Why do they say its your fault?

[Queen1607308152]

Me and boyfriend of four years broke up last week and he asserts that its my fault. First of all, I didn't do anything (I don't think). When we first started dating guys would call my phone, but we had only been dating for a little bit. The issue was we started dating exclusively very quickly. When he started complaining about my former boyfriends as well as platonic male friends calling I suggested to him changing my number. His reply to that was no. I feel so confuse now because this man has treated me terrible because of mess like this. Maybe I'm wrong, but I feel like he should have agreed to me changing the number instead of mistreating me and cheating on me. The said part is he uses the fact that I didn't change my number as justification for doing me wrong. What hurts the most is I'm still in love with him. But I'm tired, I'm constantly on an emotional roller coaster about this and every time I talk to him I feel a little worst than I did before I call. Its crazy, when he broke up with me last week I was devastated and the days that has past doesn't seem to offer an relief. I don't know what to do. Sometimes during the day I'm happy and feel like I can handle it. I feel that it is unfair how he did me. I gave him so much of me and I feel stupid because he never gave me any of him. It hurts because I still love him and I know he still desire to be with other women as well as talk to them. What is it, why do we still call me if he don't love me. It seems like he call sometimes just to make sure I'm not getting over him. Because I was calling and texting him until he told me him and the woman that he has been talking to the entire relationship (it seems like the entire relationship anyway) was moving to Texas. When he said that I finally told him I wish him well and have a nice life. Twenty minutes later he calls telling me he'll be back home. Someone please help me, I feel like I'm slowly falling apart; its almost like he has some hold me or is he just playing on my weakness (my weakness is loving him) like he always does?

[Rochelle1982]

I know what you are going through, it sounds like he was uncertain and he needed any old excuse to justify his actions. When I was with my ex, the same situation came up, it was because he had women calling him to but he made it clear he was not changing his number. When it came to me, I offered to change my number and he said no. He would constantly mess with me about men calling my phone. When the phone would be charging or I was not even thinking about it, he would say, Oh your phone is ringing or I saw it light up cause you got it on silent and all this crap with the phone. I changed the number so he would not have anything to say about that. I erased my myspace so he would not say anything about that, but he has a no photo myspace.

 

They want to do what ever they want to and make sure you are not doing it, paranoia! He was trying to build up the balls to tell you he was going but he wants to put the blame on you so he is less responsible for his part in the break down of the relationship. Girl I went through the same thing. My ex has a baby from his ex-wife(short marriage-1 month), but she would call constantly, I lived with him for almost a year and we were together a little over 2 years. I guess she was telling him all kinds of things and not to mention all the other ex chicks that never let go of him. Mind you he kept his phone locked, it was a constant argument about that, but I let it go cause he was with me.

 

I don't feel like he fully gave himself to me either. He spent a weekend with me and my child and his other child from another relationship, and that Monday, he told me he was going to remarry his ex-wife. I don't see that as being possible as financial means are meager, his ex-wife has 2 other kids and was married twice before. He made her out to be a saint and I was basically the * * * * * . He tormented me with lies, anything to break me down and tell himself that these are the reasons why I cannot be with her and being with the other woman is better. I have alot of questions and I am confused as I am sure you are. Similar situations, mind games! Placing the blame on anyone but themself. I felt like he had a hold over me too, as I guess all these other women did too. I moved out of my state to get away from it all, its suppose to be temporary, but what am I going back to? What are you doing to establish NO CONTACT. When was the last time you spoke to him. Don't give him the pleasure of being in your life, he needs to see what it is like to not have you in his life. Maybe he will stop his games, but I do not think he will, I will explain why later...

[Rochelle1982]

I think he will not stop what he has already started. There is another woman involved and it has been, she got into his head as well, that is why he is playing games with you. He is either trying to make you go away on your own(push you away) or he is trying to do a weird comparison to see who has the will power to stick around longer or who is more of an asset to him and his needs. Don't feel bad and please excuse me if my words are not appealing to you as I don't know you, but I am just not coming to the realization myself. He does not want you to get over him because he is not through with you, he gives you just enough to keep you hanging on and he is not really giving up anything-this makes you want more and then the abuse comes with it.

