Online dating frustration....

[BriarRose]

That's kinda what I'm thinking misskitty... even though the convo went well, and he acted very intense and interested, called super fast and everything... I just find it odd to wait for contact.

 

If he does contact again... I guess we'll see? But for now.. meh. I actually had been bouncing mails back and forth with another guy who last night asked me to have dinner with him Saturday, so I'm going to go.

..

Good, I am glad you met someone else. I wouldn't go out with that other guy if he calls. What site are you on? Sounds like you are at least meeting people. I've never had much luck with those things.

[Nixee]

This is actually from match... which is kinda funny since I had a profile on there a long time ago, then hid profile ... then somehow my profile became UN-hid I guess, because I was getting messages sent to my inbox again after a few months. haha... At first I was mad, but one struck my interest. Go figure.

[Batya33]

I think you're confusing strangers contacting each other through on line sites and a man pursuing a woman (or vice versa). When a man contacts you, he is not pursuing you - you're a stranger he is contacting to see if down the line he should pursue a relationship or a date with you. He should call you when he says he will that first time (or have a good excuse why he couldn't), and after that first call you both should decide whether to meet in person (this has nothing to do with a man asking you out on a date - you should suggest meeting if you click on the phone and he seems harmless enough - or he should) to see if in the future you should go on a date. If he needs to call you back then he should be reliable about calling you back (just like you should).

 

Why would you need to have phone conversations/emails after that before meeting in person unless you need to confirm/change a plan?

 

As far as the men who don't follow up - could be infinite reasons - he was more interested in the next person he spoke to, he got very busy at work, had a family crisis, decided that dating wasn't in the cards right now, reconciled with an ex, decided to stay with his wife/girlfriend, etc...

 

And I would stop thinking of this as "on line dating" - you're simply contacting someone through a dating site to see if you should date in person in the future. It's fine to refer to it as "online dating" but it sounds to me like you think that dating "rules" should apply to the typing and talking you do with these strangers and calling it "on line dating" reinforces that.

[Nixee]

Good points Batya... all of them... especially about the online dating, versus just contacting via a dating site.

 

During the first call he mentioned calling later in the week (didn't say specifically when), and talked about possibly meeting up later. To me that sounded interested. I guess I'm just comparing things too much with other experiences I've had in which if they are interested they tend to call in a couple of days and be more firm. So, even though he sounded interested... I guess I don't know how to take it. I don't do well with the waiting around for anyone to call, and I hate to be pushy and call or contact him (especially since I was the last one to send a message), so I guess that is why I'm just putting my focus elsewhere for now. And in case one of those reasons you listed IS true... keeps me safer as well from having any hopes and being let down.

 

As for having conversations/emails inbetween... well... depends on the person. Sure we don't need to. But that is up to the guy. I certainly don't mind getting to know someone better though.

[BriarRose]

If a man is interested in getting to know you and at least meeting you, he will not wait days to contact you. No one is that busy, sorry.

[Nixee]

Well.... *I* am very busy. This is finals week for me. (I'm actually turning my nose away from books right now.. .shame on me, my brain is numb haha), and I did tell him that, which could be a reason why he said end of the week, after finals. But its not like I'm blocking all calls still.

[citymouse]

I guess I just feel so jaded at this point ya know. I'm not dumb. I know that he's been online enough by now to simply reply if he wanted to and say "yeah, I was disconnected" But chances are he's been online looking up and responding to other women, because that is just how online dating works. Shopping for dates.

 

So why do this? Why make contact with someone if you don't want or intend to keep it? Can anyone help me out with this?

 

I am brand new to online dating and about two weeks ago I was so disgusted by my most recent breakup that I signed onto link removed, plentyoffish and e-harmony. The triple whammy. Already I have experienced this several times where the guy contacts you and then goes "poof!"

 

I am handling it this way. If they email me, I wait 24 hours and email them back. I always wait 24 hours. No instant messaging or anything like that, because people who are just browsing for quick hookups feed on that type of stuff.

