Trying to find my way home....

[zinny]

So I've decided to start a journal instead of flooding the breaking up forums with my ramblings due to the emotional roller coaster I'm riding.... I figure this way those who may want to keep up to date on my progress can... and I don't have to hijack forums from everyone else

 

It's late but I can't sleep... have a lot on my mind. For some reason I keep replaying his words in my mind. I remember sitting on his couch and asking him what he thought... if we should break up as opposed to this "break" which consisted of him being free to do what he pleased (and me as well) but us still remaining "faithful" to one another.

 

I think this break basically gave him the ability to have his ex in his life with no guilt (sorry, for those reading - you'll have to read my prior thread history).... As I know that after the cat had recovered, she's still in touch with him via phone frequently and does go over to spend the day with the "cat" at least once a week.

 

Funny thing is that when he heads out to get a coffee, do chores, go for a walk... she tags along. I don't ever recall him walking his cat or getting his cat a coffee... but yet, it was all about the cat. And when I pointed this out... there wasn't much he could say.

 

Whatever, I guess I need to just get over that... but anyways... where was I? Oh yes... the break... I had had enough of the break and I wanted to know if he wanted to break up. Living in limbo land wasn't doing my head or heart any good. He said he wasn't sure but he knew that he couldn't be the partner to me right now that I deserved. That he agrees having his ex come over and stay over isn't right when he's with another. That he can't kick her out now due to the cat crisis. In the end the truth was he couldn't be with me totally.... and I truly believe he feels some sense of security in her that I guess I never gave him... more on that in another posting.... this is going to be a loooong journal...

 

I don't know what it was about this cat or this ex or him... but something in me snapped and I knew I had to walk away..... so here I am, broken and feeling down... and just trying... trying so hard to find my way home...

[zinny]

So, I went back to work today after taking a couple of mental health days.... semi-productive day. When I get into my work, my mind gets off of him but it always seems to drift back.

 

Ran into him today.... he reached over and touched my arm... smiled... asked how I was. All I wanted to do was throw my arms around him... but I didn't... I couldn't. I remained calm and collected... made small chitchat and went about my way.

 

But I felt like I couldn't breathe.... I miss him so much and I hate seeing that he seems to be doing more than okay. I miss the man he was to me... I miss the US we used to be... but missing him is not going to make the past the present... so all I can do is try and try to heal and move on.

 

NC is hard but required... I just wish I could erase him from my thoughts. He haunts all my thoughts... all my sleeps... They are so vivid and they dwell on me....

 

I'm so unbelievably sad right now... but I can't cry for some reason. I feel like my tear ducts are empty.... I feel so much emptiness inside of me right now. But I'm coping... NC, NC, NC.... I have to keep reminding me. I need to be strong for my own sake.

 

I'm grateful for being able to talk it out a bit today with some friends... a good friend at work and a new friend from NYC....

 

Another lonely night.... but one that I will get through... I have to... it's all I can do.

[JonasWaingaro]

How ya doing Zinny?! Hope things are going good. Hang in there!

[zinny]

Had a really, really, really rough day today.

 

Some days are easier and others... very tough.

 

Saturday was horrible... never left the house... hardly left the bed.... I feel so down on myself... so down on life.

 

Today seemed to be a bit better... but got some contact with him.... stupidly responded and now I feel about a billion times worse.

 

I just want to feel better.... I wish there was a magic pill... but there isn't and I feel so unbelieveably empty inside

 

JonashWaningaro... I'm hanging on as much as I can... but I don't ever see the light at the end of this whole I'm in

[zinny]

Things that he said that have devastated me over the past week and a bit.....

 

"It is more painful for me to be with you then without you."

 

Those words haunt me... continuously play in my head. He said that when I'm upset... I say mean things... I think my telling him that he thought he was perfect - was far less painful then those words spoken to me....

[zinny]

Oh I also found out that he just responded to a wedding invite - for a wedding he's going to in about 5 weeks. He confirmed that he responded that he is bringing a guest.

