I am in hell

[PatientZero]

It's been 3 months now since I was dumped - by a girl who I was only dating for a couple of months (and it only really got serious at the end).

 

The thing is, this was the only girl I've fallen in love with for the last 8 years - and when it's that rare... well let me put it this way:

 

There's a quote from Shakespeare: "There is a tide in the affairs of men, which taken leads on to fortune. Omitted, all the voyage of their life is bound in shallows and in miseries."

 

I've missed the tide.

 

I was so crazy about her that when we were going out I was telling her I love her all the time - I just couldn't help it... She was the perfect girl for me... she was sensational. So then, when she broke it off, here is what she said:

 

" I am also really uncomfortable with you telling me

you love me all the time though you hardly know me at all.

I already told you that I need a lot of time,

and you didn't seem to need that at all, which I feel is

strange. You told me you have had me on your mind for a

while, but you didn't really seem to be interested in what

kind of person I really am. You seemed to be so focussed on

making this work forever without giving it any time to grow

at all. "

 

And while some of that is not true (I really was interested in the sort of person she really was - but somehow she didn't get that impression)... but she was right about the other stuff.

 

So now I cannot objectively bring myself to believe that things could not have worked out...

 

My friends agreed and I have to admit, if I just met some girl who started to tell me she loved me after only a couple of weeks, I would be scared off too! My reasoning was because I had thought that she liked it when I was so "earnest" and so I even over-played it a bit - and made a point of telling her I love her! I figured that I was offering her "unconditional love" and so thereforeeee she wouldn't feel any pressure... but clearly she did. We never even got a £"$ing CHANCE to see if things could work. So basically, I blew the opportunity of my life, and I know it.

 

The thing is, I just had no idea it was coming. She lives out of town, and so we could only see each other on weekends - but she was texting me every day, and we were emailing each other, and everything seemed OK... until suddenly, I got the above email...

 

I've been trying the no-contact thing... but I don't think it's working...

She contacted me a couple of weeks after the "dumping" mail, with the known "lame" excuse that she still had my house key, and offered to "just be friends" and maybe we could meet up again some time... and I said no, because I couldn't just be a friend... (well, I know I couldn't handle being her friend while she dated someone else) but now I think... if only I had said yes and just been her friend and kept things casual, maybe now there would be more of a foundation for things...

 

Every time something good happens to me, I think about how much better it would have been to share it with her, and I get depressed again... Every time I meet some other girl, I realize that she just doesn't compare to this girl.

 

Needless to say, when something bad happens I also get depressed... I cannot get her out of my head - she was the world to me.

 

The worst is when people ask me how I am going and I feel I just have to make up some glib offhand remark - in reality... I am in hell... I'm not supposed to be this devastated, but I am. I read all the other postings on this page and they are all from people who dated someone for 6 months, or 3 years or whatever - I didn't even get a complete month before it self destructed! That just makes it all the more pathetic and abnormal.

 

Because I had no idea it was coming, and it was so sudden, I don't know how I will ever be able to bring myself to expose myself to this again. I've been so hurt by this, I do not honestly believe I will love someone again. I feel like my life is over now. Nothing has any meaning to me anymore... I am not inspired at work anymore, but I don't even know what else I would rather do.

 

I even realise that in this state, I wouldn't be able to win her back even if she was having second thoughts... because my life is so empty... I wouldn't be attractive to her anyway.

 

So what the !£"$!%£ do I do?

[LordWeymont]

Dude...

 

being dumped is the worst! We have all been there. It's good for you to admit your faults. The next step is to move on. Admitting your mistakes and then saying to yourself, "hey next time I won't do this and that." Kinda like a video game. You die in one area of the game and say to yourself: make sure I remember to avoid that menacing moment in the next time.

 

 

You are hurting because you cared very much for the girl and that is natural. It is also natural for you focus on the bad and the good... keep doing that to an extent. I mean, you have to move on... right?

 

 

You said she was an opportunity of a lifetime... well, this is when I say "there are a million fish in the sea." It's a cliche yet so very true.

 

 

Here: think about it this way... by you realizing the mistakes you committed ... think about how different the next relationship will be because you know not what to do....... Just because she does not want to be with you...does not mean you suck as a person... just means she is not the one for you at that moment in time. Could it work one day? Who knows! The only way you will find out is looking forward to the good things in the near future... get back to your single-life routine... obviously you know how to meet girls, so get back into the game after you feel as if you can open up again for another round of this thing we call a relationship.

 

 

 

Out.

CW.

[Hopingpraying]

Patient,

 

I do feel your pain, however, I think you fell harder for this girl then she wanted you too. I think you came off being needy to her, and theres nothing that pushes a girl away faster then a man that is needy. It doesn't make them feel secure. And woman want a protector.

I know you felt like you were doing everything you could to give her the perfect relationship, but I think the truth is woman get bored with perfect, thats why so many woman are attracted to men that are "Bad boys"

I don't think your ready to be friends with her, you would just keep pushing her away because you would be hanging on her every action seeing any type of friendly contact as a possibility of continuing the relationship. That wouldn't be healthy for you or her. You need to take this time to heal yourself.

