Right guys, anyone stuck with moving on - lets get it cracked once and for all.

[matador1972]

Ive really been struggling with moving on, i guess a lot of people have, we dont want to, but we need to. Please add any helpful hints you have to help you do it.

 

Of course in some cases they do come back, what im working on just now is thinking of that, and actually how it would make me feel.

 

After seeing someone else, if she came back tomorrow could i trust her again? Could i trust that her relationship has ended? Would i feel insecure that she would leave again (she has history of doing it before). Really how did she make me feel?

 

Trust would take a long long time to rebuild, when we got back together the first time it took me a good year to not think she would do it again, i was very clingy during that time and id assume the same feelings would come back.

 

Really how did she make me feel? I loved her, i still love her, but i never got back from her what i put in, and because of the type of person she was, that would probably not change that much.

 

Life was quite dull for the most part, goto work, come home, she would be out 3 or 4 nights a week working, i didnt get that much time to spend good quality time with her anyway, why would i want to go back to that?

 

What else can i do to make me realise I actually am better off without her and its her loss, im relatively okay now, still have the odd feelings of panic and being alone but i dont cry much anymore, but id like to be able to tellmyself and believe it that i dont want her back.

[petite]

I wish I had some good advice for you, because I'm stuck in a situation where he wants to leave and I'm clinging onto every little bit I can and i know it's just making it worse.

 

Personally and from my own experience, once it's broken it's never really the same. The rare occasion, I'm sure some people make it and are better than ever but majority never really work and eventually either end up miserable together or break up for good and don't look back.

 

I don't believe in breaks or going back to ex's. Because if something broken, you should fix it right away. Others have a different opinion, but we're all different and what works for some people doesn't work for others.

 

Best you can do for yourself now is, try and get out, be more active. I have lost a lot of friends during my relationship, because I made him a priority and I know that was a big mistake, I need to find a way to reconcile with my friends. So if something similar happened to you, then find a way to get out with friends, enjoy yourself. Join a gym, go for a run.

I know it's hard to even get out some days, but unless you help yourself, no one else will help you.

 

Good luck.

[matador1972]

I believe the same, it wasnt the same when she came back the last time and it would be even worse this time.

 

I have done a lot of work on myself, therapy, lost 30lbs got a great relationship with my kids, theres been tons of benefits from it happening.

[nothanks]

i have tried it - several times - this business of taking the person back after they cheated.

 

I think in order for it to work, the person would have to be getting therapy, examining themselves to figure out what motivates them to cheat repeatedly. Maybe go to Sex Addicts Anonymous meetings, and be totally transparent with their computer, cell phone, whereabouts, etc. Even more, the person has to be willing to put up with the pain and processing it takes for you to build trust again.

 

In my experience, when I've tried it the person has never truly tried to change. They might see themselves clearly for a short time - and feel pain and regret. But their defenses build back up, and they start blaming me again, and start rationalizing their behavior. And suddenly, things just feel wrong again, and I would start suspecting that it was all starting up again. And I was always right.

 

I've thrown away years of my life trying to build trust, feeling bad for my suspicions, being told I'm too emotional, etc. only to find out in the end that the cheating never really stopped. I've done this in two relationships.

 

The only answer is to find something that makes sense to you - counseling, a group, a book, a website, and start figuring out why you want to hold on to someone who hurt you.

 

For me, it seems to have all started in childhood. I got used to only being loved or cared for sometimes. I got used to accepting that sort of behavior, so in relationships as an adult, I accepted poor treatment, as well. I got addicted to the desire to be loved by someone who kept pulling away.

 

I need to learn that loneliness is a passing feeling. It will be gone the next day. Or soon. I need to stop pouring energy into that lost cause.

 

You deserve to be treated well. Can you figure out why you would still miss someone who treated you so poorly?

 

Logically looking at the relationship and how much it hurt you, taking action in other areas of your life so you don't have time to miss her, setting small goals and achieving them, finding activities that please you and have nothing to do with her, making new friends. These all seem like little things, but they help.

 

For me, I've gotten to a point of peace and strength many times. And then I let him come over, or he calls and I answer, or he texts and I answer. And all my hard work is wasted. I'm back in the pit of missing him and that pit lasts and lasts. It's so hard to get out of.

 

We have to believe in ourselves, in our value, enough to act like a tough personal trainer. Force ourselves to counter every sad feeling with one of reality, force ourselves to try new things or finish projects that are lying undone. Etc.

 

Does any of that make sense?

