zinny Posted December 22, 2009 Author Share Posted December 22, 2009 Feeling optimistic today.... stopped trying to figure out the game of NC and LC when dealing with the ex... and trying to use the situation to make him regret his choices. Decided earlier on this month to stop caring... and finally my heart is beginning to catch up to my head... and life is beginning to get back on track On another note... 4 more days until I'm off to Jamaica for a sunny filled singles holiday with some of my girls... I can't wait to get away from the gloom of the winter in Canada as well as the constant reminder that it's xmas and one that turned out a heck of a lot different that I ever anticipated. Trying to organize myself and get ready for my trip.... so much happening in the next few days... just gotta get through some icky work stuff and then I'm off! Bright blue sunny skys and beautiful turquoise water.... here I come Link to comment
JonasWaingaro Posted January 1, 2010 Share Posted January 1, 2010 Woohoo! I hope you have an awesome time! Sounds like you are doing better! Happy New Year Zinny! =) BTW, I'm jealous!! Take me toooo....hehe. Link to comment
zinny Posted January 11, 2010 Author Share Posted January 11, 2010 I feel like I've gained 10 lbs while on holidays.... eating 5 times a day and lying by a pool drinking high calorie fruity frosted beverages can take it's toll! LOL. I got myself a treadmill for my new pad... trying to start a better year for myself in term of both a physical and emotional state. Starting off with the physical as the emotional is still topsy turvey due to the roller coaster of emotions I still ride at times... so I figured... if I can strengthen my heart physically.... then emotionally it will get easier... Here's to 2010 being MY year... a year full of endless possibilities! Link to comment
diamond78 Posted January 11, 2010 Share Posted January 11, 2010 Here's to 2010 being MY year... a year full of endless possibilities! I'll drink a fruity frosty beverage to that!! Link to comment
zinny Posted January 12, 2010 Author Share Posted January 12, 2010 Just updating with a few more blackberry messages my ex has sent me on January 9th, 2009. I think it's the final nail in the coffin for him.... I don't know if he wants to be left alone to move on or if he expects me to chase and beg. But all I know is that I'm tired of this game... and I question with all my heart... if he ever was the man that I was meant to share my life with. Why if someone loves me so much, he could walk away so easily and while he was with me... always want me to change. I guess he loved some parts of me... and the others, he wanted to change. So I'm sorry that I wasn't the perfect partner for him and I'm sorry that I tried to pretend I was... because by doing so, I wasted both his and my time.... Anyways... here are some of his messages.... "My heart is broken knowing what I know now about your current life and who's in it.... and who's pursuing you.... and what "might" become of the future. I'm back at a place I never wanted to be.... and I don't blame you for what you are doing... and I'm not mad at you. It's just what I feel inside... which is so unbelieveably sad again... so hurt.... and so hollow. I know you had to do it for you.... I understand that... Cause I'm doing for me... I'm fighting for me... I'm fighting for my life... Cause I'm so afraid to live the rest of my life with my broken heart. I just need to accept it.... or at least figure out a way to deal with it so that it doesn't kill me.... I guess I'm to blame.... I pushed you back there. I hope you are happy with your choices.... I just know that I can't handle them right now.... and I need to figure out how to handle it... and it scares me to think... the only way I can... is to run... so I don't know anymore of what I already hate to know." Or the second one... "I need the agony of it to stop.... you'll never know how much I love you... the images... the thoughts of you in the arms of other people... at clubs... in jamaica... it breaks me... it consumes me... and I just can go throught this again... I'm defeated... I've lost the battle... I'm so unbelieveably upset again.... and I can't keep living this way... it's destroying me as a person. I wanted us so badly... but we've ruined us... I know I've done wrong... maybe I deserve this... but I just can't go through it again.... it almost killed me the first time... it'll be 10x worse the second time I feel so sick... I need to accept you've moved on.... and stop thinking about you... of an us... I just can't deal with this pain anymore... I can't.... I'm so messed up again... I hate this feeling". His messages make me sad.... but I can't stop living life for me.... in order to be better for him.... I'm sorry I tried to be who I wasn't.... and at least now I know that I can't continue to hurt him and hurt myself by trying to be someone I'm not. Just another "lightbulb" moment in my ridiculously long break up saga.... Link to comment
