Feeling sad and depressed......... (very long)

[grymoire]

I have been feeling very sad and depressed and hopeless lately... I feel like regardless of what I do life has a way of putting me down. My entire life has been a struggle... I am the last of 5 children to my parents... My dad is from an extremely wealthy family but instead of using the wealth he was blessed with he decided to squander it away by not working at all... Since he was very rich he landed a very good looking and polite woman as his wife (my mother). Even though my dad never worked he was able to run the family because of the enormous wealth he inherited from his dad. Even though he was very loving me and my sisters and my brother grew up very embarrassed because we did not know what to say when someone asked 'what does your dad do?' (it is a very common question in India). In order to avoid that question and the embarrassment we started avoiding people.. This eventually made all the 5 of us introverts and avoiding of people.... Also we grew up in an atmosphere of extreme fear as my dad was a very angry man. He yelled and screamed at will. Almost every day one of the 5 kids or my mom would be screamed at. My brother was frequently beaten with a belt. I escaped the beatings because I was the last child but what I saw every day scarred me... I grew up into an extremely sensitive and insecure guy that wanted to avoid people...

 

Even though the inherited wealth supported my family it started dwindling when I was in high school. I mean, how long can a family with 5 children survive without any income at all? When I just graduated high school my dad sold off the last property, our home. We then moved into an apartment. Once again the whole town was silently ridiculing us and we felt very shameful. My dad continued to do what he did throughout his life... not work and earn money. My mom and family members started to groom me as the savior of the family from a young age. They were waiting for me to graduate from college and start earning money... I completed my Engineering and left to the USA in 1999.

 

From the time I reached USA I feel that I have only faced bad luck... I struggled in the university without financial assistance. I had to work in several jobs to pay the tuition fees. At this time I was quite good looking and lot of women wanted to date me. But unfortunately I did not know anything about Dating and hence could not read the signs clearly. At that time a girl that wanted to go to the mall with me meant just that, she wanted to go to the mall with me ... After going through hell in college I graduated during the 2002-2003 recession. Now I struggled to get a job and eventually left NY and came to California. I suffered once again working here and there on contract jobs. But I started supporting my family right from the time I got my first paycheck... I have been sending money home every single month for the past 6 years. I fulfilled my destiny of supporting my family... a family that was neglected by my dad. He is still there in the apartment peaceful and happy knowing that money will be arriving from the USA every single month. My brother also became a failure in life and I am supporting him as well. On top of sending money every single month I also gave money for my dad's medical expenses when he had a heart attack.

 

Off late my responsibilities are wearing me down. I gave $15,000 for my sister's wedding in 2007 (In India the girl's family has to spend money on the wedding). Then I gave more money when she gave birth to a kid. Then my uncle failed in his business and called me up and cried and begged for help. I was raised by my aunt and it was very difficult to say no to her husband. I helped him out secretly many times... Now I have to save money and give my brother the money he needs to start a business [at least $5000]. If I don't do this my mom will be heart-broken... While I am happy to help my family I have been feeling extremely sad off late. I have never been lucky in my life and regardless of what I do life always puts me down. I had to struggle to get a job and earn money.... I do not have the luxury of just making a trip to India and visiting my family because I have to first save the money needed for the trip... And everyone here knows how horrible my luck is when it comes to women. Each and every girl I like wants nothing to do with me............... Among all this I started losing hair as well and now I am bald. I am getting ugly with each day and tears are welling up my eyes every single day when I see myself in the mirror. I feel God or whatever it is is punishing me more and more...

 

I feel very hurt and hopeless and don't know what to do. Just last week I sold some stocks and made some money. I was happy for that one day. The very next day Capital One screwed up my car payments and my bank account plunged into the negatives. And before I could recover my uncle again called me up, cried on the phone and asked for money......

 

I have been single for as long as I know......... been working forever......... becoming ugly with each day............... and losing hope... I am getting depressed and tearful and sad.......... I have many more years of this miserable life......... Some times I just wish I went to sleep and never wake up again.............. I don't know why I wrote this all here but if you read the whole thing then thanks.

