Am I doing the right thing by doing the no contact?

[laguitarra]

Advice please!! Okay here is my story- I broke up with my ex because he was treating me poorly, he never called when he said he would, he never had time for me, things of that nature, I think he really liked me so I don't know what went wrong. But he started to treat me pretty badly and at times said very hurtful things. There is a lot of background info I could give if anyone needs it in order to give me advice but I will spare you for right now. Anyway, I broke up with him b/c I couldn't take being hurt anymore but the thing is I really just wanted him to say I'm sorry and I will treat you better from now on. Well, he didn't say anything like that. I have been very torn up over the whole situation, it has been about 2 months. My question is this-I have been doing "no contact" even though I am the one who broke up with h.im. About once a week he will text message me and ask how I am doing and I did call him one time and he said to me "it's good to hear your voice" and "we should hang out sometime", I just ignored it b/c I don't know what he wants and I am not at a point where I can be friends. Am I doing the right thing by doing the no contact and how do I find out what he wants from me? The once a week text messages kill me. I would love any advice or feedback. Thank you.

[Hannibal]

I was in a very emotionally abusive relationship at one point. The girl always put me down and said hurtful things and stuff like that nature. I felt the same way that you did when i ended it, i just wanted an im sorry. However now looking back it was the greatest thing that she didn't because no matter what people say they usually go back on their word (or just forget what the said). I know you still have some emotional ties to this guy as i did when the girl and i broke up. My advice for you, coming first hand, would be to cut him out of your life completely, dont see him, dont talk to him over the phone, and try not to talk online or by text messages. This will really get the message accross to him that you, and hopefuly anybody else, wont take being put down and being emotionally abused.

 

I know I didnt really answer your question but I know what its like to be in an abusive relationship, although im not sure the extent of your abuse, any is to much! I still have trouble in relationships because of what happened between me and her, and am extremely sensitive to being put down.

[kate111]

Hmm I can really relate.

 

I broke up with my ex because he had found another girl and he was confused between us. (this is contained in another post by me).

 

I loved him at the time that I broke up with him but never gave him the choice "her or me", because my pride was too high to let me do that.

 

I was half hoping he would realise that he loved me on his own and come back.

 

You have done a similar thing. Instead of saying "this really hurts me, can you treat me better" you have broken up with him and are hoping that he will realise what he has done and come back.

 

What you have to remember is that while you did the dumping it was only because you felt pushed into it.

 

However the fact that you didn't accept the way he was treating you and didn't become a doormat may give you an advantage in attracting him back. He may respect you for dumping him, deep down.

 

I think that if he is making the effort to contact you now then you could see him again.

 

I think you could try one of two approaches:

 

1. Meet him again and try to keep things upbeat and light. That way he can be attracted back. Follow the advice contained in this string regarding contact with the ex ie don't talk about the relationship and date others to take your mind off him. Act with him as you would act with someone you had just met, flirty nice but above all uncommitted.

 

2. Tell him that you have had time to think and that if he is willing to make a change then you would accept him back. Tell him you were hoping that you breaking up with him would act as a warning about treating you better.

 

approach 1 has the advantage that you are left with your pride intact if you fail in your attempts to attract him back. It has the disadvantage that it may drag this whole thing out longer and cause you pain. It is also (I have discovered) alright in theory but actually quite hard to pull off successfully.

 

Approach 2 has the advantage that after you have said it you can have no regret and no "what ifs". You get to communicate how you really felt and was unable to say at the time. You can feel proud of yourself for being able to be truthful. However the disadvantage is that you may get an answer you may not want to hear and it lets him have the upper hand. If the answer is negative you may feel dumped all over again.

 

I tried to take the first approach in my time but it didn't work too well. Looking back I sometimes wish i had asked "her or me?". Even if the answer would have been painful I wouldn't have the "what ifs" that I now live with.

 

However I had an unexpected and totally cool thing happen when I tried to use 1. I met someone else who I love and adore. Maybe this will happen to you.

 

I am now working on forgetting my ex and moving on with my life.

 

My new man really appreciates the little things I do for him and doesn't take me for granted. You need someone who can do this for you.