zinny Posted January 13, 2010 Author Share Posted January 13, 2010 Just deleted another thread I started about blame... I think some may have thought I was attacking them for blaming their exes for their pain. But I was just speaking from my own situation and what I felt when I looked at how my ex and I constantly blamed each other for EVERYTHING. Now I'm re-thinking a better form of spewing my jumbled thoughts and ramblings... sometimes I think I talk too much Link to comment
JonasWaingaro Posted January 13, 2010 Share Posted January 13, 2010 I thought that thread was really good Zinny. I have no idea how it got de-railed like that. Everything you said made good sense. I suppose when it gets to blame people close down and don't want to own their part. I dunno. I wish I'd had a way to post to support you but I was traveling. =/ Glad Jamaica was fun! Link to comment
zinny Posted January 14, 2010 Author Share Posted January 14, 2010 Awww... thanks Jonas! The thread was more for me... been doing a lot of soul searching I guess. Trying to get out of the hurt, pain and constant thinking of my ex... and move on to more of a real healing. From what I understood... to do that, I had to let go of the pain and the anger... and focus more on my own healing, which included looking at my own faults. So seeing that it perhaps made me feel better... but others feel worse, I decided it was better that I delete it... just to keep things grounded Thanks so much for the support though... Hope you are having fun travelling! Be safe! Link to comment
zinny Posted January 14, 2010 Author Share Posted January 14, 2010 I found an amazing blog online... link removed I find the articles on this site to really hit home... written from a woman who has been in my shoes... and doesn't have a phD and uses big words that I need to look up... LOL. I found her articles so inspiring that I actually purchased her ebooks... The No Contact Rule and Mr. Unavailable & The Fallback Girl. These ebooks are probably the BEST books that I've read since I had my heart broken. I'm learning so much and the most amazing things is learning that my situation with my ex and his ex... it isn't something out of the ordinary... it happens to others... and I am not only to blame but I am in control in getting out of it. One of the best things this break up has done for me... is help me grow in so many ways. I'm starting to learn so much in myself and I'm starting to own up to my own poor choices... and I'm learning to love life on my own again because I'm learning to love myself again.... Link to comment
zinny Posted January 28, 2010 Author Share Posted January 28, 2010 Well... tomorrow is officially the day.... I used to nickname it D-Day.... but now it's just another day... sad because it seems like the end of a dream. But having gone through what I was forced to endure over 5 months.... it really doesn't have a great an impact on me as it may have in the past. Tomorrow my ex moves back into his shared home with his ex.... from there... who knows what will happen. As much as he tells me that he has no feelings towards her... that he is broke due to huge cat bills and the cost of maintaining a condo and his old house.... I can't be another woman to him. To the world, it looks like his ex and him are reconciling and whatever happens behind closed doors... I don't know and I don't want to know anymore..... This chapter of our love story is closed.... and my heart is closed to any type of reconciliation right now.... He's going home and that's all there really is to it... it hurts but it's the cold reality and I'm just accepting it for what it is.... and I'm healing my heart as best as I can. Link to comment
zinny Posted January 30, 2010 Author Share Posted January 30, 2010 So, today was the day and I thought I would be unfocused, sad and pretty much a mess. Surprisingly today was a pretty good day... super productive at work, went out for dinner with a group of my bestest girls and now just chilling with some of my bestest guy friends. Watching some tv and catching up on my ENA Realizing life is too short to waste thinking and dwelling on people that don't respect you or "love" you in a way to respect you or show you. So now I'm just focusing on those that are worth it in my life.... and I'm so lucky to have them all in my life... Link to comment
zinny Posted February 12, 2010 Author Share Posted February 12, 2010 My ex sent me a valentine's day gift today.... He attached a note stating... "I know that I put myself in this situation and I know that I screwed up. I need to figure out my finances and regroup but I don't want to stay where I am. My heart still belongs to you and you are the person I want to be with. I wish I could go back and change things, I wish a lot of things were different. But I just wanted you to know that you are the person I want to be my valentine. I miss you and I still love you. Thinking of you always." I'm so perplexed... I mean he's MOVED BACK IN with his ex... why is he doing this? Link to comment