 

I asked if it was his ex... he told me that he hadn't decided yet... but yes, she is aware of the wedding, but he hasn't spoken to her about it....

 

But I know him... this is a family function and he will not bring some random girl that he hasn't even MET yet to this wedding. I haven't even met his family.... in all the time we were dating... he never introduced me, although his brother knew we were dating.

 

So.... there is only one person he will bring... and once he brings her back into his family, he won't take her out... it would be too hard on her and his family.

 

He's made up his mind but too much of a coward to admit it.

 

I hate him but love him at the same time.

 

I hate this.... I need to just be free of his grasp. I don't know why I focus on the good when there was sooooo much bad done to me... the "ex" sleepovers, the inappropriate emails... I should of known from the start that he was never mine.

 

I was stupid and blind and now I'm paying the ultimate price.

 

This sucks....

[zinny]

An interesting couple of days.... starting rounds of ignoring the ex again. Only to have him message me now more that I don't want to speak with him..... Every time I do open up to him, I open myself to a whole new world of hurt. Being I want that hurt to go away, I have to learn to keep that door closed.... so I have ignored all his messages.

 

There's just so much drama when it comes to my ex.... some I've posted here on ENA and some just too private to really go into detail. I still care so deeply for him and if I'm really honest.... I know I still love him.... but when I think about it, I don't know if I'm in love with him anymore... I'm in love with the man he was when we met... in love with the man he was when we were together... but very much not in love with this man he is now that we are apart. He's different... I'm different... and I'm slowly learning to realize that this may be an awakening.

 

Added another step in trying to move on and come to the realization that my past relationship is truly in the past.... I agreed to a date with a new guy. He seems to know where I'm at right now and we've agreed to hang out as friends. I feel weird about it... but I guess in a good way.... we'll see how it all goes.

[zinny]

Self realization is a powerful thing.....

 

I've been sitting back and reflecting on a lot of things. Reviewing my past relationship and seeing it for what it was really worth.

 

I know now that I was not the only person who did wrong in my relationship.... and being able to focus on what I've done wrong and how I myself can be better.... it really bring some sense of calm and peace in your soul....

 

Interesting...

[zinny]

Ugh... what a weekend....

 

Bad news first.... I cancelled on my neighbour cop date The good news is it wasn't because I "wasn't ready" but rather because I got hit with a bug... HARD on Saturday night and spent the last few days in bed recovering. Still not 100% today but getting a bit better....

 

The even better news is when I hobbled over to tell him face to face (2 doors down... LOL). He was so sweet about it.... He rushed me back to my place and told me to stay inside and keep warm. About an hour or so later, he had a huge container of chicken noodle soup and some trashy magazines for me to read. He stayed for maybe 30 minutes or so and I made him leave so he wouldn't catch what I had.

 

So... in the end my fun date wasn't a real date at all... but it was nice nonetheless

 

He's gone back north for training... will be back in 2 weeks and we have a raincheck then for a friendly outing..... I'm looking forward to that....

 

For now, it's just time to keep focus on recovering.... both from a physical illness standpoint and as well as an emotional one... but each day I must admit... it gets a little bit easier and a little bit better....

[zinny]

Starting to feel better physically.... but emotionally, the roller coaster seems to be going downwards again. Sigh, I hate this.... I really do.... but at least I'm in NC right now, trying to stick with it and trying so hard to keep it this way.

 

I think this weather depresses me and the fact that everyone is getting ready for the holidays, it only reminds me of last year this time and how different things were for me. But I need to push those thoughts out of my mind and believe that THIS year will hopefully be so much better..... and that I will be healed.....

 

All I want for christmas is my heart to be healed.... that's all I want....

[zinny]

Had a last minute date invitation this weekend..... so I went...

