Pride, and how to move past grudges smoothly

[Lucy__lou]

So I'm quite the grudge bearer. If someone disrespects me, I find it hard to drop the grudge. Especially if their disrespect is played out in a damaging way.

 

I'm interested in hearing from other people who have grudge bearing tendencies, and what kind of thought processes people have used to move beyond the grudge, without giving up their dignity.

 

I realise that some people are better at this than others. People who don't have huge egos seem to manage better. but for me, I have a largeish ego, and a lot of pride. I also have a history of being ridiculed and disrespected, so this stuff affects me a lot.

 

So far, the things I tell myself to get beyond grudges are:

 

- Focus on the people who are nice, and reduce energy directed at people who are negative towards you.

- Focus on where you want to go, not on the obstacle to where you want to go.

- There will always be negative people who want to put you down, at least if they've drawn your attention to themselves, you know not to give them your energy. Better that than if they'd disrespected you covertly.

 

so that's a few messages I tell myself to reduce the power these people have on me, but I need more. So please, if you have any positive things I can say to myself to diminish the power of negative people, that would be great.

 

 

thanks

[-Sanguine-]

Think of yourself. I find that holding grudges makes me feel emotionally ill and "heavy"; not holding grudges is like a weight being lifted off my shoulders. It also makes me feel like I'm taking the high road by forgiving someone.

[LightbulbSun]

Being forgiving is really the best way to go. There will always be cruel people in the world, but you have to pray for those people, because they will never know love.

[mad rabbits]

I relate to your post, I am very much like this too.

 

Holding grudges isn't good but we should never forget when someone disrespects us because therein lies the lesson and the wisdom to drive smarter choices in the future (who we give our time and our hearts to)

 

I don't think it is necessary to forgive, but it is necessary to move on, once the lesson is taken. Because to hold grudges is to waste emotional energy that is best expended on positive things.

[Lucy__lou]

I've never really understood the idea of forgiving people who continue to harm you. It seems to me that to forgive someone while they continue to harm you sends a message to them that you accept their treatment of you. That you are telling them you believe that you deserve it.

[mad rabbits]

It seems to me that to forgive someone while they continue to harm you sends a message to them that you accept their treatment of you. That you are telling them you believe that you deserve it.

 

Exactly.

 

This why when someone really wrongs me I clear them out from my life. It's not about punishment but it does show them that I value myself and will not put up with disrespect and mistreatment. And then I move on, because holding a grudge simply wastes more of my time on that person who has ALREADY wasted so much of my time.

 

The whole philosophy that advocates forgiveness under all circumstances is misguided and unrealistic IMO. If you forgive unconditionally what has anybody - yourself or the offender - learnt from the whole situation? Nothing, that's what.

[doyathink]

I've never been one to hold a grudge. I forgive them for my own peace of mind, and because we're all human, and we all have hurt those around us. How can they forgive me, if I dont forgive others?

 

I may cut them totally out of my life if I feel it has to be done, but I dont hold on to hate, or ill feelings for long. It messes with my mind too much, and takes too much energy. If I simply cut them out of my life, then I dont have to put any thought into them.

[sanadee]

well, no offence, but this is just pseudo-spiritual pap.

 

Yes, life is WAY too short for anger and resentment. But I personally gauge whether to hold a grudge based on the effect the action has on me, who does it (or more accurately, how close the person is to me).

 

I think for major things, resentment NEVER goes away. Think of conflicts that happen in the world, it largely is due to a cycle of revenge, hatred and wrongdoings.

 

But to me, grudge holding is bad, not for the fact it may seem petty and small, but because life is short and should be lived contently. Any second spent angry or resentful is one less happy second.

[greywolf]

hmmm... I'm not really one to hold grudges. If I feel someone has done something wrong towards me, I will be upset about it. But later if I come accross that person again and they seem ok, then I pretty much forget what happened last time.

 

I think it really has to do with how much importance you put on other people and their actions. The more important a person is to you, the more it hurts when they've done something wrong.

[catfeeder]

This is a bit vague and general; might be helpful to consider posting an actual situation you're trying to handle well?

 

Otherwise, best thing I ever learned was how to be stupid and cheerful--not an easy feat for someone who white-knuckled pride until about age 35.

 

Turning stupid around people who bug you is like wearing Teflon--nothing sticks, so it can't penetrate. It's not about responding to insulting things but rather failing to recognize them in the first place.

 

Chances are, I'm probably less important to someone who'd insult me than I realize (being the center of the universe, and all) so it's pretty easy to get a pass for not noticing a slight. This positions another to go out of their way and work extremely hard to insult you, and it allows them to look like an ass if they're willing to do that.

 

Stupidity and cheerfulness wins, every time. You can't fight with someone too unbrilliant to take offense, and it's especially difficult if they're happy while you're miserable. So just be the happy one, and be too dense to find a slight in something that a much smarter person would get worked up about.

 

(BTW--the best managers have learned how to do this around the petty-pool that works for them.)

 

In your corner.

[citymouse]

I also have a history of being ridiculed and disrespected, so this stuff affects me a lot.

 

 

 

Welcome to the grudge club. I am a charter member.

 

I don't think it has much to do with ego. I think it has much more to do with being extra sensitive to bullies and having a deep sense of fairness and right vs. wrong.

 

It pisses me off to no end when people trample all over my feelings. I've been bullied numerous times through the years in various situations, including a former employer, a former boyfriend, etc.

 

It was a very damaging experience for me cumulatively and it affected my self esteem.

 

Over the years as I've distanced myself from those toxic situations, the grudge has given way to acceptance.

 

I finally had to accept that I couldn't change those people. I could only change the way I take steps to protect myself from them. And just to lower my expectations of what they are capable of giving me.

 

That's when the grudge loses a lot of its power. But yeah, I still deal with the grudge sometimes. I am a typical stubborn Irish lady and I think that also has something to do with it, LOL.

[sanadee]

i think grudge holding also is about a lack of healthy coping skills. part of mental health is resilience, and the ability to say "screw them" when something happens.

 

I think everybody likes to be well-treated, in some sense. but recognising that not everybody will be good to you is IMO a healthy mode of thinking to employ.

[citymouse]

i think grudge holding also is about a lack of healthy coping skills. part of mental health is resilience, and the ability to say "screw them" when something happens.

 

I think everybody likes to be well-treated, in some sense. but recognising that not everybody will be good to you is IMO a healthy mode of thinking to employ.

 

 

 

Wow. I agree with you. That is a GREAT point and that honestly had never occurred to me. Thank you for pointing that out. It sounds like a much more healthy approach than hanging onto grudges.

[quirky]

When it comes to holding grudges I believe it stems from a need for control and need for fairness. Often something happened at a younger age that you didn't have control over that felt very unfair. On a deep level you somehow then want to punish these people or you hate them for repeating what once happened. It creates resentment. It also keeps us in a childlike state of believing we're owed something because we're good..(that something we didn't get from the past unfair act) It can go, but it takes work.

[mad rabbits]

When it comes to holding grudges I believe it stems from a need for control and need for fairness. Often something happened at a younger age that you didn't have control over that felt very unfair. On a deep level you somehow then want to punish these people or you hate them for repeating what once happened. It creates resentment.

 

This is very true I think. Explains some of my grudge holding tendencies.