I want to be supportive, but I just don't understand

[Colm]

So recently my mate tells me that she was sexually assaulted. Of course I was completely there for her and letting her know it wasn't her fault and doing what I could to build her up and help her get help about it.

 

Then I found out that the assault she was talking about happened a year ago at a friend's party. She said she'd just been telling herself that it didn't happen and blocking it out, but all the Halloween stuff was bringing it all back and she couldn't hold it in anymore. I'm not a denial type of bloke so I couldn't really relate, but I didn't judge her and I just kept trying to be supportive.

 

After that, she talked to the mate whose party it was and she was told that it wasn't an assault. Apparently she was completely bolloxed and being very flirty and sexual with this bloke (also drunk). He took her up on what he thought was a come on, and when she said "no, stop" he did and that was the end of it.

 

Now she's gone utterly mad about the whole thing. She's anxious and upset and angry all the time. She's acting like you'd expect someone to if they'd been raped. I'm trying to be there for her and be supportive. I keep telling myself that even if it wasn't rape, if that's what it felt like to her, then it's going to effect her like one. And she was drunk and just playing. He's not to blame for taking her flirting seriously, but she's not a * * * * * or the like just because she was flirting. She meant it innocently. The entire thing was just a mess, that doesn't make it her fault.

 

I feel like a right bastard because the more time passes the more frustrated I'm feeling with her. She's a total mess and I'm trying to be a good friend, but this small part of me keeps saying that this is ridiculous. It happened a year ago, it wasn't an assault, she knows it wasn't, and even so, she's not helping herself. She won't eat or sleep and I feel like she's not even trying to work through this, she's just sinking. Then I feel like a total creep for even thinking this stuff. I haven't said anything awful like that of course, and I'm talking to her all the time and being there for her and trying to get her to eat and rest and get therapy. Except that frustrated voice in my head won't go away.

 

What's wrong with me?

[Honey Pumpkin]

You can't cure your friends. You can support them, but you can't cure them. You're a good friend, but she needs to talk this through with professionals, she sounds 'stuck', and needs proper help. Be firm with her, but supportive - that she needs to speak to someone. There are lots of free rape counselling/samaritan-type services for her to call in the first instance, and hopefully she can work through these feelings.