't go out to dinner with her yet. If she feels pressure from you she is going to get scared away. If you really must go out to dinner or hang out then don't bring up your relationship in the conversation. just talk to her about life and try to enjoy each other's company. If you make the meeting uncomfortable and awkward by talking about being together or how much you love her she may have a negative response.

[Hopeless1234]

If we meet for dinner, I want to try and sweep her off her feet. Would that be the right call? Other times, I think it would be better just to have a lunch or coffee. I really want to do anything and every thing to show her I love her, but also allow her to be comfortable opening up again.

 

how is trying to sweep her off her feet over dinner any less overwhelming than a promise ring?

 

i definitely agree with you that you need to slow things down. taking your bulldozer analogy, the way you are going, you are going to successfully break down that wall that exists between you and your ex. however, you are also going to run her over with that bulldozer as you break through that wall.

 

i admit that i'm a bit jealous at where you are with your ex. however, i really would go at her desired pace. in terms of that wall, if she'd rather chip away at it with a broken tooth pick, i'd suggest that you pick up the other piece of the broken tooth pick and help her chip away even if you KNOW that there's a better way.

 

i know that you want to show her that you still love her and how you've really improved since the last time, but talking about past issues isn't the way to go about it. give her space and just emotionally support her through SUBTLE actions. once she's officially committed to reconciliation, i'd pull out all the whistles/bells, but until then, DO NOT LEAD HER and just respond to her actions/comments.

[Nappyloxs]

Sounds like it might work out to something wonderful. Can you do a quick summary of:

 

1. time together

2. time apart

3. When NC initiated

4. when reconnected

5. anything else you'd like to add.

 

Thanks!

 

J

 

1. 2.5 years, basically living together since day 1.

 

2. just over 3 months

 

3. I never could never do NC. The longest I could go was about 2 weeks, before I would send her an email. I have sent her so many emails over the last 3 months.

 

4. Last Wednesday, she called because "her friends told her to call for a closure talk." I emailed her last Monday. Then I emailed her on Wednesday about money I owed her and that I was sending it to her parents house. She says she never should have called, because now she knows I am serious about everything I have written during the last 3 months and now she is confused. (FYI, she has read all my emails).

 

5. I really don't want to give any one hope, or for anyone to follow the things I did to get to this point. I did the whole beg/plead/blame/ etc. I don't really know what made her call.

 

I followed my heart. I just kept following it no matter what anyone said, what my mind said, etc... Our situation/breakup was unique. I was consistent and steady. I really thought a lot and learned a lot over the last 3 months.

 

Despite all of that, we still aren't together. We are on LC. I want to have hope; but at the same time, I know she could call any minute and say she thought about and she decided we can't be together, her feelings have just changed too much.

 

I really don't want to screw up this chance.

[Nappyloxs]

My advice...sorry if I am blunt.

 

I think you should NOT try to sweep her off her feet and no way would I give her a promise ring. You are contridicting yourself by saying you want to slow down but thinking you should giver her rings and sweep her off her feet on a date.

 

Slow it WAY down and give her space to breath. In fact don't go out to dinner with her yet. If she feels pressure from you she is going to get scared away. If you really must go out to dinner or hang out then don't bring up your relationship in the conversation. just talk to her about life and try to enjoy each other's company. If you make the meeting uncomfortable and awkward by talking about being together or how much you love her she may have a negative response.

 

Totally agree. Just need to hear it.

 

I don't want to make her cry anymore. She started crying today, because she is confused. I told her to stop and told her she shouldn't be crying because she should be happy. I don't ever want her to cry unless it is tears of joy. She cries if we talk about the past, so we stopped talking about those issues. It really kills me to hear her cry over the things I did in the past, to know that I hurt her so much.

 

I know that when she cries it may push her away.

[Nappyloxs]

Thanks:

 

The analogy you gave, I told her!!! I got frustrated for a moment and was just rattling off, I love you this and that. So I stopped, took a few deep breaths and then apologized. I told her I know I am throwing to much stuff at her, that I want to take it slow, that I am trying to knock down the wall full speed, and that what I really need to do is take a chisel, be a sculptor, and take my time. It is just hard.

 

I will remember not to lead, but to respond. I know I can't change her mind/heart. It is something she has to decide on her own. I just have to make that decision as easy and comforting as possible.

 

PS. I use to get jealous when I read these types of threads too! I am not trying to gloat. Healing was hard enough. But when they come back, it is just as difficult if not more, because you have all these feelings built up and try to release them too quick. And still, you can fail and be heartbroken again.

[j_cali_man]

Thank you for the summary on your time spent, etc. i agree with the other replies to SLOW DOWN. what books are you reading? guidance is key here because relationships will fall into the same pattern (and split) unless things are done internally (you) to change them. I say you because you cannot change her.

 

also, how certain are you that there is not another person on her end (another potential interest)? cover all your bases. slow down.

 

keep us posted.

 

J

[Nappyloxs]

ENA is really the only book. and myself.