 

If someone is really interested, they will still be interested 24 hours from now.

 

I'm also thinking of cancelling match and fish because I'm starting to feel like a can of tomato soup on a grocery shelf for sale. Plus I have been bombarded with inappropriate, suggestive comments.

 

I am much more impressed with eharmony - the guided communication, privacy, character/personality matching, etc. There is one guy on eharmony I'm super , super interested in... we just started open communication and I'm hoping it will pan out into a date in the next week or two. On paper at least we appear to be soul mates. I'm not getting my hopes up but I can't help but notice the huge difference between eharmony matches and the other websites, after only two weeks.

[Batya33]

I couldn't stand eharmony because of the forced communication pre-meeting (this might have been before "fast tracking") - I wasn't contacting these men to type and talk, I was contacting to meet ASAP if we clicked on the first phone call enough to know that I could safely and comfortably talk to the person for 30 minutes over coffee (or a good chance that that would be the outcome). I do think some people are on there to shop for dates just like some people go to bars to shop for dates/flings.

[citymouse]

I couldn't stand eharmony because of the forced communication pre-meeting (this might have been before "fast tracking") - I wasn't contacting these men to type and talk, I was contacting to meet ASAP if we clicked on the first phone call enough to know that I could safely and comfortably talk to the person for 30 minutes over coffee (or a good chance that that would be the outcome). I do think some people are on there to shop for dates just like some people go to bars to shop for dates/flings.

 

Hm, that is a good point.

 

So far I have been liking the guided communication, although I am new to this and might change my mind. I feel like once we get to the phone call stage it will be a lot more promising because a foundation has been built.

 

I feel like match and fish are more of a game of numbers, so I hesitate to drop out just yet. But I will be screening very heavily.

 

By the way Batya, when you were online dating -- when you got to the phone call stage, if a guy struck you as weird, how did you go about saying "no" if he asked to meet? What are some good things to say in that situation?

[Daligal83]

I actually really like eHarmony. I just signed up for it on Sunday and I like how it works. I don't mind the guided communication, even though it's kind of cheesy. But I feel like it cuts to the chase about a lot of stuff and helps you weed out people who aren't right for you without having to waste your time. Unfortunately, I can only afford three months

[Batya33]

Hm, that is a good point.

 

So far I have been liking the guided communication, although I am new to this and might change my mind. I feel like once we get to the phone call stage it will be a lot more promising because a foundation has been built.

 

I feel like match and fish are more of a game of numbers, so I hesitate to drop out just yet. But I will be screening very heavily.

 

By the way Batya, when you were online dating -- when you got to the phone call stage, if a guy struck you as weird, how did you go about saying "no" if he asked to meet? What are some good things to say in that situation?

 

I got to the phone call stage usually after exchanging one or two emails - so at that point he was a stranger which meant that if I declined to meet, no attachment had formed. What I would say is usually a white lie "can I please check my schedule and get back to you" followed by an email a few days later saying that, on reflection, I didn't think it made sense to meet because it didn't seem we clicked/had enough in common" or I might try to end the call saying I had another call/had to go and then write the email.

 

I rarely said so on the phone unless the reason was that he lied about marital status/age/education,etc and then I would say that I wasn't comfortable meeting him because he hadn't been truthful. I am sure at least once or twice I just didn't write an email to follow up after "can I check my schedule" - I am sure he got the hint and since we were strangers and just talking about a first meet not a date, I felt fine doing that especially if he seemed really weird.

 

I was able to screen out very well in a 5-10 minute conversation -- far far better than from what he typed on a profile or in an email. I usually talked about some harmless subject like music, travel, books, and listened for negativity in tone/vibe, whether he asked me questions about me, how he answered (more tone than content but if he had nothing to say about typical topics, that was a bad sign), saw whether he asked me inappropriate questions, mentioned sex, had lied on his profile, etc.