zinny Posted February 23, 2010 Author Share Posted February 23, 2010 I'm so upset today..... I hate this bloody roller coaster and I just want to get off and let the damn thing run over me Link to comment
zinny Posted February 26, 2010 Author Share Posted February 26, 2010 So the coaster is heading up again Feeling better today and was okay yesterday.... very confused but trying to figure things out one day at a time... Not sure what I want right now... but starting to realize that figuring it all out is half the fun Link to comment
zinny Posted March 12, 2010 Author Share Posted March 12, 2010 Still kinda confused. The ex has been in constant contact... trying to be completely transparent in all his day to day dealings. He moved out and in with a friend for a week or so... But now is back at the house getting things in order to get it up for sale. He said he's going to do it right this time.... he's going to end things the right way and get rid of all loose ends. No more connections to her. No house, all assets divided and she will be out of his life forever. No reason to ever speak with her again. He has promised me this... not only for me, but for himself. He states that he is very unhappy where he is... realizes what an idiot he has been over the past 5 months. He wants to be out from where he is... with or without me... he wants a life without her. He let her in back in for his cat and for friendship when he was lonely. Swears up and down there was no intimacy of any kind. I don't know if I believe it... I truly don't... but I need to stop playing what if in my mind... and just figure out what the hell I want to do. I don't know if I believe him... only time will tell.... Do I still love him.... yes. Do I trust him.... no. Do I miss him.... yes. Do I want him back in my life.... not sure. Can I forgive him... I don't know. If I forgive him, can I learn to trust him... maybe. Do I need to have all the answers right now.... no That's all I guess I can do at this moment in time. Link to comment
zinny Posted April 12, 2010 Author Share Posted April 12, 2010 Feeling sad today.... my heart feels like it's breaking again. Been put through the blender so many times I can't think straight anymore. Sigh, I'm a moron. Link to comment
zinny Posted April 19, 2010 Author Share Posted April 19, 2010 Wow, it's been 7 months since this drama fest started and I seem to be no better than I was... blips here and there of getting better and then instantaneously I fell back.... I need to be stronger for myself.... it's all on me. Link to comment
zinny Posted April 27, 2010 Author Share Posted April 27, 2010 Wow, went back and read my entire journal today.... darn it's been a heck of a ride folks.... but I am surely doing better. I remember the times I couldn't get out of bed.... drank myself into a stupor.... those were some super sad times.... so glad I'm stronger than that now.... onwards and upwards I say. Counting down till summer vacation.... planning my next trip(s) away Link to comment
zinny Posted April 30, 2010 Author Share Posted April 30, 2010 I think it may be time for me to start a new journal soon.... I feel like I'm turning a bend now... and life is starting to change for the better... stay tuned Link to comment
zinny Posted May 10, 2010 Author Share Posted May 10, 2010 Wow, so much has happened.... I don't even know where to start.... It really is strange how the world works. For 7 months a I grieved the ending of my former relationship and I was hell bent on moving on and healing for me. I got to a point where I was.... I started to live again.... made a life for myself... went out on a date... and BOOM. Back he comes, full throttle. Now he is acting like I am his everything.... constantly messages me.... has really progressed in his detachment from his ex.... it's so strange but I'm so cautious and fearful of being hurt again. Not too sure what to do.... all I can do for now is continue to live for me and see where the chips fall I suppose... Link to comment
