There's Hope - When last night it seemed hopeless

[Lucy__lou]

Last night, after a couple of beers with work people, I got so depressed.

 

My situation seemed hopeless. I found myself looking at all the objects around me thinking about how I might use them to get rid of myself. Train tracks were calling me to them, bridges... did I still have that length of rope?

 

I want to live. I feel lucky to have life, with many good things in it. But last night, I just wanted peace. I wanted just a break from this pain. And I didn't know how to help myself. It seems hopeless sometimes, like I don't have the power to protect myself from mean people. And to prevent them from pushing me through trapdoors for no reason. People are savage sometimes. I don't understand why they let themselves become so cynical that they think emotional violence is "just what we all do." Why would I want to live in a world full of fakes, people who bad mouth me, people who let fear block their vision, so that they don't see me as human. Fear of my honesty, my humanity, my insubordination, my difference.

 

I want to live, but sometimes continuing on this planet feels like an act of masochism. I'm not a masochist. I love myself, as a mother to a child. I am like a child in some ways, and I don't understand how people can be so savage, so lacking in conscience. I know we live in a capitalist society, but some people really take the cut throat thing right inside and play it out wherever they can feel powerful. Upon whoever is unable to stand up to them. Whoever is marginalised and silenced enough for them to act out emotional violence without other people finding out.

 

But I rode it out. I wept on the train. I wept on the bus. I came home, and had an early night. I woke up in the night, sat up and processed. I processed and I processed. Looking for opportunities, for hope. Ways to take the suicidal urge and make it metaphorical.

 

I rode it out. I feel better, even though I haven't found a solution to the problem. But I'm thinking of making a dramatic change in my life. I'm thinking of leaving my job, and moving to another city. Take my knowledge and start something different.

 

I thought and thought and thought. It looked hopeless, but I had some ideas. I manufactured some hope from my own ingenuity. Keep your faculties. Sometimes we can outsmart a hopeless situation, and make something of it.

 

Lucy Lou

 

with love & compassion

...I know there's pain

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Sometimes a new start, new goals and dreams to work towards is the best medicine. Life is worth living because the tough times don't last...sooner or later your life will be on the upswing again.