Moving on

[TheRock]

Hey Everyone,

 

I'd like to say that this site has certainly helped a lot in recovering from my breakup. I have truly felt better recently, in part, due to the sipport I received from the other members on here. Thanks.

 

Getting other people's viewpoints to some of my questions have helped me resolve certain issues in my head. So here goes a couple more.

 

1. How do you decide between standing up for yourself in a relationship over what you consider important issues versus just letting things go because your partner thinks it is not a big deal?

 

2. How do you draw the line in being nice so that your partner does not take you for granted? Now that I look back on things, I realize I might have been there too much (i.e. e-mails and telephone calls). However, at the time I thought I was being mature and putting some effort into the relationship even when I didn't always feel like doing it. Also, sometimes I felt guilty if I didn't make the call or make the effort to contact her.

 

3. In general, is there a way to keep the expression that "Love is blind' from becoming reality? It is funny that you can see things in other people's relationships, but not your own.

 

Thanks. I am interested in anyone's thoughts on these subjects.

[sisterlynch]

There are several good books, like Excess Baggage by . Another is called Passionate Marriage by .

 

If you truly can see it in other people's relationships then you can see it in yours too. I think it is good to know yourself before trying to become involved in another person's life. Whether it be a love interest or merely a friendship.

 

I think the idea of love is blind is ok. You really don't want to see all the nooks and crannies in another person do you? Here is the deal, if you don't look at your own faults too harshly, then you will not see those same faults in others soo clearly. Get it??

[kungfumaster]

Hey Rock,

 

Those are really good questions. Wow - its like I've been asking the same questions to myself too. Ouch. Here are my own individual answers to your questions.

 

1. I think you have to stand up for yourself when your partner is not respecting something you just cannot live without, that is deep down within the core of YOUR VALUES and YOUR BELIEFS. For myself, my ex unintentionally disrespected my family (countless number of times) - and I just couldn't take it anymore - I couldn't teach her anymore (everytime I asked her nicely, she would say, okay, I understand, but she just kept doing it over and over again). Why was is so hard for her to meet my some of my brothers?? And my dad?? (I know, this is where her issues came in I guess). I had to stand up for my family, and myself, because if I don't have my family, I don't have anything.

 

2. I just know for myself, I draw the line when she doesn't give back 50%. If I'm doing all the calling and emailing and she's not doing her share, then I draw the line - that was pretty much what happened at the end of the relationship anyway.

 

3. I think there is a way to keep the expression "love is blind" from becoming reality. Three words: communication, awareness, and ownership (these are all linked). Communication of feelings all the time in the relationship, awareness of "issues" (coming from family of origin, childhood experiences, etc) in yourself and your partner, and ownership of your own feelings (we are responsible for our own feelings, not our partner (they might be the trigger, but we ourselves are ultimately responsible for our own feelings)). These 3 things I got from a good book I'm reading on "Loving choices", a book about making all your relationships "growing" relationships. I think I've been reading too much of these relationship books. They are good, but sometimes, they get too complex, and you just lose the simple message their trying to get accross. That is why I like those 3 words up there.

 

Systerlynch kicks ***

Hi yaaaah!

 

How can you tell I've been reading to many "relationship" books.

[TheRock]

SisterLynch,

 

I am getting things little by little. Thanks.

[TheRock]

Hey Kungfumaster,

 

Thanks for the answers. It is good for me to see some of these answers rather than just thinking about them all the time. Sometimes I already have a sense of what i am supposed to do, but I get better clarity hearing from others too.

 

As for your question, I wonder too if you can get to serious about this self-introspection (reading relationship books, etc). Sometimes I feel I need to lighten up, but I like learning about myself.

[princesa]

Hi there.

 

Still bouncing back from broken hearts, aren't we...sometimes I think I live for the day I don't need to enter this forum again, and when after months I'll just pop in by coincidence, I won't find all the same people, because we're all completely healed and doing fantastically and we've found really fabulous new relationships and so on...Funny, it doesn't feel like it right now, but actually this is exactly what's going to happen. Other broken hearts will take our places here in this forum.

 

I've been thinking about these things, too. I wonder whether I really fell for him so blindly that I forgot to stand for what I value and think and so on. I guess what comes to the values, we were more or less equal, but it was definitely me who did more when not every effort in the relationship! Ok, I called and travelled to see him and cooked for him and in many ways showed how much I cared, I did everything I could, but I did that because I wanted and because that's how I am when I'm in love - if I didn't do that or had pretended "hard to get", it would have been somebody else, not me. In a way I still regret that I didn't play that dream girl-thing (according to the book "Stop getting dumped") but sort of made myself too available. But why should I try to be somebody else? I read in this forum somebody saying that "somebody who loves you just the way you are knows exactly what you're worth"...so even if I called too much or did myself too available, I guess my "true love" in the future will appreciate it, won't he?

Gabriel García Marguez says in Spanish "No pases el tiempo con alguien que no esté dispuesto a pasarlo contigo" = "Don't spend your time with someone who isn't willing to spend his time with you". Sounds simple but that's how it should be...if you're the one giving and spending, that's it, move on...

 

Yes, reading all these relationship books is a bit too much, it helps, but now it has become the last straw, like this forum...

 

But like I said in the beginnig, maybe very soon we won't be writing each other anyways...(optimistic, aren't I )

 

Princesa