Jealous of his ex

[emmorey]

I feel so angry with myself!!!

 

I've been with my boyfriend for over a year now, and really love him. He's funny, handsome and loving. The problem is, I'm constantly battling with jealous, insecure feelings.

 

It started with thinking he was looking at other girls, but I got over that (thankfully). Then it was of his female friends, but I got through that too, by trusting him. Now, its of one of his exes. I came accross her picture on the net and found out she's done some modelling. She's really pretty, I know she's not perfect but she's really good-looking. She cheated on him (this was 3 years ago) and now they're friends, but he hasn't seen her for 2 years. I know he wouldn't cheat on me, that's not what I'm worried about. I even know he wouldn't go back with her. I just feel so dull and plain in comparison to her!!!

 

I feel like I couldn't possibly compare to her. I know it's stupid, and he's told me I'm ten times the person she is, and he thinks I'm really pretty (prettier than her) and could be a model too. But he would say that! I keep looking at her picture and comparing her to me, and torturing myself by imagining them together. We look really different, I look 'English Rose' and she looks Spanish. I know he's been with other pretty girls, but for some reason I'm focussing on this one cos she's done some modelling, and I've seen her photo. I know looks aren't everything, but because of my jealousy I also feel like I'm a bad person and bad girlfriend, and he'd be happier without me. He always tells me he loves me, so it's me who's risking wrecking the entire relationship. He can't keep having to reassure me, but I can't hide it very well when I get jealous.

 

Do you think I should finish it with him till I sort myself out? That would really hurt but I can't keep putting him through this. I have no idea where this jealousy came from!!! I just want him to like me the most, which is really egotistical.

 

aaargh! please help!

[jujigatame]

My feelings on physical attractiveness:

 

I'm a guy, and I think too many girls worry that they're not going to be noticed by boys because they don't look as good as "the competition". I've seen girls that, when asked, consider themselves plain janes. They're surprised by MY surprise at that response! I've also seen girls who, while never seen without a gallery of drooling male subservients, don't float my boat in the least bit. I find myself physically attracted to many different girls for many different reasons.

 

It's not a T&A world, even though that's what the media tells us. Many of my male friends have confessed to me that, when peer pressure is removed and they aren't pressured to support the tall, blonde, "Hooters Girl" mentality, they actually care far more about things such as a favorite type of haircut, how often they smile, or even... smaller-than-average breast size! And this isn't even TOUCHING how important personality is to the issue.

 

The reason your boyfriend finds you prettier than his ex is because to him, you ARE! It's not flattery, it's not a little white lie. It's the truth. More girls need to realize this.

[SwingFox]

Hi emmorey,

 

First of all welcome to eNotalone.com and thank you for sharing your questions and concerns with us.

 

I would like to suggest that you stick with him. He seems to be the perfect b/f for you and why change a winning team. YES, you ARE winning. You got over those other situations before, and I bet it's just a matter of little time to get over this, too.

 

Furthermore, I would stop looking at his ex's picture, too. It's not fair to compare yourself to her, because you are simply someone else. Besides that, attraction goes in many different ways.

 

Last but not least: why can't you ask him over and over again to reassure you? I would LOVE to hear from my girlfriend if I could reassure her. It's a sign of her 'needing' me.

 

I wish you good luck and strength. You'll make it, girl!!

 

~ SwingFox ~

[butterfly girl1607306442]

EVErrryone gets jealous..i get jealous of my bf's ex because i think about how good they would be together ect but then i have to say to myself 'get over it emily, they are broken up for a reason.'

 

Everyone is also insecure at times..but dont let ur insecurities eat you alive. And especially dont give up a good relationship because of them. ull be fine

[RubyInnocence]

I think the most significant part of your post was when you wrote "I feel like I couldn't possibly compare to her. I know it's stupid, and he's told me I'm ten times the person she is, and he thinks I'm really pretty (prettier than her) and could be a model too. But he would say that!"

Don't assume that because he's your boyfriend, he HAS to say that you're better looking. He's with you, not her. He loves you, not her...otherwise he would be with her. He wants you, and if he thinks you're pretty, don't assume that he's saying that because he has to. Taking that point of view will only feed your jealous feelings.

I have only seen one of my boyfriend's exes, and I am very jealous of her. I know that I am prettier than her, because she is sort of Plain-Jane, all natural type of girl, and I'm exactly opposite (yep, I PILE on the makeup). Yet, I can't help feeling jealous, because I know when he was with her he thought she was beautiful. I'm sure you feel the same way, but I just think- hey, he's with ME now. Not her. If he hadn't found me attractive, he probably would not have shown any interest in me or asked me out. So, you must realize that physical attraction isn't everything, and that someone who loves you will NEVER find you ugly, no matter how you look.

Good luck with this!

[Calypso]

Oh wow, I know exactly what you feel!

 

I was just gonna post my situation, and it has a lot to do with insecure feelings too. I'm trying to put good advice together, so that I feel that I'm also giving myself advice, so here it is:

 

Leave the past where it belongs. What you have with your boyfriend is a gift that is far better than physical beauty-- the present, and the chance to mold your future. I have had the obsessive tendency to constantly look at my husband's ex's pictures and imagine what they were like together, and it only succeeded in making me feel smaller, uglier and inferior than I really was. It affected my relationship with him because it was like I refused to be happy around him, since I dwelled so much on damaging thoughts of comparison and insecurity.

 

You have to make the conscious decision of banishing thoughts of her when it pops in, and tell yourself how silly it is that you're obsessing over something that can't be helped. Instead, put your energies into things that CAN be helped-- like making him fall more deeply in love with you by being the carefree, loving, and pleasant girlfriend you are to him.