Have I vented lately about how much I hate dating?

[AuthenticAuthor]

For me, dating is an enjoyable mutual learning experience, and I prefer to make that known to my date before we proceed further. No more, no less. It is not courtship, which is another beast altogether. The problem as I see it today is that dating is poorly defined by most people, and so plenty of maddening confusion ensues. So many people "date" without really knowing that it dating is.

 

So with that, I share waveseer's frustration somewhat. I'm tired of "dating" as undefined garblygook; I'd much rather go out on an actual date. I'd much rather live my life.

[waveseer]

For me, dating is an enjoyable mutual learning experience, and I prefer to make that known to my date before we proceed further. No more, no less. It is not courtship, which is another beast altogether. The problem as I see it today is that dating is poorly defined by most people, and so plenty of maddening confusion ensues. So many people "date" without really knowing that it dating is.

 

So with that, I share waveseer's frustration somewhat. I'm tired of "dating" as undefined garblygook; I'd much rather go out on an actual date. I'd much rather live my life.

 

I like to live my life while on a date meaning sharing a meal, engaging in one of our hobbies, etc. I actually find the really formal dates quite artificial. How am I supposed to get to know someone when we're both semi-formally attired, clean behind the ears, and on our best behavior? I am a professional, but primarily a mom and as much as I like going out on the town (about four times a year) my regular life is much less formal.

[AuthenticAuthor]

I like to live my life while on a date meaning sharing a meal, engaging in one of our hobbies, etc. I actually find the really formal dates quite artificial. How am I supposed to get to know someone when we're both semi-formally attired, clean behind the ears, and on our best behavior? I am a professional, but primarily a mom and as much as I like going out on the town (about four times a year) my regular life is much less formal.

 

Well, the good news is that everyone has the freedom to shape their courtship however they want. If that means doing things informally and straight-to-the-point, I'm sure it's quite possible for two people to do just that. It would just be very difficult to find someone who's willing to do this, since most people prefer to be informal to those they know very well. Formality is generally behavior reserved for universal interactions, and so is seen as a necessary starting point for relationships.

 

Maybe it's a good thing most people prefer the "semi-formally attired, clean behind the ears, and on our bet behavior" kind of courtship. I shudder to think of all the informal stuff that could happen between perfect strangers who haven't laid down their boundaries yet.

[waveseer]

Well, the good news is that everyone has the freedom to shape their courtship however they want. If that means doing things informally and straight-to-the-point, I'm sure it's quite possible for two people to do just that. It would just be very difficult to find someone who's willing to do this, since most people prefer to be informal to those they know very well. Formality is generally behavior reserved for universal interactions, and so is seen as a necessary starting point for relationships.

 

Maybe it's a good thing most people prefer the "semi-formally attired, clean behind the ears, and on our bet behavior" kind of courtship. I shudder to think of all the informal stuff that could happen between perfect strangers who haven't laid down their boundaries yet.

 

I don't know how old you are, but after 40 or at least by 45 all the pomp and pretense has pretty much worn itself out. Genuine people are much more frank about their boundaries and communication becomes much more fluid and rewarding even if no relationship ensues.

[BriarRose]

If you are a perfectly nice man, kind, honest, responsible, and fun-loving then don't keep the woman you are interested in waiting because if she's anything like me she finds the entire process ultimately frustrating!

..

Chances are, that guy won't be on-line.

I agree with you 100% and can't fathom why on-line dating is so popular. Sure it's easy to meet a higher quantity of people, but not a lot of quality men on-line, IMO. And it does bring out that "kid in a candy store" mentality (for both men and women), and I really want no part of that.

[littleBudgie]

My only advice to help out here is to keep on dating but keeping contact with all of these other guys on a friendship level. life shifts, and it may click with them down the road.

 

If you look like you are having fun - and confident - they start to notice

[waveseer]

..

Chances are, that guy won't be on-line.

I agree with you 100% and can't fathom why on-line dating is so popular. Sure it's easy to meet a higher quantity of people, but not a lot of quality men on-line, IMO. And it does bring out that "kid in a candy store" mentality (for both men and women), and I really want no part of that.

 

I agree wholeheartedly!

[waveseer]

My only advice to help out here is to keep on dating but keeping contact with all of these other guys on a friendship level. life shifts, and it may click with them down the road.

 

If you look like you are having fun - and confident - they start to notice

 

This is good advice, and the best confidence boost is having enough interesting things to do to be happy on my own.

[AuthenticAuthor]

I don't know how old you are, but after 40 or at least by 45 all the pomp and pretense has pretty much worn itself out.

 

I wonder what would happen if you found a naturally "pomp and pretense" sort of individual? How would you react? Just curious.

[waveseer]

I wonder what would happen if you found a naturally "pomp and pretense" sort of individual? How would you react? Just curious.

 

He would have to be very persistent as I would likely doubt our chances of having very much in common.

[servedcold]

He would have to be very persistent as I would likely doubt our chances of having very much in common.

