why does the ex call?

[Michael2]

Kate,

 

When did he start contacting you again?

 

Did the calls increase in frequency after he found out you were seeing someone else?

 

Maybe he is analyzing his current relationship, and in his mind he is going down a checklist, in other words, comparing you to her, and your relationship to his current relationship. After going down the list, he may have checked off a few things that he isnt experiencing with this new girl, and in turn, he calls you.

 

-or-

 

Maybe he is a loon, who likes messing with your mind and keeping the strings attached.

 

They always seem to call just at the time you are almost at the point of healing. THen bam, you fall back down and start all over again.

 

W

[kate111]

After I split with him he tried to call me about once every week (from memory).

 

I refused to speak with him.

 

After about a month he didnt call me again for awhile and then he texted me again when a mutual friend told him I had a new boyfriend (about 2 months later).

 

since then he has texted me twice. I ignored the first and gave a curt reply to the second.

 

The contact has not been increasing. He has contacted me about 2 times in the last 5 months or so.

 

Who knows, maybe he will never contact me again.

 

What do you make of this? any ideas?

[Michael2]

Have you asked him why he keeps calling you?

[Adom]

Kate, I think every once in a while he really misses you, and actually caves for whatever reason and calls. He still has lots of feelings for you. You are justified in rebuking him. His feelings are what they are. Do you still have feelings for him?

 

 

I'm currently considering contacting a girl I haven't spoken to in a year. Why? Because with 20/20 hindsight I realize the breakup didn't have to happen, and she's a great girl, and all that. No cheating went on, we were both just stressed and unhappy, I was confused and left her.

 

The thing is, why should the 'dumpee' (ach) want me now? How will she react? This I don't know. How would you react?

[kate111]

Michael2,

 

I did ask my ex why he was calling once in the first month after we split.

 

But he had no answer and I told him I was doing fine, go away and leave me alone.

 

This call by the ex was made during the period in which the ex would have been making arrangements to move in with the girl he had been two timing on me with.

 

Have I been too harsh with him? Can you understand at all why I was angry and didn't want to speak to him?

 

What do you make of this? Why do you think he is calling me? Is it because he is still unsure?

 

How should I react?

 

Adom,

 

I don't think it would be at all bad for you to call your ex.

 

I think it would be admirable if you really feel that way about her.

 

I think all dumped people would love to hear their dumper ring up and say that they regretted it. Even if it was years later.

 

If your dumpee ex has moved on and there is no possibilty of getting together again Im sure she would still really appreciate learning that it was you who made the mistake and that you didn't break up due to some defect of her own.

 

I, myself did the same thing once and told an ex that I had been stupid at the time and that I realised he had probably couldn't go out with me again that I just wanted to ring him and tell him that.

 

He responded really well and since then we have been in contact again as friends.

 

In regard to my ex:

 

In the beginning (before I fell in love with my boyfriend) I was hoping that my ex would come running back and beg me to accept him back again.

 

But he didn't do it. He moved in with the new girl.

 

I have feelings for him, yeah. But I cannot be with him. He hurt me badly and I could not accept someone like him back again. Not unless he changed his attitude and morals.

 

I have accepted that this change is not going to happen and even forgiven him for two timing me.

 

Good luck to him. If he is happier with the new girl, then fine, I am happy for him.

 

I have moved on and grown stronger. I have a new love which is blossoming.

 

But I can't understand why he contacts me. What is there for me to say?

[DragonGirl724]

i was gonna say the exact thing as michael2 i think he has a 'checklist' of some sort & is constantly reminding himself how u have what he wants & his new lover or whatever she is, isnt all shes cracked up to be. he misses what love really was & regrets his idiotic disrespectful hurtful mistakes. i had an ex cheat on me & came crawlin bak after he went w/ the girl he cheated on me with...now were ok frineds we talk about our relationships he still regrets F'in me over but watever i never LOVED him anyway i was like 18. and didnt give a ****. tough love though and i think thats what ur ex is experiencing. u have a new man anyway i would jus tell him beat it & uve moved on if its pissin u off that much.

 

-DG724

[Adom]

Thank you so so much for saying that, Kate! I really appreciate that insight, and it encourages me so much!

