Trying to find my way home....

[zinny]

I am gaining weight.... I've always been a small person but when half my summer wardrobe from last year doesn't fit anymore.... something is seriously wrong. At this age, I should NOT be having anymore growth spurts

 

This heatwave is killing me.... I need a break of cooler weather... I feel so sticky all the time and I have no work attire for this weather that fits me.

 

I guess I now have an excuse to shop?

[zinny]

Things are still going well with the ex - turned into my boyfriend again... maybe I should give him a name? Or perhaps initials? Okay... I'm going to label him SD.... not after his real name but after a nickname.... I'm sure if someone is reading this - they will get a hoot out of it

 

So things are going well with SD... but I still feel somewhat reserved and afraid at times. I guess I look back at all the things that happen and there's that underlying pain I fear that will never go away.

 

I have forgiven him for what he had done because I know at the time he made those choices, his feelings towards me were different... and we weren't a couple anymore. But still... the hurt runs deep... and I wonder if it will ever fully go away?

 

I try to let go of the past but the past still haunts me.... I guess I fear things may change for the worse again one day. We had an open discussion about this.... about how it took so long for us to get to this point. Where we went wrong the first time and why things need to be different this time. We both got teary eyed when discussing the past.... It was hard to relieve those feelings... maybe that's why it's fresh in my mind today.

 

In the end though... he knows why I'm cautious and I know why he's cautious... we both made mistakes the first time around.... we've owned those mistakes... but we agree to stop talking about them. Living in the past is good for no one....

 

So things are moving along nicely.... one day at a time... Only time will tell if this reconciliation will stick!

[zinny]

So far... so good... things are going well with SD. We are happy... but it's a different kind of happy. Not a giddy, influx of emotions and hormones... being in a fresh and new relationship and having that excitement of something different. But it's a happiness in which we are growing slowly to allow ourselves to be 100% invested without the fear of the past haunting us anymore.

 

Reconciliations are hard work.... but if they are done right, it doesn't really feel like hard work.... We've become more balanced.... SD is away for the long weekend and I do miss him, but I don't have fear of him doing me wrong.

 

Things are moving along nicely...

[zinny]

I've just returned from a two week holiday with my girlfriends.... it was such a great get away, saw so much, did so much.... I have 800 pictures to prove it Travelled through 5 different countries and am exhausted but had such a fabulous time.

 

SD picked me up from the airport, it was so good to see him... we picked up some take away on the way home and are just relaxing now. I missed him while away, but being away from him strengthened our relationship more..... we're growing into being able to have our own lives which includes our life together - full well knowing that our life together is not the only thing that is of value.

 

Things are pretty good right now.... I'm grateful for all I have... friends, family and SD... life is balanced and life is good.

[zinny]

I'm feeling so sleep deprived today.... had a rough night... got a total of maybe 3 hours sleep and not even solidly. All I want is my bed and to pass out for a good 10 hours. I'm struggling to remain focused here at work. My eyelids feel so undeniably heavy.

 

Unfortunately I have dinner plans tonight that I can't bail on.

 

Boo hoo. It's going to be a looooong day

[zinny]

Got into an argument with SD today.... a guy I had briefly dated contacted me via email and SD was very, very upset about it. Questioned on what other contact I had.

 

I got upset.... and don't want to discuss it with him. His innuendos of what this guy means to me is absurd and out of line.

 

It's times like this my resentment grows stronger. I lived in hell for 7 months when he was back playing nice with his ex. I don't feel I need to defend myself in respect to what I did on our off time. He knows I dated, he knows I was single because he told me multiple times that he didn't want to be with me. So one of the guys from the past contacted with an evite to a party he was hosting... and SD gets upset and questions why I would of even remained in contact with him.

 

I don't like being accused of things I never did.... I'm angry today and I'm sad. Having to bring up the past has made my feel so upset. It's like the past haunts me, the feelings I had, the sadness that enveloped my soul... it's back and it's bothering me.

 

I need a night to myself, I told him I didn't want to talk to him at the moment. We ended it at that. I was invited to a party for a friend, simple... it doesn't mean I've been dating this guy behind his back to date. I'm not that kind of girl.... and I don't appreciate being made out to be like that.

 

I'm upset. I'm angry. I need to take a breather and deal with my emotions.

[zinny]

So SD and I made up after tiff...... It actually helped to ask for time off to cool down both of our hot heads. He messaged me the next morning and asked timidly if I wanted a coffee. So we went for our normal regular coffee and it was like the argument never occurred.

[zinny]

Wow... I can't believe I'm back writing in this journal... but I decided to make some new goals and came onto ENA to see if there was a forum for me to join - lol. I'm trying to lose some weight and came accross my old journal. Wow.... how much has changed since I last wrote here. I guess it would be nice if I updated all those people who were there for me during some of the darkest times in my life... so here it goes....

 

Me and my ex... who I nicknamed SD - we are a full fledged couple. We actually both own our own homes now and spend about 50% of our time at each other's home. We've grown a lot since I started this journal years ago.... and we've been happy. I mean we still have our up and down arguments at times - but we're just people.... LOL.

 

We are contemplating taking the next step and buying a home together. The only issue is that I don't want to move or sell my place. My home is my palace - my happy place with all my pretty things and I'm so in love with it. But I know that it's not big enough for the 2 of us, it's a 1 bedroom loft with it's quirks and fun but not really a place for him, me, his pets and my pets. He wants us to find a townhouse to purchase together and I know that it makes sense... and I do want to live with him... but I LOVE my home. I guess I gotta let go of this and find a new perfect place to live.

 

Work has been pretty good - I've actually had 2 promotions since 2010 and I'm enjoying what I'm doing and being challenged every day. So life has been pretty awesome recently and I just wanted to come by and share. I was in the darkest days in my life a few years back and I had so much support here and my life is finally where I want it to be. But the one thing I learned in order to get back on track was that no matter what - I always had to love myself first. There are no perfect paths to mending a broken heart and there is also no spell to make an ex fall back in love with you. The only thing you can do is love yourself and let the person who walked away go..... when I finally let go - that was when I got my place, worked harder - got a promotion and then he came back.... And he had to work at it to make me finally believe in him again. It took about 6 months from the date of him coming back and cleaning up his life for me to actually let him leave a toothbrush at my home. Because I didn't want to "taint" my new space with a possibly "temporary fixture". I remember he told me - that me letting him back in my heart.... that was the best xmas gift I gave to him.... and it was to me as well - because I finally had peace in my heart.

 

Life is weird.... I read back at my blogs and I get so angry... and I think WHY was I so heartbroken??? I should of left his butt earlier!!! Lots of things like that.... but then I look at our life now, a life finally full of trust and love and I smile. A path that was so hard... in the end... at least for now.... it was one that was well worth it.