[Nickk]

How long have you been broken up for matador?

[matador1972]

How long have you been broken up for matador?

 

Coming up for 10 weeks now.

[Nickk]

ok, fair enough, im in the second week. And im kinda torn because i do want her back because i only think of the goodtimes, it is easy to forget that it actually wasnt that nice a relationship to be in, kinda treated me like crap, so yeah i know what ya feeling kinda, except she wont talk to me at all.

[matador1972]

I wish mine wouldnt talk to me, its the total opposite, she texted me today to moan that she was woken up by a courier with a parcel and it wasnt even for her.

 

Im just going back into LC, ill respond to anything she sends to me about the kids, but anything else im going to body swerve, ive told her i need to know by xmas whether she wants to work on a resolution or making it permenant, hopefully the new year will bring a new start.

[donpeel83]

ok, fair enough, im in the second week. And im kinda torn because i do want her back because i only think of the goodtimes, it is easy to forget that it actually wasnt that nice a relationship to be in, kinda treated me like crap, so yeah i know what ya feeling kinda, except she wont talk to me at all.

 

I feel your pain. I had quite a horrible 2 year relationship with my ex in that she was emotionally abusive, always ran me down etc and cheated on me too. But, in the early days after the split all i thought about was the good ole times, not the bad. Still, to this day at times i struggle to remember her true evil ways. However, i then found she started her cheating up with her current guy so that helped me to remember that she is just a dirty scrubber and the village bike.

 

Its hard to focus on the bad when your down. Give it time and eventually you wont care about them.

[u4me]

Moving on...what a process. My ex believes he can come back to me when (not if) he and his current GF end it. And, that day may be closing in. But, I don't want to be with someone if I'm their second choice. And, I trusted him completely. If we got back together I'd always be wondering when he was going to turn my life upside down again. I can't even visualize what our first day together would be like. I would pommel him with questions. I wouldn't want to make love to him knowing he's been with her. How could it ever work? I don't think it could. That's what's getting me by. Weird, I know. BTW, my relationship was only 10 months long and we split 14 months ago

[matador1972]

Moving on...what a process. My ex believes he can come back to me when (not if) he and his current GF end it. And, that day may be closing in. But, I don't want to be with someone if I'm their second choice. And, I trusted him completely. If we got back together I'd always be wondering when he was going to turn my life upside down again. I can't even visualize what our first day together would be like. I would pommel him with questions. I wouldn't want to make love to him knowing he's been with her. How could it ever work? I don't think it could. That's what's getting me by. Weird, I know. BTW, my relationship was only 10 months long and we split 14 months ago

 

Thats actually what ive been trying to focus on today, thinking how i would feel after the initial rush of being back together, could i realistically let go of anything she has done in our time apart? It would eat away at me and make me insecure and jealous, i just know this, would i ever trust her again? It would be immensely hard to do so, as its the second time she has gone. I struggle to think of good reasons why i want her back, and the only thing i keep coming back to is familiarity, its knowing that id be in a safe environment, im outside my comfort zone right now by a huge margin and i think its this i miss more than her, i need to focus on realising this to move forward.

[tuesday]

I dunno if this would be any help for you. To me it seems moving on is extremely difficult. But what if you viewed moving on as a way of getting your ex-back. Atleast having that mindset right now would be helpful at first until you finally do start moving on. I've been reading a book called "how to heal a broken heart in 30 days" I dont know if you heard of it. It's a really good book. And everytime I read it, I feel so much better. Even a couple of minutes prior to replying to this post I was feeling really down and I just read a couple of passages and now I feel better. So this could be another proactive to move to healing with your realization.

[jbrooklyn]

Moving on...what a process. My ex believes he can come back to me when (not if) he and his current GF end it. And, that day may be closing in. But, I don't want to be with someone if I'm their second choice. And, I trusted him completely. If we got back together I'd always be wondering when he was going to turn my life upside down again. I can't even visualize what our first day together would be like. I would pommel him with questions. I wouldn't want to make love to him knowing he's been with her. How could it ever work? I don't think it could. That's what's getting me by. Weird, I know. BTW, my relationship was only 10 months long and we split 14 months ago

 

this sounds like you are going to be hurt again. KNOWing you are the second choice? Guess what? I think you are going to become 2nd choice again. dont do it to yourself. You are not his life jacket. You deserve the best not what's left

[u4me]

I know. I'm trying to prepare for the inevitable. It just wouldn't work. Maybe he knows that, too and I'll never have to make the hard decision and say 'no'.