 

I feel for you honey and I don't know the level of this situation, if there has been going back and forth with him and others, but before you end up in total despair, I think you should cut your losses, count your blessings and build the strong courage to walk away. I was debating on leaving my ex constantly, I think he wanted me to go away, I was always the one calling back, sometimes he would call or text(cause he wasn't through), and he would say, when am I going to see you I miss you. It would melt my heart although I tried to be hard, didn't work. Now look what has happened, he gave up on me as far as I know it, I don't know what he has planned, but I have to take it as it was fed to me. He said he wanted to work things out with her, that means I should back off and I have not heard anything since. He said he was moving to another state with someone, he may have called because something is not quite on the up and up with the other woman, but don't hang on to that. He is making plans while leading you on, having his cake and eating it too, and when he has his mind made up, he will just drop out of your life.

 

Don't give him the satisfaction of hurting you more than he already is, trust me, you don't want the total chaos. I am listening if you need to chat...

[Queen1607308152]

Thanks, you're right he doesn't deserve me or my conversation. I have a lot going for myself and I know I will get through this. Because to be honest I am sick of him and his games. I understand now that I am just feeding his ego and I'm not boosting his self esteem anymore than I have already. I call last night and today and I didn't get an answer and now I realize that he needs me to feel good. I really appreciate your reply because I know that it takes a lot to respond to replies given the fact that there are a lot of good threads on the site. So thanks, maybe we can chat sometime.

[metrogirl]

You will feel better when you stop trying to contact him. Little by little, it gets easier. He's sounds like a complete tool. Be glad you aren't with him. He'll just cheat on the next girl he's with anyway.

 

Save your tears and get stronger and find someone that will be nicer to you.

[Queen1607308152]

You're right but what I've been talking to his mother, she calls everyday and she has really been nice to me. According to his mother he is just trying to make me think he has moved on but he really haven't. I told her at this point it doesn't matter because I am moving on. She told me he don't want that girl and he can't really have her because she is with someone. I already know that's true because they would have been together a long time ago. She only talks to him when her and her significant other is having problems. To be honest I don't really care what they do; they could get together and get married at this point. Because both of them have gave me enough headaches. He is a no good man and if someone can make him love them more power to them. So both of them can kick rocks and leave me the h### alone!!!

[Rochelle1982]

I hear that... I don't know what kind of games the ex and his ex-wife was playing either, then it was like she knew he was living with me and I guess they were still messing around. Guess it made her feel good to know that she still had him. He still continued to live with me and created a BS reason to break up with me, even though he said I did not have to, I moved out. We were still dealing after that and then he and her were as well although he denied it fully. I asked several times for him to be honest and he would just say, I am spending time with my daughter, that was his excuse to be around the ex-wife too.

 

I did not believe him but I was still loyal, compromised my priorities so that I would not hear his accusations and games with all the things he thought I was doing but it turns out he was! He would not answer the phone when he was with the ex-wife and his child talking about she would use any excuse for him to not spend time with his child as she would not leave him alone with the baby. The little girl is a little over a year old, she claimed she did not want any women around her child and that was because she wanted to be there. He told me all this crap about why he would never go back with her and this and that and he was probably convincing himself. Then again, he is a mama's boy and he told me his mother wanted him to get married. I guess he had too many people controlling his life and he could not take control of anything but letting me go. And he had to kick me to the curb because he probably told so many lies on me and why we broke up and everything else so make me look like a completely unfaithful woman to him so he could cover his tracks. He believed his own lies and he is living the life....