[greywolf]

Grym, I can't help but wonder if a part of you likes it that your family is dependent on you. Be honest with yourself, does it give you a tiny bit of pleasure? Otherwise, I cannot understand why you keep on giving and giving even though it hurts you. You are not helping them either. You are rewarding them for their bad decisions and laziness. The only way for your family to start taking care of themselves is when the money stops coming.

 

I have been in that positioin.. people back home asking for money because they think it grows on trees over here. Truth is, that it doesn't. We work twice as hard as they do. And like I said, it's not helping them, only crippling them. What are they going to do if something bad happens to you? They need to learn how to take care of themselves.

[bulletproof]

Here is the thing- you can't get blood from a stone. Perhaps it's time to start telling your family that you don't have the money to give them, because it really doesn't sound like you can spare it. You are from a family of five children, with extended family as well. I have a feeling that the burden would either fall on someone else, or your father, brother, uncle, etc., would have to figure out another solution to get some cash.

 

I realize that this is a cultural difference and that perhaps I'm not understanding it fully. But the fact is that you are here in the U.S. now. You are entitled to live your life any way you please. In other cultures what you are doing is called enabling.

 

Aside from the money issue, which sounds like it's the biggest stressor on you... you have the power to control most of the things you speak of. Plenty of men go bald, and have perfectly satisfying lives and romances. And while you may have struggled to get a job and earn money in the past, you are now working and making money. So you have succeeded in that respect. Nobody I know got right out of college and got career jobs making good money. I was more or less poor for a good ten years straight myself.

 

The longer you believe that life is dealing you a bad hand, the more it will seem true. "Luck" is made. You have admitted in prior threads that you made some bad decisions along the way, which likely contributed to your outlook now. It's time to start changing and seeing things in a new way, and taking steps to fix what's wrong in your life. That might mean making very hard decisions (like cutting your family off, or at the least, minimizing what you send them) and facing certain facts you don't want to face. Only you have the power to make things happen.

[grymoire]

I am actually happy to support my family.

 

But some times it gets over-whelming... While I am happy sending money home every month to support my family the "extra" demands some times gets me. Like I was happy providing for my sister's wedding, but was really upset when my family said now I have to give money because is going to have a child. You understand? I am happy to support my family but the unexpected additional demands makes me sad.

 

But to be brutally honest, all of the anger is actually on myself. I am constantly criticizing myself for not making bigger in life. I am 34 yrs old and still single and living in an apartment. My friends are all married and own homes. That makes me angry at myself.

[grymoire]

Hi bulletproof,

 

Yes, I am the last of 5 children. I have 3 elder sisters and 1 elder brother. In the Indian culture the daughters get married and go away to their husbands place. They are not expected to support the family. But the sons are expected to do it. But in my case though it should actually be the duty of my elder brother but like my dad he didn't do well in life. He has asthma and never had a stable job. My dad did not spend money for his college and now he claims that the family betrayed him. So the responsibilities fell on my shoulders.

 

I do believe that I have lot of bad luck and I feel that there is really no use trying any more... That's honestly how I feel.

[greywolf]

I am actually happy to support my family.

 

But some times it gets over-whelming... While I am happy sending money home every month to support my family the "extra" demands some times gets me. Like I was happy providing for my sister's wedding, but was really upset when my family said now I have to give money because is going to have a child. You understand? I am happy to support my family but the unexpected additional demands makes me sad.

 

But to be brutally honest, all of the anger is actually on myself. I am constantly criticizing myself for not making bigger in life. I am 34 yrs old and still single and living in an apartment. My friends are all married and own homes. That makes me angry at myself.

 

Then give only what you are happy with giving.

As for your friends being married and in their own homes, do you really think they've been dealt a better hand in life? I honestly think we all go through struggles and it's how we deal with them that matters.

[grymoire]

Then give only what you are happy with giving.

As for your friends being married and in their own homes, do you really think they've been dealt a better hand in life? I honestly think we all go through struggles and it's how we deal with them that matters.

 

That is one of my frustrations..... I feel that they have been dealt a better hand in life. I am angry with my luck and God (if there is one). I know it sounds stupid but that is how I honestly feel.... I feel like even if I do something to improve my situation my bad luck will slap me down in no time.