zinny Posted June 2, 2010 Author Share Posted June 2, 2010 Walking down my path and I feel like I'm at a fork in the road... I need to make a choice down a path that I can't go in reverse if it's the wrong one. I look back at my relationship with him and I don't feel like it was a healthy one... but do I still love him... with all of my heart.... but is that enough for us to succeed? I don't know. It seems like we bring out the worst in each other as well as the best in each other... it's a constant roller coaster and I have so much unresolved anger from what has happened to me. I no longer blame him for his choices but I'm angry that I still live in pain..... Sometimes I truly feel that the only way to free myself from the pain of the past is to let go of the past. Which includes the notion of a happily ever after with him.... but it's so hard to let go of a dream... but sometimes, a dream is only a dream and I need to step foot in reality. What do you do when it hurts to have someone in your life but hurts to have them not in your life? How do you gauge what hurts less? Sometimes I feel like I want to see a psychic.... I want to know what my future holds... I almost want someone else to decide my future for me. I feel like a waiver too much when it comes to my ex. I never know if he'll spring back up and steal my heart again.... I feel like I'm getting over it and then I get too close again. I feel like I need to walk away but I want to be with him..... maybe the psychic will be able to answer my questions. If they tell me I end up with someone who doesn't match my ex's description... maybe that will be the final trigger in making me let go. Does that sound stupid? Link to comment
zinny Posted June 3, 2010 Author Share Posted June 3, 2010 Holy crap what a busy day.... work is slowly killing me.... Link to comment
zinny Posted June 22, 2010 Author Share Posted June 22, 2010 I'm feeling angry today.... angry and sad... Don't be fooled, things are progressively getting better day by day.... I have my head on straight and I know what I want but moreso what I deserve... However, there are days when I just feel so much anger. When something triggers me to remember the past pain, the betrayal and worst of all the broken dreams I had with my ex.... Today was one of those days and today was a day in which I wanted to punch him right in the face... It's weird how one day you can suddenly be enraged for no reason. I guess it's still all a part of the healing process... weird because my ex is still in my life... but as nothing more than an ex.... he wants to make things work but i don't see it happening... and for some reason I'm angry today.... I'm so undeniably angry. Link to comment
zinny Posted June 28, 2010 Author Share Posted June 28, 2010 Taking a firm step in one direction.... finally decided on which way to go in the fork in my road and not 100% sure if it's the right one... but it's the one that I do want to take at this point. My ex has cleaned up his life... actually he cleaned it up a while back now and has been working on making things right with me. But I have put up walls and barriers out of fear of being hurt yet again. But I've slowly started to let them down. I realized I was fooling myself when I was going on dates with guys I wasn't that into... when my heart still belonged somewhat to my ex.... and I knew it was my pride and my fear that was keeping me from giving him a chance. I haven't been happy but I haven't been sad during this period. I've been content... I've been okay with my life as it is without him and I've been enjoying myself... but I realized that I wasn't blissfully happy... Now I'm not sure if being back with him will make me blissfully happy.... but I have agree that I'm willing to test the waters again. We're not boyfriend/girlfriend... we're not "going steady".... we are simply starting to date again, get to know each other again... and to take it one day at a time from there... He's estactic and to be honest, I feel a little giddy too... we're going into this with eyes wide open... and all we can do is see if we've learned from our past mistakes, if we can grow into a real partnership and to figure out if "WE" as a couple are right.... So here we go ENAers.... I'm taking my baby step forward.... only time will tell if I need to turn around and run for dear life again the other way! Link to comment
zinny Posted June 29, 2010 Author Share Posted June 29, 2010 Got flowers sent to work from him today.... purple roses... the card signed "just because". I don't know what it is... but I feel like he's trying too hard. I think he wants us to fall back into where we were.... when we were happy... and that was one year ago. Before we started to fall apart in July 2009 and I began to first visit this forum. I've grown so much from that person... and my behaviours and his behaviours are things I wouldn't do or tolerate now. It's weird but I got a dozen roses which should make me over the moon but instead forces me to overanalyze. We spoke on the phone tonight for about an hour. He's finally somewhat settled in his new place... I thanked him for the roses... and he was telling me a story of his friend who's become obsessed with a girl who dumped him. I thought about telling him about ENA and then thought better of it I like having my own little "private" world here... Link to comment
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