 

Went out for dinner and drinks with this guy I've known for a while. He's nice... makes me laugh and got my mind off other things for a while. I had the salmon, he had a steak.... food was good, had a little too many frozen drinks with double shots and got a little tipsy, but in a good way. Talked for hours, pretty long date actually.... and at the end, he walked me to the door and hugged goodnight. He said he'd want to do it again sometime, I told him to call me....

 

It was good... but not a love connection. My heart isn't really in it.... so friendship is all I'm seeking currently.... He knows this, so it's good....

 

Seemed so weird to go out and be sitting accross from a man that wasn't the ex. Didn't think of him all night until I got home though. Nights and mornings are the loneliness.... always forcing myself to push him out of my thoughts.

 

In anycase... Cop neighbour comes home this Thursday night... so we'll see if he and I end up making plans from our raincheck of last week.... I'll keep you all updated

[zinny]

Had a breakthrough moment last night in which I realized it was truly over and didn't really fall apart.... thought maybe I was getting better.

 

But the morning comes and it's hard again.... thinking of him lots and all the good times.

 

I've been told to focus on the bad times too, the things he did that hurt me deeply... so I can take him off the pedelstal and bring him back down to who he really is.

 

I realize that I am not perfect but I have to also acknowledge - neither was he. And our relationship, as much as it was amazing and wonderful... it had cracks that he felt were too great to conquer.

 

I have to accept that people will only work on what they want and I deserve to have someone who wants me.... Relationships are work and I should only be putting in effort to those who deserve it in return.

 

Sigh, another day, another battle of a roller coaster emotional ride.... but in the end... I will come out stronger and be a better person.... one day at a time.

[zinny]

Was doing so well and then something happened that had me crash down......

 

I'm feeling a mix of emotions. Anger. Disbelief. Disappointment and ultimately Sadness.

 

Fool me once, shame on you.... fool me twice, shame on me.

 

Onwards and upwards.... that's all that there is left to do....

[zinny]

I was talking to a friend today and decided that in order to move on my future, I have to completely get rid of the past. As a dumpee, it's hard to remember any bad as we tend to focus on the good... and the bad is forgotten or passed aside because you will do anything to keep them. When all the tears have finished flowing.... you finally begin to see the light. So in order to keep my head and heart in check. I'm going to run down all the shady things that he has done... to remind me of how I don't need him now, I don't need him tomorrow and I don't need him ever again.....

[zinny]

February 2009:

 

Got into a big fight over a few things he had hoped I would of stopped by this time in our relationship. He felt that I disrespected him by

 

a) having close guy friends since I was 14 that I consider my brothers.... to him, I needed to end those relationships

 

b) clubbing with my girlfriends. he hated it. didn't matter if it were a birthday, a bachellorette or anything. clubbing was wrong. it was bad and i hurt him by doing so.

 

c) didn't like when i had lunch with guy friends at work, coworkers that i knew before him. again, it was disrespectful... it was always i who was doing wrong to him.

 

I wasn't allowed to be me, because who I was - was disrespectful to who he was. And I started to change for him... and this is when I begun to lose myself in the process.

[zinny]

March 2009:

 

Was gearing up for my month long trip to Asia to visit family... with my family... right before leaving, I went into his computer... to surprise him with some messages I was going to leave and to change the screensaver to a new pic of us.

 

I was surprised instead... with loads of messages between him and his ex.

 

Messages where he told her he missed her and thought of her. Inappropriate messages about pasts when they were naked. Messages that broke me into pieces and made me run so far from him...

 

But he told me he was just saying those things to calm her. She was still so upset he had left her months ago. She wanted him back... and he wanted settle her down. He knew he crossed a line.

 

I agreed to give him another chance. Made him promise to end all contact unless it was to settle their financial matters (eg. the house they own). He agreed and he did start to live up to what he said. I forgave him.

[zinny]

April 2009:

 

Returned from Asia... things were different between us. He was upset at me for some of the stuff I did while away. Going to Malaysia with a girlfriend, going out to explore night life with my brothers. Again things that he felt were disrespectful. I did whatever I could to try to make amends.... I was at his beck and call.

