Coming out

[Colm]

I recently got back in touch with my best mate from back home. She was literally my whole world when I was growing up and even when we barely spoke half the time because I'd up and moved so far away, just knowing she existed and thinking on her would pick me up. She's more important to me than I can say. Ever since we've been talking though, I've wanted to tell her that since I've been gone I've found that I'm gay, and that I've got a boyfriend and I'm in love. Except every time I think on it, I think that she might not be able to handle it and I could lose her. All my new mates tell me that if she was ever really my friend then she'll understand, and if she doesn't she didn't love me to begin with. Except I know that's utter * * * * e and we're really friends and that she loves me. I spent every day of my life with her growing up and she with me. I don't doubt that what we have is true, but I don't think it could never be broken is all. Except every time I talk to her and don't tell her, I'm lying to her. And I'm choosing her over my boyfriend and I love him. How can I be faithful to how I feel for him if I can't even admit to him? I'd let the whole world hang just to be with him, except I can't bring myself to think about giving up Mary either, not for anything. Does that mean I love her more? If I love her more than my boyfriend, what does that mean? The person you love the most is the one you should be with heart and soul, but I seem to be split. How can I be honesly loyal to either of them if I can't bring myself to choose who to throw my lot in with?

[volpe]

Do you think you might have sexual feelings for Mary? That somehow by telling her that you are gay, you will lose an opportunity to be with her in a romantic way?

 

As a woman, if a good guy friend of mine told me he is gay, and I had no clue, it might catch me off guard and surprise me but I would totally accept it.

 

Now, if I had some romantic feelings for him, that might be different- even suppressed romantic feelings- I might go through a period of grieving that... redefining our friendship... reconsidering what he and I would never be....

 

That sounds like a little bit of what you are going through.

 

And it's understandable that a loving relationship with someone would be confusing, sometimes it's hard to separate loving friendship from other possibilities.

 

I think you might need to just consider waht you want first, and make that decision, and base your actions on that.

 

What do you want, do you think?

[chocolatemilk]

I think that she might not be able to handle it and I could lose her.

 

What makes you think that?

Is there some specific reason that makes you think she couldn't accept you?

 

I think you might not be giving her enough credit. It is scary to tell someone that is so important to you, but you need to remain level-headed about it and don't assume a negative outcome right off.

[sophie274]

Hi Colm,

 

I want to share with you something that an acquaintance of mine recently posted on his facebook for national coming out day:

 

 

 

Obviously I don't know how your friend Mary will react, but this was my friend's experience, and I hope it gives you some courage. I have another friend/acquaintance who came out and was similarly surprised at how positive the reactions were.

 

By the way, when he posted this, I think 25 people gave it the "like" thumbs-up and he got a lot of positive comments.

[Colm]

I don't think I have romantic feelings for Mary, but it's confusing. I grew up in rural Ireland and she was the only person I ever spent time with or talked to as a kid other than my mother. We spent every day together, up until my mum gave me up and the family that took me in moved away. I feel like my whole life until just recently is all wrapped up in Mary. If we weren't a pair anymore, I don't know what I'd be. I never think about kissing her or making love with her or things like that, but she did used to kiss me all the time. Normally not on the mouth but she did once when I was ten when I got her cat off the roof. We used to lay together all the time, sometimes even in bed. I moved before I hit the age where it would have occurred to me to do anything sexual. I know I'm attracted to blokes, although I've tried sex with a girl and it was ok, just not great. I know I love my boyfriend Tom and I'm attracted to him as anything. I want to spend my life with him but I want Mary in my life too. I loved her first, and we're a pair. Does that mean I'm supposed to marry her and all? Am I disloyal or something because I like blokes and I'm with Tom, or am I being disloyal to Tom by still loving Mary? I just don't know. Is the only difference between romance and friendship sex? What about couples in love who don't have much sex? I mean everyone just about stops having sex when they get on in age and all, or if someone gets sick. So if that's still love then it can't be just about sex but if that's true then how do I tell?