 

Not so much as an explanation as to why he betrayed me, he never was clear and upfront about his emotions and what was just going on. So quick to tell me of how I made him feel like a king and the time we spent. The places we were always going and now I don't understand. Itching to find a reason to let me go for whatever was truly going on and he let the wrong go out of fear of everything. But you know what, he will only look back at this and say, it was her fault. Her fault because she still dealt with me when we broke up the first time, she did not know up front, but she knew about the baggage, she knew my mom controlled my life and I did not admit that, she knew I was sleeping around on her as I did everyone else, she knew that I always put women down and labeled them as being the sneaky cheaters and I was sleeping with any woman that spoke. Ok so its my fault too...I know what its like, I almost emailed him because I had the sudden urge to get some things off of my chest, distractions are the key. It would not have done anything but a boost for the ego, he would know that I was still holding on even when he "said" he was going to remarry her and it would only hurt worse because he would tell me the samethings.

 

If you are in your child's life, that is great, never would want to keep a man from his child, but I wanted him for myself despite all the drama, I was willing to bite the bullet and I did honestly. She turned it around as if I was coming between that, no, your childs mother does not need to spend the night so you can spend time with your child. If I spoke about anything related to this, I was the enemy cause I looked as if I was coming between child and father. He used that one good, but he did not want to do anything because he did not know the right things to do, he went through the same situation with his other childs mom, so he compared the 2. Stooopid! In this case, I hope he sees his mistakes because I don't know what he has up his sleeve cause I was not let in on the good or the bad plans, he strung me along until HE was done with me. No contact on both our parts as far as I know. I am in mixed emotions stage. I can't stop thinking about him laying up with her now comfortably after she successfully stole him back, I am pathetic sometimes.....L-M-A-OOOOO

[atelis]

sounds like both of you were in a co-dependant relationship and that both of you have fragile self esteem and self worth. Red flags should have gone off in your head the minute he started with his jealousy. People can only mess up our lives if we let them..........you need to understand why you let this guy mess your life up and why you stayed for four years, because i don't think it was love that kept you there.......it may have felt like that, but love and pain are not the same thing

[Rochelle1982]

That's the thing people don't understand, its not about what you see, its what you don't see that will bite you in the ass too!! What you don't see is what you get too you know! I am smart enough to see a RED flag, but assholes will be just that. These people have mastered the game like they majored in Psychology. I am a loyal person, women will put up with alot more for many different reasons and that is what I did. You can't run or have fear of everything, if you want to give love a try that is what anyone will do, I had a few issues so I was not one to judge too harshly.

 

I am understanding, I have dated for over 10 years now and I have never encountered anyone like this. It is easy for someone to dish out, oh you had low self esteem and no one loved you enough...Not true, this man failed to show me the signs of all this drama, he made sure I was well into him before he said "By the way I was still sleeping with my ex-wife and she is about to have my girl child" I was going to move in with him, but being that he explained things they way he did, I had to stick by my man, I did not know what was going on but I had to roll with the tides.

 

If we meet people that has the slightest issue that anyone would consider a RED flag, we would all be running for the rest of our lives, EVERYBODY has something wrong with them. Even someone who appears to have things together will have problems. RED flags would be: they work too much, always out of town and this could cause cheating, unknown drug or alcohol abuse or what have you. Nowadays, these people are skilled and crafted at what they do, they know that their old routines have not worked with others, so they know that they have to try different approaches just like a skilled salesman...I get testy with that cause I honestly did not know a damn thing, so don't tell me about red flags, you mean to tell me I could have prevented this despair and mental anguish if I had only saw red flags... Please, I feel like you insult my intelligence, I ask 1,001 questions and he passed that, so what do you expect, they are out there, they are predators...

[atelis]

..Not true, this man failed to show me the signs of all this drama, he made sure I was well into him before he said "By the way I was still sleeping with my ex-wife and she is about to have my girl child" I was going to move in with him, but being that he explained things they way he did, I had to stick by my man, I did not know what was going on but I had to roll with the tides.

 

..

 

so you stayed with him despite the fact he was sleeping with his ex wife?

