matador1972 Posted October 30, 2009 Share Posted October 30, 2009 Does anyone have any helpful hints to make you realise they are not coming back so you can stop hoping for it to happen? Im living life day by day just hoping that at some point, she will come to her senses and come back to me, but all i am doing is putting off the realisation that she wont come back this time (second time she has left). She is throwing away a good future, our family, because its not what she wants (she's 40 in 6 months, she claims its not a mid life crisis), she has started dating, she's moving on, she hasnt thrown out all hope of a reconciliation but wants 6 months seperated to decide, so im dangling on a string until then, unless i close the door myself. Its nearly 2 months (7 weeks) since it happened and i still feel completely lost and alone. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Just Me85 Posted October 30, 2009 Share Posted October 30, 2009 Hmmm..this is a toughie, when your in the denial phase, you want to believe with every ounce of your being that they will be back and you convince yourself. The truth of the matter is you will never know for sure but you are in a position of power here. At the end of the day she could well come back at a time so far in the future that you are strong enough and happy enough on your own to reject the idea. You may well find that in years to come you do not want to be with her. Isnt that a strange notion?! I know you wont believe me when I say that right now, but I promise you will do sometime in the future. I was exactly where you are in my pain 8 months ago. I believed my ex was my soulmate and that he would come back. But you know what? Time really does heal, I know that that doesnt offer much comfort when you are in this agony but take it from me it does. Your post suggests you have a family with her and so it must be hard because for the sake of your kids you will have to be in some kind of contact (unless of course your kids are adults and able to do as they choose). You may always love her, but is that really a bad thing? She is the mother of your kids so you will always have that bond. The moment I accepted that I may always love him was the moment I was able to let go. Who said we are only allowed to love one person? By accepting that I might never get over it, and accepting the pain, it disappeared. Its like facing your fears. Or standing up to the class bully. Once you acknowledge it you stop being afraid, and you begin to feel free again, and the beauty of it is the rediscovery of you. Its been 8 months for me and I have grabbed every oppotunity by the horns. In the past 8 months I have achieved more than I did in the 2 years I was with him, I know thats not long compared to you, but love is love, it doesnt die for all I know I might still love him when I am 40. But I have full faith that I will also be happy and can and will love another. Also for the record, Ive actually gotten to the point where for all I know he might still come back, but I do not want him. Theres a difference between loving somebody and wanting to be with them. I didnt understand that until now. Best of luck xx Hope I made some sense Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
matador1972 Posted October 30, 2009 Author Share Posted October 30, 2009 That was really helpful, thanks. Yeh we have two girls, 13 and 15, so we do still have to have contact, although we are still going out now and again, we spent the whole weekend together, and i really should have broken contact after the weekend, we had a great time, and we were both down on monday night, but i contacted her on tuesday and ended up crying on the phone to her. We are at a concert together next week, and another the week after, so we still have things planned, but with her dating now (i think she has been out on two dates with the same guy now), then the writing is on the wall anyway. I know i have to accept that she is gone, some days i think i can, days like today i dont think i ever can. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
journeynow Posted October 30, 2009 Share Posted October 30, 2009 Something that helped me was to write a series of unsent letters to him, imagining the shoe was on the other foot and I was feeling the need to leave and he was the one hanging onto hope and sadness. It was a small step for me to do this, but gave me an bit of much needed calm. Having continued contact with her probably adds to the confusion, since she is not entirely gone. You might want a spell of No Contact, to give yourself some space to acknowledge and accept *What Is*. Does anyone have any helpful hints to make you realise they are not coming back so you can stop hoping for it to happen? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nappyloxs Posted October 30, 2009 Share Posted October 30, 2009 I am having a similar problem, but I don't have contact with ex. so I has made it easier (it was her choice). One thing I keep thinking of even though it never clicks with me, is that things happen when you least expect them. I think that is the most important part of NC and moving forward. If you move forward, you there will come a time when you aren't expecting her to come back, and then she will. As much as I hate that saying, it has happened some many times in my life, there must be some truth to it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HighRoad Posted October 31, 2009 Share Posted October 31, 2009 Good thread, I am appreciating reading these comments. I can add my name to the list of "I know he will come back!" people. Blech, I feel so embarrassed saying that but there it is. I have really tried to be open and honest in my feelings, to carry them openly and let them lay bare on the ground. I am also trying to admit to myself, like was posted so beautifully above! that I may always care about this person - and that's ok. There are so many thing s about myself now that i have taken from my time with him; certain ways of speaking, and also ways of being. I have changed my life in incredible ways from having known him. In some ways, he is a part of me now. So, that is a beautiful thing. As much as I can admit I did care for him deeply, that much I feel free to let go. Ok, so it is almost 10 months here and I have had some deep struggles and tears let me tell you. I am sorry to hear about your breakup; I think it is not very nice of her to just leave you all hanging while she goes out and dates. I don't think that is a loving thing to do. Counseling to save or say good bye to the relationship - honoring what you have had together - seems a better way to go. Anyway, it is hard but it can be a period of very deep transformation. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
surfNski Posted October 31, 2009 Share Posted October 31, 2009 I guess I will throw my hat in the ring. I dont know if I honestly think she is coming back or just really hope. I mean she has done NOTHING to give me any hope in fact she has done a pretty good job of giving me no hope. I just cant kick the feeling/want/hope that someday she will realize what she through away and come back. Its just not sane to through away everything we had... Still 5 months and NC from her except for a email she promied me that was not even to me, she sent it a number of people (she blocked the addresses). That made me feel great by the way Man, I hope I can come to my senses one of these days Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
luminousone Posted October 31, 2009 Share Posted October 31, 2009 Great comments -- I have struggled with the same issues! I think that I finally, after 1 1/2 years, started to find myself pining away for my ex, but then when I thought about the logistics of actually getting back together and I realized that I do NOT want to get back together with him intellectually. Emotionally -- yes -- but intellectually No. What I realized in retrospect was that he was telling me with his actions (and inactions) all along that he really did not want to be married to me. I always just thought he was bad at expressing his love, but truly the signs were there right in plain sight. So when I start to pine away, I think to myself that I do not want to go back to that dysfunctionaly and heart breaking relationship we had. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rapunzel Posted October 31, 2009 Share Posted October 31, 2009 matador1972, sorry to hear of your situation. That is really tough and I can't imagine having children with someone and they leave and start dating someone else. I know it happens ALL the time but since I have not married nor had children I can't imagine how difficult that must be. I suppose you can't really have No Contact when you have children together (although I do know people who do it but it seems pretty tough on the kid). People always say 'watch their actions'. She is dating someone and my ex is dating someone. That is action enough for me. He's not calling me, he's not spending time with me - he broke up with me. He's dating, kissing and most likely sleeping with her. Wow, that is a lot of action! I used to think that if I disappeared and had full NC that eventually my ex would contact me....and I do still think this is a possibility but I have let go of any thoughts that he would want to reconcile in a romantic way with me. He would contact me out of curiosity and ego. Maybe after you go to the concert and the other event you have planned, you should really pull away and stop spending time with her. Let her go as much as possible and keep your contact to your fatherly duties with your children. Be cordial but pull away emotionally. Two months is not long at all and most of us still keep hope alive at that point so you are not alone. Good luck and hang in there. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