[Colm]

I think she won't accept it because I think she'll see me differently and if I'm not the same to her how can we be the same? And she's christian. I mean she was always very bold and didn't like anyone telling her what to do. She wasn't really religious or anything and would actually buck a lot of the religious stuff. Then again she also will light a candle for someone if they're in trouble and she wears a cross and she plays with it when she gets upset or nervous. Things like that make me feel like she cares more about the christian thing than she wants to admit.

[volpe]

Hi Colm, You sound so sweet!! Are you really just 16? You sound so grown up. I really think she would love to hear what you just posted. That you love her, that you want her part of your life, not in a sexual/romantic sense, but to be close to her, to share thoughts and feelings, to share life experiences, etc. I think she will love that.

 

I understand your concerns about religion, but I think you need to let them go and just see her as an individual in your life. She doesn't at all sound like religion is important enough to her that she would cut you out of her life. Bigots like that are much more enveloped in religion than how you've described her. And even people for whom religion is a big part of their identity accept those that they love. There is a guy I know who is opposed to gay/lesbian stuff, thinks it is a sin, but has become much more flexible and accepting since our mutual friend came out... he has changed a lot! It's about the individual and mary doesn't sound so dogmatic she wouldn't love you.

 

I know it is really uncertain how she will respond. But all you can do is be true to yourself and honest with her. If she rejects you (highly doubt it), it is not on you, not your problem. your friends are right- if she loves you, she will accept it. and you will also create an ally out of her. and how do you know, maybe she is lesbian or bi? or whatever? or some of her friends are? have you generally ever talked about different sexual orientations? that might be a good way to start a conversation..... about some topic like gay marriage or whatever, and see how she responds.

[Colm]

Thanks, I'm glad I sound ok and not like a total prat. I am 16 but I turn 17 tomorrow. My parents are pretty unusual so my siblings and me are all a bit old for ourselves. My dad is real big on doing right by other people and proving your character by being responsible and the like.

 

Thanks for responding to the stuff I said. It's really helping. I feel kind of bad that I'm not talking to my parents about it, but I feel like they would and have done anything to be together, and I don't want to disappoint them by sounding like I'm not completely faithful. Besides I'm not sure either of them would understand having a problem choosing between people you love, since they've always put each other and us above anything. I mean, we moved out to the bloody Territories because you can have gay marriage and stuff here, and they won't have our family living somewhere where we're second class and where we can't have the best future we can.

 

I never knew anybody gay when I was a boy and I'm sure she didn't either. I guess maybe there was someone, but it was a little town and most people were focused on fighting for a free Ireland and that sort of thing. I don't remember it ever even coming up, not once. My parents, the ones how took me in when my mum gave me up, they're both blokes. She knows that and she didn't seem upset about it or anything. Then again, they're both really exceptional blokes. They're the kind of people you would love no matter what. And I also think being ok with someone gay in the abstract and being ok with your best mate being that way aren't the same.

 

Anyway I know deep down that I just have to gather up my courage and tell her the truth. It's true whether she knows its true or not. And as much as it hurts to think it, she has the right to cut me out if I'm not the person she claimed at her best mate. I either am who she thinks, and I'm her best mate, or I'm just fooling her and what we have isn't real because I took her choice away. She deserves better than that from me. I just hope she can accept it, and accept Tom. And I hope Tom can accept that I can't belong to just one person the way Dad can, because I love Mary too. He deserves to know the person he's with honestly as much as Mary does.

 

Thanks again for talking with me about this. It made stuff a lot clearer and I'm not as freaked out as I was.

[volpe]

I'm happy it helped. You sound like a wonderful person! I think when you explain the situation to Tom, just make sure you explain you love her as a friend, but a special friend that has been a part of your whole life. If he loves you, he will love that you have someone else in your life that makes you happy. That's what love is. He doesn't need to be threatened cause you don't have sexual feelings for Mary, so it is a different kind of love, different kind of relationship.

 

I really have good feelings about you telling Mary. I don't know Mary, but I think she may either have an inkling already and it might not totally surprise her, or she will just accept this as being part of you. I really can't see how she would reject you. I could be wrong, it might take her a little while to just change her concept of you... and that's o.k. if that happens, know that's just a normal part of the process.

 

Really, I get a good feeling, and I am following this thread, so feel free to write back and let us know how it goes.

hugs and many best wishes