[bulletproof]

Then give only what you are happy with giving.

As for your friends being married and in their own homes, do you really think they've been dealt a better hand in life? I honestly think we all go through struggles and it's how we deal with them that matters.

 

I agree with this. You said yes to giving money for the wedding- why not leave it at that? Tell them no to sending it for the baby. Continuing to send it and resent them isn't doing anyone any favors, tradition or not.

 

Plenty of people are your age and doing exactly what you're doing. We all have struggles, as greywolf as pointed out. It's how you perceive your life that will determine your happiness. You have been told this so many times, but you seem to disagree with it to the point of detriment to your mental well-being.

[grymoire]

I agree with this. You said yes to giving money for the wedding- why not leave it at that? Tell them no to sending it for the baby. Continuing to send it and resent them isn't doing anyone any favors, tradition or not.

 

I can say "no" but I know what will happen. My mom will have tears in her eyes as she did not get the help from her son. Now she will have to go and ask some family member outside of the first circle. I know that's what will happen and that will make my heart ache and end I up giving them the money.

 

You have been told this so many times, but you seem to disagree with it to the point of detriment to your mental well-being.

 

yes, i know... that's why in the OP i said i don't even know why i wrote this thread. people here are probably tired with me. i just felt extremely frustrated and wanted to vent.

 

i am not per se disagreeing but just feeling pessimistic and hopeless... i feel positive some times, do something positive, and then the very next day Fate puts me down.... giving me the feeling like why am i even trying in the first place.

[greywolf]

That is one of my frustrations..... I feel that they have been dealt a better hand in life. I am angry with my luck and God (if there is one). I know it sounds stupid but that is how I honestly feel.... I feel like even if I do something to improve my situation my bad luck will slap me down in no time.

 

That's the thing. I know so many people who would love to be in your situation. There are so many people trying to get into the US, and to have a degree, and a good job. My point is there will always be people looking from the outside thinking that you have been dealt a better hand than they have. Is it true? We can't really know for sure, and in the end, being angry about only affects you gry.

 

I know how it feels though. All my old classmates have graduated already and here I am still going to school. It does make me feel angry sometimes or that it's not fair. And people tell me that paying for school on my own and not relying on my parents is making me stronger than my friends that have already graduated because their parents supported them the whole way. If it's making me a stronger person, I really don't see it. I try not to let it get me down though. It doesn't help anything, and there's no point at being upset at something that's nobody's fault.

[grymoire]

Thanks greywolf.

 

You probably understand the feeling...

 

I am not really complaining here but just felt like opening up as I feel I am in lot of emotional pain and disappointment. Another thing is we usually tend to compare ourselves only with people immediately surrounding us. I know that I am more lucky than people that wanted to come to the USA but I will only compare myself with my friends that are here. It is similar to a girl that will worry about not having a boyfriend while kids in Africa don't even have anything to eat.

[itsallgrand]

I'm sorry you feel so poorly, gry. I think you have a good heart.

 

But I still think your family is treating you like a tool. I have family like that too - but cut them all off long ago.

 

Once you do it, it's a huge relief. You can put that money to yourself, your foundations. And why not.

 

It's a matter of seeing through the con. You aren't responsible for them; and culture isn't an excuse for using and guilting your own blood.

 

I'll tell you a story, gry. I have a family member who moved his gf and little baby into a rickety home with his parents. Both are alcoholics, the house is a safety hazard outright to the point of not being able to be insured, and the grandfather is a known sexual abuser.

 

And yet I still hear out of some people's mouths "think of the baby. oh I feel sorry for the baby. Oh, I really feel sorry for the gf who was brought into the situation. Help us get wood/fix/give money - the baby!!"

 

When I refuse and say, no , but you know I'll make sure not to stand by and watch a child grow up in those circumstances - I care about the baby but you aren't getting nothing - guilt trip and I'm a biotch supposedly.

 

No, I am not. The ones in the wrong are those who put themselves in those situations and make everything someone elses responsibility.