 

You do bring up a good point about you're ex. It's obvious you've moved on, so what does he expect from you? This guy sounds very mixed-up in regards to his relationships. Maybe he expects you to ask him back. But it doesn't really matter. Actions speak louder than words - especially in this case.

 

I don't know if he will ever contact you again. But I wouldn't give him even friendship until he got himself together in a major way. I don't think you are being harsh. The guy went to live with someone else, and still is! That's harsh!

[kate111]

Thanks Dragongirl for your advice. So you think he has doubts and rings me huh?

 

Thanks Adom,

 

I think it would be a good idea if you contacted this girl. You can't lose. By ringing her you are putting yourself on a limb for no reason other than to make her feel good.

 

If you rekindle something well and good, if not it doesn't matter, you are still doing something positive for her.

 

In regards to my ex:

 

Do you see what I mean about being confused by his calls. What should I do?

 

Do you think that he calls me every so often because he thinks enough time has passed for us to be friends?

 

Maybe he has justified his cheating to himself somehow and doesn't think it was so bad? Is this possible? He must think it is ok on some level.

 

Maybe he thinks what he did is not so bad and that I will get over it and want to be his friend.

 

Don't get me wrong, I have forgiven him. I don't want him back. But I don't trust him enough to want to be his friend and i certainly don't want to hear the gory details of his happy life.

[Adom]

...I have forgiven him. I don't want him back. But I don't trust him enough to want to be his friend and i certainly don't want to hear the gory details of his happy life.

 

Hm, what if you tell him that next time he calls?

[kate111]

Adom,

 

Do you think telling him would be a good thing to do? I might just do that if he calls again.

 

Do you think that the reason I put forth last post could ring true?:

 

That he calls me every so often because he thinks enough time has passed for us to be friends?

 

That he has justified his cheating to himself somehow and doesn't think it was so bad? Is this possible? He must think it is ok on some level.

 

That he thinks what he did is not so bad and that I will get over it and want to be his friend.

 

I have moved on, don't get me wrong, but I can't help but wonder why he calls. why does he bother to contact me?

[DragonGirl724]

hey kate,

 

not to be insensitive but who cares?? u said in your other post u dont even trust him enough to be a friend. this guy screwed u over big time. and u moved on much power to you girl! dont backtrack, leave this guy in the dust concentrate on your new man. your ex is obviously pissed he screwed s**t up w/ u. tough love like i said. move on chicky! whatever his dramatic motives are tell him to 'Save it for Oprah!" 0X

 

maybe u are interested in him again??? is that it?

 

 

-DG724

[kate111]

Dragongirl,

 

I totally agree with you.

 

I have moved on. I have a new boyfriend who I am in love with.

 

And to all extents and purposes, I DID just kick this guy to the kerb.

 

But it still gets to me when he calls and tries to make chit chat.

 

An ex is still someone you once cared about. Someone you shared a bond with. Even if you cannot be boyfriend/girlfriend because you have different moral views, ideas about the future or cannot see eye to eye.

 

When he contacts me it messes with my head.

 

I don't want to think of him because of the way things ended. It makes me sad. I would rather move on.

 

That is why I wonder why he calls. Shouldn't he just never contact me again, given the circumstances?

[fantasia2004]

Fantasia,

 

You are asking the same question that I want answered. Why does the ex call when they have a new partner? I don't know.

 

It could be for any of the reasons that have been thought of in this section.

 

But in order for me to know which reasons are probable in your case then you have to tell me more intimatly the circumstances of your relationship and subsequent break up.

 

If he calls you and you do want him back. Just be nice and don't talk about the relationship. sooner or later he will have to tell you what he wants out of you, i guess..

 

This is what happened For 5 months I was calling him so the NO Contact rule did not work for me or him at all. I could not let go. as for today I called his family's house when I should have not done so. And I feel awful astep back instead of forward.

 

As I told you it was 2 1/2 years together. I went though cancer with him he broke it off with me at the end of october and was with this girl within a week. We broke off things on a bad note because he borrowed money from me at the time-4 times- when he was heavenly dating her for 5 months and asked me several times . I only did it because I felt guilty since he helped me when I was ill with no job and had no money at the time. It is annoying to talk about it. And it hurts to think about all of it. But life goes on.

