My GF hasnt gotten closure from her ex

[Tears May Fall]

Me(20 yrs) and this girl(22 yrs) have been going out for a month and half now, short time but i guess you can say we got to know alot bout each other quick and we had alot in common...one for example, we both came out of long, very serious relationships recently, mine 3 years long, ended a year and 7 months ago...and hers was 4 years, and ended 8 months ago.

So we both atleast understand that we had a first love that didnt work out, both of us were dumped...however mine ended because we had arguments on alotta things and i didnt treat my ex the way she deserved, and i regretted it for a long time and it took me a year or so to get over it and accept it...her on the other hand, the guys parents were very displeased and got an arranged marriage setup for him and got him married, so he had no choice but to be forced to leave her, however neither of them wanted it to end.

So they went their separate ways for a month, however than began talking again, and STILL talk up until this very day. This girl met me at work, and asked me out and i was the first guy shes been with since her ex, first guy she even thought about and got feelings for since him. So things went really good for a month, we seemed to get along great, found alot of things we can relate on, and we soon discussed everything we expect from this relationship. We both wanted something long term, that we were both gonna make the best effort to make it work, and that it was gonna be a serious, committed relationship.

Just this past weekend however, it seemed like reality hit her, and she just had one of those "what am i doing, why am i doing this, and is this what i really want rite now" type of thoughts constantly running through her mind. Eventually i caught on and realized sumthing wasnt right, and she wasnt being herself. She wouldnt call as much, little enthuasism, wasnt dying to see me, etc. So i had a long talk with her, and she basically told me that she still talks to her ex all the time, everyday practically, and that they still have strong feelings for each other, but theyre forced to move on and are trying to. He's the one who always calls her and initiates any sort of conversation, and even shows up at her job after shes getting out without even telling her hes coming, and the thing that bothers me is, she doesnt seem to be making enough of an effort to stop him or avoid him, and it actually feels like to me that she still wants him to be a part of his life in this small way, but to me its HUGE, cuz i was there once, and talking to your ex is no good, cuz everytime u hear their voice, you're only reminded of the feelings all over and it holds you back from moving on with your life without you even realizing it, and i told her this, and she said why does it seem to bother you soo much that we still keep in touch, we're only friends, nothing more. I told her ofcourse its gonna bother me, here u are, acting different to me, saying youre not sure if ur ready for this, but at the same time saying you dont wanna lose me from your life, but at the same time, still keeping the thing in your life that is holding you back, its like you're making no effort to progress forward, and that if u really cared about this relationship, you'd see the brighter, more logical side, but you're still blinded by his love, weak to his emotions, and its totally not fair to me.

So she basically asked me what i wanna do? and i gave her three options, either take this a step back, and give you the time you need to heal from everything and try to think things through...or, continue going out and take this one step at a time and me try to help you get through this since ive been there kinda already and know how you're feeling, but slow it down and give you some time to breath, like not be so serious anticipating so much...or last, just forget this, and go our separate ways and if ever you feel like you're ready for this, u let me know and MAYBE ill still be around

I asked her to think it through, consider my feelings, consider what she really feels is good for at the time, and whatever makes it better for her, and make she knows what shes saying...and sleep on it and gimme a decision..and so she tells me she wants to still have me in her life and she does wanna make this work, but she needs to just relax and try to take things a little more slowly and certainly, but bottom line is, she says she still wants and needs me by her side to help her through this hard time. The only things im concerned about, is how much effort will she really make at this point to stop talking to her ex, will she even, and does she really care about me or is she just wasting my time?? she says she really really likes me and really wants this to work out...i just hope she likes me enough to say that im the only man she needs to talk to and that having me there is enough for her, but i dunno if shes just playing with me and wasting my time, any opinions guys? should i leave this chick alone and let her get over it by herself and when shes ready let her decide on her own....or try to help her through this and support her and be there for her to talk to and everything?? oh yea, she also said she wont be able to give 100% of her devotion to me until she has closure from her ex....any opinions or thoughts, please help...i dont wanna be hurt again...thanks anyone who had the patience to read this

[jasminebose]

This is a really tough one- i can see you must be torn. On the one hand if you leave her alone and let her get over this guy it might bring her back to you as she will realise what she let go, but on the other hand if you let her go she may turn to her ex for company!

On balance I think what you have decided is best, still see each other but try not to get too emotionally involved and keep it casual. Even if you both want a serious relationship it sounds like it def isn't the right time to start it now, for her and maybe you too. If you try and keep this in mind, whatever way it works out hopefully you won't be hurt.

I don't think she is trying to be unfair to you, she obviously likes you but she needs time and more space to figure out what she wants.

Good luck with it all. As my dearest friend advised me, when it comes to the opposite sex always keep it "cool, calm but friendly, always friendly".

JZ

[Michael2]

She is confused, and unfortunately your relationship with her is only confusing the issue greater.

 

You have no choice in the matter. She is still hung up on her ex. I suggest you give her space, DO NOT PUSH things. Guard your heart, I have feeling she may unintentionally hurt you in the long run.

 

The talking, the seeing of her ex, this should not go on in a healthy relationship. Hang in there, be smart, let her be. Listen to the song ,"Let it be" by the Beatles.