Please help

[vertigo]

Hi, i'm new here so thanks in advance for any advice.

I've just spent a year and a half with a woman. We were in love, she much more than me (or so i thought). Over that time she repeatedly told me how i was the love of her life, how she'd never felt so strongly for anyone etc... She was desperate to settle with me forever and we split up a few times because i wouldn't move in/marry her.

Over the past 6 months i completely stopped making any effort with her, we still had fun and great sex but i forgot her birthday, valentines, went on 4 holidays without her and refused, despite constant pleading, to move in. Finally she became unhappy with the situation and we split because we both admitted we would never provide what the other wanted.

After the split we were very close for 2 weeks, still acting as tho we were together, then i went away for 2 weeks and came back and she was totally different, very cold and uninterested. Despite this she still initiated some contact with me by email. i asked if she was seeing anyone and she said she'd met someone she liked and was only not seeing him out of respect to me. we ended up rowing. Last week i discovered she has started seeing this guy from work (we work together). This has completely destroyed me. Suddenly i feel like everything she said was a lie and like our whole relationship was a sham. She has a little boy and was always careful to protect him. I was like a father to him and suddenly i hear that she is taking him out with her new guy. This is completely out of character too. I don't want to get back with her as i realise it wasn't right, but at the same time i feel completely hurt and betrayed. I walk round work hoping to bump into her, but now am trying to initiate no contact. I just feel so hurt by her behaviour it's tearing me up.

[alilbitworried]

hi, it sounds like you are sorta regreting treating her the way you did. She I guess got sick of waiting around on you, and she was just wanting to settle down, but you kept blowing her off, right?

 

Do you love her? It sounds like it. Tell her how you feel, just take the courage and pick up the phone or go to her and tell her. Has your thoughts changed about the whole settling down thing? Just tell her the truth...women aren't going to wait around for ever.

[vertigo]

hi, it sounds like you are sorta regreting treating her the way you did. She I guess got sick of waiting around on you, and she was just wanting to settle down, but you kept blowing her off, right?

 

Do you love her? It sounds like it. Tell her how you feel, just take the courage and pick up the phone or go to her and tell her. Has your thoughts changed about the whole settling down thing? Just tell her the truth...women aren't going to wait around for ever.

 

i do regret it to a large part, but i'm just not ready to settle down and be in a family for the rest of my life. for the first few weeks i was in real denial but now i realise that i do miss her and still love her. but i don't want the relationship back. i just don't know what to think about how she is behaving. could she really have got over me this quickly? we agreed we'd never see anyone from work out of respect and she went back on that, plus she's already exposing her son to another man, something the woman i knew would never have done. i just don't know where i stand anymore, what was true and what wasn't. if she loved me so much how could she be doing this with another guy, here, at work, already!

[SteveNaive]

Hey vertigo...sorry in advance for sounding harsh in places...

 

Well...it's hard to say, what it really is. I guess it could just be a rebound relationship with him. Then again, as you said yourself, you have been treating her bad for the last 6 months of a 1.5 year relationship. What do you expect from her? I mean you did not make any effort to save her love for you and that over a that long period of time?! In the end it was like a third of all the time you spent in your relationship. And by not making "any effort" as you put it, you might have shown her really that you are not as interested in her as she was in you. That may have made it easier for her to move on.

 

So you say you still love her, but you do not want the relationship?! What is that supposed to mean? I just come out of a relationship myself, where my girl said something along those lines to me. However, this is not how life works. It is always easy to know what you do not want. But you should instead try to think of what it is you want, because that is a much harder task. I do believe you love her, but then again, what is it you expect from her? She wants to settle down as it sounds, and she wanted to do it with you. Ok, so you are not ready for that. But you cannot really expect from her, that she waits for you to catch up with her, as much as she can't expect you to settle down when you do not really want to, right?!

 

I think that your love and your relationship meant something to her, else she would not have asked you to move in. Especially seeing as she is a mother, as mothers tend to be even more careful with the partners they pick. But she after being treated like that for six months, I think she may have realized that you maybe were not that far yet. I do not say that it was an easy decision for her. But maybe she wants to settle down as badly as you want your "freedom". I hope I could help a little with that...