 

Does persistence ever work, or rather has it worked on you? Just asking because it has never worked for me, if she isn't at all interested in me, I tend to lose interest quickly and move on to next. A friend, though, will bang a woman's phone all day and chase until she falls in love with him, he is very successful with women.

 

Several of my friends basically cajoled/bullied/entrapped their wives into marriages that are happy years later, so I wonder if I'm missing out by not being more persistent in the face of initial nonchalance on her part.

[pinkelephant]

Does persistence ever work, or rather has it worked on you? Just asking because it has never worked for me, if she isn't at all interested in me, I tend to lose interest quickly and move on to next. A friend, though, will bang a woman's phone all day and chase until she falls in love with him, he is very successful with women.

 

Several of my friends basically cajoled/bullied/entrapped their wives into marriages that are happy years later, so I wonder if I'm missing out by not being more persistent in the face of initial nonchalance on her part.

 

Some girls like to be/needs to be convinced. The trick (in my opinion) is to figure out what kind of girl she is and strategize your courting according to that. I'm one of those girls, but it depends on the guy too. Some guys would definitely have won me over if they had put more effort. Some guys would make me even more upset if they push the topic further. Some guys just have to look my way and I'm theirs. It depends...

 

Btw, waveseer, I was joking about the arrange marriage thing. Lol, I will soon join your frustrating dating scene. Too much harassment from everyone around me for being single for almost 2 yrs. And I'd like a boyfriend now too.

[BriarRose]

Does persistence ever work, or rather has it worked on you? Just asking because it has never worked for me, if she isn't at all interested in me, I tend to lose interest quickly and move on to next. A friend, though, will bang a woman's phone all day and chase until she falls in love with him, he is very successful with women.

 

Several of my friends basically cajoled/bullied/entrapped their wives into marriages that are happy years later, so I wonder if I'm missing out by not being more persistent in the face of initial nonchalance on her part.

..

Hmm. I think abandonment of pursuit of a woman who shows little interest in you seems healthy, IMO.

[waveseer]

Does persistence ever work, or rather has it worked on you? Just asking because it has never worked for me, if she isn't at all interested in me, I tend to lose interest quickly and move on to next. A friend, though, will bang a woman's phone all day and chase until she falls in love with him, he is very successful with women.

 

Several of my friends basically cajoled/bullied/entrapped their wives into marriages that are happy years later, so I wonder if I'm missing out by not being more persistent in the face of initial nonchalance on her part.

 

I think I meant diligent more than persistent. I meant that he would have to be as much more sure he wanted me as I was unsure I wanted him. It would take some convincing. I like to think I am a reasonable person and if he had good reasons why we were compatible I would weigh them fairly.

[nutbrownhare]

Does persistence ever work, or rather has it worked on you? Just asking because it has never worked for me, if she isn't at all interested in me, I tend to lose interest quickly and move on to next. A friend, though, will bang a woman's phone all day and chase until she falls in love with him, he is very successful with women.

 

Several of my friends basically cajoled/bullied/entrapped their wives into marriages that are happy years later, so I wonder if I'm missing out by not being more persistent in the face of initial nonchalance on her part.

This is an interesting question; I guess it depends. I've posted elsewhere on here about this being a man-free zone for me until the new year, for various reasons, but I've been successfully courted by a guy who initially contacted me because of professional interests in common. The correspondence gradually got more and more personal, with all the in-jokes and stuff that I'd normally have in a relationship, a couple of meetings in company which included other people and then he emailed to say that he thought that there was more to our relationship than just good friends and did I want to take it further ...

 

We're taking things really slowly, but I got the impression he was genuinely interested in me as a person and it was months before he made a move. If he had come on strong in the early days I'd have resisted totally.

[servedcold]

I like to think I am a reasonable person and if he had good reasons why we were compatible I would weigh them fairly.

 

A surfer girl could not possibly be that analytical, you don't go with the flow, dude?

 

I'm toying with the idea of going out til I find a woman who loathes me from the get-go to do a sociological experiment with this "diligent" stuff.

 

Will someone agree to bail me out after the experiment?

[waveseer]

A surfer girl could not possibly be that analytical, you don't go with the flow, dude?

 

I'm toying with the idea of going out til I find a woman who loathes me from the get-go to do a sociological experiment with this "diligent" stuff.

 

Will someone agree to bail me out after the experiment?

 

Surfing requires constant analysis, alertness, responsiveness, and relaxation all at the same time. No mystery there. Listening to others and understanding them IS going with the flow, dude.

 

If a woman loathes you, that is a GREAT sign! It means she has strong feelings for you. Beware of the woman who merely has a lackluster, "Oh, hi.", when you call.

 

Hopefully, ena will always be here to bail you out. lol

[servedcold]

The correspondence gradually got more and more personal, with all the in-jokes and stuff that I'd normally have in a relationship, a couple of meetings in company which included other people and then he emailed to say that he thought that there was more to our relationship than just good friends and did I want to take it further ...