 

I guess he broke up with me in his opinion because he was not happy and things were not working out. He claimed he was miserable.We were fighting sometimes and things got worse the minute he got into a business that is a scam that was recently shown on t.v. this weekend. You told me that I was nothing to you and I told you that the money is not an issue anymore. So I have also dropped that issue.

[fantasia2004]

Kate, I think every once in a while he really misses you, and actually caves for whatever reason and calls. He still has lots of feelings for you. You are justified in rebuking him. His feelings are what they are. Do you still have feelings for him?

 

 

I'm currently considering contacting a girl I haven't spoken to in a year. Why? Because with 20/20 hindsight I realize the breakup didn't have to happen, and she's a great girl, and all that. No cheating went on, we were both just stressed and unhappy, I was confused and left her.

 

The thing is, why should the 'dumpee' (ach) want me now? How will she react? This I don't know. How would you react?

 

That is a GOOD QUESTION and I am in that situation now And The answer would be move on and leave me alone after everything you put me through.?

[kate111]

Fantasia,

 

My sympathies to you. Sounds like you have been through a hard time.

 

Would you like any advice on anything specific or would you just like to vent your feelings here.

 

Id still like a few more ideas about why my ex calls.

 

Any help welcome.

 

This is my story:

 

My ex and I were seeing each other for 1 year before he went away for work for 5 months. We maintained contact and I waited for him.

 

When he came back I found out that he had been seeing someone else. I hit the roof because I loved him and he had two timed me and because I had been waiting for 5 months. I kicked him out.

 

He tried to contact me but I refused because I was angry and hurt.

 

It is now 6 months later or so and he lives with the other girl. I have a new boyfriend and he knows about my new boyfriend through mutual friends.

 

He still tries to contact me every couple of months. So far I have ignored him or just said a curt "everything is great".

 

Why does he contact me every couple of months? Can't he just leave it?

[fantasia2004]

Fantasia,

 

My sympathies to you. Sounds like you have been through a hard time.

 

Would you like any advice on anything specific or would you just like to vent your feelings here.

 

Id still like a few more ideas about why my ex calls.

He still tries to contact me every couple of months. So far I have ignored him or just said a curt "everything is great".

 

Why does he contact me every couple of months? Can't he just leave it?

 

I am in the same boat but today I called him to ask him about meeting up with him not seriously though. Although I did not tell him that so He said he would put me in the schedule and call me when he is ready. I said either you want to see me or not . Or you dod not have time to see me. He said that is not true. I asked then you dod not want to be friends then? He said no I did not say that. Honestly -since he was at work- he said I will call you when the time is right. So I am wondering if it is better to tell him don't call me in the future if you can not be manly enough to admit what you want from me. And don't call me until you really mean it and out of that stupid business you are in?. I already told him I will not allow him to have the upper hand in power by calling me whenever he wants.

I hung up on him afterwards

 

what do you think? I need your advice kate. On all I have told you.

 

thanks for listening

 

Fantasia

[kate111]

Fantasia,

 

You need to ask a specific question here for me to answer. Otherwise I don't know what to advise you on.

 

This thread is supposed to be concerned with "why the ex calls". Do you need help on that? It seems, from what you are saying, that it is you who are calling.

 

If your topic is different to "why the ex calls" maybe you would be best to start a new thread and I will try to help you there.

 

All the best.

 

hey everyone,

 

Please help me work out why my ex calls me.

[last resort]

SHE STILL LIKES YOU so dont give up hope its not strange behavior

[angelee123]

My ex called too after he decided we needed space. Last week he said we needed space. I was ready to give it to him (for the first time because I am getting tired of the on and off again with him). So, he called me ever day since (only 1x a day). Then on Saturday we met up and hung out in the sun for a while...had a really nice time...everything seemed fine and back to normal. Then I ran into him at a local bar on Sunday and I went to his house afterwards. He was very distant and cold and the next day told me he needs space again (there was no intimacy involved too so it makes it quite confusing). Why did he call? I just don't get it.