[kuhl282000]

I understand your hurt and pain. It has happened to us all when we lose someone we care about. It sounds to me that you have hurt her deeply. It is important to remember those special days. We all make mistakes and I am no saint. But over time I think I have become a better listener. You were not listening to what she was saying. Think about what you said in your post for a second. You said it all yourself, I'm only pointing it out to you. She told you exactly what she wanted. she wanted you, she wanted you to move in, and get married. For whatever reason (sometimes we get scared and we run) it never happened. So what did you really expect to happen. Now she is gone, and you are having to fill the time void you no longer have with her. It allows you to think more, and your self esteem is being effected because she is with someone else.

It was not her, or the new guy, it was you my friend. You have some choices now. You can go after her and tell her how you really feel and you miss her and want it to work. But remember what she really wants. Do you really want the same thing ? You said in your post she was in love more than you. That bothered me, you should take a serious look at that. Is this the love of your life ? Or do you only want her back now, because you can't have her. We all want things we can't have. Relationships are wonderful, they are special, they should have meaning and rewards for both parties. Don't be mad at her or the other guy. Figure out what you want first and formost and then make it happen. Flowers never hurt, when it comes to saying your sorry. Ypu may want to send some. I suggest really expensive ones.

 

Good Luck

 

Warm Regards

Kuhl

8)

[vertigo]

thanks for the advice

her being with this guy has really knocked my self esteem because, having been in 3 relationships (with little or no break) over the last 10 years, i think i largely base my self esteem on being loved by someone else and seeing myself as someone who is able to be special to them.

 

her saying i was the love of her life/would i marry her etc... made me feel great about myself but then 3 weeks later she goes off with this other guy and has basically pulled the rug from beneath my feet. it's revealed to me that i have very little self esteem when i'm on my own, and made me feel pretty worthless.

 

on a separate note i am genuinely worried for her too. i still do love her and care for her and her son and her behaviour is completely out of character. 3 days before she got with the new guy she contacted me by email, we ended up rowing and i ended up saying that she was too pushy and would never be happy. she broke down into tears. then a few days later they're together. now i know she has her life and i have mine but i'm really worried she'll do something that will hurt her and her little boy.

 

sorry, i'm pretty confused by all this. it's all very new to me and very very raw.

[mahlina]

Personally, I think that she's dating this 'new' guy to get over you! If she says that she wanted to marry you, then she means it! I think that her actions are crying out for help. She want someone who will be there for her, to take away her pain. I doubt that the new relationship will work out. She hasn't given enough time to get over you. I bet you anything, she still has you in the back of her mind, especially because she brought you to meet her son. Allowing her son to meet you, is significant (at least for me it is). I think that anytime a women introduces someone significant like their kids or family, to meet the guy that they're dating, they're 'serious' about the relationship.

 

I know, her actions seem rather contradicting, but that's just her coping mechanism. I feel bad for her, in a sense that she's digging a deeper hole for herself. Her meeting this new guy, and getting involved too quickly, is opening more problems in her life, in which she does not need right now.

 

My best advice is to truly ask yourself what you want from this lady:

1. Do you really want to be with her for the sake of loving her, and being in a healthy relationship?

2. OR are you with her, because like you mentioned, she feeds into your self-esteem, and makes you 'feel good' about yourself?

 

If question 2 is the case, then most likely, you should really look at your life, and ask yourself, "Am I really happy with myself?" Sometimes people get attached to others for the wrong reasons. I think that it's good that we realize these things, because that will determine whether or not, the next relationship that we encounter is going to be work out.

 

Meaning, you have to be happy with yourself first, before you can make soneone else happy. Otherwise, you will never find 'true happiness' for yourself, by depending on other partners. Your happiness is within you, so it's up to you to look for it. Once you do, that's the best time to commit yourself to a 'healthy' relationship. Do you see what I'm saying? 'Unhealthy attachments' make us lose perspective of who we are.

 

Don't feel betrayed okay? She's just not taking her actions constructively. Best of luck to ya!

 

Mahlina