[Rochelle1982]

If a person has all the resources and skills to mislead you, what do you do? You can do all the background checks you want and you will still not find all the answers you are looking for. You want to put your trust into a person, and I say that because I only knew of a son from a previous relationship and he was of age, slight drama but nothing irregular.

 

If you want to buy a "specific" car and your credit is shot to HELL, maybe that new car lot won't give it to you so there are some that will and maybe I can rig up a few things, tweak some info and I can drive off the lot that day. But you may make the first few payments cause you really want the car and you hate to lose it although you think you can keep up with it, then things around you start to change and your financial situation is not quite what you thought it was. You fall behind in payments but you want to keep the car regardless, so you start running, ducking and dodging creditors cause you are determined to keep the car as long as possible until you get the feel for it and want to change maybe or maybe not.

 

I am goofy, but samething. He tried to pursue me and I gave in, I gave him the hard time and I gave it a shot, I turned him onto alot of things and this was the payback I got. I did not know he would tell lies about me, he would start to accuse me of things, he did not engage in this until it was almost a year for us. I did not know that he would go back to someone he was only married to for a month, this is a fact! If I could have spared my pain to know he was going to do what he may have been planning, I would have gladly declined: ACCESS DENIED, his credit score was like a 108 LOL, he switched his social or something LOL! He was an expert, his game was well on... We just fall for the wrong people, it happens! Joke may be on me, but I will have the last laugh, I know my worth as some people do, we were hoodwinked!

[atelis]

So did you stay with him after you found out he was cheating?

 

as far as the car lot analogy, i don't buy cars i can't afford, so perhaps there again that is a clue to your compulsive nature?

 

If you stayed with this guy when you knew he was cheating on you, then suggests your need to be in a relationship with him outweighed the respect and love you have for yourself.

[Rochelle1982]

so you stayed with him despite the fact he was sleeping with his ex wife?

 

When I moved in, he assured me it was over, she was not even in the state.

Plus I could not even believe he was sleeping with her because we were inseperable, we were never apart, so I did not even know when that occurred. The ex-wife was in her mid trimester when he told me this. She came back and she manipulated everything and everyone, she did not want him to move on. She still had contact with one of his sister's too. She refused to go away! She knew he was living with me and she still fought for the marriage after the divorce, she wanted him. I saw here texts to let me know they were not involved then, she used his child to do that. I found out he slept with her when he went to visit family and he took her. I did not know that until I had broken up and moved out of his place.

 

He was moving on with me because he put a down on our new place and shortly after that, someone convinced him otherwise. I did not know he was that weak until later and I still will say that I am left in the dark about everything to this day. He turned out to be an uncertain and unpredictable person, what you thought was the truth and a lie was not so also. He deliberately did not tell me on purpose because he knew that I would not have given him the time of day, that is why he held it in so long, if I was psychic, I would have known that immediately...

[Rochelle1982]

So did you stay with him after you found out he was cheating?

 

as far as the car lot analogy, i don't buy cars i can't afford, so perhaps there again that is a clue to your compulsive nature?

 

If you stayed with this guy when you knew he was cheating on you, then suggests your need to be in a relationship with him outweighed the respect and love you have for yourself.

 

 

I did not know he was cheating until I moved out. After you invest time and patience into someone, you still want to work through the issues at hand, as anyone on here does, so I am not guilty for doing that. I was not actually with him after it was official with me and his childs mother, because now it was lies, but I am not guilty until later on because he backed up all his words. He was still spending all of his time with me as well, so there was deceit, but we were trying to work things out so I thought!

 

As the car analogy, it has nothing to do with comoulsive behavior, there are alot of people who buy cars or in this case venture into relationships and they have nothing to offer, but will put up this facade to get you interested. That is why the fake and the forging goes on. They are nothing but con artists, demons and predators forging human lives capable of love and loving and are emotionally bankrupt!!! And I will stop there with that, I am sure you are fairly intelligent, you know exactly what I mean. Have a goodnight and God Bless you anyway, I will pray for you as well, obviously something has brought you here as well, peace...