[zinny]

May 2009:

 

Got into a fight about the lack of time I spent with him. Told me he always felt second best. Because I have a large group of friends and family, I spread my times at night and on the weekends between all. He said he felt that I wasn't trying enough... that he felt second best. The guilt in who I was began to grow more... and I really started to become someone I couldn't even recognize anymore...

[zinny]

June 2009:

 

He got an email from his ex - asking him to give her some figures to buy him out of their house. So she could complete the process and move on with her life.

 

He never responded..... told me he would in time.... but never did.

 

It really should of signified to me at this point - that he was unsure about letting her go for good. Her begging and pleading stopped.... and she wanted to finally cut the strings.

She had finally moved on..... or so I had thought.....

 

I thought yay! He's finally going to have her out of his life... out of OUR lives... I can finally move in to his condo or we can get a nicer place together and not be financially strapped. OUR life was just beginning..... but little did I know... it was the beginning of the end....

[zinny]

July 2009:

 

This was his bday month.... we had a great time together on his birthday, however he went away with his family for a weekend prior to his bday, so it was a little hectic.

 

He was still conversing with the ex... I didn't know why.... I asked him if he figured out the financial piece yet. He told me he didn't want to deal with it at that time. Always a reason to not cut strings... but I was blind and foolish and I believed in him.

 

We got into a huge fight after his bday.... all because of my insecurity of his ex. I didn't understand why he was still updating her on his life, his trips.... talking to her behind my back and not settling the finances.

 

It blew up into something MUCH more.... I told him he thought he was perfect and that I was always wrong.... He ended it with me. I was devastated.

[zinny]

August 2009:

 

My birthday about 2 weeks post his. I never got to see him, never got a card, no gift, no nothing. He did message me though.... I was sad, begging for him to forgive me. He was standing his ground, wanted time away from ME breaking HIS heart.

 

I spent my birthday with my friends and decided to book a vacation to get away. We had originally taken off my birthday week from work to go away together. He didn't want to go away with me anymore. I went to California with a girlfriend. He got upset and told me that while he was sad and alone here - I was out having the time of my life.

 

Again the guilt set in... and I apologized... did whatever in my power to keep him close.

 

Towards the end of the month... we seemed to be kinda getting back on track... I felt like I got my birthday wish - which was for him to come back to me....

[zinny]

September 2009:

 

The last straws.... his cat got sick.... and instead of turning to me for support.... He turned to her. Explained it was because it was HER cat too.

 

They were spending lots of time together.... having her stay over.

 

He swore it was nothing but couldn't be with me at this time because he needed her, for his cat... and deep down, I now know - for himself.

 

I remained in the picture as his FWB. I couldn't let go. I forgave him for everything. I just wanted to be with him.

 

I became a pathetic mess of a creature and had become completely lost in who I was.

[zinny]

October 2009:

 

More of the same old song.... we were not together but he would not allow me to walk away and I couldn't even if I tried.

 

I remained his FWB but that's all I was. No more dates, no more taking me out. That I supposed was reserved for her.

 

The cat situation was finally winding down..... I thought things would get better for US but it didn't.

 

I finally moved into my own place... because I wanted to prove to him that I was willing to do anything to be with him. Me not having my own place was difficult at times because I wasn't around as much as he wanted. But he's never been here.... I moved out and put myself in this situation for nothing.... it was for him.... but soon I would realize that he had already made his choices and they were not me.

 

I was being strung along.... all while thinking he was coming back again. I was the one trying even though I was the wronged one. I was so weak and I hated it.... but I couldn't see it then, but I definitely see it now....

[zinny]

November 2009:

 

The breaking point... this was this month.

 

I finally stopped the FWBs for a bit... walked away from him... NC for a while and he pounded my phone with messages. It was ridiculous.

