Calypso

Hello Conanh, My husband of 3 months was divorced over a year ago. His ex-wife doesn't follow him around, but she does pop up every so often through e-mails and phone calls-- she's very bitchy towards him, and she talks down on him and makes catty comments about me. I swear she even calls our house at least twice a week but never answers. She is a bit psycho, and is obviously not over my husband yet. She lives at the townhome that my husband legally owns, and she's renting it from him (at a ridiclously low rate) as per the divorce papers. However, she's moving out in two weeks. Last week we drove past the house to check my husband's property. Apparently her neighbors (who are her close friends) saw us and actually followed us for 30 minutes. Then my husband got a voicemail from her, saying, "I heard from the neighbors that you drove past my house? That's kinda creepy. I'd appreciate it if you didn't do that again until i moved out. That's creepy." She even sounded almost flattered! That really drove me mad because up to that point I never interfered when she made over-the-top comments. My husband owns the house! What did she think, that my husband was trying to sneak a peak at her? So to shut her up, I sent her my own voicemail: "Hi, It's ___'s wife. I was actually with him when we drove past his house. I don't think there is anything creepy about the owner of the house looking at his property and checking his mail. If you wanna talk creepy, how about your friends driving all the way downtown, following us and then telling you about it? So get over it already!" I think she just needed to be put in her place because she's been well-behaved now. In the same way, maybe your wife needs to be put in her place and just be reminded that it's over between you two. Also, she needs to relieve herself of memories that remind her of your time together, so she can move on. So, while you can be civil to her, tell her that she can still make something out of herself if she didn't focus so much on someone else's life...

Oh wow, I know exactly what you feel! I was just gonna post my situation, and it has a lot to do with insecure feelings too. I'm trying to put good advice together, so that I feel that I'm also giving myself advice, so here it is: Leave the past where it belongs. What you have with your boyfriend is a gift that is far better than physical beauty-- the present, and the chance to mold your future. I have had the obsessive tendency to constantly look at my husband's ex's pictures and imagine what they were like together, and it only succeeded in making me feel smaller, uglier and inferior than I really was. It affected my relationship with him because it was like I refused to be happy around him, since I dwelled so much on damaging thoughts of comparison and insecurity. You have to make the conscious decision of banishing thoughts of her when it pops in, and tell yourself how silly it is that you're obsessing over something that can't be helped. Instead, put your energies into things that CAN be helped-- like making him fall more deeply in love with you by being the carefree, loving, and pleasant girlfriend you are to him.