[fantasia2004]

Fantasia,

 

You need to ask a specific question here for me to answer. Otherwise I don't know what to advise you on.

 

This thread is supposed to be concerned with "why the ex calls". Do you need help on that? It seems, from what you are saying, that it is you who are calling.

 

If your topic is different to "why the ex calls" maybe you would be best to start a new thread and I will try to help you there.

 

All the best.

 

Well yes I do want to know why he could call even if he does not want me could that be game playing? Or is everything thing you listed already self explanatory? I guess all I have to do now is just tell him not to call me anymore right ? Yes I did do all the calling previously before but that stopped until he called me for my birthday. Which ticked me off. That is why I asked if he does not care and you call me and you refuse to have contact with me why call? That is the only question I want answered. That is all kate yeah I know we can't always read minds.

 

Damn Life is a bitch!

[just jeff]

I am in the same boat. I began the no contact rule two weeks ago, after recieving an email telling me she has blocked all of my email addys (one work, one home) and was changing her cell phone number immediately.

 

One week later she called at 10:45 pm, I was on my land based line and did not respond. Nor did I call her the next day. I recived a text today saying "I know you do not want to hear from me. It's a girl. I had to tell you."

 

I did respond "Congatulations ~s~" She sent back "Thank You"

 

How does she know I do not want to hear from her? I knew the baby would be a girl months ago. So why not a simple "Crystal had a girl."?

I wish I knew... because when she does this it gets my hopes up that she has or is changing her mind... so is it a mind game? Or a second chance... if you find out.... let me know....

peace and happiness too you all....

Jeff

[just jeff]

By the way, her cell number hasn't changed.... so two weeks to get a new one? hummm

 

Jeff

[stillinLA]

Hi, I'm new to this forum and would like to say thanks to everyone! It's very comforting to know that we're not alone. Thanks for everybody's time and great advice!

 

I need some help. This is long, sorry --but it needs an intro, I think.

 

This is my first real breakup and it really hurt me and I do want so much to try again. My girlfriend of 4 yrs left me but I am totally understanding. I was becoming depressed and began to take her for granted. She loved me dearly and tried everything for me to get help. She had asked me to marry her several times but I was not in the right state of mind and scared. Then she finally had to stop loving me and go on with her life. I understand and don't blame her at all. But she found someone else to fill her void even before she broke up with me. In fact, she asked me to marry her the last week she left me. And when she did break up, she was clearly devastated and cried so much and could barely let go. She was hurt and I'm so sorry I hurt her. I have apologized profusely.

 

I didn't know about NC and for the first 4 weeks I was a complete nut case. From anger to crazy and back again. You name it, I probably said it. I did however get professional help and I am on a great track now and have learned about life and love and have made great strides in my personal behavior. I feel really great! I am so happy for that and the catalyst for doing so was her and my 100% love for her. I really love her for who she is and I now love myself. No matter what happens I have respect for her and want her to be happy in life. I've told her I love her (yes, too many times, I'm afraid) and she does know that.

 

She has great respect for me and she told me when she left me that she cannot see me not being in her life. She wants to be the best of friends. It's painful because I do want to be with her, but I'm fine with being friends. She means a lot to me.

 

She invited me to her performance 2 1/2 weeks ago and I made a mess of things by getting emotional. I wasn't ready. Later she said that it was all about me hearing myself say I love her. She was right and I told her so.

 

I stopped calling her, etc.. after that. I started NC. She went to a gig in NYC and called me everyday from there. She even called to ask me where Carnegie Hall was while she was already in NYC! (I'm in LA) And she's been calling a lot since she's been back. Very nice conversations and nice talk about our projects. I really enjoyed her calls and she liked it, too. We made plans to work together next year on a big project.

 

But during one call I said I miss her and she quietly said that she misses me a lot. Then she was the first to say she missed me with the next call she made to me. But her calls have driven me crazy with hopeful possibilities! I'm too impatient, like a kid before Christmas! I need to know one way or another.