matador1972 Posted October 31, 2009 Author Share Posted October 31, 2009 Thanks for the responses, all really helpful. When i wrote that yesterday I was feeling extremely low, I ended the day at a girl i have been seeing for a few weeks, we just went shopping for some food, then had a few cigarettes back at her house, and then i chatted to her on the phone for a while, but i had the biggest laugh i think ive had in years, we really click on almost every way, and she is probably a far better match for me than my wife is, it opened my eyes a bit to the fact maybe she wasnt the greatest thing since sliced bread after all. Now this girl really likes me, we have spent a lot of time together over the past few weeks, but i have kept her at arms length, we kiss and cuddle and thats about as far as im prepared to go right now, she is so different from my wife that i cant bear the thought of doing anything more, as if it would be cheating, i suppose in my heart that is how it feels. Anyway, i started the day really low and ended up having a really fun night, the most fun since i split up anyway so its given me a bit of hope, im trying to focus on the negative aspects of our relationship and how she made me feel all the time (like i was never good enough for her), and see how that takes me. Its been an interesting day regardless! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rob1000 Posted October 31, 2009 Share Posted October 31, 2009 From experience, you can't just decide to let go. You don't just wake up one day and let them go. I think with an extended period of NC and healing within yourself you just naturally let them go over time. You don't even realise it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Zerohero Posted October 31, 2009 Share Posted October 31, 2009 Well lets see, They broke up with you Not talking to you NOt talking to you emotionaly Seeing someone else Living life without you Flirty with other people Kissing other people Banging other people Again still not calling or talking to you Usually after a few weeks of this, you will see the truth for what it is, and move on. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
matador1972 Posted October 31, 2009 Author Share Posted October 31, 2009 Well i really wasnt expecting to see her today, but i came home having thought she had collected the kids, but one of my daughters was still here, and she came back for her (she didnt expect me to be here either). She was sitting on the couch and we were talking, after a while she was upset and i asked what was wrong, she didnt say but then she started crying, anyway, when she was leaving she said she would come round tomorrow before she went to work, but im at a loss why she would do that, i know she has been out on a few dates, so my instinct is for her to tell me that she really likes this guy and that its completely over, i dont know. Anyway, i asked her if she wanted to have dinner tomorrow, so she is coming round for that, so i may or may not find out what was troubling her. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
soheartbroken Posted October 31, 2009 Share Posted October 31, 2009 From experience, you can't just decide to let go. You don't just wake up one day and let them go. I think with an extended period of NC and healing within yourself you just naturally let them go over time. You don't even realise it. I definitely agree with Rob. I don't think you can just decide to let go. It probably (hopefully?) happens gradually. And the truth is, we can't predict the future...though the odds against (at least in my case) are usually staggering. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hobbes Posted October 31, 2009 Share Posted October 31, 2009 Well lets see, They broke up with you Not talking to you NOt talking to you emotionaly Seeing someone else Living life without you Flirty with other people Kissing other people Banging other people Again still not calling or talking to you Usually after a few weeks of this, you will see the truth for what it is, and move on. Oh right, it's that simple is it? Might as well close the Breaking up and Divorce sections and put your reply up as a big sticky. There are thousands of people on here that are going through exactly what your bullets described and I can tell you that after a few weeks even months it's not that clear cut, not even close. I wish it was. I really honestly do. But it isn't. If we could all get over this in weeks as you have described, life would be very different. It's nice of you to offer this invaluable advice but come on man.. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kt_belle Posted October 31, 2009 Share Posted October 31, 2009 I am having a similar problem, but I don't have contact with ex. so I has made it easier (it was her choice). One thing I keep thinking of even though it never clicks with me, is that things happen when you least expect them. I think that is the most important part of NC and moving forward. If you move forward, you there will come a time when you aren't expecting her to come back, and then she will. As much as I hate that saying, it has happened some many times in my life, there must be some truth to it. I have found the exact thing! My ex made it clear (before we went out) that he'd never go out with me and only once i accepted that he asked me out? Now after 2 years we have broken up (he needs time/space and wants to MAYBE try again someday). The problem is that knowing that things come when you don't want them makes it harder to move on. Even if you think you are moving on part of you feels that you are doing this because you know thats only when they will come back. Break-Ups really are impossibly hard. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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