What is going on...

[freaked]

Well my ex came by the other day to talk. Sorry I think this will be a long post.

It started out just catching up on what eachother and our families have been up to in the last couple of months. Out of the blue he reached out and hugged me and said that he missed me. I backed up and told him that it was him that wanted this. He started to cry. He appologized for how he treated me during our relationship and how the breakup went down. He said he would take it back if he could. That he should have fought for us. I said that he still could (fight for me that is) and he told me that he was trying. I said if he truly wanted to be with me nothing would be holding him back. He didn't realize that I knew that he was seeing someone else so I pointed out that he couldn't be that broken up, he had someone else. His reply was that he thought about me/missed me when he was with her and that he dreamed about me each night. He wanted to know what that meant (He actually asked me). I asked him if he was truly fighting for me if he was with another person and he changed his tune alittle. He said that part of him is but he also realizes that after how things went down I would not move back to the city that he was in. That it probably wouldn't work out. I asked him why he thought this and he said because things had gone to far. My only reply to all of this was if he truly wanted to be with me nothing would stop him.

I point blank asked him what he wanted. He told me he didn't know what he wanted.

I told him it wasn't fair to either myself or his new girl to be stringing us both along, that he needed to figure things out. That it seemed he wanted his cake and eat it too. I will not be a part of that. He asked if we could be friends. I said no. That I wasn't ready to be friends with him and see him move on with another girl. I am a strong person but not that strong. He started to cry. He didn't want to lose me. I just said he had made that choice when he broke up with me. I will not make myself available to him unless sometime down the road he realizes that he made the biggest mistake of his life (He admitted he had thought this from time to time). So I told him that this would be the last time we talked or saw eachother. That I couldn't have him contacting me. That he needed to figure out what he wanted and if he knew (no doubts) that it was me then and only then could he contact me. I realize NC is not the way to get him back but I will not have him coming home from time to time and saying all of these things and giving me hope. It feels like then he gets his "fix" of me and nothing changes. Why do I need to get back together with her if I get what I want from her when I come home for a visit, kind of mentality. Right now for me it is an all or nothing type of mentality. That he either wants to be with me or he doesn't. I will not sit around and wait for him to figure out if the grass is greener on the other side. As much as I still love him and want to be with him, I won't be that girl.

 

Thoughts?

[Sanesoul]

You did the right thing.

[freaked]

I know that I did the right thing and that it makes me sound like I am strong enough to deal with this. I am strong, but I am finding that this is really throwing me off. I am now sitting back and analyzing everything that was said. Really what was the purpose of his visit? Why did he say the things that he did? Does he want me back? Is he just feeling guilty? I really wish I could just understand.

[leda]

Ughh..I'm so sorry. I'm not a good healthy advice-giver here, but my first reaction in that situation would be to scream at him and run away in rage. If he's even having a problem deciding if he wants me or her, I would have to split...

 

I think you are doing the right thing.

[Clabs]

Hey Freaked

 

This situation sucks. You say he is seeing someone else but he misses you and thinks about you when he is with her?

 

You are right to push him out of your life. He has little or no respect for you and this likely is not helped by the fact that you had break up sex with him - it gave him permission to think he could come back sniffing about.

 

He wins all ways, eh?

 

Take back your pride and your dignity and start walking forward. Don't try and analyse what he says to you because he is pulling at your heart strings to keep as you as his ego booster and his backup plan.

 

Honestly darling - walk away from people who treat you with such little respect.

 

I know it can seem confusing and you want to read into what he says but really, it is a huge stinking pile of BS.

 

It will be much easier if you block the jerk from your life - the sooner the better.

 

Chin up, doll.

 

Mark

[LillyLooWho]

I tried to be friends with my ex three different times. It never worked because he was with another woman (well, not the first time but the next two times) and the whole situation freaked me out. How can I be friends with someone who i want to be my lover? Just didn't work. As hard as it is do (and believe me, I know how hard it is to do), you are doing the right thing. Only someone with enormous amounts of patience, resolve, and the ability to block out unpleasant things can become friends with the ex in an attempt to get them back. This is 100 times harder when they are with someone new, so probably for the best that you give him the space to figure things out for himself. You do sound strong and I hope you have peace with this soon.

[luminousone]

Your reaction to him was so right. He is being disrespectful to both you and the other woman.

 

You let him know in clear terms that that is not acceptable to you, and I applaud you for your honesty and strength.

 

Now the ball is in his court. If he wants to be with you so badly then he needs to show it with his actions and not his flimsy words while messing with another woman.

 

Going NC at this point might be easier for you.