[mahlina]

Okay, my advice might sound a little too skeptical, but I think that's what you need to hear for now. I know that it's tough, but I see that you are doing the right thing. One thing that I can point out to you is:

1. He was emotionally neglectful to you during the relationship.

2. He didn't put in enough effort to show you what you're worth.

3. Now he's giving you the attention that he should've given you before?

 

Okay, this seems all too convenient for him. First of all, he shouldn't have put you on hold, emotionally, during the time that you guys were actually boyfriend and girlfriend. Now that you guys are broken up, he still wants to hang? Nah...That's just waay too convenient for him! Sounds like if he was serious about you, then he would've tried hard enough to make the relationship work out to begin with, but he didn't. Okay, I will get to the point. I think that he probably hasn't found a new girl yet. It's probably his way of finding a convenient lay. I know, I should be a little more refined about it, but that's just how I see it. "Oh, can we hang out sometime?" Honey, he should at least respect your space, by:

1. Aknowledging the fact that you're hurt.

2. Respect your space to move on.

3. Said that he's sorry.

 

Instead of showing you that space, and being sorry, he's only thinking about himself! I don't know what exactly went on in your relationship, but look at it this way...based on your response, that's ALL he's ever done...was think about himself! Not you! Only him! Where was he, when you needed to talk? Where was he, when he promised to call?

 

Now he's calling? Well, that just shows me something: he's being selfish from the beginging until the end! Girl, you deserve better than that! Again, I don't know exactly what went wrong, but him neglecting you 'emotionally,' is NOT cool AT ALL! I hope that you will feel better!

 

Cheer Up K?

Mahlina

 

P.S.- If he's not treating you like gold, then let it be! He's not worth it! You'll find better. Find someone who will treat you for what you are worth! Take Care!

[kate111]

You know what I just read Mahlina's post and I totally agree.

 

I think my ex was selfish to the end too. No contact worked for me and I found a new man.

 

Hopefully you will too.

[BigSyke]

hey im on the opposite end of the stick that your on, My girl broke up with me because i did the same things that your man did to you. The only thing was, that i spent the entire time proving to my ex that i can change and that if she gave me a second chance in the future, i would never ever on my life put things infront of her. The only problem is she is with somebody else, well she left me for somebody else.

 

I dont think your ex really wants you back if hes not breaking his legs to get you back, because if he really treated you that bad, he should have realized it, changed his ways and bow down to you IMO.

 

In my situation If my ex told me to walk 100 miles to see her i would say "be there in 30 minutes". If she needs anything i got it for her. I dont think he is totally in the game, or really apreciated you if he sees that he has a chance, and doesnt put everything to go and get it.

 

I know if my girl let me know that i did have a chance, i would work for it, even if it was less then 10%, im down. I really blew it with her and nomatter how she treated me and what she ended up doing to me, ill still love her and if he is just like yea what ever we should just chill sometime, then in my experience is that hes immature and mabye just using you as aback up. i dont really know him but if hes really down to respect you, see if he will go back to the way he was if you gave him another chance. You can read signs by that. If he acts negative any way shap or form then i would drop it, because its all on him you need to see if its worth it.

[Mix Maxster]

I hate to play the Devil's advocate here, but in all honesty as hard as it is to accept what has happened through our ex's actions, we DON'T know what they're thinking. How do we know they aren't freaking out worse than we are? Afterall are we not at a better advantage for being able to talk to each other on these forums and get advice and be able to move on? I'd almost 100% be in agreement that our Ex's would never scope out a forum such as this because they wouldn't feel the need to get advice. Maybe it's a bit judgemental, but I know that my ex doesn't seek out advice ever, she keeps it bottled in and then blows it out all over some innoncent dude. Now adays I honestly think that my ex is the one that is in worse shape than me. I can at least see what I did to mess it all up and I can see what was valid and invalid as far as faults are concerned. In all honesty as much as we want to believe our ex's are a bunch of complete jerks or heartless people because of how they treated us, chances are they're the more lost ones than we are.

 

I definitely know this is the case with my ex, afterall she's been non-stop partying since I broke up with her (found out she was going to leave me for another dude, so I dumped her). As much as she says she's happy she left and that she can see this new guy, I know deep down she can't forget what me and her shared. She knows it and she hates whenever I bring it up because she just doesn't want to hear it, I wonder why eh?

I guess the point I'm trying to make in all of this is that although we have a hard time dealing with the break up, at least we're more aware of our needs than they are. I believe in second chances, but it doesn't come without a price. I also believe that we're no better than they are if we can move on and say "who needs them? I'm a better person and someone else will do a better job respecting me than they ever did!" that kind of attitude is positive, but it isn't all that fair either. And who isn't to say that the ex messed up, in all honesty they really did lose someone worth fighting for and maybe one day they'd see that. Does that mean that we should say screw it? who needs them? I can find someone better anyways! No, but I also don't think it shouldn't be considered.

 

I guess when it comes down to it, we are aware of our feelings and our worth and what it is we did in the part that split the relationship up and that if the ex didn't see that then we should just move on. I agree with the fact that we should move on, but I think the attitude "who needs em?" will only make it that more easier to give up on the next person because we've already given up on someone we love, what's another person?