 

She says she isn't. She brought up dating. So I told her I went on a date. She says she hasn't been on a date. I think she was just as heartbroken as me with the breakup. She handled it differently. The way most people say to on ENA. NC; do things focus on you. I read it all but did not follow it. She didn't read it and followed it (unless she is secretly on ENA and I just don't know it yet!)

[peanutbutterandjelly]

i think from now on you should stop talking about anything related to the relationship. it's obvioulsy causing her stress and anxiety if it's making her cry, and that gives her a negative feeling which she will associate with having contact with you. You have said everything youve needed to say and there is no reason to talk about the past anymore. Keep it light and fun and be the person she fell in love with.

[dumped]

Personally. To be blunt...I think you are out of your tree

[Hobbes]

Personally. To be blunt...I think you are out of your tree

 

We're all out of our trees. Nappy this is a tough call, I don't want to advise you either way, just want you to get what you want, good luck.

[dumped]

We're all out of our trees. Nappy this is a tough call, I don't want to advise you either way, just want you to get what you want, good luck.

 

I agree. I want him to win. He just needs to gather himself and get back in the tree. Relax, take it slow. No rings, sweeping of the feet. Just calm, cool, and collected.

 

When you first met her did you sweep her off her feet with a ring. I doubt it. You need to go back to who you were in the beginning or better. You are trying too hard. I notice it and I am not even there. She is going to begin to feel smothered then you will have a whole new set of problems on your hand. Just take it easy and be casual

[newinvention]

Nappy - Been following your story man... I'm really hopeful that things go your way. Trust yourself but be smart.

 

If I can't have it, I'm glad someone else can... Make it right for those of us who will probably never get that chance.

 

Best

[Nappyloxs]

The ring isn't an engagement ring. Just a simple promise ring. i agree that if I give her one it should be when we reconcile, and even then a few months down the road. Sweeping her off her feet. I will wait.

 

I turned to you guys and ladies, to help me slow down. I don't want to rush things. After a few conversations, we have been able to talk more about things besides the relationship. But the pain is still kind of fresh in both of us right now. I also want to eliminate some of her concerns. We talked about one of issue that we had. And we talked it out in a very reasonable way.

 

Thanks. I know I need to hit the breaks. Its like during our conversation. I basically called a time out, took a few deep breaths, and then was able to resume a "normal" conversation.

 

Thanks for the good luck, because I know I am going to need it.

[dumped]

Thats the attitude...You're 10 steps ahead of most of us here. Keep Truckin'

[Nappyloxs]

Thanks Dumped. Stuff is hard.

 

I sat there for three months not hearing a word from her. And then on what I really thought was going to be my last email (at least for a while). She calls and now "we have contact Houston." (I like the title)

 

Drives me crazy, because I know it could all be back to day 1 of the healing process tomorrow. I want to give her everything I learned in the last 3 months at once.

 

I have this rare opportunity again, even if its just a small chance to get back together. I just really don't want to blow it.

 

Its strange, because I was really about to give up last week. I can't provide any advice to anyone right now, but if I could. It happens when you least expect it. (I know that has been about every day for the last three months, but still). Just make sure you cherish it.

[diamond78]

Nappy,

 

Why did you guys breakup in the first place? Working on those reasons internally is the best way to have a successful reconciliation and can help you develop a path that is both calm and peaceful.

 

Don't push too much as she is already in an unstable state of mind and any wrong turn on your part can send her running far far away. I highly recommend keeping things light and fun for right now with no pressure on her. Do things that will make her feel happy and safe with you again. Forcing the situation will only make her feel caged and trapped and make her see you in a negative light. She has to be able to develop a trust that you won't hurt her again.

 

Pretend like you just met her and are interested in dating her....what would you do then? Try to approach the situation from that angle for a bit.

 

Good luck to you guys and remember to stay calm when having conversations with her and just do things that would make her smile!!

[Nappyloxs]

Thanks,

 

We broke up over a big argument. We still can't exactly talk about it. She knows I am sorry for what I said. But I don't think she is really sorry or even thought about what she said. She just blames me. I think she has forgiven me, but trust. Hell no. Not just yet.

 

Its really tough. Since we broke up, she lived her own life and now is set on buying a house. We have talked about this house is hers just as much as mine. But she "wants her own." So she is out looking at homes, getting things lined up. I know I am looking too far ahead, but we have always lived together. I don't want to live in separate places and just date. I am not in it for that. I know that if she buys a house, and we get back together. She is going to resent me down the road. Maybe not right away, but down the road. And there is nothing I can do about it. She is just going to have to learn that on her own. I just don't want to see her make that type of commitment. A lease/rent a place. Fine that is cool, but a mortgage. That is the biggest financial commitment. I know she is impulsive and rushing. I asked her to wait until we see what happens with us, but I doubt she listened. Last time we broke up, she rented a place for 6 months and moved back in. We are only in month 3. She has never listened to my advice. She use to say she loves me because I am smart and then when I give her advice, she doesn't listen. (Financially, a house doesn't make sense for her. She makes decent money. But does not have a lot of savings, and just bought a new car. She doesn't realize that money is going to be really tight if she buys a house. She complained this week how she only has a few dollars in the bank. When we lived together, she use to put money away every month).