 

What timeframe we talking here? If I don't see any buying signals in the first couple of weeks, I just go around town calling her a lesbian for awhile then move on.

 

Were you at all predisposed to him? If not, at what point in the dialogue did you start to feel some friskiness?

[servedcold]

Surfing requires constant analysis, alertness, responsiveness, and relaxation all at the same time.

 

Sounds kind of like doing body shots.

 

 

No mystery there. Listening to others and understanding them IS going with the flow, dude.

 

Do you find these men you are dating are good at that? the listening/understainding part, or is this part of the dating annoyance you are experiencing? If a man was obviously "attuned" but just not calling more than once every couple of weeks to ask you out, would he get some slack for his attunedness? Or is the lukewarmness you are talking about a matter of raw amount of contact?

 

If a woman loathes you, that is a GREAT sign! It means she has strong feelings for you.

 

Dunno about this. I'm generally well-liked by women, personally and sexually (after the body shots), but every once in awhile I run accross a woman who actively detests me, yet hardly knows me at the same time, and makes her dislike obvious, looking at me as if I have just flashed a nursing home (and that couldn't be it because I always wear a mask). These are smitten you say? Hmm.

[waveseer]

Sounds kind of like doing body shots.

 

You gave me a clue below, but I am still a little unclear..what exactly is a "body shot"?

 

 

Do you find these men you are dating are good at that? the listening/understainding part, or is this part of the dating annoyance you are experiencing? If a man was obviously "attuned" but just not calling more than once every couple of weeks to ask you out, would he get some slack for his attunedness? Or is the lukewarmness you are talking about a matter of raw amount of contact?

 

 

There can be any number of acceptable (and unacceptable) reasons for a man to move the ball forward at a pace I find frustrating. I like contact a few times a week and a date once a week to start. I think you will find most women like at least that much.

 

 

 

Dunno about this. I'm generally well-liked by women, personally and sexually (after the body shots), but every once in awhile I run accross a woman who actively detests me, yet hardly knows me at the same time, and makes her dislike obvious, looking at me as if I have just flashed a nursing home (and that couldn't be it because I always wear a mask). These are smitten you say? Hmm.

 

Let me explain. Just like bad press is still press to a public figure, a negative reaction is still a reaction from a member of your preferred gender. And if that is a Nixon mask then I've seen you there.

[servedcold]

You gave me a clue below, but I am still a little unclear..what exactly is a "body shot"?

 

Haha, to your credit that you don't know. Tequila shot + cleavage or belly button should give you enough data.

 

There can be any number of acceptable (and unacceptable) reasons for a man to move the ball forward at a pace I find frustrating. I like contact a few times a week and a date once a week to start. I think you will find most women like at least that much.

 

Most reasonable, what exactly do you mean by "to start?" first date? after the third date?

 

Let me explain. Just like bad press is still press to a public figure, a negative reaction is still a reaction from a member of your preferred gender. And if that is a Nixon mask then I've seen you there.

 

Those masks are too easy to pull off, even by someone in a wheelchair, always use a stocking for high misdemeanors or felonies.

[waveseer]

Haha, to your credit that you don't know. Tequila shot + cleavage or belly button should give you enough data.

 

Oh yeah, I saw that in the movie "Point Break". haha

 

 

Most reasonable, what exactly do you mean by "to start?" first date? after the third date?

 

When both people realize there is going to be more than one date.

 

 

Those masks are too easy to pull off, even by someone in a wheelchair, always use a stocking for high misdemeanors or felonies.

 

Well, then you must be the guy Mr. Nixon mask was referring to when he said, "Don't be fooled by that stocking-faced fellow, there can be only one!"

 

lol

[nutbrownhare]

What timeframe we talking here? If I don't see any buying signals in the first couple of weeks, I just go around town calling her a lesbian for awhile then move on.

 

Were you at all predisposed to him? If not, at what point in the dialogue did you start to feel some friskiness?

 

Four months in the friskiness reared its lively head, prior to that purely intellectual and platonic, m'lud. On my side at least. At first the friskiness was confined to ... yep ... definitely a thrill when our hands met accidentally whilst holding a map.

 

However, all was confined to polite conversation and suchlike until one evening he told me he was very shy and then gathered me passionately into his arms.

 

Mind you, we're probably ANCIENT compared to you, and haven't got the energy to rush things any more. Neither of us is a lesbian.

[servedcold]

Mind you, we're probably ANCIENT compared to you, and haven't got the energy to rush things any more. Neither of us is a lesbian.

 

Bet I'm older than you are The "lesbian" comment was just my malformed sense of humor at play, based on guys I know/have known who automatically assume that a woman who doesn't respond to them is a lesbian to assuage their egos.

[nutbrownhare]

Bet I'm older than you are The "lesbian" comment was just my malformed sense of humor at play, based on guys I know/have known who automatically assume that a woman who doesn't respond to them is a lesbian to assuage their egos.

Go on then ... you go first ... how old are you? And the 'lesbian' comment in your original post really made me chuckle ... I took it in exactly the spirit in which it was meant!