when will the pain stop?... a random collection of thoughts

[alonelychild]

it still hurts...to see him...to hear his voice...anything and everything from a familiar smell, taste or sound... and anybody even remotely resembling him... brings back memories...memories that spark a tear, which falls unnoticed...memories that are somehow able to defeat even the purist of smiles...memories that haunt my dreams and follow me around like a shadow, even in the dark...

 

ppl say i am too young to fall in love...i've heard the same old advice...life went on before him and it will continue to go on after him...it'll happen again...blah blah blah blah blah...but that doesnt stop the pain...we went out for only two years...but in that two years...he taught me love and hate...he taught me friendship and jealousy...he taught me joy and pain...he taught me about appreciation and regret...he taught me how to live n he taught me what it felt like to die...he was my best friend and my life...and i lost him...n i know there will come a time when i will look back on this note and laugh with amusement at my inmature and pathetic attitude but...for the moment...nothing anybody says or does seems to help...i really loved him he gave me the world and threw it away...but when will it stop? this endless heartache is almost unbearable...when will it hurt less? when will i stop thinking about him, stop hating myself for still loving him? ...i hate how im so confused...my friends go thro the same thing n i tell them how nobody should have the power to feel less good about themselves...god im such a hypocrite...im so confused...so lost...one minute im fine without him i hold my head up high and know i can go on cause i dont need to rely on him for my happiness...n the next minute i feel like melting at knowing i never got a goodbye kiss...n the next minute i hate him and wish terrible things n hate him so much it makes me sick...when will it stop!?!?! ppl walk thro the hallways at school unaware, ignorant of the world around them...stupid bimbo's consumed with petty lies, unnecessary drama,betraying gossip...n i in the midst of this walk alone...every person in the hallway has their own story...their own problems...their own fears...their own life...their own issues...their own fears...maybe im not so alone...maybe i too, like them, am just unaware and ignorant. sometimes i want to scream out...sometimes i doubt if there are any tears left to cry...sometimes i laugh at my own foolishness...im so twised...so confused...so tired of being so well acquainted with every negative emotion known to man!!!! when will this pain cease to exist?!?! when!!!!!???? i can no longer force an answer to this unanswered question...i can no longer be patient with everything unresolved in my heart....i just wana move on i just wana let go...is it worth all this...is he worth all this...NO...then why am i going through all of this...why do i lay awake at night blaming myself and then him...why do i lay awake at night thinking about him in the first place?! i dont want to! confusion, anger, misery, lonliness, pain, depression, hate, a fake giggle. a forged smile... who lives like that? when will this pain cease to exist?!?! when!!!!!????

[kungfumaster]

Wow alonelychild - you are quite articulate - and the ending of your first paragraph - just breathtaking. You must be a poet by heart. Keep venting these random thoughts - they are quite frankly, very poetic.

 

Sorry, I do not mean to neglect your pain - welcome aboard by the way. We all know how you feel - from the youngest of us to the oldest of us, we all share the same pain when we are severed from the love we once had.

 

The pain will be there for a while unfortunately. We all have to go through it. It is almost like a right of passage into a new a better self. My guess is that this was your first love. I know you heard this a million times - but it will get better - time will heal - and the next love you have will be 100 times better - I can almost gurantee you that. Just right now, get reaquinted with your friends and family - do fun things for yourself - try meeting new people. VENT ALL THE TIME - don't keep it inside you. All of us in this forum will listen, and we will empathize and give you advise if need be.

 

You will be alright alonelychild - you will be alright. Time heals all wounds (sorry - cliche - but true).

[tiff8434]

I dont really have any advice but I do want to offer encouragment that you are not alone. I am going through the same thing and I am 22, it dosent matter your age when you love and that loves is snatched away from you it hurts at any age. I wish I could tell you when the pain would stop but I dont know. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers though!

[asia604]

hi lonely child

 

I know what you are going through, I felt the pain when I heard his voice or when I heard about him from my friends, or if I saw something that reminded me of him like his favorite tv commercial, or favorite food. Try not to think about it, I know its easier said than done, when you find yourself thinking about him, try do put your mind on other things by keeping busy. My other suggestion is if you still have contact with your ex, cut off ties with him, use the no contact rule. You will experience less pain.