Getting your heart broken hurts if it is a one month relationship or a nine year relationship. It might take a bit longer to get over the nine year one, but initially the hurt is still the same. Being rejected sucks, there are no two ways about it.

I am not sure why you fell so hard for this girl, but learn from this. If you put your feelings out there that quickly you are bound to get hurt. Take things slow next time. A month is hardly enough time to know whether you truly are in love with someone so refrain from telling anyone that so quickly. You will meet another, grow from this!!

 

My two cents.

[jasminebose]

Hi

I wanted to give you a girls perspective on it- I think hoping and praying is right- a girl doesn't want someone who appears to need her too much! Its flattering if someone genuinely wants to be around you all the time and finds you interesting but it may appear weird to a girl if a guy acts like that after only dating for a week or two. I know it must be hard if you feel head over heels in love but next time (or this time if there is a chance you can re-start a friendship with her) try and at least pretend you don't worship her!

Maybe she is afraid that if you put her on a pedastel that she will disappoint you and won't be able to live up to this fantasy image you have of her as a 'perfect girlfriend'. It seems to me that you have maybe seen something you like/love in this girl and because you really wanted her to be your ideal woman you have imagined that she is everything you could want when the reality might be different. Even if there was a 'perfect partner' for you she would still have irritating habits! Maybe in time you will gain greater perspective on the situation.

Good luck,

JZ

[debisfun]

It sounds like you fell more for the "fantasy" of what the relationship could have been, rather than the actual reality of what the relationship was at the moment.

 

A great book for you to read is "He's Scared, She's Scared". It will help you identify the traits you have in yourself so you don't repeat them in the future.

 

Stick with the No Contact. You need to get healthy before you attempt any other relationship (either with her or someone else). You also need to TRY to focus on other things other than "what might have been".

 

Believe me, I know it's hard. I'm struggling with similiar issues ---- I'm hoping I can take my own advice!

[PatientZero]

Hi,

Thanks so much for your responses. I think I can explain a few more things.

 

I think part of the reason I was so crazy about this girl was because when I first met her, I was only visiting the country (the UK)... I had been trying to decide whether to move here permanently from the States or go back to Australia... when I met this wonderful person, it tipped the balance and helped me decide to move here in the first place. That was actually about 2 years ago and we had only been keeping in contact via email up till then... but anyway, that is why the whole thing took on so much more significance for me... I might never have moved here if I had not met her.

 

But you know - it had a lot of significance for her too. She was also not from the UK and was trying to decide even currently whether she wanted to stay or move back to her country...

 

Oh, and I was also crazy about her because she was gorgeous, intelligent, scarcastic, passionate, kind-hearted, sincere. I always felt like I knew what she was feeling (guess not eh?).

 

The other thing was, I had been deliberately quite casual on the few dates we had gone on originally - because I "knew" not to put pressure on her. Then, over the Christmas break she grew more distant... and finally when I next asked her out she said no - "some other time"... so it was already bust at a certain point... So it was at that point that I figured I had nothing to lose, and so I told her how I really felt about her. I didn't tell her I loved her at that point - but I said other stuff... I explained the thing about moving countries, and what a wonderful person I thought she was.

 

At the time, I figured I was actually ending it... because I knew the "rules" that you're not supposed to be too intense - but I figured I needed the closure at that point.

 

The crazy thing was, it was _that_ that won her over. So I then went and took the catastrophic wrong lesson from that... I thought what she liked about me was precisely the fact that I _did_ have these intense feelings about her!

 

Now, to be honest, I don't really understand what she liked about me at all... and that's probably the root of the problem. I know what I liked about her, but I was just so scared of screwing it up that I didn't dare ask her what it was she liked about me... so screwed it up anyway.

 

It just seems crazy to lose someone for telling them that you love them... I never thought I would lose her that way.

 

It all just keeps going round and round and round and round in my head... "what if I had done X? Was it because I didn't do Y?". I cannot ever take a good lesson from it because I still do not really know how it was - it keeps changing in my mind as I remember some incidents and forget about others. It is all such a waste of time, but I cannot stop myself.

 

You know, there has to be a last time for everything before you die - my mother divorced my dad about 20 years ago - and he never ended up seriously with anyone else. I finally have some understanding of what it must have done to him. Nobody knows why we fall in love anyway - thereforeeee, how can anyone say for sure that "you'll find someone else?".

 

What seems far more likely to me is that I'll just end up settling for someone I don't really love ... someone maybe not quite so passionate, or quite so full of life, or quite so beautiful... Or worse yet... I'll be like that poncy french guy in "Private Benjamin" who wanted to marry Goldie Hawn, but only because she was something like his true love.

 

Wandering miserably in the shallows,

PatientZero

 

P.S. OK I know I am over-dramatizing this... compared to the suffering in other parts of the world I know my troubles are trivial... but man this does suck.

[kaboom1218]

This will help jump-start you in the right direction. Also, I agree w/some of the other posts that say maybe you weren't really in-love, just in-love w/the idea of love or being in a relationship. Because sometimes it does take longer to "fall" and also, if it's not mutual, it's really hard to call it love I think. Well, just read my earlier post and hope that helps