 

Loose the martyr mentality. That is what keeps people down. And you aren't some one with bad luck - - you are hard working, family orientated, good guy with choices to make like everyone else. One of the easiest things in life to do is get caught making a bad decision. Doesn't mean you have to keep defining yourself that way.

 

Maybe it's your turn to enjoy what you have worked so hard for. No? It's a matter of stepping up to take it sometimes; not throwing it to someone else without thinking that you can def say NO. Or even sometimes Hell No.

[grymoire]

Thanks for your kind post!

 

These are some of the most toughest things in life you know... My sister always tells me how my mom cries her heart out because of the burden she has placed on my shoulders. And then she gets angry with my dad for putting everyone in this place. I am not bragging at all but if my dad had just retained the wealth he had and given me my portion I wouldn't have to work at all.. I could be spending all day driving a Ferrari. But I am not that lucky. I only watched all the wealth go away

 

As I had mentioned earlier most of the anger I feel is on myself. I have succeeded a bit and failed a lot. And my inner critical voice has been growing stronger with each day off late and cursing me for the times I slipped and made mistakes. May be its because I am now 34 yrs old. Another reason for my hurt feelings is because of my repeated failures with women. I repeatedly keep trying but only face rejections and then I see my friends not even having the guts to ask out a girl get some gorgeous women. I feel life is extremely unfair to me.

[itsallgrand]

Gry, if my mom hadn't have been an alcoholic than the money from a large settlement could have been used for me to go to uni without having to worry as a teen about us having food in the house.

 

But my mom made her choices and so I had to work. For a while I sent money to her.

 

But it's a bad investment, throwing away work and my potential and money. So I stopped when I realized the futility of throwing money down an insatiable well.

 

I know what it feels like to feel like luck isn't on your side; but I honestly think luck is for suckers. It implies that life is chaotic and our choices don't matter all that much. Like gamblers who think it's just bad luck; even though they keep making the same bad decisions time and time again. There is nowhere to go if you throw up your hands and say "well, looks like that's not for me. I'm cursed."

 

As for women, that does suck. But you are in your prime, but no means past being attractive to women ! , and I think if you clear out some of these road blocks and just go out there with a "I'm fabulous and have tonnes to give, it's only a matter of time and getting out there" attitude, there is no reason you can't find someone special!

 

I sound so optimistic writing to you. lol. But I totally know where you are coming from - - it's like trying to go uphill with huge weights on your back, good luck is right! So you shed the weights (all this hard on yourself to death business, stuff that isn't working) and maybe try a different direction that doesn't have you out of breath constantly.

 

feel better. apologies for going on .

[IndigoEye]

familiar with the term "tough love" right?

 

You should at least tell your father what you think of him. You've been the head of that household. It's your rite.

 

To be effective as the leader, this is necessary. Other animals operate by "preservation of the species" which means they leave the lame one behind. We humans operate by "preservation of the species", and "preservation of the individual". We carry the lame one with us as best we can. In order for your family to survive and for you to carry your father you must help him by "tough love".

 

Set him [and everyone else] straight or it takes you down. So where does that leave any of you?

 

You can't avoid this. think of the great weight off your shoulders if you do this one thing.

[greywolf]

 

These are some of the most toughest things in life you know... My sister always tells me how my mom cries her heart out because of the burden she has placed on my shoulders. And then she gets angry with my dad for putting everyone in this place. I am not bragging at all but if my dad had just retained the wealth he had and given me my portion I wouldn't have to work at all.. I could be spending all day driving a Ferrari. But I am not that lucky. I only watched all the wealth go away

 

That's classic manipulation right there, gry. She makes you feel guilty so that you give them money, then she again makes you feel guilty about how she feels so awful for placing that burden on your shoulders. The honest truth gry is that if she felt awful enough about it, she wouldn't ask it of you.

 

Gry, my grandfather was a millionaire. He had a trust fund for each of his grandchildren for their education. I have not had a penny of that money because my father is using it so he doesn't have to work. There's no use staying bitter about things like this.

[Perfect Dark]

You're not responsible for the way they live their life. You need to start saying no and live your own life. Life is too short to live for others.