 

She's been hinting that maybe it's not going to work out with her new guy. I finally called her (mistake?) and said that I think we shouldn't communicate for a while since it was hard on me and she was with another guy now, etc.. (another mistake?-- a friend told me to do this) She started to cry a little. I asked her why she was calling and why she said she missed me. She then said, "I love you and I still love you and I want to be back together." I didn't know what to say. I just said, "What should we do?" She said, "it has to be a different relationship then we had in the past." I agreed.

 

The gist is that neither of us want to get back right this moment. I am still getting better about myself and want to continue that. She has a huge and stressful project due in 2 months. She than said something, but stopped and said, "no, you don't want to hear this." I pressed her and said that we need to be honest. She said that she cannot have a relationship until after her project is finished. I said that's understandable.

 

I later sent an email saying thanks for the conversation and that neither of us are ready right now since we have our own work to do and let's just see what happens. And that we need to have a new relationship different than the past. I wanted to give her some real space. She emailed back saying that she completely agreed.

 

But now I'm back into that feeling of being unsettled and that it's all too unknown! Arrgh! Should I just sit back and wait? She is not calling anymore because of what I said about communicating-- and now I'm sorry for saying that --I do miss her calls, but we do email very polite and nice emails. Should I call in a week and discuss it with her? I'm not sure what's actually happening here?

 

Advice? What am I doing wrong? Anything right?

Thanks so much!

[kate111]

Wow, there are quite a few of us here now, ready and waiting for other people's opinions about why their ex calls them.

 

We should try to help each other.

 

Angelee,

 

Sounds like your boyfriend doesn't want you to get too close to him but also doesn't want to lose you either.

 

He calls you because he is scared that you will leave him because he doesn't want you too close.

 

This "space" stuff he talks about is basically because he feels confused about whether not he wants to be with you.

 

You could tell him "use it or lose it buster".

 

You can't hang around forever waiting for him to decide. You have a life to leave and waiting around for him isn't healthy for your self esteem.

 

You could tell him that you want to be free to date others as well as him.

 

Fantasia,

 

You wrote before that you went out for 2 and a half years and he broke off with you and you kept calling him for 5 months after the break up. Did you do no contact after that? How long has it been since you contacted him?

 

He called you out of the blue for your birthday after refusing to speak to you for a while. Did he say why he didn't want to speak to you?

 

JustJeff,

 

Your girlfriend texted "i know you don't want to hear from me" because she suspects that you hate her and that is why you didn't answer landbased line. She wrote that because she is trying to sniff out whether what she suspects is true.

 

She still wants to talk to you, and tell you things, like this baby being a girl. She misses the contact she had with you.

 

She told you she was blocking all of her communication with you because she didn't want you to call her. However when you stopped contacting her then she started to miss you.

 

I think you may be in with a chance JustJeff. She told you that she was changing her number but didn't do it. That means that although she made the conscious (mental) decision not to have contact with you she still harbours secret fantasies that you will call her.

 

However while this sounds good, don't get your hopes up. She may actually only want you to call her out of selfish ego reasons. By that I mean, she may want to have the satisfaction of you begging and grovelling for her so that she feels desirable and wanted.

 

If I was you JustJeff I would play it supercool. Don't drop everything for her, show her that you have a life and are attractive and consider yourself a real catch.

 

If she calls you be nice and friendly but also busy busy busy. Don't go out of your way for her and don't tell her how much you want her back.

 

She nmay just regret her decision and come crawling back.

 

StillinLA,

 

I have run out of time but will try to help you in my next post.

Adios.

[stillinLA]

hi kate111,

 

Thanks, I'm looking forward to your reply! I think now that maybe I need to go to NC and wait(?) One great thing about all this is that I have honestly and truly changed and I am so grateful for that happening. It would not have happened if she had not left me. And I think that she sees the changes, too. She loved me deeply and I have learned to really love her for who she is.

 

I was love impaired due to a negligent parent (this came out from therapy) but I did love this woman very much. I just didn't know how to express it. She felt rejected. I was always very nice to her but I just didn't show her 100% love. I'm terribly sorry to have hurt her. I think that she needs more time to feel confident enough to think about trying again with me. I certainly understand that.

 

Actions are the only answer and I am now taking action with my life. I'm realizing that action is all there is. Words mean only so much.