 

I gave in.... we spoke... we kissed.... shared a night again and I thought he may AGAIN be coming back. But I kept him at arms length.... but still responded to him when he messaged, but never pushed for more. Started to date myself.... but never got into it because he was coming back at full force. He started to message every day again, he started to call me affectionate pet names.

 

I began to have hope again, hope that I had just pushed away.

 

And then the shoe dropped. Found out he blatantly lied to me.... He went to a family wedding - was supposed to crash in a hotel room with his folks - because he wanted to drink. He was going solo... he swore up and down this was true. He even wore the tie I bought him for the affair - because he said he needed some new ones, so I went and got him a nice one. Told him to have a great time..... and I would contact him after the wedding..... Spoke to him the day after.... he called me by my nickname again... was being sweet..... I thought things were going good.

 

But then I got the proof... he went with his ex. He shared a hotel room with her. He asked her to be his date... and he lied to me about it... for weeks... while we were FWBs.... while he was telling me he loved me... He was planning on going back to her.

 

He swears that "nothing happened" in the hotel room, they had separate beds. But I know better. He booked ONE bed... I know this... but he claims I'm mistaken. But I'm not. Claims it was a one off - he asked her when we had broken up due to my upset over his cat ordeal and her sleeping over. Said he asked when we were done and he didn't want to hurt me or lose me so he lied.

 

But he lied yet again..... She thinks they are back together. I've confirmed through friends that he's double dating with her friends this weekend. He's reabsorbed himself into her friends.... and her into his family..... one off my *bleep*.... He just continues to spin his web of lies. But finally I am starting to see him for what he truly is.

 

I was such a damn fool. He's moving back home in Jan - when his condo rental expires. He denies that he's made a choice but I'm not longer a stupid doormat. He never cleared the house details... now I know why.... he always wanted to make sure he could go back if he wanted to... and now he does.

 

I've cut my losses.... the hurt this time around wasn't as bad as I've been hurting for month. I just wish he would of let me go sooner.... then to drag this out.

 

He still messages me... tells me that he can't discount a future with me, but needs this time to explore himself and spend time with her. To figure out his feelings and what he wants.

 

She may have waited for him for all this time... but I will not. He's lied to her - she never knew about me - I was hidden in the dark and it's because he never ever wanted to cut that string in case he wanted to go back.

 

Now I'm in her place and she's in mine. He lies to me... to try and hold me there... to wait for him while he "test drives" his ex again and figures out if he wants me instead.

 

He wants the best of both worlds... but he won't have it from me.

 

He is not a part of my world any longer.

[zinny]

WHY did I write this long sad saga online?

 

For me to NEVER forget... to not forget that I may have done wrong to him in the past. But what he has done over the past 5-6 months is so much worse.

 

I've come to realize that in the beginning of the year - he was soooo into me. And his ex was still chasing him. Once she emailed him about closing up shop for good and figuring out the finances... He changed. I called him on it.... and the fights began.

 

Classic case of wanting what you don't have. She started to move away - he brought her back in. I figure he's happy with her again... whether it will be forever... I don't know and I really don't care.

 

She chased him in the beginning of our relationship and he chased me. She started to pull away and he went to bring her back.

 

He didn't settle the house in June because of a reason. He changed when he felt he was really going to lose her for good.

 

I don't know if he'll do the same when I'm gone.... because he'll be in the honeymoon reconcilation stage with her. But you know what? I don't care.

 

I might hurt right now... but in the end, I KNOW I am better off... no one deserves a man like this. No one deserves to have gone through all that I did.

 

I realize that now. I need to stop thinking of him and doing things for him. I still have stuff to give back to him. I wanted to get him an xmas gift. But those feelings are gone. I want to do nothing for him anymore.... I want him out of my life.

 

I will drop off all his stuff at his desk when he is not at work, I don't want to see him, hear from him or think of him ever again.

 

I need to have NC for myself to heal and get over it.... and I know that I will.

 

I thought he was the love of my life... but I was wrong.... He was a man that never was deserving of my love.... and that's what he'll be for the rest of my life.